Just another Tumor

Holes

Ethan Davidson 

    I don’t want to wake up. I don’t to be awake. Let me sleep for the whole day. All day. For a week even, maybe? No. But I feel like I’m dead. Too bad you shouldn’t have been up all night. I look over to the right and see a medium sized hole in my wall. What. The. Actual. f**k? Did I punch a wall last night? No that’s stupid. I look at my hand and f**k, my knuckles are swollen bloody. How am I going to go out there and tell my mom that I punched a hole in my f*****g wall. Good job Ethan, you made your life even shittier. Ha ha ha. My hand is throbbing like a b***h and the knuckles are covered in blood so I can’t even tell how bad the bruising is. What am I going to do?  

“Are you up?!” Kate yelling from behind my door. Of course, it had to be f*****g Kate. 

“Yeah.”  

“Parents need to talk to you, so hurry up!’ 

“Okay!! Jesus.” Got to wash the blood off my hands before I go out there. A poster! I’ll move one of my posters over on top of it! Good thinking. I sit up on my bed wearing the same clothes as yesterday and see two glass bottles on the floor. f**k. I pick them up and it’s an empty Smirnoff bottle and the other is a bottle of Bacardi. f**k my life! I throw them under my bed and walk over to my bathroom. I wash some of the blood off but I really don’t want to put soap on the cuts. f**k it. F.U.C.K! It stings like a b***h! I take off my clothes and throw on a pair of sweats. Be calm. It’s going to be fine. I walk out and my mom looks like she’s been crying for hours. f**k. f**k. f**k.  

“Hi baby!” My mom says with a course voice, she either knows about the alcohol or I have another tumor. I don’t know which one is worse. 

“Mom?” Kate is sitting at the end of the dining room table staring at her hands. I have a tumor. 

“Sit down bud.” My dad isn’t wearing his glasses. I have a tumor. “So, we got a call this morning,” I have a tumor, I have a tumor, I have a tumor, I have a tumor, “I’m really sorry bud but we have to take you in to get a quick MRI of your head. Don’t worry about it yet we’re just… just taking some precautions.” My mom’s eyes start to well up and my dad runs his hand through his hair. I’ve never had a tumor in my brain yet. Bones, yeah. Liver, yeah. Kidney, yeah. Brain is a new one. Kate looks scared. The only time I’ve seen her like this is the first tumor. We were young. She didn’t understand it. This on the other hand, I’ve never been scared of a tumor. I’ve never been afraid to die. Right now, I am. I am very, very afraid. 

“Don’t worry about it mom.” I take her hand in mine and it’s shaky. Shaky and heavy, like she doesn’t have any more fight left in her.  

“I’m not. You’re going to be fine. You’re going to be okay.” I’m not okay, I’m not fine. This is why Samantha isn’t going to choose me. This is why no one should choose me. “Go get dressed and we’ll go get checked in. Okay?” I nod my head and get up. Kate glances up and I see a tear rolling down her cheek. She doesn’t cry. She can’t cry because if she cries then that means I really do have no chance. I turn away and I can feel a pressure on my chest. Of course, it has to be now. Of f*****g course.  

‘You’re going to hate me and I’m really sorry for this but I won’t be at school today.’ A text from Samantha, good, good. I won’t feel bad about ditching her now. She’s going to hate me though. I hate me, I hate my life. f**k.