Malec Moments

A Million Little Paper Cuts

"Alexander?"

Alec froze, mid-step. It was a question. Maybe he didn't see me, Alec thought hopefully. He stood completely still for several moments.

"Alexander," his father repeated, and Alec knew there was no hope. His shoulders slumped. You just had to go to the weapons room, didn't you? Stupid i***t, he chastised himself. If he had just left straight from his room, he would never have been in the hall outside his father's study and would be halfway to Magnus's by now. He dropped a heavy sigh before backtracking to face his father.

Robert Lightwood was an intimidating man under normal circumstances. But these were not normal circumstances. The Clave had been at the Institute for several days, interrogating everyone at length about the battle with Lillith, and the disappearance of both Jace and Sebastian. They were all wound tighter than a spring right now, and it didn't take much to set any of them off.

Alec had it particularly bad, considering he had only recently announced, in exceptionally dramatic fashion, that he was gay and had a boyfriend. Unfortunately, it seemed his father did not approve of Alec's lifestyle and had not missed an opportunity to tell Alec such. This was the reason for Alec's current state of unease, as he leaned in the doorway of his father's study.

The study was a large room, nothing like the library that Hodge had used and his mother had recently taken occupancy of, and it was very messy. A large wooden desk stood in the middle of the room, behind which his father sat, studying some papers as Alec entered the room. Every inch of the desk was covered in papers or books. Bookshelves lined the walls, the books, and files occupying them in complete disarray. Alec wondered briefly if the information is father was trying to glean had anything to do with Jace.

"Yes, father," Alec said, formally. He usually referred the Robert as a dad but hadn't felt that friendly toward him recently.

"I'd like to talk to you. Do you have a minute?" Robert asked.

"I was just on my way out, actually," Alec replied pointedly.

Robert's eyes, nearly identical to Alec's, narrowed. "Sneaking out to see the warlock?"

Alec's expression darkened. It was always the same as his father. Alec didn't think he had ever heard Robert say Magnus's name, no matter how many times he had told him. "The warlock has a name," he said through gritted teeth, "and I don't have to sneak anywhere. I'm an adult and I can come and go as I please." He crossed his arms in front of his chest defiantly.

Technically, what Alec said was true. As an eighteen-year-old Shadowhunter, he was free to leave and enter any Institute in the world. But given that this particular Institute happened to be his family home, he wasn't sure if his father was going to let that comment slide. Robert didn't seem inclined to argue the point, however.

"Alexander, I need to talk to you about something important. Do you think you could stop acting childish long enough for me to do that?" Robert said, with just a touch of condescension in his voice.

"Fine," Alec said, huffily.

"Then sit down," Robert said, indicating the chair in front of his desk.

Reluctantly, Alec slid into the seat and waited for his father to start speaking. After several moments, in which it appeared Robert was collecting his thoughts, he finally addressed the issue at hand.

"Alexander, you know I have put my name in for the Inquisitor position." It wasn't a question, but Alec nodded in response. "If I get the position, and it looks like there is a good chance that I will, then I will be spending a great deal of time in Alicante."

"And you'll be leaving your family behind, right?" Alec said, trying not to sound accusatory but not quite sure he managed it.

His father held his gaze. "Your mother doesn't wish to leave New York, and I'm sure your sister would agree. As such, I happen to think they need someone to protect them."

"You mean me?" Alec said.

"I had hoped that my son would prove to be a real man, and help lead the Institute when I'm gone."

Alec's eyes narrowed. "A real man? What exactly is that supposed to mean?" Alec said, though he already had a suspicion.

Robert sighed. "It means I want you to stop playing house with the warlock and act like a grown man," he said, slight anger coloring his voice.

Alec stared at him incredulously. "Stop playing house? What does that even mean!" he said, heatedly.

"It means that it's time for you to grow up, Alexander. You can't just continue giving in to your every childish whim. This…whatever it is, is just a phase."

"A phase? Do you think I'm going to just grow out of being gay? It doesn't work that way, dad. I love Magnus and that's not going to change any time soon!" Alec was angry now. He leaped out of his seat, pacing around the room, trying to calm himself.

"You're eighteen years old, Alexander. You don't even know what love is. One day you will find a nice Shadowhunter girl and-" Robert continued, in a placating manner, but Alec rounded on his father, cutting him off mid-sentence.

"Can you even hear yourself? Do you know how ridiculous what you are saying sounds? I'm gay. I like men. I'm not going to settle down with some Shadowhunter woman. Not ever!" he shouted at this father.

"Alexander-" Robert tried again.

"Why can't you see me, dad? Why can't you see who I am?" Alec glared at Robert, willing his father to understand.

Robert exhaled a deep breath, running his hands through his closely cropped hair. "Can I count on you to help your mother run the Institute? Can I count on you to be a man?"

"Just not a gay man, right?" Alec said pointedly.

Robert said nothing. He interlocked his fingers and laid them on the desk in front of him, staring at his son.

"If you want a straight man running this place, I suggest you wait until we get Jace back and ask him to do it," Alec said, folding his arms in front of his chest again, his back stiff with defiance.

"Jace is just a child," said Robert dismissively.

"He's barely a year younger than me. And the way I see it, he's your only option."

"So you won't stop this childish behavior?"

Alec's hands were shaking now. He fought it to keep calm. "I won't pretend to be something I'm not. Not anymore," he said, to his relief, with a steady voice.

"I didn't say that," said Robert, his eyes narrowing at his son.

Alec looked back at him, with all the conviction of someone who was in the right. "You didn't have to." And he turned to leave.

"Alexander-" his father said, raising his voice again.

Alec paused, his hands still shaking, and turned back to his father. "I will help mom if she needs me. But I will not stop being gay. I can't, and I don't even want to. You'll just have to learn to live with that." And he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Alec had little recollection of his trip to Magnus's loft. The conversation with his father played in his head over and over again. His emotions alternated between anger, hurt, and disbelief. The last few weeks had gone by in much the same way with Robert.

Alec let himself into the apartment, closing the door behind him with a snap. "Magnus?" he called but received no response. He checked the kitchen, the bedroom, and even the bathroom, but found nothing. Magnus hadn't returned home yet.

Alec flung himself onto the overstuffed couch, picked up an electric blue pillow, and sunk as deep into the cushions as he could. He hugged the pillow to his chest, drawing his knees up to him, and stared at the empty fireplace as if waiting for it to magically ignite.

His thoughts reluctantly turned back to his father and within moments, he was lost. He remembers calling home from his trip with Magnus and having his father act as if Alec were alone on the trip, never asking how Magnus was doing. He had never acknowledged that Magnus was present, even when he could hear Magnus speaking in the background.

An image formed in Alec's mind. He was in the training room, alone, his thoughts more on Jace and his disappearance than his actual training. His father had entered the room, causing an even further lapse in Alec's concentration and making him misstep. He had fallen awkwardly on his rear. His father had not looked at him with concern, after all, he was an adult Shadowhunter and pain was part of everyday life. Instead, Robert had blamed the incident on Alec's preoccupation with Magnus. He had then asked Alec how he thought Jace felt about the idea of his parabatai being gay.

"Do you think that's the kind of man Jace wants as a backup?" Robert had said. The words had cut Alec to the core as if his father's weapon had been a blade instead of his tongue.

The memory dissolved. Now he was standing in the doorway of the library, listening to his parents argue in hushed tones. He could only make out snippets of their conversation, which was clearly about him and Magnus. His mother seemed inclined to let the relationship play out, even if it wasn't what she wanted for Alec. His father said a gay Shadowhunter couldn't be trusted and would only be a disgrace to the name of Lightwood. Alec had stalked off, completely forgetting his reason for going to the library in the first place. He'd had tears in his eyes.

He was outside the auditorium at the Institute. The Clave was meeting inside, and he could hear the Consul calling them to order. He looked at his father urgently, not wishing to be late for the meeting. Robert had placed his hands on Alec's shoulders and begged him not to speak at the meeting, saying his fondness of Jace would only be misinterpreted given that everyone in the room had been present to watch Alec kiss Magnus in the Accords Hall. No one would believe that Alec just wanted to help his best friend and they may even call his Parabatai ritual into question, saying it was illegal for parabatai to fall in love. Alec had felt the color drain from his face and had sat in the back of the room, eyes averted, barely paying attention to the meeting.

There had been other instances, too, jabs by his father that went unnoticed by the rest of the family, strange looks that couldn't be explained by the circumstances. Perhaps this is why he had lost control with his father today. Perhaps he had finally had enough.

Anger welled up inside him again, demanding to be released. Without thinking, he grabbed the pillow he had been clinging to and tore it to pieces. His lap looked as if a cloud had exploded on it, with shredded pieces of electric blue fabric interspersed in the white fluff.

"Hey," said an amused voice behind him, "what did that pillow ever do to you?" Alec had been so absorbed in his thoughts he hadn't heard Magnus enter the apartment. When Magnus caught sight of Alec's expression, his jovial demeanor evaporated. Magnus sank to the floor next to Alec, concern etched into his face. "What's wrong? Alec, what's happened?"

Alec was still panting angrily. Without looking at Magnus, he said, "My father."

Magnus moved next to Alec on the couch. He waved a hand over the tattered pillow and it reformed, good as new. He handed the pillow back to Alec, who accepted it gratefully, feeling a little ashamed by his outburst.

"What happened, Alec," Magnus repeated gently, placing a comforting hand on Alec's leg and his other arm behind Alec on the edge of the couch.

"My father wants me to stop being gay and help my mother run the Institute while he goes to Idris to play Inquisitor and abandons his family," Alec said, the entire sentence tumbling out of him rapidly. He glanced sideways at Magnus, whose eyes were very wide and his mouth slightly gaping. Whatever he thought had happened, it wasn't that.

"I…My God, Alec," Magnus said, stunned.

"I just don't understand it," Alec continued. "Why can't he see that I'm happy, that I love you? Why can't he see the real me?"

"A lot of parents have a preconceived notion of what their children will be, and consequently struggle when their ideal isn't realized," Magnus said.

"That's just stupid," spat Alec. "Why do people have to be so damned judgmental?"

"I don't know," Magnus said softly. "Your father was out of line. But your mother has accepted it, hasn't she?"

Alec laughed bitterly. "Yeah, but in some ways, that's just as bad. Why does she have to accept? It sounds like I have some disease, like vampirism or lycanthropy. We've accepted the fact that Alec suffers from terminal gayness…"

Magnus snorted, and even Alec couldn't keep from offering a small smile before continuing. "Seriously though, why can't they just be supportive? Why can't they just be happy that I'm happy, that I've found someone who makes me happy? Isn't that what parents are supposed to want for their children?" He huffed a sad sigh. "This is why I didn't want to tell them in the first place."

Magnus's heart ached for Alec. The sadness in Alec's eyes was almost too much for him to bear. Magnus had never dealt with a situation like this. There had never been anyone who cared enough about him to take an interest in who he was dating. He decided to take the conversation on a different track.

"You know, your parents may be behaving badly right now, but it could be worse," Magnus said knowingly. Alec looked up at him with those piercing blue eyes, a questioning expression on his face. Magnus smiled at him and said, "At least your mother didn't kill herself, and your dad hasn't tried to drown you."

Alec's mouth fell open. He had forgotten about Magnus telling him about his parents the first time they met, in his bedroom during the party. They had been trying to find out what happened to Clary's memories. It seemed so long ago now.

"What about your real father?" Alec asked.

Magnus shot him a look. "I don't think he cares who I date."

"Who is your real father, Magnus?" Alec said curiously, momentarily distracted.

Magnus did not like where this conversation was heading. "He's a demon," he said pointedly, in a manner that told Alec the subject was closed.

Magnus pulled Alec to him, kissing him softly on top of his head as he held him close. They sat in silence for several minutes.

"Why isn't love enough for some people?" Alec said, shaking his head. "I just don't understand. The world is full of so much hate and evil. How can anyone think our love is wrong? That any love is wrong?"

"I don't understand it either," Magnus replied, "but I can tell you this. I've spent a lot of time in the mundane world, as well as in our world. You are not the first gay teenager to have parent troubles, and you won't be the last. But the good news is the world is changing. I've seen it. It may not happen in your lifetime, but one day kids won't have to go through what you are going through now."

They lapsed into silence again, as Magnus stroked Alec's arms and back, Alec playing with the hem on Magnus's shirt.

"I assume you are staying tonight," Magnus said, releasing Alec at last.

Alec turned to him, his lower lip between his teeth. "I'd like to if you don't mind."

Magnus shook his head as if Alec had just said something stupid. "I can't believe you still have to ask." He pulled Alec to his feet and led him down the hall toward the bedroom.

Alec noted with some interest that Magnus's bedsheets were a deep purple color today. "I didn't bring any clothes."

Magnus pointed at the top drawer of his dresser. "There's plenty of your clothes in the drawer. Freshly laundered even."

He smiled, seductively, at Alec as the couple stripped down to their boxers before climbing into bed. "I promise not to do anything to you that would gain your father's disapproval," he said, the corners of his mouth twitching as he tried to suppress a grin.

"I'm pretty sure my mere presence here is something that my father would disapprove of," said Alec, as he threw a pillow at Magnus.

Alec gave Magnus a weary look. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Magnus said warily.

"It's just," Alec began, then hesitated. "Well, I'm a Shadowhunter. We are a proud people. We have no tolerance for weakness." Magnus gave him a questioning look, clearly not understanding where he was going with this. Alec sighed. "Please understand how hard it is for me to ask you this…" and his voice trailed off.

Magnus's fingers gently outlined Alec's features, his cheek, his jawline, his lips. Magnus held Alec's gaze, trying to convey his understanding, and his willingness to do whatever Alec needed.

Alec buried his face in Magnus's chest and said, "Tonight, could…could you just hold me, and tell me you love me, and…and maybe lie to me and tell me everything is going to be okay?"

Magnus's arms immediately encircled Alec, holding him close. He understood how difficult it was for Alec to show any signs of weakness, though he didn't think to need to feel loved was a sign of weakness.

"I love you, Alec," Magnus said without reservation. He wished with all his heart he could believe that everything was going to be okay. Unfortunately, his recent dreams of blood, death, and destruction contradicted that idea. And with Jace still missing, he had serious concerns about Alec. He knew what happened to the living parabatai when the other one died, and there was a strong possibility they would never see Jace alive again. But he said the words anyway, for Alec's sake, and he repeated them over and over as he held Alec in his arms.

After some time, Alec finally pulled away and looked into Magnus's eyes. "Thank you," he said, and there was so much unsaid that he put into those two little words. He leaned in and kissed Magnus, a soft, lingering kiss, before curling up in Magnus's arms and drifting off to sleep.