Malec Moments

I'm Sorry

Alec's fingers tangled in his hair. His blue eyes, so full of wonder and innocence, shined with love and desire. His lips were soft and gentle at first, then Alec applied more pressure as the kiss deepened. He could feel the Shadowhunter's touch, his rough, calloused hands sliding smoothly along his skin, caressing his back and sending little jolts of electricity through him. Their bare chests pressed together and he could feel Alec's heartbeat quicken, or maybe that was his own.

He heard a noise but discarded it. It was unimportant. The only important thing right now was him and Alec. Alec's touch, Alec's kiss, Alec's blue eyes. The blue eyes that were now looking at him, or were they looking through him. He couldn't tell. The eyes were pulling away, and Alec's features were fading. He wanted to tell him to come back, to not leave him. He wanted to tell him that he loved him, but Alec was almost gone, the only thing remaining was his haunting blue eyes. 

A series of beeps snapped Magnus from the dream with a start. Damn it, he thought, that had started so well. He picked up the phone to stop the incessant beeping, knowing who it would be and that he wouldn't answer it.

He was surprised by the message that greeted him.

"Missed call from The Institute" shortly followed by "New Voicemail."

The Institute? Why would the Institute be calling him? His first thought was that Alec had decided to try the Institute phone to contact him. After all, today was Magnus's birthday, and Alec's early morning "Happy birthday, Magnus. I love you" message had been one in a series of messages Magnus had ignored. But he didn't think Alec would risk doing that. He could get in a lot of trouble, and for what? His ex-boyfriend? It didn't make any sense.

His second thought, punctuated by a stab of pure panic, was that something had happened to Alec. Maybe they were calling for assistance in healing Alec, or worse. No, he couldn't think like that.

This is ridiculous. You hold the answer in your hand! he thought, as he pressed the "voicemail" button on his phone.

Maryse's voice greeted him, and she sounded strained. "Magnus Bane, the Institute requires a Portal tonight at eight pm. I will expect you there unless I hear from you to the contrary. Thank you."

Magnus sighed. A Portal. Well, at least it sounded like everyone was alive. A Portal. If he took this job, it would mean seeing Alec. After the dream he had just had, he wasn't sure he was strong enough to handle seeing his ex-boyfriend. He wasn't sure what he would do if he did see him. No, creating that Portal was not in his best interest right now.

He pressed the "contacts" button on his phone, scrolled down until it highlighted "Catarina Loss" and hit "call". Catarina answered cheerfully, and Magnus quickly explained the request he had received and that he wanted her to do the job instead, claiming to be too busy himself to do it. He was sure Catarina didn't believe that he was too busy, but she accepted the job and promised to contact Maryse to let her know she would be there at eight.

Magnus tossed the phone aside, rubbed his bleary eyes, and had just leaned back on the couch when a shrill sound pierced the air. He glared at the door, hoping that whoever was there would just go away. But the buzzing became more insistent until he threw open the door to reveal Jace.

"What are you doing here," he said angrily.

Eventually, Jace pushed past him, and said, "It smells like heartbreak in here."

"That's Chinese food."

As he verbally sparred with Jace, he realized Jace was right about several things. He did remind Magnus a lot of himself. They were both smart, witty, sarcastic, and funny at times. And neither of them were forthcoming with their innermost secrets. He liked Jace quite a bit, despite what he had said earlier about Jace being Alec's friend and now he didn't have to put up with him anymore. He liked Jace a lot more when he wasn't employing the annoying habit they shared of calling people out on their true intentions while deflecting questions about their own.

Then Jace received an urgent call from Isabelle demanding he returns to the Institute. Fear gripped Magnus, again, that something may have happened to Alec. But Jace wouldn't tell him anything, growling, "What do you care?" as he exited the apartment.

Magnus sank onto the couch, thoughts, and images from recent dreams, or more accurately nightmares, chasing themselves through his mind. He rested his head in his hands. Unbidden, the image of Alec's face in a dark, abandoned subway tunnel, floated into his consciousness.

It had been a month since he'd broken up with Alec. He recalled the day as clearly as if it were yesterday.

The pain on Alec's face when Magnus had said he didn't want to see him again.

The quiet way Alec had asked him to kiss him, and the feel of their lips meeting one last time.

Aku cinta kamu, he had said.

And then he had disappeared, walked right out of Alec's life through the entrance of that God-forsaken subway station.

He had wandered the rest of the day, giving Alec time to clear his things from the apartment, not wanting to come home to find him there, not sure his resolve would hold if he did. He had been numb, in a state of shock. He couldn't say where he had gone that day, who he had seen if he had spoken to anyone.

As the day drew to a close, he had finally returned home. The apartment was empty. Of course, it was, he'd given Alec plenty of time to gather his few possessions. He knew Alec wouldn't dawdle, wouldn't draw out the pain of leaving. He was too good of a person to do that. He was just too good.

He had been drawn to the dining room table as if he were made of metal and it was a powerful magnet, unable to resist its pull. Upon the tabletop was Alec's key, just as he asks requested. He'd known it would be there, but he hadn't expected the shock of actually seeing it.

He had reached out and picked up the tiny metal key. It was such a small object, so insignificant, yet the sight of it hurt him so deeply. He clutched the key to his chest and sank to the floor as if the weight of the tiny key was too great for him. His body doubled over as wave after wave of pain bore down on him. And he sobbed, his whole body convulsing.

Eventually, the agony had relented, a little, and Magnus became aware of his surroundings again. What the hell just happened to me? he thought as he crawled onto the couch. Get it together, Bane. You don't lose control like that. 

That much was true. He had been in love many times, and he'd had many broken hearts. But he had never experienced anything like that. He had always been able to bear the pain. He had always been able to walk away when the relationship ended. Most of his relationships had gone so badly that by the time the end came, the heartbreak was mingled with a sense of relief.

But this pain had taken hold of him and, quite literally, brought him to his knees. Perhaps because, as he had always known, he loved Alec more than he had loved any of the others.

One night. That's all you get, he chastised himself. You can go to pieces tonight, and tomorrow you will move on. You get one night to grieve, no more. 

He had spent the night on the couch, unable to face the large empty bed without Alec. He had cried himself to sleep that night and dreamed about Alec, about kissing him and holding him and touching him. But he had slept fitfully.

And then the texts had started.

I'm so sorry, Magnus.

Please forgive me.

Please give me another chance.

Please call me back, I just want to know you are alright.

I love you, Magnus. Always.

The texts seemed to appear on the hour, like a bizarre alarm to remind him of the pain that wouldn't release him. Then they would start over again, like a weird sort of mantra.

The lines between day and night, asleep and awake, blurred. He was unable to distinguish a difference. It didn't matter anyway. Alec haunted him relentlessly.

The impulse to eat something occasionally seized him and he would conjure something, usually Chinese. He would eat a few bites, then discard the remains on the coffee table or wherever else he was at the time. It didn't matter, nothing mattered. He vaguely had a suspicion that Chairman Meow was eating his leftovers. The little cat did look a bit rounder these days.

On the fifth day without Alec, he was jolted to consciousness by his front door flying open to reveal Isabelle. She slammed the door so hard that it recoiled off the wall and would have hit her if not for her throwing a hand up to stop it. She entered the apartment unwelcome, her hands on her hips and her dark eyes blazing.

"What the hell did you do to my brother!" she demanded.

The rest of the conversation sounded to Magnus like "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." He was unable to focus on her words and didn't have the desire to try. He remembered swinging his feet over the edge of the couch, where he was still sleeping, resting his elbows on his knees and propping his head between his hands.

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up," he murmured, as Isabelle raged on. Then finally, he turned to her and shouted, "Get the hell out of my apartment, Isabelle!"  And to his surprise, she left, without another word, slamming the door behind her. He turned away so quickly he missed the look of mingled shock and pity on her face before she left.

Magnus had wondered, dimly, if she would tell Alec he had shouted at her. But the texts had continued, with no mention of Isabelle, so Magnus had assumed she had kept that information to herself.

The texts were now interspersed with calls. Magnus would pick up the phone, see Alec's name and send him to voicemail. Mostly, Alec didn't bother to leave a message. But when he did, Magnus would listen to the message and hit repeat over and over, just to hear Alec's voice again and again.

He had failed miserably at following his timeframe of grieving for one day. He knew that but was powerless to do anything about it.

As the first week drew to a close, Magnus finally slept in his bed and was rewarded with a different dream. He was still holding Alec, cradling him really, and they were both drenched in blood. Magnus watched as the light faded from Alec's blue eyes and he died. He awoke with a scream, panting, his pulse racing.

He resolved, then, to find out what Sebastian was doing. Even if he couldn't be with Alec, he could at least try to help him. And he needed something to do, something to focus on besides the ache in his heart.

He also resolved to never sleep in his bed again, but that didn't keep the bad dreams at bay.

The texts and calls from Alec slowly decreased in frequency as time went by, the wording changing somewhat, but the meaning still the same. Magnus read every text, listened to every voicemail. He eventually started sleeping in the bed again in an attempt at normalcy. When he couldn't sleep, he cast spells, searching for information about Sebastian, but he was unsuccessful at finding anything useful

Then, one day, Clary showed up on his doorstep. She was much less loud than Isabelle had been, and he was in a slightly better state, but her words still held little meaning for him. He couldn't be with Alec and nothing she said was going to change that. He wanted Alec, more than he'd ever wanted anything, but they were just too different. There were too many things keeping them apart. He didn't tell Clary this, of course, and she eventually gave up and left, with none of the theatrics that Isabelle had employed.

And then he was alone again.

The next week went by much the same way. The pain lessened, though he missed Alec terribly. The texts and calls from Alec dwindled further. He was unsuccessful in regards to Sebastian. He still had dreams about kissing Alec, and nightmares about Alec dying. He was stuck in a terrible rut with no end in sight.

Just last week, three weeks after he lost Alec, Simon had appeared on his doorstep. Simon? Really? He guessed he was there as a favor to Isabelle. Neither Alec nor Magnus had been very close to Simon. Magnus rolled his eyes, swung the door open, and watched, resigned, as Simon entered his home. He adopted a bored expression and went on a rant about how he was tired of the visitors and that nothing he said would make a difference anyway.

Simon didn't seem to be paying attention. He was scrolling through his phone. Magnus glared at him.

"What the hell are you doing, vampire? Say you're peace and get out of my house!"

Simon, apparently finding what he was searching for, looked up at Magnus. He handed the phone over without a word. Magnus took the phone suspiciously, then turned it where he could see the screen.

On the screen was a picture of Alec and Magnus, smiling and laughing leaning against a tree, most likely in Central Park. They were not aware that someone was watching them. Magnus stared hard at Simon, but his voice was quiet when he said, "Where did you get this?"

Simon looked uncomfortable. Being a vampire, he couldn't blush, but he was fidgeting. "I took it," he said defiantly.

Magnus's eyebrows raised. "You took it? Why?"

With more confidence, Simon said, "I thought Clary might want to paint it for you. You two looked so happy, so in love." He snatched the phone back, and scrolled back toward the top of the page, then handed the phone back to Magnus. "This was a week ago." It was a picture of Alec. He looked sad and lost. Magnus tried to shove the phone away. "Look at it!" Simon demanded. "He's miserable, and so are you. When was the last time you had a shower?" Simon's heightened vampire smell told him it had probably been a few days.

"Just go home. Tell Isabelle you did what she asked. I'm just not interested. Just leave me alone, please," Magnus said, sounding so dejected that Simon turned and left the apartment without another word.

Oddly, Simon's visit had had more of an impact than the other two. The image of Sad Alec was powerful, and Magnus hated it. He had long since forgiven Alec for his stupidity in dealing with Camille, even if he didn't know or understand what had transpired between the Shadowhunter and the vampire. With Simon's visit, though, he started wondering if there was a chance for him and Alec if they could make their relationship work. He just didn't see how. They were different people. His immortality had gotten in the way too many times, and he had given up trying to become mortal. He'd found no way to do it without consequences too severe to make the transformation worth it.

Snapping out of the past, his thoughts turned toward today's events. Jace's visit had completed the set and Magnus felt slightly relieved by the prospect. Jace. He could still smell the lingering scent of Jace's cologne in the air of the apartment. Jace. Jace had left in a hurry. Jace.

Magnus sat up with a start. What the hell are you thinking about the past, Bane? You need to find out what's happening NOW!

Blue flames surrounded Magnus's hands as he said the words to the spell he'd been using regularly for several weeks, the spell that he'd used to try to gather information about Sebastian. The flames hung in the air, coalescing into a large, flat ball of swirling blue and white. It reminded him of a cross between the black and white snow of a TV set that isn't on an actual channel, and the smoky image inside a crystal ball.

Images slowly formed within the blue and white swirls, sometimes taking the form of a scene, past, present, or future, sometimes cryptic rune-like symbols that only warlocks could understand. He knew that the more crisp and clear the image, the more likely it was to be true and definite. Unfortunately, shadowy images were all he had gotten recently, and those were the most frustrating.

But today, his luck seemed to have changed. A well-defined image was forming. It was a mixture of people and symbols, dark symbols, and Magnus didn't like it one bit.

There had been attacks on several Shadowhunter Institutes world-wide by Sebastian's Endarkened warriors. Many slaughtered, others enslaved.

Magnus stared at the images in disbelief. He waved a hand and the blue-white smoke disappeared. He paced the living room, muttering to himself, running a frustrated hand through his tousled hair.

Alec's face crept into his mind again, and all the pieces seemed to fall into place. Jace. The call from the Institute. Maryse's call about needing a Portal. They're leaving for Idris, he concluded.

He sank onto the couch, head in his hands, foot-tapping restlessly against the floor. His mind was working overtime, but he didn't know what to do. Sebastian had brought the fight to the doorstep of the Nephilim, and so far, he seemed to be winning. All the Shadowhunters were in danger. Alec was in danger, but of course, he had always known that.

Going to Idris is good. Idris is safe. Alec will be safe there. Alec won't be able to call or text him anymore. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. No, it didn't matter. Alec's safety was all the mattered.

He leaped to his feet and resumed pacing. Alec would be gone for God only knows how long. A war was coming, of that Magnus was sure. Alec may not survive it. The last image he had of Alec was walking away from him in that subway tunnel, breaking his heart.

His heart decided his mind had a chance to protest. He grabbed his coat and was out the door a second later.

There was a large crowd milling around the steps of the Institute. Catarina had already created the Portal and was patiently waiting for the Shadowhunters to get organized and finish their good-byes.

He dragged Alec around the side of the building to a dark, quiet place. On the way over, he had reminded himself numerous times why he was going. Tell him to be safe and tell him good-bye. That's it. He didn't know if he could handle seeing Alec again. He didn't know if he could trust himself with Alec.

Stay safe. Good-bye. his mind prompted.

"Okay. You wanted to talk to me. So talk," he said instead. What the hell are you doing? his mind shouted at him. But he didn't listen. It didn't matter. Alec was standing in front of him, and all he could see were those blue eyes, and that beautiful face that haunted his dreams, and his heart was pounding in his chest and he fought the urge to grab Alec and kiss him as his life depended on it. Maybe it did.