THE CAMERA AND THE CROWN

THE LITIGATION OF LOYALTY

Grayson sat in the middle of his walk-in closet, which he had declared a "Legal War Room." He was wearing a tiny pinstriped suit and holding a fountain pen like it was a weapon of mass destruction.

"Father Thomas, take a memo," Grayson barked, pacing over his collection of limited-edition loafers. "I am suing Barnaby the Dog for three trillion ham slices, a formal public apology, and the immediate surrender of his GoPro. He has committed high treason against my image! He made me look... clumsy."

"Your Radiance," Father Thomas sighed, "under the Royal Statutes of 1604, a dog cannot be sued. He is technically property. Also, the footage of you falling into the petunias is currently the most-watched video in palace history. Even the King has it as his screensaver."

Grayson froze, his pen hovering mid-air. "The King? My own father? Benedict Arnold in a crown! I am surrounded by betrayers and fluff!"

The "Court" of Rihanna

To settle the dispute, Grayson marched into the Royal Greenhouse, which Rihanna had turned into a "Court of Higher Consciousness." She was sitting on a pile of compost, wearing a judge’s wig made entirely of dried moss.

"Rihanna, I demand justice!" Grayson shouted. "The canine humiliated me! He filmed me from a low angle, which everyone knows is the angle of a villain or a person with three chins!"

Rihanna hit a hollow gourd with a stick. "The Court of the Green Silence is now in session. Grayson, the moss says you are guilty of the greatest crime of all: Caring. The dog is innocent because he is a circle, and circles have no beginning or end."

"WOOF!" ("Exactly. I’m a shape, kid. You can’t sue a shape. Also, that pinstriped suit makes you look like a very angry toddler working at a bank.")

"I AM NOT A TODDLER! I AM AN ICON!" Grayson screamed, throwing his fountain pen at a fern.

The Hostile Takeover

"Fine," Grayson said, narrowing his eyes. "If I can’t sue you, I’ll buy you out. Barnaby, I am officially launching a Hostile Takeover of your brand. From now on, you are no longer 'Barnaby the Dog.' You are 'Grayson’s Accessory #4.' You will wear a muzzle made of diamonds, and you will only bark in French!"

"WOOF. BARK-BARK." ("Good luck with that. While you were talking to the moss-judge, I used your thumb to unlock your backup phone while you were napping. I’ve just uploaded a video of you talking to your reflection for twenty minutes about which shade of white is 'the most royal.'")

Grayson’s face went pale. "You... you didn't. Not the 'Eggshell vs. Alabaster' debate. That was private! That was an artistic process!"

"WOOF." ("It’s already got ten million views. The comments are calling you 'The Eggshell Prince.' It’s a whole meme now. People are photoshopping your face onto omelette.")

The Omelette Outrage

Grayson snatched a passing servant’s tablet and saw it: a viral montage of his face edited onto various breakfast foods. The hashtag #EggshellPrince was trending at #1 worldwide.

"I’m a breakfast food," Grayson whispered, his voice cracking. "I’m... Am I versatile? I’m... nutritious?"

"You’re a joke, Grayson," Rihanna whispered, appearing behind him. "But at least you’re a joke that people find delicious. The eggs told me they are proud to have your face. They feel... elevated."

Grayson looked at the screen, then at the dog, then at his sister. A slow, terrifying smile spread across his face. "Elevated? Yes. Yes, they are. Father Thomas! Forget the lawsuit! We’re pivoting! I am now the Face of Breakfast! Contact the CEO of Cereal! I want a brand deal for 'Grayson’s Royal Flakes' by sunset!"

"WOOF." ("He’s lost it. The ego has finally folded in on itself like a bad soufflé.")