Too Close, Too Fast

The First Night of The Future

Kirstie

Wow, everything went smoothly. I was sitting on the edge of my chair the whole time, ready to jump into the backstage In case there was a problem that I could have solved. Luckily, there no emergencies, so I could almost enjoy the show. I was observing the faces in the audience. It looked everyone was pleased with what they saw. In the end there was a big applause and they called me and Carrrie on the stage. I was moved to tears, because I didn’t expect this at all. I always imagined that Carrie will get all the praise and everyone will kinda forget about me. That wasn’t the case at all!

Even after the show a circle of people suddenly appeared around me. They wanted to congratulate me personally, so couldn’t even get to my chair and to William. Other guy would probably hate that I left him there by himself, but not him. Every time I glanced at him, he had a grin from ear to ear and he was waving at me. And frankly, I enjoyed being in the spotlight. It almost made me forget about Nick, even though I caught myself wondering, if he’s still around and if he will also come to congratulate me. ‘Probably no, if I crushed his heart before,’ I thought.

Then I noticed him, coming back to the lounge, with Natalia by his side. He turned his head and found my stare from across the room. We just winked at me and mouthed something that seemed an awful lot like: “Call me”. I unintentionally smiled at him, as it occurred to me that Nick is not really upset with me and he still believes he could win me over. What a strong confidence… Although he is probably right. If he came to me now and kissed me, I would be his. He’s just THAT charming to me and I have a feeling he knows that.

Finally the crowd around me dissolved and I could go talk to Will. “I am so proud of you, Kirstie. You are really famous now, do you know that?” He stood up and hugged me. “Come on, don’t exaggerate. But I am glad it went well. Can we run away now, as we promised ourselves?” Will nodded, but then I heard a man’s voice behind me. “Miss Stone, could I steal you from your company for a moment?” It was a rich businessman named Cedric Fisher. “Well, if my escort will allow it?” I looked inquiringly at Will, but he didn’t mind at all. “Of course. I can take our coats and wait for you by the entry, is that all right?” I agreed and Will left. I honestly thought Cedric is going to say only something complementary about my work and in fact our conversation started this way. But before I could realize it, he offered me his help in case I would like to set my studio here in New York.

***

 WOW! That’s like a dream coming true – although I never even dared to dream about moving here for good. My work in London is successful only by a hair's breadth, so start again in different country? And in the Big Apple? That sounds more like a crazy talk then a real possibility. But truth is, maybe if I took the chance now, when people talk about our fashion show, it could happen... BIG MAYBE. Am I courageous enough to try it? And do I even want to? What would Will say? It would mean another difficulty and decisions – if postpone the wedding AGAIN, or if it would be possible for him to move with me? My god, my head hurts already from all this thinking.

Ok, I need time to process this. So, I told Cedric I would think about it. I gave him my number, he called me quickly to test it and then we said goodbye and I rushed to find William. At first I was sure I was going to tell him the good news immediately. But his opinion could really affect my choice and this is a thing I should decide by myself – at least try to find out, if I want to do it or not. So… I am not telling him. At least not right away. 

“There you are, my queen!” he exclaimed happily when he saw me coming to him. He helped me with my coat. My stupid mind somehow suddenly jumped back to the moments with Nick. I couldn’t help but compare… And I knew- I needed more of passion and chemistry in my life. But why can’t I feel something like this with William? It’s probably just the issue of knowing each other for a long time. Nick is something new and exciting, that’s why I am acting so crazy  - yeah, that must be it. But I still want to feel it again. Somehow… At least sometimes. In the bedroom especially.

I lost my train of thought a little, when William asked: “So, what do you want to do tonight? I am willing to satisfy all your needs and fulfill all your wishes, my lady.” Ok, that’s it – I have to convince him to have s*x with me. It will be amazing, heated and romantic and I will finally forget about Nick. Plus, I will be able to relax afterwards and maybe will resolve that New York thing once and for all.

***

I didn’t tell William my plan right away. I just couldn’t say :  ‘Let’s have s*x with me, or go to hell.’ Although it’s more or less, what I am thinking now. I suggested to go eat something first and we tried looking for a good restaurant for a while. “You know what? It’s too late anyway, maybe we just order something from the room service in our hotel. That way we can eat alone… maybe even in a tub… or our bed.” I suggested and William seemed on board with this idea, even though he was clueless about my double meanings. I found that out, because he had asked me: “You are tired, aren’t you?” 

He is very considerate. “That’s totally understandable. if you decide to just go to sleep, I will understand and we can enjoy being together tomorrow. I mean – we don’t have to rush, right?” But all I wanted to do, was speed things up a little! “Thank you, but I am not sleepy at all.” I gave him a little wink. Hopefully, he’ll get it soon, or I will die from all the waiting.  

I ordered strawberries and everything else people perceive as aphrodisiacal… and alcohol – a lot of it. Champagne mostly, because William can’t resist it, even though he actually does not drink much normally. We spent nice moments together, lying next to one another, feeding each other and talking about not important stuff. I felt a little better already, although it was difficult to relax, because I still haven’t changed from my dress and haven’t even taken off my bra. I think every woman understands what a sacrifice that is – but I wanted to look pretty for Will and for our special night.

***

Finally, the right moment is here. We stopped eating and now William is holding me in his arms and kissing me. It’s so nice. I am stroking his hair and caressing him on his chest…. and slowly and gently lower and lower. He wants me already, I feel it. “Kirstie… don’t tease me,” he whispers. “I am not teasing you, I want you… I need you. And you promised to fulfill all my wishes, remember? Please, let’s not wait anymore…” Ok, maybe I begged too much, but I am desperate, can’t you understand? It’s important for me to know – if we can be passionate at all.

I was worried he could say no, because that would really hurt me now, more than ever. Luckily, he was too into it, to resist anymore. “Okay,” he said and kissed me again, although it looked like he didn’t think about it too much. Good for me – now let’s try, Kirstie. Be the sexiest woman on Earth and let him be the most amazing man on this planet. First, undress him before he changes his mind. Now, help him take you out of that fancy dress of yours. Oh my God, why is he so slow? He’s probably trying to be careful and not to ruin my dress, but I really don’t care right now. Just rip it off me for God’s sake! But I know I can’t tell him that – it would ruin the moment and his self-esteem. And I need all his self-esteem right now!

Finally, it’s down. Now the bra. Ok, I will help him, this is taking forever… 

***

Screw this! I have been trying so much – maybe even too much. I needed it to be fiery and hot, I needed it so much. I’ve hoped with all my heart it’ll be awesome with William and we will spend the whole night doing it. And that I would never want to stop. I guess it wasn’t fair to Will to expect all this heat, when I always kind of knew that it’s not possible. God, I am a terrible person. Now I am sure of it.

Every other girl would be happy for a boyfriend like William. And a lover like him. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was caring and selfless like always. I felt he was trying to make it beautiful for me. But it just wasn’t enough for me. GODDDD, if I never slept with Nick, I wouldn’t be able to know the difference. I would simply think everything was totally right. Only that it wasn’t. It was only fine for me. Nick ruined everything for me – he was so good and so hot, that it felt like a hundred nights in one. Why have I ever met him?! Oh no, nooo – now I am crying like a total i***t. I only hope William won’t notice it.

Oh, too late. “What’s wrong, honey?” Will asked and drew me closer to him.“ Now, he is kissing away my teardrops, but that only makes things worse for me. I am crying even more, because I am realizing, he’s the best guy in the world and I still don’t want to be with him. I feel like a crap. I am shaking my head, because I am not able to tell him, why I am crying. “I know, it’s been a long and complicated day. You are overwhelmed, is that so?” I am still not able to explain, so I nod for now, hoping he would stop with the questions. Oh, he stopped. But now he starts telling me all the things I don’t want to hear right now:

 “I get that. I am a little emotional too, in fact. It was great and beautiful! I know it was my idea to wait until the wedding, but I don’t regret tonight. It really doesn’t matter anyway, right?. We are engaged, soon to married – this night isn’t a mistake, but it only means we started our life a little earlier. But it won’t change anything for us, you know? This is only the first night of many. This is how it is going to be from now on, you know? I can’t wait for the wedding and everything – then every night will be the same and just as beautiful as this one. We will be falling asleep together, waking up together. From now till the end of days… That’s fantastic, isn’t it?”

I managed to get some sounds out of my mouth and William took them for a yes. Truth is, it was more of a sigh and cry in one. I was desperate and I suddenly felt a strong urge to just run out of that room and away from Will. I couldn’t look at him, so hopeful about our future, when I was so pessimistic about it. “I need to take a bath,” I said between tears. “Should I come with you?” he asked with a grin and I was able to force a little smile. “No, no, I need to be alone for a moment.”

For a moment? More for like all the eternity, that’s probably more accurate. But he just nodded and reached for a TV remote control to watch something on the telly. I went to the bathroom and before I got there, I noticed my cell phone, lying by the door on the ground. I probably left it there unknowingly, when we came home. Now, I took it, almost as out of habit – you know, how it is these days with phones… you see it, you take it. It’s like an addiction, checking all the time, if the world Is reaching out to you somehow. But I really didn’t plan on using it in the bathroom – I really had no one to call or text – plus, what would I even say or write? ‘SOS, help me? I am doubting my relationship with the kindest guy in the whole world?’

Ok, close the door to the bathroom. I am just going to hide in here for a while, think and let it all out. I am crying again of course, even though I am really not sure why anymore. Maybe I should at least turn on the water, before William realizes I lied to him, when I said I am going to wash myself. Although I should probably take a shower at least, that’ll probably help me a little – I need to calm down.

But HOW can I calm down? If my head is spinning all of the sudden and everything from last night is swirling there like on some freaking dance floor. Let’s get the facts straight here: William was probably right about one thing – if we get married and stay together, THIS will be my life. I will spend the rest of my life this way... sad and unable to feel again the passion that I now know can be felt?

No, that can’t be right. I can’t let that happen. But that would mean, I have to break it out with William and start over. And how can I do this to Will? How can I explain to him, what I am missing in our relationship? It will probably hurt him very much, especially now, once we got even closer. I am so stupid! Why did I have to do this? Why? I should have said him the truth about my fling with Nick right away and he would break up with me right away. Maybe it would be difficult and sad, but not like this. Now I’ve given him hope we will be okay, even though we definitely won’t be. Everything is ruined…

‘This is how it is going to be from now on… Then every night will be the same…’ William’s words started haunting me again. It was as if I had a broken record stuck in my head. I washed my face in a desperate attempt to wash every bad idea. Not working, by the way – at all.

Then I heard a beep. My phone lightened up. Probably just a notification from f*******: or something unimportant, I thought. But I still picked up the phone, because staring at the screen seemed like a less desperate thing than staring into nothing and feeling sorry for myself.

It turned out it was a text from Cedric, the businessman, who offered me help with my future in New York and made even bigger mess in my head, than there originally was. And he clearly didn’t want to give up on me.

“Hello, this is Cedric again. Just reminding that my offer about New York still stands – I am sure you’ll realize it’s a great chance for you, so contact me anytime. And I only need to hear 4 words from you: I am on board! ;)”

I read it probably for hundred times and it finally got me to think about anything other than my screwed up love life. I suddenly knew what I had to do, to feel better: change everything. And starting right now… “I’m on board!” I wrote back to Cedric and he texted me a few happy emojis and something about contacting me tomorrow with more details.

Ok, now I felt slightly better, although I was being really selfish. And now let’s have that bath, finally! I still need to figure out, what to tell William and how to end everything with him… Now I know I will break up with him, but I really don’t want to do it right away. Maybe when I’ll come back from the bathroom, he will be asleep. Then I could tell him in the morning. Get me some more time to think and some to sleep and get more energy. Even though I am pretty sure I won’t be even able to sleep. I have a feeling this is going to be a really long night…