Too Close, Too Fast

The Spiral of s*x and Death

Kirstie

“Are you all right, miss?” the hotel receptionist asked me and gave me a puzzled and somehow worried look. I could have read the question ‘What’s her problem?’ in his eyes and even though it is not very professional, who could blame him. I’ve been marching around the hotel lobby like a crazy person, for who knows how long - maybe half an hour... I’ve lost track of time already. “No, no, I am fine, thank you,” I answered, faked a little polite smile and wished the guy would mind his own business for once.

I needed some time to think... alone. Technically, I am not alone even here, in the hotel lobby, but at least I am not with Will for a while. I told him I needed to get something from here and that I will be back soon. “Ok, sweetie, looking forward to you already,” he said.

Sweet, right? But it is a little too much sweet for me, if I’m being totally honest. Since William got here, I didn’t have a minute for myself, really. Not even a second. I know, I shouldn’t be complaining he gives me attention and treats me like a queen. We’ve been having a lot of fun, actually. I really tried to forget everything about… you know who… And I’ve almost succeeded. ALMOST. I managed to not think at him at all for a few days, but today all my efforts went to hell. I took Will to the New York Marble Cemetery. It’s not the most romantic place, I admit it, but it was important for me to bring him to my father’s grave. I really wanted to show William that I am serious about our life together and what says it more, than showing him my roots, my soft spots and even the sadness I’ve gone through?

He understood this and everything was fine… until the very end of the visit of the cemetery. We decided we could take a walk around it, we were strolling there, just enjoying one nice day. Then a memory flashed inside my mind. I remembered my last visit and that I met Nick here. There he was – back in my head, again! And I also realized we were approaching the area where I saw him standing beside somebody’s grave and mourning, maybe even crying. It would probably be better, if I just closed my eyes and try not to look around – but as anyone could guess – that was not the case. I started wondering, which grave it could be… ‘Not this one, not even this, this one maybe? OH NO, this is IT! That’s the one…’ How could I be so sure? It was pretty clear from the writing on the tombstone:

Jasmine Claire Parker (Jan 12 1981 – Feb 4 2010 ),

her daughters Tracy and Annie (May 27 2001 – Feb 4 2010)

and son Nicholas jr. (July 18 2009 – Feb 4 2010)

 I suddenly had shivers all over my body… Nick’s last name was Parker. I stopped there and luckily William didn’t notice because he just got a phone call from work. He went to the side to take it, to not bother anyone in mourning. So I had time to think for a while there… ‘Could this be… Nick’s family?’ I thought and then I noticed the rest of the epitaph that was partially hidden by big flower arrangements. “You were taken from us far too soon – God probably needed a special family of angels and couldn’t pick a greater one. You will always and forever be in our hearts.” And it was signed: “From Grandma Laura, Grandpa Alan and Dad”. No uncle or anything  - so was Nick ‘Dad’? That boy was named Nicholas – maybe named after his father?

Apart from all the beautiful flowers, there were a few photos, which I noticed later. And last of my doubts were swept away right there. Nick was in one of the pictures – it was clearly taken in a hospital. A beautiful woman with light hair was lying in bed, holding a baby in a blue blanket, two young girls (one with curly blond hair and the other one with two brown pigtails) sitting next to her – one at each side of the bed. And Nick standing next to all of them, holding the woman around her shoulder, with an extremely happy and proud look on his face.

I was shocked and stood there silently for a while. It brought tears to my eyes, when I realized, that Nick’s late wife was only 29 when she died – one year younger than I am now. ‘And those poor children – how it is possible they all died on the same day? It’s crazy!’ Then I overheard William saying goodbye to the phone and I didn’t want him to see me like this. I quickly tried to calm myself and took a picture of the grave. I don’t know why I did that – maybe I needed a proof that it was really there and it wasn’t a crazy trick of my imagination or something like that.

That’s why I’ve been here, marching back and forth in the hotel lobby, looking like a maniac probably. ‘Ok, I can sit now,’ I told myself, when I put my head around it at least a little. It was pretty clear, but still hard to just accept it – Nick had a wife. Nick had children – a proper family. And then he lost it. In a heartbeat. It must have been horrible for him. ‘Oh my god, I wish I knew… I would…’ But I didn’t know how to end that sentence. Would I be nicer to him? Would I talk to him about it? Nope – he didn’t tell me, so I am pretty sure he didn’t want to talk to about it. And why would he? We barely knew each other. Only I am the i***t who has told him everything about me – even about Will. Truth is, Nick didn’t talk about himself much. It’s totally understandable why – he probably still loves his family very much and hurts… Oh poor him. Maybe I could write him… Oh no, what am I thinking? What would I say?  “Hi, I saw the grave of your dead wife and kids. It sucks, right?” That’s bull****!

Then I remembered something Nick said the last time we saw each other. “Truth is I'm a terrible person…“ I haven’t really asked him, what that was all about, but I figured he was saying only to make me feel better about myself, because I was feeling super guilty about my a******y. Now, I see in a completely different light. What if Nick was genuine in that moment and really felt like he had done awful things in his life? Is it possible, he blames himself for the deaths of his loved ones? I started shaking head in disbelief, when it occurred to me – he could even kill them himself… I don’t know him that well, so how can I be sure, he didn’t? He could be a psychopathic murderer, for what I know.

‘Oh come on, Kirstie, you are acting crazy! He didn’t kill his wife and children, of course not. He would be in prison in that case. That would be actually better for you, because you’d never met him.’ Stupid Nick and stupid cemetery… Why did I have to go there and see the grave? Why didn’t I mind my own business for once? Now my head is full with these thoughts about Nick again. He’s probably a decent guy, just a widower, who doesn’t want to settle down again – and who could blame him after all that had happened to him, really?

I should stay away from him, just in case, though. I don’t want to end up murdered. Even though I would ‘kill’ for another kiss from him or his touch…’ Seriously, Kirstie? You shouldn’t worry about Nick being a psychopath – you are a little schizophrenic yourself lately. One second you fear he’d kill you, the other you would willingly jump into his arms. Although, truth is, after another passionate night like that previous one, maybe I wouldn’t mind dying after it at all. The s*x was worth every other experience.

This time I was glad, the receptionist came and asked again: “Miss, is there something I could to help you?” At least, he stopped my brain from that crazy spiral of s*x and death. At first, I wanted to shake my head, when I realized that I should probably go back to my hotel room, before Will starts looking all over for me. I just hope he won’t call the police – that way Nick could show up here. Oh no, I am thinking about him again!

But now I realize I told William that I am going to buy some snacks for us. That was my excuse for getting out, but I didn’t even leave the hotel itself, so I didn’t actually buy anything. “Could you maybe get me some.. .candy… or something? Chocolate, for example,” I answered the receptionist and he agreed. “No problem, miss. I’ll be back in just a jiff.”

And he didn't lie, he was really back in a moment or at least it seemed to me that way, because I didn't even finish another thought. „Here it is, I hope you'll feel better after a bite of chocolate.“ I thanked him and noticed his nametag. „Thank you, Richard.“ He smiled, nodded and disappeared without a further comment. I guess he deduced I've been acting weird because of PMS. Never mind, I don't need to worry about another man and what he thinks of me. The only important man is my fiancé, of course, nothing and no one else should matter to me.

So, I finally went back upstairs and told William that I had a call from work and that's why it took me so long. Lies, lies, lies. I am terrible person. I am gonna end up in hell. Although, I probably wouldn’t mind it anyway - I just hope it’s really hot in there – I had enough of cold, winter and rainy days, thank you very much.

***

William

I am so happy that I came to New York! I am having the best time her with Kirstie, it’s like a little renaissance of our relationship. Maybe she was having some doubts about us and I don’t blame her, because we’ve been far away from each other for too long and we didn’t have time for ourselves. Those videochats clearly weren’t enough. And texts and calls? I mean, sure they never can fully replace conversations face to face. Finally, we can kiss again, hug each other, cuddle, just everything.

Kirstie is really busy with work but I knew that, so I try not to put a pressure on her and help her with some of her errands around the city. Luckily, I don’t have to work much myself, Peter is doing most of the work from London and if they need me for anything, it usually can be handled by email, phone call or something like that. I even managed to schedules some meetings, when I’m here, so our company could find another business opportunity here, which is awesome.

Almost every day I go pick out Kirstie from work (only if she says it’s okay beforehand) and we try to enjoy the rest of the day together. Sometimes it’s a nice dinner, but mostly I let Kirstie to show me her favorite places her in the city. Her late father was from here actually and she used to visit him here, so she’s not exactly a newbie in NYC. But I am! Totally, so I am just glad she’s with me here, otherwise I would be lost. Yesterday Kirstie even took me to the cemetery to visit her dad’s grave. She must have really loved him very much, because she seemed very shaken afterward. Even after we left, she was a little too much silent. I tried to comfort her, but she kept saying: “I am fine, thank you.” or “It’s nothing. Don’t mind my moods.”

Today she had to work again, but she seemed okay, when she was leaving in the morning. Nevertheless I thought of a great way to surprise her and try to make her feel better – I will take her out to dinner and to movies. I found a great little theatre, just few blocks away from our hotel. They are playing older movies there, so I managed to befriend the owner and projectionist in one person - Derek. He will let the theatre open for us till midnight and we can watch Kristie’s favorite childhood movie Matilda. I know it too, but I’ve never really understand why it is so important to Kirstie – I mean, it starts like a nice comedy, then it’s a horror movie (that scary headmistress would give me nightmares), but in the end it is a typical fairy tale. Weird, right? Never mind, I will sit through it again, no problem.

I want Kirstie to be happy again, especially now. Tonight it is my last chance to impress her and spend some quality time with her, really. Her fashion show is about to come, it’s actually next Friday, so I know she will have too much work next week. Never mind, I am prepare to be here for her and help, if possible. I am going to rub her feet, prepare a nice hot bath for her and sing to her (even though that’s probably a bad idea since I have an awful singing voice) - I would do anything. I am just glad she didn’t send me home to London yet. This way I can stay here till the show, I can watch her amazing success (she’s nervous but I am sure it’s going to be great) and then we can leave together for London. I can’t wait!

I am really looking forward to next Friday. It’s mostly, because I am proud of Kirstie’s success. A little part of me is happy from a completely different reason – after the show she’s coming home! Finally! We can start our lives together, return to our normal routines and of course, continue with the wedding preparations. I didn’t mind doing it all by myself, but it will be great to do them together – as a couple. I wonder if Kirstie would come with me to the flower shop and meet Violet. I think these two girls would hit it off soon, because they are both so great. I almost hear Violet saying: “Oh hello Mrs. 21 century to be, so glad to finally meet you. William has told me so many great things about you.” Yeah, that would be awesome. Also, I am really looking forward to the wedding itself and not only the ceremony – just the day we will start our journey of life together. Plus, the wedding night? Oh my, you wouldn’t even believe, just how much I am looking forward to that. The waiting is really a pain in the … you know what.

 Sometimes I even regret I even had this idea, but these days it is really difficult to find the right person for you. I mean, did you know that half of the marriages end in divorce nowadays? Maybe it’s even higher number now, I am not sure. These statistics were really depressing, so I quit reading them. Call me old-fashioned, but I simply want to fall in love with the right girl, marry her, have a family with her and be together forever. Grow old together, that’s the dream. I don’t want to end up divorced around my 40th birthday and start over – and what if I end up being alone after all? That would be terrible, I hate to be lonely. I can’t stand being left alone for even a week, so how would I survive eternity?

So, because of these fears, I started my own little research – how come marriages don’t last these days, but used to be more successful, for example thirty years ago? I have come to one conclusion – in the past it was common for people to get to know each other ‘physically’ only after the wedding. s*x was supposed to be a sacred thing, only for married people – basically a holy union of two souls and bodies. It is beautiful, if you think about it. Except that a man still has his needs (I am sure women too but Kirstie seems okay), so there were definitely few times when my lower parts started thinking instead of me and I just wanted to do it, right there, right in that moment. So that’s why it’s secretly killing me... and Kirstie had to go to New York and the wedding got delayed, it suck. I guess, it’s an important challenge for our relationship. It’s an obstacle that will show us if we stand a chance, or not. Yeah, I am trying to stay optimistic, you get it.