Chapter 49
1002 Words
CHAPTER 49
ANGELA
I barely slept that night.
Every time I closed my eyes, I remembered Damian.
His voice.
His hands around mine.
The way he had looked at me when I finally said yes.
You're my girlfriend now.
The words kept replaying in my head.
They should have made me feel happy.
Instead, they made my stomach twist.
Because I hadn't told him everything.
I had said yes while knowing that part of my decision had nothing to do with romance.
I needed protection.
I needed someone powerful enough to stand between me and whoever was threatening me.
And Damian was exactly that person.
But he didn't know.
He thought I had chosen him because I was completely sure about my feelings.
I wasn't.
That was the truth I couldn't escape.
I liked him.
I knew that much.
I liked being around him.
I liked his attention.
I liked the way he made me feel safe.
But was that love?
I didn't know.
And pretending I knew made me feel worse.
My phone vibrated on the bedside table.
I picked it up.
Damian: Good morning, girlfriend.
I stared at the message.
My chest tightened.
I didn't feel like his girlfriend.
Not completely.
Not when I was keeping such a huge part of the truth from him.
I typed:
Me: Good morning.
I sent it.
A few seconds later, another message appeared.
Damian: Did you sleep well?
I stared at the screen.
I wanted to tell him the truth.
No. I couldn't sleep because I feel guilty about saying yes to you.
But I couldn't type it.
Instead, I wrote:
Me: Yes.
The moment I sent it, guilt washed over me.
Another lie.
Even if it was small.
Another thing I was hiding.
His next message came quickly.
Damian: I already miss you.
I closed my eyes.
“Damian…”
Why did he have to make this so difficult?
He was being sincere.
That was what made the guilt unbearable.
He wasn't pretending.
He genuinely wanted me.
And I was sitting there wondering whether I even had the right to accept his feelings when I wasn't completely certain about my own.
My phone rang.
Benedicta.
I answered.
“Hello?”
“Are you awake?”
“Yes.”
“Come over.”
“Why?”
“I want to see you.”
I hesitated.
“Okay.”
I ended the call and sat on the edge of my bed.
I looked at Damian's message again.
I already miss you.
I felt something painful tighten inside my chest.
Was I beginning to care about him?
Maybe.
Was it love?
I didn't know.
And I hated that I didn't know.
---
When I arrived at Benedicta's place, she took one look at me and frowned.
“You look terrible.”
“Thanks.”
“I'm serious.”
“I know.”
She stepped aside to let me in.
I dropped my purse onto the couch.
She watched me carefully.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Don't lie to me.”
I sighed.
“I feel guilty.”
Her expression softened.
“About Damian?”
I nodded.
“I accepted him.”
“Yes.”
“But I don't know if I accepted him because I truly want him or because I need him.”
Benedicta was quiet.
I sat down.
“I do like him.”
“I know.”
“But liking someone isn't the same as loving them.”
She nodded slowly.
“And I don't know what I feel yet.”
“That doesn't make you a bad person.”
“It feels like it does.”
“Why?”
“Because he thinks I chose him completely.”
I looked down at my hands.
“And I didn't.”
Benedicta sat beside me.
“You chose him for more than one reason.”
“Yes.”
“One of those reasons is that you need protection.”
“Yes.”
“And another is that you actually like him.”
I nodded.
“But I don't know how strong that feeling is.”
She sighed.
“Angela, feelings aren't always clear immediately.”
“I know.”
“But you can't force yourself to love someone just because they love you.”
I looked at her.
“Exactly.”
My eyes burned.
“I don't want to pretend.”
“Then don't.”
“But what am I supposed to do?”
Benedicta didn't answer immediately.
I rubbed my hands together nervously.
“I can't tell him about the threat yet.”
“I know.”
“And I can't tell him that I accepted him partly because I need his protection.”
“I know.”
“So I'm stuck.”
She reached for my hand.
“You're scared.”
“I am.”
“And guilty.”
“Very.”
I looked toward the window.
“I just don't want to use him.”
“You're not deliberately using him.”
“But I'm benefiting from his power.”
“Yes.”
“And he doesn't know that.”
She sighed.
“That part is going to hurt when he eventually finds out.”
My stomach dropped.
“I know.”
For a moment, neither of us spoke.
Then my phone vibrated.
I looked down.
Damian: I'll see you later.
I stared at the message.
Benedicta glanced at my face.
“You're thinking again.”
“I can't help it.”
“What are you thinking?”
I swallowed.
“I don't know if I love him.”
She didn't respond.
I looked down at my phone.
“I just know I can't stand the thought of hurting him.”
Benedicta watched me quietly.
Then she said,
“Angela…”
I looked up.
“You really love him, don't you?”
I immediately shook my head.
“No, I don't.”
My voice was quiet.
“I just feel guilty. Can't I have a conscience?”
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