What Other Secrets?

Chapter Eight... Confess

Lada had let go of her hand at the door, making sure it was shut right, and she just stood with her back to Earn, slumped shoulder and head fallen. She didn't even know where to begin, or how to begin, so she just started and hoped it would make sense.

"Earlier... today at the hospital, I'm sorry about that teerak, I know that i could never truly know how you felt hearing me introduce you that way... it's just, I wanted to formally introduce you to them at dinner... though I doubt Tawan's reaction would have been much different"

She said the last part more to herself than to Earn. The latter had been silent through Lada's words and remained so. Lada turned to look at her lover, not knowing what to expect exactly... anger? sadness? betrayal? Or maybe all of the above really. But the face of the actress held a blank look while tears silently and steadily rolled down her cheeks, that was a reaction she hadn’t anticipated. She tried to salvage the situation with her words

"I'm so sorry Teerak, with everything that happened with Tawan... for everything she said to you... about you, it wasn't right and I know it's more of my fault than hers... I'm sorry if I scared you, seeing me like that, I just... I just got so angry... she was mocking, and I just got jealous an-"

"Jealous?" Earn finally said something. Though her tears still flowed, there was no quiver in her voice. It was a striking contrast.

Lada looked up at Earn and breathed out while she looked to the floor. She'd already promised to be completely honest, she couldn't avoid this, so she continued softly, her hand finding the nape of her neck

"I... it felt..." She was having a hard time finding the words she wanted to say

"Lada..." Earn said firmly.

The doctor slightly winced at the sound of her name slip past the lips of the actress, she was used to being called 'P'mor' by the woman, so hearing her name actually stung, she swallowed taking her lower lip between her teeth, she looked Earn in the eye, releasing the mound of flesh.

"I was jealous because it felt like she had gotten more of you in a night, than I had in weeks. Seeing you with your arms around her... then the hickey... it made my frustrations feel worse teerak and being taunted didn't help"

"I have been trying for weeks to have even a single meal with you. You made me feel like you were angry or tired of me, of us, like I didn't matter to you anymore... and now you're saying you were jealous?" Earn spat her words bitterly at the doctor "how exactly does that work?... you made me desperate and pine for your attention like I was some fan girl that was invading your space, like I didn't belong in your life, like I didn't deserve to even know you, like I wasn't your WIFE, and now what? You suddenly care again because of the embarrassing incident YOU caused because you couldn't be honest with me, because you thought lying to me about who you are was right. Okay fine, I get it, Tawan's your sister, and by extension you know Ira, but what about me? How do you think I felt? Watching you offer her a ride in front of me after telling me to carpool with P'suzie, watching you offer to cook dinner for Ira after once again disappointing me for our SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY DINNER, AGAIN!." Earn was screaming with the tears maintaining their steady descent. The pain she had been piling on for weeks acted as a jacket to her words, each morning she had woken up to a cold and empty room only to fall asleep to the same thing, each second she had spent waiting for the Doctor at work made her feel even worse. She kept talking, ignoring Lada's stunned and crestfallen face, guilt was all over her as she stared.

"For god's sakes, do you even still love me?"

"Of course I do Teerak, fo-" Lada was rushing out but Earn beat her to the punch

"Then why?? Why hide me and lie to me and push me away for weeks, why keep so many secrets-" her voice sounded broken and tired. Lada felt a whiplash of emotions as she finally realized just how deeply Earn's hurt went... she took fast steps towards Earn and wrapped her in a hug, Earn tried to move away, but Lada's arms only tightened in response

"Because I'm an i***t my love" Lada's mind raced as guilt ate her up from within, she had planned to surprise Earn and make their 6 month mark memorable, but not like this... Earn had once mentioned never traveling anywhere exotic and would love to one day, and so she'd planned this trip to Hawaii to be a month long... that was the only reason she had done all this... but now her heart wondered and asked her mind what was the point, if the preparation period hurt her lover so much, would it be worth it? No, nothing was worth hurting her wife like this.

Earn's body shook with her cries as she buried her head in Lada's neck. She knew they still had a lot to talk about, but just being able to be held by Lada for the first time in so long made her body relax into Lada's warmth. The very same warmth she had searched for every morning she woke up in a lonely bed.

Lada reached down, grabbing Earn's thighs, and lifted her up into her arms. Earn in response wrapped her legs around Lada's waist. The doctor had understood just how badly Earn needed to be held and planned to start doing things the right way. She walked them over to the bed, Earn still clung to Lada as she sat down. Adjusting Earn slightly above her, she stroked her back softly.

"N'Earn..." Lada started gently and continued when she heard the actresses cries reduce into sniffles.

"I know I said it before. But I'll say it as many times as you'd want, I'm sorry, and I love you... I asked Cherine about 3 weeks back, to move up a months worth of work to 2 and a half weeks."

She felt her lover move her weight above her and took that as a sign that she was listening.

"I tried to finish everything in time for our anniversary because I'd had everything planned, and I wanted to make things special, since it was our 6 month mark, but it also marked what would have been the start of our 5th year together if my mother hadn't... well you know... I was trying my best to finish by our anniversary but then one of our investors got anxious and called for a derailment of plans and it tumbled everything and kept me even busier. I missed you every night I sat in my office chair staring at piles and piles of paperwork, I wanted nothing more than to come home and bury myself in your hugs... I missed you everyday that I didn't hear your laughter... the nights I could come home, I'd have to physically fight myself from waking you up and I'd just stare at you till I had to leave. I'm sorry I said P'suzie should take you instead of me, I thought I could surprise you once I was finally done with work in about 3 days, we'd have started our celebration from Hong Kong to the destination I'd had in mind... I'm... I was so determined to make this special for you that I hadn't even seen how deeply I was actually hurting you"

Earn listened quietly and didn't know how many different feelings she had at once, sadness, joy, but most of all, RELIEF'. The silence after Lada's explanation panned out for a while. She let Earn sink in the words she had said quietly, her hand still soothing the woman.

"Of course you couldn't see I was hurt, you were barely seeing me... it felt like you were avoiding me, especially at your office" Earns voice was a little over a whisper and still cracked from her tears earlier.

Lada shifted her own weight, though subtle, Earn caught it, she rose her head quickly and looked her lover straight in the eye " why were you avoiding me?"