Let go the Past ✔

LET GO 3

FLASHBACK

-JANE-

"What did you say?" Liza confirmed in a firm tone. I know she's just controlling herself.

"I-am pregnant." I responded in a shaky voice. I didn't notice that I'm already crying.

"W-Why? I mean how?" This time her voice is much lower but I still can't deny the hurt and betrayal behind it.

I lashed out. That's my defense mechanism in every situation I'm facing.

"Isn't it obvious?! I had sex." I answered in a loud voice. "You really think you're satisfying my needs Liza?!" I even added.

I saw how it pains Liza but I'm too late, I already hurt her.

She took a deep breath before asking another question.

"Who's the father?" She inquired.

"It's not important. This is a mistake, so it should be corrected." I said in my cold voice, of course at the back of my head, even how much I convinced myself that it's okay to abort this "little life" growing inside of me I still can't deny the fact that it's hard for me to do it too. How can I punish someone who's innocent?

"You don't mean that Jane. I can help you, we can raise that child together." Liza genuinely offered. This is the only time I had the guts to look at Liza. She's looking at me with sincerity, I don't deserve her.

END OF FLASHBACK

 I'm not stupid, ever since I know how much Liza values me, well, more of how much Liza loves me more than her friend but I always take her for granted thinking that since I'm giving her my body it's should suffice everything she's doing for me. She did not forced me though, I'm the one who want this set up, I'm the one who initiated everything. Liza even rejected me the first time I told her I want her but the moment I told her I'll ask for others help if she really don't want me, she had no choice but to take me. Every time we did the "act" I always felt Liza's respect and love towards her action, she always consider me first. I guess I have no respect with myself back then so I find someone who can give me the disrespect that I want, I will not get that from Liza cause all I can get from her is love. I slept to different kinds of people. People who somewhat can relate with my life, until I met Tim. He's different from those who I slept with yet can relate with me, I don't know. I felt instant connection with him maybe because his parents were also divorced. He understood where I'm coming from, unlike Liza who see the world differently. I want someone who's more real, real in a way because we're taking the same path. Tim is not afraid to tell me his insecurities in life, so I'm drawn into him. I spent most of my time with him that I totally forget about Liza. I remember every moments I came home to see sleeping Liza on my couch, she waited all night because she's worried about me. Liza who never asked about my whereabouts as long as I'll go home safe. Liza who will welcome me with warm smile and ask me if I'm hungry so she can reheat the food she prepared last night but I'm blinded. I never acknowledged everything that Liza did for me. I'm so stubborn. I'm too selfish. Liza convinced me not to abort the baby. The moment she offered to marry me, I declined and instead run after Tim. He's the father of the child I'm carrying after all, I'm just glad that since Tim and I shared the same fate about our broken family, we don't want our child to experience the same thing so even lacking with "love" he agreed and until now we're enduring the life choices we made.

I was brought back to reality when I felt someone caressing my cheek.

"You okay Janey?" Liza gently asked maybe she noticed that I zone out.

I gave her a soft smile and a nod.

"Yes. I'm sorry." I apologized.

She chuckled and open her arms, welcoming me for a hug. I didn't hesitate and oblige. I just love being inside Liza's embrace. We both sigh in content. I bury my face on Liza's neck inhaling her addicting smell, this is one of the things I love about Liza. She smells home.

We fell silent for I don't know how long and just enjoying each others warmth. We're in Liza's living room's couch.

"I terribly missed you, Liz." I mumbled on her neck.

She chuckled. I felt that she kissed my hair.

"I missed you too MRS. Hale."

I rolled my eyes despite her not seeing me.

"You'll stay now, right?" I asked hopeful. I don't want to sound clingy but I really want Liza to be around, I'm lost without her in my life.

She heaved a sigh.

"I hope I can say yes, Jane." She answer, sounded sad. I pulled away to look at her face. My hands on both of her shoulders.

"Why? Where will you go this time?" I inquired.

She just shrugged, not answering my question and about to pull me back for another hug but I stop her. I want answers.

"Liza..."

"I'm still not over you Jane. That's the truth." She said directly looking into my eyes.

I froze.

Since I married Tim, Liza never brought back her feelings about me anymore. The day of our marriage I know how much hurt I've caused Liza. She even begged me not to push the wedding promising me that she'll do everything in her capacity to give me and Laila a good life instead but of course I'm stubborn. I declined. Liza never left my side until the time Laila was born, despite all the hurt she stayed at my side and love Laila as if its her own child.

She awkwardly chuckled and brushed her hair. One of her habits if she's nervous. Heck I'm nervous too.

"I thought after couple of months of being away from you and not seeing you I'm already over you but I'm not. To be honest I don't think the time will come that I'll be over you." She continued. She smiled sadly. "The moment I saw you struggling in that grocery store holding those bags and chasing Laila? I really want to scream at your face how much I hate you, I hate you because of what you're doing to yourself." She added then I felt her thumb brush my right cheek. I didn't noticed I'm crying so is Liza. "Since we're little I did all the best in my capability so you'll not feel that you're alone, Jane. I always pray that despite not having a perfect family somewhat me being with you you'll feel that you're home but I failed Jane, I failed big time." Liza's voice already hoarse cause of too much crying. "You seek for others company, cause my presence is not enough..."

"No..." I interrupted her shaking my head in disagreement, she's wrong she's more than enough and I'm just being i***t.

"It's okay." She gave me a reassuring smile. "The moment you married Tim? I already accepted my defeat." She added. "All I want is your happiness Janey, I want you to think and feel that at the end of the day you deserve all those good things in life too. I'm sick of you punishing yourself, I hate seeing you blaming yourself for everything you have no control with, like your parents divorce. You're so little back then, you don't deserve all the pain you experienced along the process of that divorce. I'm hurting seeing you hurt but now? You can now make a difference. Stop living in a past and start living your life. I hope that if we'll see each other in the future I'll see my Janey back. The Jane with her genuine gummy smile. I know Laila bringing you different kind of immense joy but I want you to experience that joy inside of you as well. I want you to be happy within you Jane and not because of anything or someone else." She added lovingly.

I'm all aware that Liza care and love me but I can't believed how much until now. I'm speechless. I really took this person for granted? I'm really stupid.

"Liz..."

She stopped me by kissing my forehead and cupping my face.

"I love you so so so much, Jane." She smiled, a sad one. "God knows how much I tried to give the happiness you deserve. I tried I swear." She chuckled humorlessly. "I-I even accepted the fact that I'm not the person that can cause you that happiness so even seeing the love of my life marrying someone in front of my very eyes, I didn't complained. But seeing you now? This is not the Jane I want to see." She ended.

I sniffed.

"W-What do you want me to do, Liza?" I asked. Since I married Tim my life decisions depended on him and only him. Heck, I even forgot when was the last time I consider myself first. Its always him.

She gave me a warm smile.

"You're not a hero, Jane. Stop sacrificing yourself for others. Stop punishing it and maybe learn that sometimes maybe having the same fate as your parents doesn't equally mean you're as bad as them. You're a good and loving mother. Laila will not be happy if she grew up and found out that you're just staying in a relationship with her father just because you don't want her to experience a broken family just like you." She long explained. I stiffened. I really don't think that way until now that Liza emphasized it for me.

I'm now crying hard.

To be honest I already lost myself a long time ago and sticking with Tim is not just only because of Laila, it's because I need it to survive.

I flinched when I felt Liza pulled me for a hug but relaxes eventually.

She's consoling me.

"Shhh. It's okay Janey. Everything will be okay soon." She assured me.

I looked up to see her face and for the first time I see Liza in different perspective.

"Why despite all the pain I've caused you still choose to be by my side Liz?" I asked.

"I also ask myself about that question, Jane." Lisa tried to joke to lighten the mood but it made me anxious.

I don't deserve a selfless person like Liza.

That moment, I already understand Liza.

I need to let go of my past. Including her.

***

-LIZA-

I yawn as I stretched my arms. I opened my left eye to look around, I end up sleeping on the couch, well we end up sleeping here. Me and Jane. I remembered how she fell asleep inside my arms.

I noticed the blanket she put for me and it made me smile. Its been a while since someone look after me. The girls I been with only after undressing me if you know what I mean.

"Jane?" I called.

I creased my brows when I didn't hear a response. Maybe she fell asleep beside Laila.

I check my reflection first, what? I need to look presentable. When I'm satisfied I directed to my room where Laila is sleeping. I creased my brows not seeing her or even her mother there. My bed already fixed as if no one slept there.

I have a bad feeling.

"Jane? Where are you?" I called with a more serious voice.

"Janey? Its not funny." I remember how Jane love doing pranks so maybe she's just messing with me but still I didn't hear a response.

I checked my phone and saw Tim's text.

FROM: Timothy Hale 5:40AM

They left me

They left me too.