CHAPTER 3: THINGS I DON’T SAY
917 Words
There were some feelings that arrived all at once.
A confession. A heartbreak. A first kiss.
The kinds of emotions that changed everything overnight, dividing life into a before and after.
But there were other feelings that crept in quietly. The dangerous kind. The ones that slipped into your life so naturally that you didn’t realize how much they meant until it was too late.
Mine had started years ago.
At least, I thought they had.
Sometimes I wondered if there had been a specific moment. A single memory I could point to and say, That’s when it happened.
Maybe it was when Nikolai Hayes started waiting for me after school in fifth grade because he’d noticed I always walked home alone.
Maybe it was when he gave me half his lunch because I’d forgotten mine.
Maybe it was when he punched a boy in sixth grade after hearing him make fun of my accent while I was speaking Tagalog with my grandmother on the phone.
Or maybe it wasn’t any of those things.
Maybe loving Nikolai had become so woven into my life that I couldn’t remember a version of myself that didn’t.
Whatever the reason, the result was the same.
I was in love with my best friend.
And he was in love with someone else.
The realization hit differently every time. Some days it was a dull ache I could ignore. Other days it felt like pressing on a bruise just to remind myself it was still there.
Today happened to be one of those days.
I spotted them before they noticed me.
Nikolai was standing beside his locker, laughing at something Vivienne had said. She leaned against the metal door, one hand tucked into the sleeve of his varsity jacket. The morning sunlight streaming through the hallway windows caught the golden highlights in her blonde hair, making her look like she’d stepped out of a magazine advertisement.
She was beautiful.
Not in an intimidating way.
Not in a mean-girl way.
Just effortlessly beautiful.
The kind of girl who smiled at strangers and remembered everyone’s birthday.
The kind of girl who volunteered at charity events and actually enjoyed it.
The kind of girl nobody could hate.
Least of all me.
Which honestly would’ve made things easier.
Because if Vivienne Collins had been cruel or selfish, I could’ve blamed her.
I could’ve convinced myself that Nikolai deserved better.
Instead, she was wonderful.
And that somehow made everything worse.
“Amielle!”
I blinked as Nikolai spotted me.
His face immediately brightened.
That familiar smile appeared—the one that had been getting him out of trouble since elementary school.
The one that made me forget every reason I had to be annoyed with him.
The one that probably should’ve been illegal.
He waved me over.
I hated that my heart still sped up.
I hated that it always would.
Pulling my backpack higher onto my shoulder, I walked toward them.
“Morning,” I said.
“You’re late.”
I checked the clock above the hallway.
“I am literally two minutes early.”
“Still late.”
“That’s not how time works.”
“It is for me.”
Vivienne laughed softly.
I smiled despite myself.
This was another problem.
Nikolai made it incredibly difficult to stay miserable around him.
Even when I wanted to.
Especially when I wanted to.
“Did you finish the history assignment?” he asked.
I stared at him.
“Are you serious?”
“What?”
“You texted me at midnight asking for answers.”
“I was conducting research.”
“You copied my homework.”
He placed a hand dramatically over his chest.
“I prefer the term collaborative learning.”
Vivienne shook her head.
“One day you’re going to get caught.”
“Impossible.”
“You’re literally telling on yourself.”
“Also impossible.”
I rolled my eyes.
Vivienne laughed again.
For a moment, the three of us stood there exactly as we always had.
Comfortable.
Easy.
Normal.
And that was the problem.
From the outside, everything looked fine.
Nobody could see the secret I carried around every day.
Nobody could see how much effort it took to smile naturally when Nikolai slipped an arm around Vivienne’s shoulders.
Or how I immediately looked away whenever they kissed.
Or how every reminder that they belonged to each other felt like another tiny c***k somewhere inside my chest.
Nobody knew.
And I intended to keep it that way.
Because some truths were too selfish to say out loud.
The first bell rang, saving me from my thoughts.
Students immediately began moving through the hallways.
Lockers slammed shut.
Conversations ended.
The usual morning chaos took over.
“See you at lunch?” Nikolai asked.
I nodded.
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
Vivienne smiled at me.
“Bye, Amielle.”
“Bye.”
I watched them disappear into the crowd.
Then I immediately hated myself for watching.
This was getting ridiculous.
I wasn’t twelve years old anymore.
I wasn’t supposed to spend my mornings staring after a boy who had absolutely no idea how I felt.
A boy who trusted me.
A boy who considered me family.
A boy who loved someone else.
The logical thing would’ve been to move on.
The healthy thing would’ve been to move on.
Unfortunately, my heart had apparently never been interested in logic.
And after years of trying, I was beginning to suspect it never would be.
- Writer
