Homecoming

Chapter 09

When Samir woke up in the morning of Chaturthi, he was apprehensive with anticipation. He had decided that he would talk to Mou that day. He had spent the last couple of days thinking about what should he talk about, how he should talk. He cared for Mou too much to hurt her; however, it was too much for him to leave the matter hanging.

-"Hi Grandfather, can I have some two hundred rupees?" He asked Ashok after wishing them a good morning.

-“Yes, sure, but why you need that much money?”

-"I am going out with my friends to watch the puja today. Later we might grab a bite or two. So I needed some pocket money." Samir was honest with them. He did get pocket money weekly, but it was not much. After phone bills, snacks, and cigarettes, particularly after cigarettes, he was not left with much. It was a special occasion, so he really needed the money.

-“Who else is going? Sayan, Mohit, Somdatta: are they going?” His grandparents knew only a few of his friends, not that he had a lot of friends. Somehow, with reasons unknown to him, he was not able to talk about Mou to them. Was he embarrassed about it, he did not know.

-"Yes, they are going and a few others. Now, can I please have the money?"

Ashok nodded and went away to get his purse. Rina said, "So, you will have lunch outside then?"

-“Yes, that’s the plan. What are you going to do grandmother?”

-“We will not do anything my dear” Rina smiled.

-“Are you not going out to watch the puja?”

-"Maybe not this year." Rina's answer reminded him that it was not even a year since his parents' accident. He suddenly felt guilty. He had not thought of his parents while planning for the trip. He felt that he was cheating them. He fumbled for words when Rina said "It's ok Bukan, you should go out. We are old to go out on Chaturthi. Maybe you can take us to the Anjali on Astomi. Go have fun with your friends."

-“Yes Bukan, go ahead. Forget the past. You have your entire life in front of you. Let the past go.” Ashok came back with five one hundred rupee notes “Here, enjoy the day.”

-“But grandfather, it is way more than what I need” Samir tried to protest.

-“Don’t worry about it. Just use them wisely”.

Samir thanked them and went back to his room. Let it go but how to let it go? He had no idea.

Like any big city, Kolkata had is own signature. Even within the Kolkata, the north and south are two distinctly different divisions. That difference is more pronounced during the Puja. North Kolkata pujas were more traditional and south more 'theme' based. It was not possible to cover the pujas of the city in one day, let alone in a few hours. So they had decided to focus on South Kolkata, more specifically Gariahat. Other than a famous market, Gariahat is the center of many famous pujas.

-"We will meet at Ekdalia first, then we will move towards Kalighat metro. We will have lunch and then spend some time in Madox Square and then we will go back." Somdatta was the natural leader in any group.

-“We will not go to any restaurants by the way” Mohit was briefed well by Mou “We will have roadside food, I prefer Moglai Porota.”

-“Alright foodie, we will see, but don’t be late.”

As it happened, Somdatta was late herself and she was the last person to reach the venue.

Samir reached there on time, again, and found no one had arrived yet. He had little difficulty in locating the Ekdalia Puja, but the traffic police were very helpful. On his grandmother's insistence, he was dressed in a Punjabi, a traditional Bengali dress. It was in his favorite color - blue. However, he resisted her argument to wear a pajama, traditional leggings, instead he had chosen jeans.

Barun was next to come. Although Samir had not held a grudge against Barun for the very first day of his school, he did not like him never the less. He politely said Hi and waited for others to show up.

Slowly, one by one they came and the 'adda' (Bengali for discussion) started. Mohit was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and was looking very handsome. "You are going to kill it today" Subrat commented.

-“My luck is not that good” Mohit replied.

As the adda was in full swing, Mohit suddenly whistled “Boy, she is looking great today!”

Samir turned around to see and his heart skipped a beat. In an off white siphon saree, traditional Bengali attire for ladies, Mou was looking simple breathtaking. On any normal day, she might not come within the top five prettiest girls of the class, but for that day, to Samir, she was the prettiest.

-"Hi gorgeous, you are looking hot," Mohit said and went to hug her.

Instead of being embarrassed or anything she laughed and hugged him back “I know. By the way, you are not looking bad either.”

Samir felt a pang of emotion inside. Was that jealousy? He did not know. He did not say anything to Mou as Somdatta finally arrived and they started their tour, finally.

As they visit one pandal (temporary wooden structure for the worship of Goddess Durga) to another, Samir found he was not able to recall the words he previously prepared to tell Mou. Samir was quite even for his usual standards. He was not able to enjoy the tour.

-"Look, guys, can we have lunch after we visit Maddox Square? I mean I had lunch at home and I am full. I can't take anything" Somdatta said. As it appeared, since it was decided not to go to any restaurant, many of them had lunch at home before coming. So Somdatta got the support of the majority. Although he was starving, Samir did not say anything.

As they headed towards the Maddox Square, Mou hang back. “what’s wrong?” Samir asked.

-"These new shoes. I am having trouble walking." Mou smiled. Samir nodded knowingly. They walked slowly together, silently.

-“Why they are walking so slow? They will slow us down.” Barun said.

Somdatta rolled her eyes “Let them be. What’s the matter with you? Let them come, we will wait for them in the Maddox Square. It is not that we are getting late for something.”

Mou smiled at her and waved them to go ahead. Once there was a considerable distance between them, Mou said: "You are looking very handsome today."

-“More than Mohit?” Samir asked even before thinking.

-“Jealous? Are we?” Mou laughed, her lively, contagious smile was like a melodious song. Samir could not help but laugh along with her as well.

-“You are also looking really good. Stunning” he complimented.

-“Is it why you took so much time to talk to you?”

Samir took a deep breath. Now it's time. It was the moment of truth. He did not answer her directly "Do you remember on the first day when you send me that Elvis Presley song?" Samir asked.

-“Yes, I think I do.”

-"Did you just send the song, or were you trying to say anything?"

Mou paused for a while “What do you think?”

Samir felt his pulse rate was high, he was not feeling anything around them. It was only two of them and rest were just blurted out "I think you meant something."

-“I did, didn’t I?”

-"Ok, just for f**k's sake, can you stop playing games like for five minutes" Samir did not know why he reacted out of nothing. "I am sorry, I did not mean to," He said after a moment of silence.

-“It’s ok. I was being a drama queen. Yes, I tried to tell you something.” She got quite.

-“What?” Samir could barely speak.

Instead of answering, Mou held his hand as they walked past the crowded road and sang:

“Take my hand, take my whole life too

Oh, for I can't help falling in love with you”

Samir could not talk. A tsunami of a thousand words was roaring inside him. So many emotions. He was happy, blessed even to have a girl like Mou as his girlfriend. But on the other hand, how could he? It was not even one year since he became an orphan, suddenly, unexpectedly, brutally. He thought, more than once, to finish his life. Life had lost all the meaning, it was just a grey, painful journey that he had to take alone. He was destined to suffer. And yet here he was, walking hand in hand with the most beautiful girl in the whole world, hoping for a better tomorrow. For the second time of the day, he felt like he was betraying his parents and their memories. Awkwardly, he took his hand out of her hand.

-“What?” Mou asked calmly.

Samir did not know how to answer "I don't know, I mean I can't do it. It's not even a year since they left me. I-I-I never thought I can live a normal life again. Everything, every damn thing, inside me died with them." He took a deep breath "I am sorry, I am really sorry, but I can't do it."

Mou took her time to answer “What exactly you mean by ‘It’?”

-"I can't be in a relationship, at least now. I am sorry if I have to lead you falsely; but I, I can't think of a future for me. I am just living one day at a time. I don't what I will do tomorrow, or if there will be a tomorrow. God, I don't know if I am making a sense or not."

-“You know, unfortunately to me, you are making perfect sense. I have also gone through the exact phase in my life”

-“What nonsense? You have your parents. How can you compare your situation with mine?”

Mou bit his lips and continued in a very dry, emotionless voice "My parents are alive, yes, but you or matter of fact none of my friends know is that they are going to have a divorce. They are staying separately now. So life is not exactly the same or normal for me as it was before. So I know what it is like to be YOU."

-“I am sorry” Samir did not know what to say “What happened?” he asked foolishly.

-"Well, after twenty years of marriage, my dad found someone else from the office to sleep with, that's what happened. And don't be sorry on account of them, it is actually better now than constant fight, shouting and mental t*****e. I had a crush on you when I saw you explain your science staff in the board during lunch, you were like that serious, silent boy who knows everything but does not show it off. But truth to be told, you were not my first crush. I had a crush on many classmates or teachers before. You can call me romantic, maybe I have it from my father. But you were my first crush who showed interest in me. When you followed me to the girls' toilet to ask my name, the way you were stammering and blushing, I instantly fall for you. But then you started ignoring me. I understand now why, but that time I was insulted like you had slapped me right in the face. So, I asked you those questions at that party. I am sorry for that."

-"Hey, no, I am sorry, I should not have insulted you, I did not mean to" Samir started. As Mou smiled "Its ok Sam, its completely ok, I have let it go. Just like I have let the divorce of my parents go. You see life taught me one lesson, life is a b***h. Without pain, nothing can be achieved. You see the purpose of a candle is to give light, but it can't serve it without burning itself down." She laughed again "I am giving big lectures, am I not? But I have thought of these for a long time, a really long time. For a great period, everything in my life was dark. Then you came as a light at the end of the tunnel. The day you chased me to ask my name, Sam, that is the best memory I had about you. Someone I fancy is interested in me. Then these bus rides, together I got close to you. What I had was an infatuation, but it changed to something else." They could see their friends sitting at a distance so Mou stopped and faced Samir "I am talking so much as I need to get these things out. Sam, I liked you but after these few months, I started depending on you. You are the only thing that is positive in my life. Sam, I love you."

Samir was about to say something but Mou stopped him "I love you but that does not mean you have to love me back. I understand your situation because I was in the same myself. Take your time. We have three years of school and four years of college ahead of us. Time is with us. I love you and I always will. Take your time to settle. And Sam" She held his hand once again "Let it go. Let the past go. Embrace the life. It will do you good. I know, because it helped me. Let it go."

Samir could not say a word. "Let it go". For the second time on the same day, he was told to do it. Let it go. "But can I let it go? Do you know what my biggest regret is Mou? I was supposed to be in the car with them, but I stayed back. I am alive, that is my biggest regret."

-"I know, its hard, but this is the only way." Mou looked at him sadly. "I had a cat when I was a child. I used to feet it every day. One day, in the morning, as I going out I saw it's a dead body. That was the first time I saw death. I know a pet and parents are not comparable, but for a five-year-old me, that was like the end of the world. I cried for days, stopped taking food, but see, after a decade I hardly remember the cat. Time is the biggest healer, just let it go."

Samir nodded. Somehow it was making sense. “Let’s go, meet the others”. He needed time to think but he felt it surprisingly assuring that Mou loved him, although he did not answer her.