The Roycroft Dictionary

G

GAIETY: 1. An effervescence of spirits produced by the expectation or the receipt of money. 2. The emotion of a poor person on learning of the death of a rich relative.

Gallant: 1. To remember one is a gentleman in spite of one's birth and training. 2. To give up your seat in a car to a woman, and tread on your neighbor's foot to get even. 3. To do a perfectly unselfish act from selfish motives.

Gent: A chauffeur who has a cab-driver for a chum.

Gentleman: One who is gentle toward the friendless.

Glory: The five senses of the dead.

Genius: 1. One who offends his time, his country and his relatives; hence, any person whose birthday is celebrated throughout the world about one hundred years after he has been crucified, burned, ostracized or otherwise put to death. 2. One who stands at both ends of a perspective; simultaneity of sight; to be one's self plus; to be synonym and antonym to everything. 3. The ability to act wisely without precedent-the power to do the right thing for the first time. 4. A capacity for evading hard work.

Giveth: The lisping tense of give. E. g., "He giveth His beloved sleep."-From The Ironic Sayings of Jehovah.

Gossip: 1. Vice enjoyed vicariously-the sweet, subtle satisfaction without the risk. 2. The lack of a worthy theme.

Glutton: A poor man who eats too much, as contradistinguished from a gourmand, who is a rich man who "lives well."

God: 1. The John Doe of philosophy and religion. 2. The first atheist. 3. A puzzle-editor.

God and Satan: The Pathe Freres of existence.

Goddess: A Super-Huzzy mated with an apotheosized Super-Thug.

Good Habits: Mentors and servants that regulate your sleep, your work and your thought.

Good Sport: A man whose soul is equipped with automatic lubrication.

Good Luck: Tenacity of purpose.

Government: A kind of legalized pillage.

Gourmand: A rich man who eats the surplus production of the world's foodstuffs that the starving are too niggardly to purchase.

Grammar: The grave of letters.

Graft: An agrarian expression first used by Ali Baba.

Guesswork: A shallow depression, pit, or cavity in the consciousness of an editorial writer when he is warning the people.

Great Man: One who perceives the unseen, and knows the obvious.

Gutter: The Lourdes of the puritanical mind, where it finds what it seeks.

Groucherino: One whose life is just one dam kick after another.

Gratitude: A lively sense of anticipation concerning favors about to be received.

Gumma: A substance that forms in the cabeza by an overindulgence in mint juleps; hence, to become a Super-Brute or a political Has-Been.

Grief: 1. The telescope of the emotions that unfolds to your eye the meaning of all worlds. 2. The overtones in all joy. 3. The pleasure that lasts the longest. 4. The tears of Memory. 5. The vice of weakness and the virtue of strength.