lost love

SHADOW

I got behind the wheel and escaped the place as fast as I could; I didn’t want my mom’s attention on me right now.

She would ask a hundred questions, and I was not in the mood to answer. I knew this wasn’t the solution to my problem, but I preferred to run away as always.

At least for this week, right after my birthday, those were the days when he left me. The days I wish to end my life. I worked like Robert the whole year but always lost control over my emotions during that time. I can’t handle this problem; I prefer to escape away from everyone, to cry alone. This is what I deserve.

Packing my suitcase, I booked my flight to Shimla. I can never get bored with this place.

I don’t remember how many times I have visited, but every time I come to Shimla, it brings me both joy and pain. Though I feel lonely, the memories of the past make me feel anchored.

This is where I first met him, where I fell in love, and yes, this was the place where I last saw him.

Sometimes, I wonder if he was still with me... Maybe we would have already married and have our own family, we could hold hands and walk the streets as a happy couple, holding his warm hand and resting my head on his shoulder, remembering how safe I felt in his arms. But… after getting off the plane, I got in the cab to the small-town hotel.

The cold wind blew through the window, reminding me that I no longer had those warm, safe arms around me. There is no medicine for regret.

I always book the same hotel whenever I come to Shimla. Entering the hotel, I saw the manager, and we exchanged greetings. We've become friends due to my frequent visits, and I always try to book Room 245 or any room around it.

This time, I got the room. As I entered, my eyes scanned the surroundings—nothing much had changed in the last five years.

I opened the curtains, and the view was as beautiful as always. The only thing that had changed was the lack of warm arms around me and a strong chest behind me. I remember it as if it was just yesterday when he hugged me in his arms and promised that we would be together forever until all our hair turned white. But he broke his promise and left me behind.

I stood on the balcony like a statue lost in memories of the past that warmed my heart until the sunset when the sky turned colour finally settling to black. The ringing phone brought me back. I closed the balcony door and started to arrange my things in the wardrobe. I paid no attention to my phone. It continued to ring. I knew it was Mom, but I didn’t have any intention of taking this call.

After settling down with my things, I decided to stroll around and leave my hotel. The Mall road was filled with tourists, the majority of them couples walking hand in hand. I walked to church admiring the surrounding beauty, lighting music, joyful laughter, and the fragrance of food. There is a festive aura of warmth and comfort everywhere in this place. Even in February, cold wind is still around but hardly has any effect on anyone.

I try to blend in with the warm waves around me, but no matter how hard I try, my heart can’t be warmed. My eyes turned red, and my vision blurred due to tears.

I have promised myself many times that I would be strong. I won’t cry anymore, but I always fail to keep this promise.

I almost ran back to my room, closed the door, and isolated myself from the world. I didn’t turn on the lights, and let the darkness engulf me. All the emotions that I hid behind my strong and confident smile came to the surface with my tears.

Regret, anger, pain, helplessness. I don’t remember how long I cried with pieces of my broken heart. When I opened my eyes it was already past 10 in the morning. My eyes were swollen, and my throat was hoarse and sore as I slept on the carpet without any cover.

My head hurt slowly. I dragged myself to the washroom. I looked miserable, but it was my true self. I hid it behind masks because I didn’t want anyone else to see me like that. I cleaned myself, took a warm bath and called the room service to order my breakfast. Returned to the perfect image I have been living for the last five years. I have seen many people moving on from the past, but no matter how much I try to forget, I can't. Maybe it's my punishment or my guilt that won't let my wound heal.

Soon, the doorbell rang. I opened the door, leading the waiter inside, he placed the tray on the table and nodded towards me before leaving the room. He closed the door behind him. I took my breakfast to the balcony. It was a simple bread, omelette and coffee. It only took me a few seconds, above a minute, to clean the plate. As I was sipping my coffee, I saw a pamphlet peeking through the newspaper.

It is about a circus show tomorrow at 8 pm. I planned to go, so I kept the pamphlet in my purse. After being locked up in the room for a day, I decided to go out for dinner.

I had dinner in a restaurant and started walking towards my hotel when I saw a shadow behind me. I ignored it, but something seemed to be wrong. I turned around to see, but the street was empty. I continued and saw the shadow behind me again. This time I didn't turn or stop but picked pace and entered my hotel.

I turned back and saw a shadow entering the dark alley this time.