Fire sparks

Ch. 8 A Nightmare's Nightmares

Besides carrying my babies and sacrificing any sort of maternal relationship with them for their own survival, the next closest hint of maternal bond I gave either of them was the chat I had with Lucian after his first successful Judgement.

I found him in his room with Eve, of course. He was showing her his collection of worn and broken ‘toys.’ They weren’t toys. They were rocks and sticks. He didn’t know the difference, and he was so proud I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

I was horrified to see him acting so normal. He’d just ordered the murder of a relatively innocent man. Not just a murder, but a really f*****g brutal one. 

When I returned home, I’d chucked the eye balls over the balcony, hoping the memory of this day would disappear with them. It didn’t.

I knew he would be here; it was the only place he knew. I could hear his sweet voice echoing down the hallway as he explained the many different functions of each toy in his collection. For a moment I lingered outside the door, listening to the innocent interaction.

“This one can be anything, because… look at it! It’s so cool! You can use it for a horse, or it can be a weapon, or it can be a person, or it can be food- but don't actually eat it, it's just for pretend- or it can be anything you can think of!” A soft but approving coo followed his explanation. For a moment I let myself imagine they were normal children growing up in a normal realm playing with normal toys. They’d love each other and play together like this for a few years and then they’d bicker and fight and drive me insane before ultimately becoming the best of friends. 

They weren’t normal kids though. Not by a long shot. The memory of the Judgement my first born had just given- at merely four years of age!- forced its way to the forefront of my mind. I inhaled sharply. Lucian’s voice came to an abrupt end within his room. He had heard.

I peeked around the corner to find him glowering at the doorway. I hated that he had to feel this way. There were so many times I’d second guessed my parenting tactics. Maybe I could have taken on the brunt of everything. Maybe I could have been so despicable that no one dare touch anything that meant something to me. 

We were way beyond rectifying the situation, though. And being his own alli was his best shot for survival, despite my regrets. I looked into those beautiful eyes. There was so much power within them. Lately, they’d also held a new amount of determination, too. I wished he would look at me differently, but still, I admired the confidence they now exuded.

I tried to square my shoulders and match his confidence, but found myself nervously shifting my weight from left to right. “Lucian, come.” I straightened my chin, but he only raised an eyebrow at me. 

“No.”

“Come here. Now.”

“No.”

“Lucian.”

“Maeve.”

“Lucian! Now!

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

I was arguing with a four year old and he was winning. I had an ace in hole. “Lucian, come or I will have Hades make you come.”

He tilted his head to the side. He knew that Hades was a monster. He also knew that monster despised his sister. He sighed heavily and passed Eve a rock that was too big to swallow. “Here, sis. This one can be anything! Look, you can even make it fly!” He moved the rock through the air making a swooshing sound with his mouth. His sister giggled and took the rock from her brother. It was too heavy for her, so she immediately brought it down to her chest but smiled. Maybe because she was happy with the toy or maybe because she didn’t want to disappoint her brother.

He stood, but took his time walking to meet me. I turned on my heels and walked further away from where my daughter lay beneath a small stone. Hiding from a baby seemed ridiculous, but my kids were ridiculous. I wouldn’t put it past Eve to hear every word of the conversation and hold it against me for the rest of forever.

When I stopped walking, I couldn’t find any of the words I’d wanted to say. I opened my mouth just to close it again too many times to count. Finally he’d had enough.

“What?” His arms were folded across his chest and he looked at me with so many emotions- not a single one something a child should feel about their parent.

I continued to search for the words, but still came up short. He spoke before me, sarcasm coating every single word. “You didn’t like my Judgement? Geez, my bad. Maybe next time don’t put a kid in charge.”

My eyebrow twitched and I had to swallow the chuckle I could feel rising. This boy was undoubtedly mine. And he wasn’t done speaking yet, but now the sarcasm had faded and only anger was left. “Or maybe next time don’t threaten my sister!”

That was enough to refocus me on what I really needed to talk to him about. “Lucian, no one can know how you feel about her. You are my son. You will rule this kingdom-”

“NO! I don’t want this stupid kingdom! I don’t want to talk to you! Just leave me alone!” He turned to walk away but I grabbed his elbow earning a death glare from my son.

“Listen to me! No one can know! If they know they will use her against you. They will kill her just to hurt you! Look at how easy it was to make you do something so cruel just because of her! I need you to understand what I am saying.” I didn’t have to fight myself to make my face as dark as the words I spoke. “Lucian, if anyone knows you love Eve, it will be the end of you both.” This was more than any child should ever have to endure. It didn’t matter that he seemed to be mentally five times his actual age. It just wasn’t fair. I knew it, and based on the look he gave me, he knew it.

He didn’t say anything back, though. “Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? I am not saying you can’t love her. I’m saying that if you do love her, then the best way to show that love is never let anyone know.”

He stared into my eyes, unblinking, deep in thought. Finally, he nodded slowly, but not in agreement. His icy words sliced through my skin, finding their mark deep in the depths of my heart. “You can’t tell me how to love anyone, when you love no one.” He yanked his elbow from my hand and stalked off to find his baby sister again.

I stood with my mouth agape in the hallway. I’d never felt such pain as when I was told off by my four year old son.

My words must have sunk in to some extent, though. From then on out he continued to be the best big brother he knew how to be, but a large part of that was grooming Eve for the vicious world in which they were bound.

They played together within our home and he made sure to keep Eve a far distance away from me whenever possible. But in public, while he did keep her close and he didn’t do a great job of showing his feelings, he was excellent and thorough at showing her how to survive.

And Eve thought the world of her big brother. If he said ‘jump’ she said ‘how high? If he said ‘punish the bastard,’ she’d say ‘which one?’ 

I was envious of the relationship to an extent. Perhaps my young son was a better parent than I. Perhaps he had found the loophole to this extenuating circumstance that my adult brain failed to see. 

It hurt to think I’d never share in the bond they felt, but I took comfort knowing that they had each other.

***

These freaking kids. Let me tell you. Gods knew I loved them. But sometimes... sometimes... they made it difficult. Lucian had been so alone before his sister, but now that he had something worth living for, he found every single spark within himself that I worried would never come. 

It had taken Lucian four years to pony up to giving a Judgment. It only took Eve two. But she had Lucian guiding her and he was apparently far better at coaching evil in the name of survival than I was. Over those years I’d found that Lucian was in fact a better parent than I was. And he was only six. What the f**k.

One thing I did learn early on about my daughter was that she was a monster when she was hungry. The kind of monster that would fit in well with the rest in the realm. My whole household, son included, was on edge when the little beast was hungry. For too many months prior to her first Judgement King Charming hadn’t sent a supply drop. 

While murder, starvation, and general illness killed off so many living within the realm, the beasts reproduced faster than they died. And many of the beasts only took a few months to a year to fully mature. It was... a problem. Especially when the food supply was already so low. There wasn’t even enough meat left on the bones of our inhabitants to make a decent meal. 

So on that fateful day, the day of Eve's first Judgement, Lucian sat with his arm protectively draped over her small shoulders. But he wasn’t protecting her. He was protecting virtually everyone else. Lucian was the only one she hadn’t ever tried to take a bite of. She was ravenous and he knew it. 

The man on the pedestal had captured a child and been holding her hostage for months. When I heard of the crime I hadn’t wanted either of my children anywhere near the man. But Hades pointed out having children dish out his punishment would be symbolic- not to mention dramatic as f**k. And I was a sucker for drama.

I read out the charges. Both of my children’s eyes glowed brightly upon hearing the disgusting acts of this creature. I turned to Eve and asked, “What is your Judgement?” 

She flashed her teeth at me, but instead of giving a Judgement, she looked at her big brother and said, “I’m hungry.” 

His mouth quirked into a vicious smile that was entirely too similar to my own. “Then what is your Judgement, Eve?”

“Food!” She wasn’t nearly as verbal as her brother had been at this age, but she was every bit as smart and aware. She knew exactly what she was saying. Her tiny mouth curled into a wicked grin as she licked her lips. 

I opened my mouth to speak but, per usual, Lucian beat me to it. “My sister made her Judgement. The man’s punishment is becoming her dinner.” Eve bounced in her seat, clapping her hands together. Something about her jovial demeanor was far more wicked than anything I’d ever done at the Judgements. The kid was a natural.

Even Hades had raised an interested brow. It wasn't an approving brow, but it was a far cry from his usual murderous stare he held the girl under. 

At that moment, I wasn’t sure if I should be terrified or impressed by my daughter, so I settled for both as I watched her lick her lips. When the guards went to slaughter the man and Eve cried out in protest, my mood switched to both disappointed and relieved. But then she explained in broken english to her brother that she was hungry now. I became queasy. We all did. 

Lucian tried to reason with her, but she was ready to bring a whole new meaning to the ‘terrible twos.’ When the man was brought close enough, the guards switched out for Braxis and Galen. They were still the only ones besides Hades that Lucian would even tolerate coming close to her. 

The High Fae guards, who personally worked in gore like any other artist would their own medium, had to look away as she began gnawing on the man’s raw leg. He thrashed against her small mouth, but one stern look from her glowing eyes and the guards secured their hold on him, fearful she’d turn on them for her afternoon snack. Galen had to switch out with Hades when she furrowed her small brow and demanded ‘down!’ insisting the screaming man be laid upon the ground so she could feast on his meatier thighs and back. It was disgusting. 

There was a chorus of dry and wet heaves from the crowd. There were also a few thuds of people fainting. There were also plenty of people that whooped and cheered, especially when she found the liver and decided she was a fan. The noises didn’t distract her for even a moment. She was on a mission and couldn’t be bothered by other people’s reactions. 

When her tiny tummy was filled she looked up with a satisfied smile and heavy eyelids. Blood coated her from head to toe. There were chunks of flesh in her hair. Sticky red hand prints trailed behind as she crawled back to a very indifferent Lucian. She brought a small fist to rub her sleepy face, smearing even more evidence of violence across her eyes and nose.

He didn’t hesitate to scoop her from the ground, effectively coating himself in crimson, as well. “Did you get enough to eat, sis?” He chuckled. The pair looked straight out of my nightmares' nightmares. 

“All done!” She stuck a bloody thumb in her mouth and leaned her head on her brother’s shoulder, ready for her afternoon nap. 

Monsters. I’d created literal monsters. The kind of monsters that monsters feared. I swallowed my own vomit, reminding myself I’d planned for this. I’d hoped for this. But still, to see it was unnerving. Lucian was only six. Eve was still a toddler. They’d made my people sick to their stomachs. I hadn’t even done that. f**k. These kids are good at being bad. 

Lucian, like any resourceful ruler, looked to Galen and entirely too calmly said, “Save the rest of that, will you? She’ll need to eat again in a few hours.” Oh yes, that boy was an infinitely better parent than I, and absolutely more terrifying.