Did I want marriage? Yes. Did I want marriage to someone in a wheelchair, no matter how powerful he was otherwise? Or did I want a marriage in which my husband and I would hike together, scale peaks, challenge each other to new feats of mountaineering achievement?
Margot’s question haunted me. What was the point of claiming forty-eight New Hampshire peaks? Was it really just because Neil had wanted to do it? What would that particular achievement do for me? Would it bring Neil back? Would it somehow make me worthy of Neil?
Okay, that last one stung. And maybe that was the problem. Something in me was convinced I’d never be worthy of Neil. And the fact that he was dead meant any progress in that direction was hopeless, because he was now a ghost. You can’t be worthy of a ghost.
Fuck it.
