Unlovable but Unbroken

Meet Jax

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER DEPICTS SCENES OF s****l ASSAULT. SOME PARTS MAY BE TRIGGERING. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS SUFFERED AN ASSAULT, NEVER HESITATE TO REACH OUT TO SOMEONE! YOU ARE LOVED AND CAN GET HELP!

It was sophomore year and Sara and I were having our usual adventure before musical theatre and there was a group of upperclassmen in our usual spot where we would sit. At first, we were going to just walk to a different part of the park but he flashed an amazing smile and his icy blue eyes bored into me with an intensity that almost made me uncomfortable.

He ushered us over and offered us to sit and chat with them. He was charming and so funny and the first person to not look at me and only see the disappointment that my sister and my family saw. It also helped that he looked like a living breathing god! He was 6’2 with broad shoulders and icy blue eyes that complimented his chiseled jaw line. Although the v –neck he was wearing was a little loose, it did nothing to cover up the muscles that bulged from the sleeves and I could still see the outline of a very defined 6 pack.

We connected instantly and even though he was two years older than me we ended up dating. Jax became my world.

At first it was great! We would do everything together. He would go to all my performances; he and his friends would sit with Sara and I at lunch. He made me feel beautiful, seen, and happy. When he graduated things took a turn.

He would show up randomly at the school and make sure I was not talking to or hanging out with anyone he did not approve of. He would tell me not to go to parties with Sara and just stay in with him. He would even tell me not to go and see my family, and said it was because he was worried that they would just make me feel bad.

It got to a point where he isolated me completely from everyone and he was all I had. Sara would try to talk to me and tell me that he was seeming abusive and that I should leave while I could and she would help me. I just chalked it up to the fact that he loved me. Sara and I ended up having a falling out because she would not listen to me when I told her everything was fine.

-Flash back-

On the night of his 19th birthday, we were at a bonfire for all the wolves that were coming of age. We were going to celebrate and then, when the moon was at its highest, they would all shift. It was tradition. I got up to get a drink and from behind me I heard “Hey Booty Shorts!” It was Ian, one of my sister’s old friends. Sadly, the nickname stuck even after they all graduated. I turned around and walked over to him and gave him a hug. “How have you been, kid?” he asked.

We got to talking and catching up like old friends, when we were drawn from our conversation by a menacing growl. I looked away from Ian and in that split second Jax was standing in front of me, and Ian was on the ground with blood gushing from his newly broken nose. “What the hell man,” said Ian. “Stay away from her, she’s mine!” Jax growled. I had never seen him so angry.

At this point, he was more beast than man and I could see him struggling to reign in his wolf. He grabbed my arm and started dragging me away from the party. “Jax, please, you’re hurting me” I pleaded with him to let me go, we got to a small clearing in the woods away from the party and he finally let me go. My relief was short lived when he slammed my back into the hard trunk of a tree. I hit my head so hard that black spots blurred my vision.

“Jax! What is wrong, why are you acting like this?” He did not answer me, he just stared at me with his eyes that were flashing from blue to black as he struggled for control. In an instant he had his body pressed against mine, holding me against the tree. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply. I felt the hard lump in his pants harden more and twitch against my belly. He stayed there still for a moment and I dared to look up at him and as soon as I did, he crashed his lips into mine with and hungry and demanding kiss.

This did not bother me, we were dating, we had kissed so many times before. His hands trailed my stomach and one made its way up to cup my breast. It was aggressive and domineering. I did not know what had gotten into him. I started to panic when his other hand fumbled with the button on my shorts. He knew I did not want to have s*x and had never pushed me. He knew about all the trauma I still had from being sexually assaulted as a child and that I still had nightmares about it. He knew I wanted to save myself for my chosen mate. So, why was he doing this?

“Jax, please, no... you know I’m not ready,” “Oh come on, it’s just a little fun” he said with a sickening smirk, “You can think of it as my birthday present from you” I struggled to push him from me, to gain some kind of upper hand. This cannot be happening, not like this, I thought to myself. I was praying that someone would see us, someone would hear us. But we had wandered too far from the party. Just then his hand that had been fumbling with my button dove into my pants and past my underwear. He rubbed his thumb roughly on my sensitive nub and it hurt. I stood frozen trying to figure out what I was going to do, praying to the moon goddess that this was not going to happen, praying that she could help me in any way. Just as I closed my eyes and tried to retreat into my mind where I would not have to be present for this, I heard “Get the f**k off her! She said no!”

That voice! My eyes shot open and I saw Sara standing there. I blinked the tears away that threatened to spill. She stood with a menacing glare a few feet behind him and said “I won’t ask again, or do I need to get the alpha to deal with this?” I let out a breath of relief and looked at Jax, his eyes were back to their crystal blue and he was breathing heavily. As the tears that I had been holding back now flowed freely, I could only muster a weak “Why?” He looked down at the inch of space between us with both of his hands on the sides of my head, breathing heavily for a few moments as if he was trying to figure out what to say.

He looked back up and punched the tree next to my head, making it splinter with a sickening crack. “You’re my mate!” he said “Mine! And I can do with you as I please!” I just stood there with my mouth agape and looked back and forth between him and Sara. “Can you give us a moment Sara?” I asked breathlessly. “What? And leave you with this ass hole?” she scoffed. “It’s fine, I'll be okay, he won’t hurt me.” “Seriously...?” When I didn’t answer her, she rolled her eyes and turned on her heel and walked away.

I looked at Jax and tried to steady my breathing as I thought of what to say, I had so many questions. “When did you find out?” I asked. “This morning when we had breakfast in the packhouse” He replied. “But... why didn’t you say anything? Why don’t I feel anything?” “I wanted it to be a surprise, and you won’t be able to feel anything because you’re only 17, you won’t be able to sense and feel the mate bond until you’re 18 and gain your wolf.”

I knew this was not the case, everyone I have known that has mated with someone they are always around has told me they sensed it before they were 18, before they gained their wolf. They said they could feel the pull of the mate bond and the sparks, although it was very faint, they felt something. Or did they? Maybe they were wrong. He would not lie about the gift of the goddess; he had no reason to. I looked up at him staring at me expectantly and smiled.

When I looked in his eyes, I could see a hint of sadness and something else I could not pinpoint... panic? “I’m sorry I didn’t know, let's go home and we can talk some more when you’ve sobered up a little bit” I told him cautiously as I ran my fingers gently down his arm. He gave me a small half smirk and planted a small gentle kiss on my lips “Let’s go home baby” he said and with that we started on the trail back to the packhouse.

-End flashback-

Things from that night on just got worse. He became very possessive and obsessive. I was not able to go anywhere without him, or do anything without him. I was back to being isolated with just him, he did not even like me speaking to my family. Most of my days were spent in his room in the packhouse, I did not attend pack events or parties. I lived and breathed Jax.

Sara and I had not really been close since that night. She thought I was being stupid allowing him to treat me this way and said that these were signs of abuse. He has never hit me, the only times he has ever been violent were when I did something wrong and he would punch the wall or the door near my head. But I deserved that, I had messed up and should be more careful. He was just possessive and protective because he was my mate. Right?

All wolves were possessive. That is part of the reason we mark each other, so everyone can see who we belong to. Once I am 18 and gain my wolf and we can mark and mate each other things will be better. Right? I still don’t feel any pull of the mate bond or any sparks, but that is just because I don’t have my wolf yet. Right?

I am almost 18 now and my birthday is in two weeks. We still have not mated and I told him that it was because I want our first time to be special and want us to be able to mark each other the same night. He seemed to accept this. I did not want to tell him that it was because I was worried that he was not actually my mate. I did not want to tell him that I still have nightmares of all that I had endured as a child. I did not want to tell him that I did not feel worthy of having a mate and sharing something so special with someone because every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was a fat, ugly, short, geeky girl who was not worth any one’s time, not even my family’s time.

I tried to go to therapy to talk through some of my issues but Jax was not happy with that, he said I could talk to him if I needed to talk. But how do I tell him that I can’t talk to him about some things? How do I tell him that I am too damaged to put all that burden on someone else? I don’t even have any friends that I can talk to, and my family just doesn’t care. I feel so alone.

I am pulled from my thoughts when I hear my alarm go off, I set it to make sure I can get back to the packhouse before Jax wakes up to take me to school, so he does not know I went anywhere without him. The last thing I wanted to do was make him angry.

I sprint back to the pack house and am able to sneak back into his room before he stirs. I slid into the bathroom and pretended like I was in there the whole time getting ready. “Good morning, babe” Jax says as he slinks his arms around my waste from behind as I finish brushing my teeth. “Ready for school?” He asks with a sleepy smile that could drop any girls panties. He really was a god and truth be told even if he was not my mate. I was lucky for him to even notice me. A fact he often reminded me of when he would get angry.

He would always tell me he could have any girl he wanted and I was lucky that he even looked my way, and I should thank the moon goddess for mating me with him, which I did often. “Ready babe” I said as I smiled and planted a chaste kiss on his lips.

It is my senior year and truth be told I was an outcast. I spent most of my time alone when I was not in class so no one ever noticed me at school, but at least I could be alone and not be smothered. Still, even with it being one of my only forms of freedom, I could not wait to be out of school.