Negative Positives

7: I Need Help

Elise

Tuesday, February 6th, 2024

6 weeks and 2 days gestation

Kate is far more amazing than I've given her credit for. True to her word, there is chocolate cake. Not just any chocolate cake. Homemade, rich, raspberry-layered chocolate cake with gooey chocolate ganash and tiny star-shaped sprinkles. It's magical.

"You made this?!" I mumble around a mouthful. Kate winks.

"Don't tell Pete. It was his birthday cake." I look up in shock and Kate barks out a laugh. "Relax! I saved him the last piece."

I can't feel guilty a moment longer, this cake is too delicious to allow negative thoughts to intrude.

But after it's finished, the plate scraped clean, reality settles back onto my shoulders.

"I'm leaving James." I blurt out. It's the first time I've said it out loud and it's suddenly far more real. I thought it would be a hard decision, but now that I've admitted it, I feel relieved.

Kate gapes at me for a second, then quickly sets Harley up with pencils and paper at the coffee table to keep him occupied before she sits directly beside me and squeezes my hands.

"Tell me everything."

I don't immediately tell Kate that I'm pregnant. I examine my entire marriage to James and come to startling revelations as I speak. Being honest with myself is a huge eye opener, and I felt lighter and lighter the more I speak.

I had never felt like I had a say in anything in our marriage. James made all the decisions, organised everything, had our whole lives planned out. I'd gone along with it all because I hated making decisions and the picture he painted of our future wasn't awful.

With James, I'd felt secure, looked after... almost like a child.

When we went out for dinner —which wasn't often— he'd tell me what to wear and what to eat and whether or not I could have a second glass of wine or order dessert. He gave me a grocery list every week and the money for it, without much to spare. He was the one who paid all the bills, organised insurance, set money aside for savings, decided what to do at Christmas time, and which of my family members were worthy of a Christmas present.

It was James who bought me a car, even though I didn't want a Tesla, I wanted a Jeep. I had barely chosen anything in our whole marriage.

Then there was the constant blame and criticism that made me feel inferior and pathetic in the light of his greatness, his perfection.

He was even a selfish lover.

Kate nods and supports diligently, not giving any opinion but just letting me find my own conclusions.

When I finally stop talking, Kate hugs me and asks, "So did you guys have a fight? I mean, I understand all of that perfectly but what triggered this decision?"

"I'm pregnant. He told me to deal with it." I say, my chest constricting. Kate gasps.

"Deal?"

"No. He said 'sort it out. It's not happening.' At one point he actually said to get an abor-" I choke on the word as sobs burst from my chest. I try to quiet myself, glancing over at Harley. I don't want to upset him.

Kate stands and moves to give me another hug, but her hands are trembling with barely suppressed rage. Her face is red and she's muttering swear words.

Then I feel tiny hands grab mine and before I know it, Harley is climbing into my lap. He wraps his little arms around my waist and squeezes without saying a word.

That moment right there, that expression of unconditional love, that's what seals it.

I'm a mother.