Lead Me To You

Kabanata XXI

Monica

Suffocate

I was left alone in this room filled with books that I couldn't even find the answers to my own problems. I failed with my plan.

"Francis, you asshole. You will regret this..." I cried.

I shrugged the jacket he placed on my shoulders. If this jacket has feelings, it might have cursed me right now.

"Let her be alone for a moment," I heard him speak at the back of the door. He might have been talking with my cousin.

"Is she okay? What did she tell you?" Matteo asked him.

"She's fine. She just told me something unimportant."

Unimportant?

My life is at stake! And did he just think that what I begged of him a while ago doesn't matter?

Hindi niya talaga ako naiintindihan. I tried to explain. I tried to convince him and believe in me but he was just hard as a rock. Don't I really have that same effect on him as before? Just one "please" or "I want it", I can get whatever the hell that I want.

"You are just making things up, Monica. Hindi na ako maniniwala sa pagmamakaawa mo. I'm doing this for your own good."

"You're just making it harder for me. Hindi ako lalapit sayo ng ganito kung hindi ko kailangan. I swear, my husband-"

He cuts me off.

"Your husband can't put you in harm. He doesn't have an ulterior motive on why he's doing that. You are his wife. And he has every right to have you the way that he wanted!"

I told him everything. I told him the real reason why I wanted the company back. This is my only chance and my only survival to my freedom. Ang palugit na mga panahon ay nalalapit nang matapos. Paris is here and I do not know kung ako ba ang pinunta niya dito. I still have three months left before the deadline.

And now, Francis is telling me to just give it up? My father always tells me never to let any man control me. I am a woman with my own decisions and choices. And no man can dictate how I should act and choose.

"What?" Is he serious?

"Stop this nonsense. Stop overthinking. If you just let your pride down, it can't be difficult to all of us."

Then he left. Half slamming the door behind me.

I just couldn't forget how I got treated when I needed help the most. He's the only person that I know that can help me but he just smoothly rejected me.

Lumabas ako ng library na talunan. Nakaabang ang aking pinsan at nangangamba ang pagmumukha. Habang pabalik ako sa aking kwarto ay abot ang sermon sa akin ni Matteo.

"Halika na, Monica. Bumalik na tayo ng Manila. Hinahanap ka na ng asawa mo. Kanina pa niya ako kinukulit. Please..." Sambit nito.

As if I have a choice to stay and hide.

As everyone wanted, I gave up.

Pinababa na ako ni Matteo sa lobby habang ang aking mga gamit ay binababa na ng mga katulong. Hinintay ko si Matteo bago ako pumasok sa kanyang sasakyan.

He slammed the door of his car and sighed deeply while holding the wheel.

"I hate to do this, my cousin. Ayoko na pinipilit kita sa bagay na alam kong hindi mo naman gustong gawin. My heart is breaking into pieces while seeing you miserable. But we just got no choice. And we really have to do this."

I got teary-eyed while listening to his speech. He's f*****g right. I just got no choice. I have no escape in this situation. And it f*****g hurts that I can't do anything for myself.

My stuff is all put through and we hit the road as soon as the time hits two-thirty in the afternoon. While we were moving, I just can't control my tears from falling. Is this gonna be my end? Kapag naiisip ko iyon ay naaawa na lamang ako sa aking sarili.

Nauna na si Francis sa Maynila at tumawag ito kay Matteo habang nagmamaneho ito. Malapit na din kami at abot na ang kaba sa aking dibdib.

"Yeah, probably. May bahay naman yun sa Forbes Park kaya doon ko na idedetso si Monica." Pagsasatinig ni Matteo.

Ngayon ko lang nalaman na may bahay palang pagaari si Paris sa Makati at sa Forbes Park pa. Kung saan karamihan sa mga expats, diplomats, businessmen at ang mga mayayamang pamilya ang nakatira doon. Hindi na rin naman nakakapagtaka dahil afford naman talaga nito.

At doon nga ako dinala ni Matteo. Naharang lang kami sa entrance dahil sinuri pa ng mga guards ang aming sasakyan at lisensya. Bilang unang pagkakataon na makakapasok kami sa prestihiyosong subdibisyon, mahigpit talaga ang siguridad ng mga ito. Itinigil ni Matteo ang sasaksyan sa tapat ng malaking mansyon. Agad nagbukas ang gate at pinasok naman nito ang kanyang sasakyan.

Napakalaki ng bahay na ito. Malawak ang parking nga mga sasakyan at kahit ang lobby bago ka makapasok sa loob ay napakalawak rin. Naghihintay na sa tapat ng pintuan ang aking kinikilalang asawa ngunit hindi ko magawang pagsidlan ng tuwa nang makita ko siya. Nalungkot ako at parang gusto ko na lamang maiyak dahil naaawa na naman ako sa aking sarili.

"We're here, Monica." I heard him sigh twice.

"Wipe your tears. Dry your eyes. I know that this isn't the life that you wanted. But at least pretend that you're happy to see your husband."

Sinunod ko ang gusto niya. Kahit nanginginig ang aking mga kamay ay pinilit kong pahirin ang aking mga luha. Pinilit kong pigilan ang pagpatak nang mga ito.

"The moment you step out of this car, show him your smile. Even if it hurts and makes you tremble, show him the smile."

Kinalag niya ang aking seatbelt at mahigpit na hinawakan ang aking mga kamay. Alam niya ang aking kalagayan. Alam niya ang aking totoong relasyon kay Paris at kung paano ito nagsimula. Alam niya kung ano ang aking nararamdaman. Kahit isang tao lang ang may alam, kahit isang tao lang ang makaintindi.

Dahan-dahan ang aking mga kilos kahit sa paglabas ko sa sasakyan. Napadako agad ang aking tingin sa direksyon ni Paris at nakangiti itong nakatayo sa taas ng hagdan papasok sa main door ng mansyon. Pinilit kong ikurba ang aking labi kahit nanginginig ito. Ipinakita ko ang aking pilit na ngiti upang hindi siya magisip ng kung ano.

"Amore! It's nice to see you again!" Paris gave me a peck on both cheeks before he hugged me.

Wala na akong nagawa nang kusa nang gumalaw ang aking mga kamay upang suklian ang yakap sa akin ng aking asawa. Tinago ko ang aking ngiti sa likod nito at saka lamang nilabas nang magkaharap na kaming muli.

"Come è stato il tuo volo?" I am asking about his travel. Italy is a very far country from the Philippines. It will take you at least thirteen hours on air before you land at Manila Airport.

"È stato bello. Un po' stancante ma tutto svanisce quando ti ho visto." He said that the flight was tiring.

"Come inside our home, amore. We have a lot to catch up on." He invited me.

"You bought a house?" This huge house?

Why did he buy a house here? Is he planning to stay here? Well, he is one of the board of directors at the company. He might be required to visit more often.

"Yes, amore. This is yours. Your lawyer cousin told me that you are living in a confined apartment. I thought that it might be uncomfortable for you since you are used to living in a big house. So I bought it."

Confined? He's too much to describe my condo unit. It's not that spacious but it can accommodate four people in total.

"Confined... really?" I turned to my cousin and he shook his head immediately to disagree.

"Don't you like the house, amore? I made several reservations with other real estate brokers just in case you didn't like this house. We can always get a second one."

"No, Paris, no-" I laughed a little, "-I mean, this house is fine. You don't need to get a second one. I like it." I know that he's capable of owning a small village. But I would not let him.

"Okay-" he called the secretary that is standing beside him all the time, "-call those brokers and cancel the contract. But make sure to tip them well." He whispered but was able for me to hear.

I just rolled my eyes. Does he really need to do that?

Paris leads the way going inside the mansion. He makes sure to support me every time we walk by holding my hand and guiding me. I was amazed by the space and design of the interior. It replicates Italian elegance and modern Japanese interior design. I didn't know that the two completely different styles can be put together and make an impressive result. It's refreshing and very pleasing to the eyes.

"I personally dedicate the design of this home to you, amore. I remember that you once told me that you fancy the modern Japanese interior. So I added it up to the traditional design we used to grow up with. And it turned out pretty well." He walked me beside him all the time while touring me in the house.

I am very impressed by the interior. It is my first time seeing something like this.

"You can leave us alone for now. I'll call you if we need anything." I heard him talking to his secretary.

We are on the second floor of the house and the floor is primarily unoccupied rooms. Hindi pa namin nalilibot lahat.

Nang kami na lamang ang naiwan ay nagbukas siya ng isa pang pinto malapit sa akin.

"And this is your room," he said.

Agad akong napatingin sa kanya nang sabihin niya iyon. Does it mean that we will have a separate room?

"My room?" I asked. I wanted to confirm that I heard it right.

"Yeah, I know that you're still uncomfortable around me. A separate room can help. Just for the time being. I hope that you still remember our agreement, though."

Of course. I will not forget that. That's why I am here. That's the reason why I keep on insisting Francis transfer the share to my name. That's the main reason why I wanted the Carluccio's back.

"Don't worry, my room is just beside yours." He pointed to the next door.

We entered my room and I was surprised that it almost got filled with paper bags on the floor.

"What are those?" I asked.

"I did a little shopping while waiting for you. I know that you haven't been spending the money I gave you every month and I don't know why. So I did spend on your behalf." Paris said.

Sa dami nang perang pinapasok nya sa aking bank accounts ay hindi ko na malaman kung saan ko ba gagastusin ang mga iyon. I don't need to spend that much dahil meron na ako nang mga bagay na kailangan ko. I did spend some of it, but only on small things like going out for coffee, purchasing online items that I don't even need but I find them cute, foods that I crave for some other days. And the latest was the speeding ticket and illegal parking fine before my accident.

I don't like to talk much in front of him so I just smiled.

"Thank you, Paris. I'll find some time to use all of these." I sarcastically stated.

"Amore, I didn't buy all of them for you to use. You can just put some of them in your closet to stare at or brag about them on social media. I don't want you to stress out about finding time to use it." He closed the gap between us and held my cheeks, "you're too pretty to be stressed."

I can't move. I am too uncomfortable in our position.

"Uhh- thanks..." that's all I can say.

I clenched my jaw to hide how I feel. I don't want to hurt him by being uncomfortable around him.

"I'll meet you downstairs at dinner. I'll have the maid call you when it's time to eat. You can rest for now. I know that you are tired from the travel." He finally let go of me and distanced himself for a short length.

"You should rest too. It must be exhausting to sit in the plane for almost thirteen hours." I know that he's tired too because I can see that on his face. He can't hide the feelings in his eyes.

"I know. I wanted to spend time with you but we're just too tired at the moment. I'll see you later." He said before kissing my forehead.

He smiled and moved backwards. He walked towards the next door and waved at me. I waited for him to enter his room before I sighed. Hinilot ko ang aking pisngi dahil nangawit ito kakangiti. I can't pretend for too long.

Pumasok na ako sa aking kwarto at tinitigan ang mga paperbags sa gilid ng aking malaking kama. All of them are designer brands, mostly Hermes. Sinilip ko ang isang paperbag and I know that it is a birkin bag. The other paper bag was from Fendi, and by the looks of it, it might be a pair of stilts that I used to dream of. He knows what my favourites are.

Mamaya ko na lang isa-isahin ang mga iyon at ang tanging iniisip ko na lamang ngayon ay ang magpahinga. Hinihila na ng kama ang aking katawan. Siniguro ko muna na malinis ang aking katawan at sarado ang lahat ng bintana. Gusto ko na madilim ang buong kwarto upang sulit naman ang aking pahinga. Nang matapos ko na ang lahat ng routine ay tuluyan na akong humiga. Ilang minute pa lang ay alam ko nang tulog na ako.

I heard the knock on my door but I just ignored it. I'm still sleepy and far from waking soon. I turned to my other side and hugged my pillow and I already felt the cold sheets that lingers on my skin. The best feeling in the whole world. I felt that someone entered and walked towards my direction. The person opened the lights and it immediately drew onto my face. I frowned and growled my annoyance.

"Signora, it's time for dinner." I heard a lady say.

I'm too comfortable in my bed right now and my eyes won't even open.

"I'm just gonna pass. I don't want to wake up." I whispered huskily.

"Signor Marchetti is already waiting at the dining table. He specifically told me to wake you up for dinner."

Oh s**t, I totally forgot.

Nasa ibang bahay na nga pala ako at iyon ang rason na nakapagpabalik sa aking ulirat. Bumangon ako ngunit hindi pa rin umaalis sa aking kama. Nakapikit pa rin ang aking mga mata at tamad pang kumilos. Anong oras na ba? Baka naman pwedeng palipasin ko na lang ang gabing ito.

"Let's get you dressed, Signora." Hinila niya ang aking comforter na nakabalot pa rin sa aking katawan. Sunod ay hinila niya ang aking braso papasok sa aking walk-in closet.

Para akong manika na inaayusan ng isang bata. Kinakausap ngunit hindi naman sumasagot. Maingat pa nitong sinusuklay ang maitim kong buhok habang ako'y nakatulala lamang sa harap ng salamin. Nilagyan niya lamang ng kulay ang aking pisngi at labi upang magmukha naman akong buhay.

Must I really do this?

I feel like I am inside a doll house played by a kid.

If Barbie had a feeling, she must have felt suffocating.

"Signor said that you must wear this for dinner," the lady said.

Tiningnan ko ang dress na sa hawak nito.

"Why would I need to wear something that has been said by a man?" I asked her.

She panicked. Can't look me in the face.

"I just follow the order, signora. This is what the signor ordered."

"So I should obey that?" Should I?

"I don't know the answer to that, signora. Do you have an outfit in mind that you wanted to wear tonight?"

"I have none..."

And that's the problem. I didn't plan this.

And why should I wear something fancy inside the house? Wala naman na akong ibang gagawin pa kindi ang magpahinga at matulog. Hindi na rin naman ako lalabas ng bahay pa. A sleepwear should do it.

"I'll just wear this," I said and stood up. I referred to the pambahay daster I wear right now.

Lumabas na ako ng kwarto habang hinahabol ako ng maid sa aking likod. I just put a robe on top of it para naman magmukhang disente pa rin dahil hindi ako nagsuot ng bra.

"Signora-"

"Good evening, amore-"

Paris seemed shocked the moment he saw me. I just smiled and continue walking until I sit down to my assigned seat at the dining table.

"What are you wearing?" He asked.

This must be the first time he saw me like this. It is embarrassing but I just didn't care.

"Oh, this was the one I'd worn when I fell asleep. I just don't want to change anything because it is so comfortable." I just said.

"Oh okay, if you're comfortable with that. It's okay. Wear anything you want." He said.

Napangiti na lamang ako. Bakit ko naman susundin ang gusto mo? At nasa bahay lang naman para magsuot pa ng magarbo. You should not command me on anything that I should and should not wear. I can wear whatever I want. I dress for myself, not to anyone.

Nagpatuloy kami sa pagkain at kagaya ng nakagawian at kinalakihan namin sa Italya, tahimik lamang kami sa hapagkainan. Saka lamang kami nagkwentuhan nang tapos na kami kumain. Nagpahanda naman siya ng wine at snacks matapos ang aming course meals. Hindi talaga mawawala ang wine sa hapagkainan ng mga Italiano.

"So I heard that you have a job in Carluccio's? There will be a shareholders' meeting tomorrow. Will you be there?"

I am f****d. I don't know how to answer that. Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin na sekretarya lamang ako sa kumpanya. Ako lamang ang mapapahiya at baka mabuking lamang ang aking tinatagong sikreto sa kanya. Pero ano nga ba ang gagawin ko? Hindi ko napilit si Francis sa gusto ko at bukas na nga pala ang meeting. I need to be there, but not as a secretary or the wife of the shareholder. I need to be in the meeting with something that I can be proud of. I need to be in a position that holds a lot of power.

Wala pa ring pagbabago sa planong ginawa ko. I still can't start because I was too weak and unequipped. At habag naiisip ko iyon at naiiyak na lamang ako. Ang hirap. I'm so stressed about it. I thought that it's gonna be easy when I studied about it. But everything seemed to go against my plan and desire.

And if this continue, I will be doomed, big time. I will not be able to get up once it happens.