Lead Me To You

Kabanata XV

Bothered

I am to blame for whatever is happening to me right now.

If I hadn't involved my emotions, I would've still had the freedom where I will not worry in case I wanted to be myself.

"We're here. What do you want to order?" Si Francis nang mapatapat na kami sa speaker kung saan pwede na siya magorder ng pagkain through drive-thru.

"Any flavour of pizza, as long as it doesn't have pineapple on it."

Who puts pineapple on their pizza? I guess, we just have different tastes for pizza.

Hindi naman siguro ako susundan ni Paris dito sa Pinas, 'diba? So I wouldn't need to worry about his presence near me.

Nagulo na naman ang isipan ko nang magparamdam siya. I suddenly forgot for a short moment that there's Paris in my life. I am married to him and I have to fulfil after this freedom he has given to me.

Nakaorder na si Francis at nagtungo na kami sa parking upang hintayin na lamang ito. Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas at isang lalaking kitcken crew and naghatid nito sa aming direksyon. Francis ordered twelve boxes of large pizza. Is he planning to feed the whole mansion and vineyard staff with those?

"One whole box is for you. The rest will be for the employees." He said.

I guess I'm right.

"Okay. Thank you."

Nilagay na niya muna sa backseat ang mga iyon at nagmaneho na pauwi ng bahay. Pagkarating naman namin sa bahay ay sunod sunod na sasakyan din ang nagdatingan upang ibigay ang sako-sakong mga pagkain na napamili namin sa palengke kanina. Sa bawat driver na dumarating ay kinakamayan niya ang mga ito ngunit hindi makakatakas sa paningin ko ang nakatuping perang papel na sinisipit niya sa kanyang mga kamay upang palihim na ibigay sa mga tao.

Pagkatapos ng mga iyon ay nagsilabasan na ang mga lalaking tauhan upang ipasok na ang mga pinamili sa loob ng kusina. Hinabilin nya rin ang binili niyang pizza sa mga ito at binigay ang isang kahon sa akin.

"Is there anything you like to eat aside pizza? Uutusan ko yung driver para maibili ka ng mga gusto mo." Binigay niya sa driver namin ang susi ng kanyang sasakyan.

I can't think of anything else right now.

"Pizza is enough," ang tangi ko na lamang nasabi.

Sa kwarto ko kinakain ang pizza habang nakabukas ang flat screen TV at nanonood ng movie. Hindi pa rin maalis sa isip ko ang test message na natanggap ko mula Italia. Paris is waiting for me. To fail? So what? So he can control me?

Do I deserve to be a wife? I don't know if I can.

Cazzo!

Hindi na ako nakatiis at bumaba na sa aking kama. Pinatay ang TV at bumaba na papuntang kusina kasama ang isang box ng aking pizza. Hindi ako nagtanghalian at alas sinco na ng hapon ngayon. Hindi na rin mainit ang pizza na kinakain ko ngunit wala na rin naman ako pakialam.

I feel like drinking right now. Nang mapalingon ako sa cupcoard sa taas lamang ng refrigerator ay mas lalo akong natakam. Naalala ko na roon tinatago ni Francis ang kanyang mga wine at alak. Pero nakakalungkot naman kung ako lang magisa ang maguubos ng isang bote.

Don't underestimate me. I've been drinking wine since I was twelve years old. There are many times when I finished the whole bottle myself. I can drink. I just don't want to do it alone.

Umakyat akong muli upang puntahan ang library. Naroon si Francis dahil may trabaho itong inaasikaso roon. Siya lamang naman ang taong kasama ko rito sa malaking mansyon na ito na pwede akong pagbigyan.

I knocked twice before I enter.

"Do you want to drink with me?"

He's wearing a reading glass. Facing his laptop while holding papers in his left hand. He looked at me.

"Monica, it is five o'clock right now. Not a good time to drink." He said.

"I know the time! And drinking alcohol doesn't require a specific time. So are you down?"

Come on. If you want me to stop bothering you, better yet accept my invitation.

"May ginagawa ako. If you want to drink, get some wine in the cupboard. Drink by yourself."

"But I don't want to be alone!"

Alam ko na hindi niya ako matitiis. Pinakita ko sa kanya ang nakakaawa kong mukha para mas makumbinsi ko sya sa nais kong mangyari. And I was right, he stood up and left his table unattended to have a drink with me.

Siya ang kumuha ng alak sa cupboard at binuksan ito. Kumuha ng dalawang baso.

"What brand is this?" Tanong ko patungkol sa whiskey na kanyang kinuha.

"It's a cinnamon whiskey,"

You can add cinnamon in a whiskey?

"Really? From where?"

"It is popular in Canada. Thirty-three percent alcohol, so be mindful of drinking it." He reminded.

I have never heard of a whiskey to have a cinnamon flavour. I wonder what it tastes like.

Francis is pouring the drink on the two glasses right now. When he finished pouring the first glass, I immediately grabbed and drank it straight.

"Monica!" Pagsaway nya sa akin.

At the first taste, you can really savour the sweetness of cinnamon. While it travels down to the throat, you can feel the firey feeling going down to the esophagus. I can really feel the heat and the perfect blast of it. I like this whiskey.

"I was supposed to mix it with ice and orange peel. As I've told you, it has thirty-three percent alcohol volume."

"I don't want it to be mixed with anything. I like it pure and hot."

He poured another shot in my glass so I drank it straight again. I sighed as I put the glass down on the counter.

I wanna back out with this ridiculous marriage. I never realized how suffocating it could be. Having this kind of responsibility and obligation to your partner, no, I can't do this.

I want to call Nonno right now and tell him that I want to divorce Paris. I just can't see myself being married at this age. I want to call him and explain my side. It has only been three months and I want to back down. I really can't do this.

Another shot of whiskey was poured over my glass and I drank it straight again. The heat and the firey feeling lingered behind my throat. Which I like the best.

I hate myself sometimes for being impulsive.

And I hate when I tend to blame myself at the end for the things that I have done.

Malalim na nga siguro ang pagiisip ko nang dalawa na namang magkasunod na baso ang aking nainom. Una kong ininom ang whiskey na nasa aking baso at nang hindi pa ako nakuntento ay inagaw ko sa kanyang kamay ang kanyang baso para inumin ang laman niyon.

I have drank five glasses already and I can see that my vision is becoming blurry. My stomach was growling because of the intensity of the fire that the whiskey has given to my organ.

"Do you have a problem that you wanna talk about?" He asked.

Is it that obvious for him to notice?

"You..." should I tell him?

"Do you still remember how I liked you before?"

"I am going crazy every day that we would meet. That's the reason why I was frequently visiting the factory. Because I always wanted to see you. Because I always missed you."

I put my hand on my cheek, supporting my head. I looked straight into his eyes. Since he's just beside me, I can easily glimpse his meaningful eyes. 

"What if I'm not a Carluccio... or I can still be a Carluccio- it's just that what if you met me differently? Would you also like me?"

I am amazed by the confidence I have right now. Maybe my courage increased even more because of the alcohol.

"What could you not be liking about me? I am pretty. I am smart. I came from a respectable family- not just here in the Philippines but also in Italy and all over Europe. I am a fine lady as they say. I am also rich. Why... why Francis? Why would you not have the same feelings as I have for you?"

He stopped pouring the whiskey into his bottle. Looked at me and shifted on his seat. Now I have his full attention.

"I have always been wanting to say this to you but I just couldn't find the right moment. I have long waited for this moment to happen. Despite everything that has happened, I still like you. I can't really explain but that's just how I feel."

He's not saying any words.

"I went to Italy and got married but all I could think of was you. Paris gave me his full attention but yours is what I always craved for. I want your compliments and admiration just like how you praised me whenever I did well."

Why are his lips so red?

I jumped off the counter seat and leaned my body closer to him. His lips are tempting.

"Do you know how much I love to kiss you?" I sighed.

I grabbed his collar by force and I applied my lips onto his. Finally, I kissed him. I just couldn't take it anymore and he is just so tempting.

Matagal. Matagal ang halik na aking binigay sa kanya. Walang gumagalaw sa aming dalawa. Nakapikit lamang ang aking mga mata at ninanamnam ang lambot ng kanyang labi. I kissed a man before, Paris of course. But it was just a quick peck and I didn't took it seriously. But for Francis, all my feelings and emotions were alive. This is the first time that I like kissing a man. But only for him.

Mukhang wala naman siyang balak ibalik ang aking halik kaya bigo kong hiniwalay ang aking labi sa kanya. Tiningnan ko siya sa kanyang mga mata ngunit nanatiling tuwid lamang ang mga ito. Hindi niya ba nagustuhan ang halik ko?

Binitawan ko ang kanyang damit at huminga ng malalim. Mali nga siguro ang ginawa ko.

I pressed my lips into a thin line and held it. 

"Do you not like it?" Matapang kong tanong.

Kanina pa nga ako hindi iniimikan at nakatingin lamang sa akin.

"I've read it online that men like a woman who does the first move," or have I read it wrong?

I'm sure about the source and I am certain of that context.

When I like a man, I do not want to beat around the bush. I act straightforwardly. I confess with confidence. And I didn't lie.

Pabalik na sana ako sa aking upuan nang hapitin niya ang aking bewang at muling paglapatin ang aming mga labi. This time, he moves. He's leading me to move my lips so I can match the intensity of the kiss he gives me. The kiss became deeper so I embraced his nape and run my hand on his hair. I couldn't think straight at all but the kiss is the only one I wanted to focus on right now.

He grabbed my wait closer to his body so the space that has left in between us would fade. I keep my eyes shut but I felt that he stood up from his chair. He cuts the kiss so I opened my eyes frustratingly.

I can see lust and desire in his eyes right now. It was like a burning sensation I had in my stomach as I drank that whiskey.

He held my hand tightly and dragged me. We hurriedly climbed the stairs and went to the room. No words are needed and we kiss hungrily again. As soon as the door locked, we kissed and walked towards the bed. He's on top of me and kissing me while removing the buttons of my shirt. I am reaching to the hem of his T-shirt but he felt it so he removes his shirt instead. His upper body is bare on top of me.

This is the first time I saw his body. I expect that he has a good build and I was right. He's so ripped.

I reached for his lips again and put my hands on his nape. I don't want to stop kissing him. 

He removes my shirt without breaking our kiss. He then removes my shorts and throws it away somewhere. I am left with my underwear and I could feel his skin that sends shivers down my spine.

God, if this is a dream, let me finish it. 

The way his hands were roaming all over my body can be very addicting. This will be my first that the man have touched me. He touches my face, my neck, my chest, my stomach, my things and my feet. Parang hindi siya makuntento at pinapaulit ulit ang paghaplos sa akin.

I know where this will go. And I'm not gonna stop it because I want it. I want him all over me.

I lost track of time and I don't know how long we have been kissing. We take alternate turns on the bed. I sometimes could be on the top and he will sometimes toss me back under him. He's turning me on everytime he would touch my thigh near my private part. I am gasping for air because of the tickles.

But his touches are not enough for me to be satisfied. There's something in me that is wanting to explode. It bothers me because I couldn't concentrate.

He turn me over again under him. He sat in between my thighs and looked at my private part. He is still clothed down there so I sat up and reached for his belt. I am shaking while I tried to remove his remaining clothing. And when I did, his private part is already saluting in front of me. I got shocked, I never expected him to be this big!

I gasped again for some air to help me calm my nerves.

Hindi pa man ako nakakabawi sa aking pagkabigla ay inalalayan na niya akong pahiga. My thighs were speading widely because he's in between them and he didn't let any minute past to finally touch it. 

"Oh!" I gasped.

I am very aware of the anotomy of my own body and I can feel that he's making circle movements over my c******s. My core is thightening from the way he's touching me down there. I don't know where to hold and I keep arching my back.

"Francis!"

I looked at him only to find that he's amused by my reactions and moans. His eyes were full of lust and desire and I know for sure that he can't be stop now.

He stopped touching me but he positioned himself in between me to insert his shaft on me. I held his shoulders because of the sudden pain I felt as he slowly entering.

"s**t Monica, you're a virgin?" He asked.

I couldn't find any words to say because of the pain.

From the I way I reacted, he will know the answer from his question.

He took it in slowly but is stopping in the middle of my wails. He's making sure that I will feel less pain.

I just nod everytime that he wants to move in. I tried to hide my pain as much as possible and I think that it's just normal so I let him be. When he's finally in, he took slow movements of in and out of his shaft that draws pain and tingling sensation.

After few thrusts, I happened to adjust. It was not painful anymore and his movements are getting faster. All I could feel right now is the tightening of my core and the tingling sensation on my cervix. It's like he's teasing me and I can't control what's inside of me that is wanting to come out.

"Oh!" I moaned everytime I hit the orgasms.

He's getting faster and everytime he would thrust inside, I am heatened. My legs are shaking, my toes are curling and I can't moan anymore. I hit my c****x as soon as he groaned. 

The whole night was long enough for us to have another rounds. We did it on the sofa inside the room, inside the bathroom at the shower and on the bed. My whole body is sore and I am too tired to move. Later on, I felt that my eyelid were getting heavy and I slept.

There are a lot of questions I have constructed as soon as I wake up. First, I am not in my room. Secondly, it is very sudden that I am with a man, sharing the same bed with him. Third, my body was jailed in a man's arms, ours skin are touching and we are both naked underneath this comforter. My phone is not with me so I don't know the time right now.

I removed the limbs that are hugging me and sat up the bed quietly. I am feeling sore down there and it hurts. I remember everything that has happened last night and I am not gonna deny it. It was the most sensitive and memorable night for me. I picked up all my clothes and went to the bathroom naked. 

I took a shower and even filled the tub for me to relax and ease the soreness of my body. This was the longest time of bath I have ever taken.

When I went outside the bathroom, the man was already gone on the bed. I heard the crisping sound at the next door and it was a walk-in closet. Maybe he's there. Well, I have to leave.

I opened the door but there was maid standing in front of me that I barely notice and we crashed. I never realized that she was holding a tray of food and drinks so it spilled on me. I cried in pain as the very hot liquid poured on my arm. They tray was dropped and all the content of that tray was also spilled on the floor.

"Signora!" The maid yelled in shocked.

My arm hurts so much as the pain from the hot liquid is not yet fading away.

"Pasensya na po, signora. Hindi ko po kayo napansin." Pagpapaumanhin ng maid sa akin habang tinutulungan niya akong punasan ang aking braso at damit na namantsahan na ng kape.

"No, it's fine. It's okay. We both didn't noticed each other. It's not your fault."

She keeps wiping my arm with her towel even though it hurts. My arm are turning red.

"What happened here?" I heard Francis' voice behind.

Wait. Francis? Why am I hearing him from my behind?

"Sir kasi po- natapunan ko po ng kape ang braso ni Signora Monica." Matapat na sabi ng maid.

He then grabbed my arm from behind and checked it. My arm became more red and painful.

"Get me the first aid kit. Find someone who can prepare another breakfast for us and clean this mess." He said to the maid and turned to me immediately.

He's still checking my arm as it keeps getting redder. He pinch it slightly that made me twitch for pain. He then dragged me into the bathroom and opened the sink, he placed my burned arm onto the running water.

"Huwag mong tatanggalin iyan diyan hangga't hindi ko sinasabi," sabi nito at umalis sa aking likuran upang lumabas ng kwarto.

Am I in his room?

Is he the man I slept with?

I remember everything but not the faces.

Is he the one I have s*x with last night?

He came back after a minute with the first aid kit on his hands. He turned off the sink and dragged my arm going to the sofa. He opened the box and get the petroleum jelly and a bandage. No one is talking and I am just watching him while he treats my arm. He applied the vaseline evenly on my arm and wrapped it with the bandage.

"Are you okay? Are you still hurt? Is the bandage too tight for you?" He asked.

Hindi pa rin mawala sa isipan ko ang nangyari kagabi. Did I really did that? I can still remember that I made the first move. How brave am I that we went into something deeper.