Can't Hate You

Girls

Sun

I walked in and slammed the door shut. He was sitting on the corner of my bed. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and tried to keep calm.. I tried to not punch him. He stood up and approached me. His wide shoulders and his furrowed eyebrows seemed even more dangerous this time.. but I wasn’t going to be afraid of him.. not now.

“What is your problem?« I asked him with a shaking voice. It was shaking of anger. “Blake!” he answered with his deep voice. I rolled my eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes at me. I f*****g hate it.” he said and I hated that his aggressive appearance turned me on in that moment but I couldn’t get weak. Of course I was still a little scared of him because I didn’t know when he was going to explode and when not.. but I tried to show it off.

“He's your brother. He didn’t say anything bad about you. He even defended you. He had no bad intentions. You’re always so mean and you love pushing people away from you.” I said looking straight into his eyes. I hated that he was so much taller than me because it made everything that I said less serious. “I don't f*****g care. Either you're going to tell me what he was doing here or I'll let him sing like a bird!”.

I couldn't believe him. I could barely recognize him. Has he always been like this or did he change? Did he always hide his real face from me or did something happen that made him act like this? “I already told you. I invited him as a thank you for caring so much about you and me. He didn’t even flirt with me once.” I answered. He shook his head.

“I don’t believe him!” he said and his voice was getting louder again. My jaw dropped. “Why?” I asked totally frustrated. “I know Blake too well. He would never look for me. He knows me!” his voice got louder and louder but I was going to give him a chance. “I saw how worried he was!” I said and he almost lost it. “STOP PROTECTING HIM! I SAW WHAT HE WAS PLANNING IN THE MOMENT I ENTERED AND LOOKED INTO HIS EYES! HE WASN’T CARRYING YOU JUST FOR FUN!” I kept looking at him eyes wide open. One side of me knew that he knew his brother way better than me and that he had a reason to say this all but the other side of me didn’t want to believe it because he didn’t seem like that.. “SO?”

His jaw dropped.. “SO?! SO IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OKAY FOR YOU TO HOOK UP WITH MY BROTHER?”. That was too much. I couldn’t believe my ears. I really wanted to slap him. What did he think I was? I almost laughed because I lost my mind. “I DIDN’T EVEN WASTE ONE THOUGHT OF THIS KIND ABOUT HIM! DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO THIS WITH YOUR BROTHER? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT I’M THIS KIND OF GIRL?” I screamed and pushed him away, feeling how the tears in my eyes were burning..

He ran his hand through his hair a little roughly and kept breathing heavily. “That’s not what I wanted to say and you know that... I trust you but I don’t trust him. ” he said and seemed like he calmed down a little.. I hoped so because I couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much for me.

But then he looked down at me. “What-.. what the f**k are you wearing?” he asked me looking very pissed. I looked down at myself. “You should dress like that only for me..” he said with a very deep and rough voice. I looked away because otherwise I was really going to punch him. “I’m not your object..” I said and tried to hold my tears back again as much as I could..

He started walking back and forth in the room..

“I don't want to see you and Blake together ever again.” he wasn’t even listening to me. Honestly I had enough of people telling me who I should meet or not. At least he wasn’t screaming anymore because I really couldn’t take it. I wanted it to be over. I wanted him to be soft and caring again.. instead of aggressive, mean, controlling and dangerous.

“You’re getting all of this wrong..” I said with my raw voice that got a little more quiet with every second. He rubbed his chin and approached me again. “Sun.. baby.. I know Blake, and he knows me. He knows that I keep disappearing, he also knows exactly that I'm coming back again. He knows very well where I'm going. He’s also not as kind as he seems to be. You have to believe me because I know him well and I don’t feel well when you’re around him..”

I could see how honest he was.. but I didn’t want to believe that Blake knew where he’s been.. I didn’t want to believe that he drove around with me for nothing.. knowing that he was going to come back anyway... but he was right. He knew him well.. and somehow I believed him when he said that he wasn’t who I believed he was. Who he seemed he was.. I felt awful..

“Well.. he may knows where you're going.. but I don't.. so tell me.” I said coming back to the actual matter. He was just trying to distract me from it. He slowly walked backwards.. and something in his face changed.. I couldn’t explain it to myself but I knew that something was wrong.

He didn't answer so I broke the little silence. “Where have you been, huh?” I repeated and crossed my arms in front of my chest. He rubbed his neck.. “Did you rob a bank or why are you so silent?” I asked him laughing a little nervous and strained. Something changed.. the anger faded and something else took its place. That made me suspicious and crazy.. I started to worry again...

I walked towards him and grabbed his arm. I made him look at me. “Why won't you just tell me where you've been?” I asked totally inpatient and annoyed. The fact that he was making such a secret of it made me go crazy. What was he hiding? Something bad happened. Definitely.

He finally looked into my eyes and pressured his lips. It felt like forever until I got an answered.. “I was in a hotel room.” his voice was raw and quiet. I furrowed my eyebrows totally confused. “O-okay.. alone?” I asked noticing that my voice was still shaking.. a million thoughts went through my head and I started assuming things that I didn’t want to assume.. but I hoped that he was alone and wanted to clear his mind..

“There.. was a girl.” he answered.. the words just rolled off his tongue.. my stomach dropped and I froze. I hoped that he was messing with me to make me angrier than I already was but I could feel the pain in my chest. I could feel how my chin started shaking.. “What girl?” I asked with tears in my eyes.

He furrowed his eyebrows and bit his lower lips in guilt.. he looked away but I made him look at me. I could see the guilt and how f****d how he was.. my world turned upside down and I didn’t want to believe it. “DEAN! WHAT GIRL?” I screamed and started shaking.. he ran his hand over his face. “Nothing happened.” he said still quiet and partly stressed.. and I started crying. “What do you mean nothing happened?” I could barely talk. My voice cracked.

I swallowed and tried to keep calm but I knew that I was going to explode. “Who is she?” I asked him and he looked away again. I hated that. Why wouldn’t he just look into my eyes? I grabbed his collar. I had to tiptoe for that although I was wearing high heels. “DEAN WHO IS SHE?!” I repeated shaking him. My voice had never been so loud and high.

His hair fell on his forehead and suddenly he seemed so quiet and calm.. as if he knew how guilty he was and that I was right. He knew it very well. That’s why he was so pissed. “I don't know..” every word of his was shocking me. I wanted to punch him so bad. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HER?” I let him go very roughly just like he did it with me earlier.

I was crying, shaking and breathing heavily. Actually I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was drowning. The thought of him and another girl killed me in a way that I never expected. I’ve never felt such pain in my chest before. “Sun I didn't even touch her. I promise.” he said. He was sad.. exhausted.. suddenly. Earlier he was so strong and controlling.. but now I was in charge. I looked at him very disgusted. “So you’re going to tell me that all you did was talk? You were having fun with someone else while I was looking for you? While I was worrying about you?”

Dean

Her voice cracked and I died. The pain in her eyes and her voice.. killer me. I never thought that something could hurt me so much. All the things that dad has done to me.. we’re nothing against the way she looked at me.. I started panicking. She needed to believe me because I really didn’t touch her.. I took her with me because I had these intentions.. because I wasn’t myself.. but I didn’t do anything that should make her feel betrayed. I didn’t betray her. That girl.. probably wanted it but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I tried too hard but as soon as she tried to touch me, I sent her away because I was in love with someone else.. and I realized that I was never be able to change it. No matter how much I would try..

“No.. I swear to god I didn't have fun with anyone. I didn’t have any fun at all while I was gone.” she started sobbing and covered her face with her hands.. I wanted to hug her so bad.. so I came closer to her but as soon as she felt my hands on her arms she looked up and screamed “DON'T TOUCH ME!” she pushed me away and I could feel the pain in my chest.. something that I’ve never felt before. I’ve never felt more awful.. This was something else compared to all the other pain I’ve felt before and suddenly nothing else mattered. Only her.

I knew I made a scene and overrated although I had no right to but seeing Blake next to her.. made me go crazy. I knew him too well.. I remembered what he said about her but I couldn’t tell her that. That’s why I was always losing it when he was around her..

“YOU ACCUSED ME OF DOING SOMETHING DISGUSTING ONLY TO DISTRACT ME FROM WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!” she screamed so loud that her voice covered up the music that was coming from downstairs. I wanted to explain but I knew that she wouldn’t believe me because I couldn’t believe myself either and it seemed so unreal.. nothing that I could’ve said would’ve made it better...

“YOU HOOKED UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE BUT JUDGE ME FOR SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR BROTHER? ARE YOU SERIOUS?” the tears kept running down her face and ruined her make up.. “YOU CHEATED WHILE I WAS HERE WORRYING ABOUT YOU!” Her pain was real.. the tears in her red eyes were real.. everything was real.. but nothing was how she thought it was.. my jaw dropped. ”Sun no! I swear I would never cheat on you.. I know how it seems but it’s not like that.. I WOULD NEVER LOVE SOMEONE ELSE THAN YOU!“ There was it.. I’ve never said that to anybody before.. I never told anybody that I love.. not in any way.. even if it wasn’t an ’I love you’.. it was already too much.. the first time I admitted it.

I hoped to catch a spark in her eye or anything that would make her calm down or listen to me.. or believe me.. because I didn’t say it to make her forget about this or distract her.. I really meant it.. I was shaking. Anxious and afraid of losing her. I needed her to say something or react to it… about what I said.. I wanted to know what she was feeling about it.. but it seemed like she didn’t even mind or heard me because she slapped me out of nowhere. I froze with the burning pain on my cheek. For the time a girl slapped me. I’ve never let anybody do this.. If she wouldn't have been my girlfriend I wouldn't have cared about the fact that she is a girl and probably beat the s**t out of her..

Sun

My blood was boiling. ”I stayed at home and trusted you! I thought you would need time to find yourself while you were f*****g somebody else! God, I trusted you so much that I gave you my body! This is so humiliating!” my voice was shaking more than my body. My heart was aching and I couldn’t breathe. ”You saw me with your brother.. WITH YOUR f*****g BROTHER.. and accused me of wanting to hook up with him only so you could blame me of something too..“ I was so hurt.. in so much pain… I felt so awful.. betrayed.. and not enough. I really trusted him enough to hand him my purest form and he didn’t even appreciate it. It was nothing for him. Not enough. It was so simple for him that he just went over to another girl.. as if it meant nothing to him.. that hurt me so much that I couldn’t breathe..

I felt so dirty and so stupid.. I should’ve believed Moon when he said what he said.. when he tried to protect me… I never hated someone that much.

“You were my first.. how could you believe that my second would be your brother?“ I asked in disguise.. he looked away.. he felt guilty. He had to feel guilty. He deserved it. I knew he was angry because I slapped him but he knew that he deserved this all.. that’s why he couldn’t say s**t. I felt like falling apart.. He really laid his hands on someone else.. he told me he didn't.. but I couldn't believe him.

”I meant nothing to you.. that night meant nothing to you. I don’t mean anything to you.. I’m just one of these other girls you f**k and leave behind.. your ’side chick’. One of those who you can brag about later.. like a trophy.“

I actually never knew that this kind of feeling existed. That this pain and this anger existed. I never thought that something like this would happen to me but it was my own fault because I was so naive, stupid and childish. I wanted to believe in the good in him and blended out what my family said. They warned me and tried to protect me but I was too stubborn.. and that was the outcome. That was what I deserved.. being used by him although I knew what kind of guy he was from the first moment on.. but I always believed in that special bond between us. I thought he could feel it too. That we were more than a couple. That there was something really strong and strange that none of us could explain. Something that made it impossible to tear us apart.. but I guessed he didn’t feel it at all.

My head was standing in flames.

“I don’t even know you..” I whispered with a.m cracking voice. I wanted to hold my tears back but I couldn’t. It was so painful that I wanted to let myself fall on the ground. He looked at me like I punched him.. as if I was the villain..

“I HATE YOU!” I screamed and punched his chest. I pushed him away. I didn’t want to explode but it wasn’t in my hand. I couldn’t control it. I didn’t want to see him and his dad eyes that were going to manipulate me. I was honest with what I said and that was it..

I ran out of my room and ran towards, not minding all the people at the party or that he could've been followed me. I wasn't giving a single s**t about anything in that moment. What I was feeling in my chest was too strong to blind me. All I wanted was to punch a wall, destroy something, lay on the ground and cry for hours, disappear in a corner or scream my lungs out. I was thinking too much.. too much at the same time..

My heart broke into a million pieces. I wasn't sure what to believe anymore. He was judging me for something that didn't even happen.. knowing that he was the one who f****d up and destroyed everything.. how could he do that to me? And then he said he wouldn’t love anybody else than me. For a second I really believed him but someone who was in love.. wasn’t acting like this. Who knows to how many girls he has already said this..

Only because he was angry or pissed at something.. he left me crying and ran into another girls arms.. but I was sure that it was an excuse. He only wanted to f**k around. He had a great time. He didn't deserve me.

I called Blake because he said I should call him if Dean would do something stupid.

Blake

I knew he was going do something stupid.. that he was going to mess up. I knew him too well. I knew he would make everything worse.. so I just parked a block away from them. I was waiting patiently.. no matter what happened, I was going to be there for her because I wanted to. Not because I wanted something bad to happen, but I couldn’t stand to see someone suffer because of him.

Then she called me.. I was waiting for this. I really never had bad intentions.. I just hated seeing good girls like her hurt.

“Blake how far away are you?” she was sobbing. Why wasn’t I surprised? I hated it. I should’ve stayed. I could’ve tried to stop him but I left like a scared p***y. “Not much.” I answered turning the engine on. “Okay I'll come! Don’t move. I need some air.” she said and hung up without giving me a chance to say something. I sent her my location although I didn't wanted her to walk around alone..

Sun

I couldn't stop crying And I had to hold myself back from screaming my lungs out on the middle of the street. The weights on my shoulders and my chest.. made me feel like I was really going to fall apart. The pressure that the pain was giving me was extreme.. I couldn’t handle that..

He was parking next to a high building, in the darkness but I could see that he was leaning into his car. I walked towards him with quick steps and started breathing faster and faster with every step. This time I ran into his arms.. I wasn’t sure if I did that because I really needed it.. or because I was so hurt and mad at Dean..

Blake

She was crying hysterically. She could barely breathe and I could see in how much pain she was.. that made me sad and I knew that he messed up really really bad.. I was afraid that he hurt he physically but it didn’t seem like that. I’ve never seen someone cry like her...

I held her tightly in my arms and squeezed her. “You're cold..” I whispered. She wrapped her arms around my neck. She was shaking but it seemed like she didn’t care about it. All she did was crying and I was scared that she was going to fall apart.. it seemed too much for her. It was too much for her. His negativity was too heavy and dark for her positivity. I didn’t need to know what he has done.. I already knew that it was something she didn’t deserve.

I wanted to give her my jacket but she kept sobbing into my neck until she said “He hooked up with another girl while he was gone..”