Can't Hate You

Anxiety

☼Dean's Journal☼

Your smile.. makes me fell like I get hit by a wave of anger and sadness. I clench my jaw without knowing it and feel like I could burn something down because the fear of never seeing that smile again is too big.. the fear of never hearing you laugh or never being the reason for you smile again makes me lose my mind.

Your childish smile.. your laugh that fills my ears and body with love...is something I’ve never experienced before. It’s like this feeling captures my whole body and I can’t do anything about it, no matter how much I don’t want it and try to get rid of it. It just doesn’t work.

It feels like we’re the only human beings on this planet, when you smile and look into my eyes. It feels like it only belongs to me... and in that moment.. everyone disappears. Only we both are left.

Do you know what I like the most?

You never stop smiling. You’re always positive. It looks so good on you and you’re not even aware of how you make people feel.

Your innocent laugh.. that comes from the inside.. that ‘ugly’ laugh that you don’t like is so pure and so beautiful that I want to listen to it all day. You don't mind if people are staring at you, you don’t care about what they think or if you're too loud.. you enjoy it.. and I enjoy watching you, even if you don’t notice it..

You're too busy with yourself.. you love yourself so much.. tell me how is it possible to not love you when even you love yourself so much?

The moments in which you almost cry of laughter.. and close your eyes because your stomach already hurts.. these are my favorite moments.. these are the moments that save my day...

☼☼☼

Melissa

I took a deep breath. “I invited Dean to dinner so we can get to know him.” I explained and his smile disappeared slowly. He clenched his jaw and furrowed his eyebrows. “Melissa are you crazy?” he asked me with a deep voice. He was trying to be quiet because she was sleeping.. I rolled my eyes. He was going to make a scene again. I slowly lifted Sun's head up to put a pillow under it. I didn’t want to wake her up yet because she was sleeping so peacefully. I grabbed Elijah’s hand and pulled him with me. He was really angry so he freed himself as soon as we were far away enough.

”Elijah don't you dare to be angry at me!“ I said totally serious with furrowed eyebrows. He looked shocked. „Angry at you-..?“ He didn’t continue his sentence although I was curious about what he wanted to say. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. ”I think we should get to know the boy who makes our daughter happy instead of pushing him away.“ I said totally serious but he laughed. “Who makes her happy? I think you wanted to say 'Who's a bad influence.'. And he shouldn’t make her happy in first place.” sometimes I really hated how stubborn he was. I sighed.

»No. He makes her happy, like really happy. You should’ve seen them earlier. And you need to get it in you head.. it is totally normal for her to have a boyfriend.” I looked at him furiously. His jaw dropped. “He was here?” he almost screamed and I rolled my eyes. “Why won't you just give him a chance? It was the same with us!” I looked deep in his eyes so he would understand how serious I was.. “You were the asshole with a cold heart that still made me fall in love with him and it doesn’t seem like he is an asshole.” I added. He didn’t say a word but I could see that he was a little angry because he knew I was right.

“Because of you I ran away from home. Because the thing between us was something completely different and I knew it from the first moment on.” I continued. He looked away. He hated it when I was right when it came to Sun’s and boys. “Don't make her run away too because she feels free with him.. please.”. He looked at me and I knew that I got him. “Look I know.. that you're afraid of loosing her.. I'm afraid as well.. but if we keep telling her that she has to stay away from him, she'll only get closer to him..” I added and he looked down. “I know..” he said quietly. I smiled softly and approached him.

“If you still don't like him after that dinner.. then I'll respect your decision.” I said and he looked at me. He clenched his jaw. “I only want to see her happy.. without somebody that she needs. I don’t want him to break her heart. That’s all. You know I wouldn’t be able take it.”. I cupped his face. I knew that very well.. “I'll give him a chance. Only because I love her as much as you do..” he said and I wrapped my arms around him immediately. “You love her even more than I do...”

Sun

I heard everything they said.. and I couldn't believe my ears.. I thought he would freak out.. but he accepted it. He really wanted to give him a chance. He wasn’t going to kill him or rip my head off. I expected everything but not this. Everything seemed so unreal.. as if I landed in a parallel universe. I wasn't sure what was wrong with him or why he didn’t freak out.. but I was glad about it.

I wanted to hug mom so much. I never wanted to let her go again.. but I had to keep pretending that I was sleeping.

Melissa

“Wait..” he furrowed his eyebrows and backed off. “Where is Moon?” he asked and I was asking myself the same. “I don't know.. he’s been gone for a while.” I answered and he raised a brow. “I'll call him.” he said and let me go.

We walked to the kitchen. I gave him a drink while he called Moon.

Elijah

He picked up. “Yo buddy, where are you?” I asked and he cleared his throat. It sounded like he wasn’t alone.. I heard a girl laughing. “Guess you have a good time huh?” I asked smirking. “Yeah.. I'm with Skylar and I won't be back till tomorrow..” he answered and I chocked on my drink and started coughing. “Wait you...” I knew very well what he meant with that normal sentence.

I could literally see him smirking on the other line. “YEAH!” I hit the kitchen counter with my first. “HELL YES!” I added. “Give me details when you come back!” I continued and Melissa looked at me totally pissed. “Sun is sleeping! Be quiet.” she snapped. “Ops.. sorry..” I whispered. “See you after school tomorrow.” I said and winked although he couldn’t see it. Melissa rolled her eyes.

I hung up and I was totally proud of him. I loved that boy. He was like my best friend.

I looked at Melissa who was standing across me. I kept staring at her from head to toes until she asked me “What is wrong with you?”. I smirked. “Nothing. I just missed you.. the way you said 'Sun is sleeping..'”. I licked my lips and she looked confused. “Just like back then when she was a baby and we couldn't-...” she cut me off immediately. “Sshhh!” she started panicking and I saw how she blushed. That made me laugh. It was so cute how shy and embarrassed she was when I started talking about these things while the kids were home.

I approached her.

“But I want to love you.. again and again..” I slowly wrapped my arms around her...

Sun

As soon as I heard that they were in the kitchen.. very distracted.. I stood up and rushed up to my room. I was pretty tired and I didn’t want to loose any ‘sleep’. I let myself fall on my bed and fell asleep immediately. I was going to call Dean in the morning.. first I had to dream of him.

Elijah

“But I missed loving you.” I kissed her cheek and slowly went down to her neck. She chuckled and bit her lower lip.. she was making me crazy. “You can do it when we're alone..” she whispered slowly pushing me away. She was always leaving me hard.

“Oh you know exactly what I would do to you if we would be alone..”

Melissa

I got goosebumps because of his husky voice but I needed to resist because we really weren’t alone and I didn’t want to risk getting embarrassed in front of my daughter. He grabbed his drink and kept drinking. I fixed my hair although nothing happened and looked at him while he already started scanning me. He took a sip and said. “Actually I could do it now but you would scream so loud that Sun would wake up.” he walked past me smiling proudly..

Dean

I couldn't sleep. It was already 3am and I had this weird feeling in my throat and stomach.. my head was spinning and I wanted to throw up. My heart was racing for no reason. I felt like I was dying or having an anxiety attack out of nowhere. I hated that.. I don't know what it was but it f****d me up.

I stood up carefully and went to the bathroom.. my hands were shaking and I couldn’t breathing.. I bent over the toilet feeling how it came up my throat. I vomited and felt how my whole stomach was burning.. I was definitely getting sick or finally dying.

The walls were getting closer.. a few seconds later I tried to get myself back together and cleaned everything up as much as I could. I just wanted to cry like a little girl. I needed to take a shower.. of smoke. I needed to do something to get myself back together

Just when I tried to take a deep breath and wanted to walk back into my room, Blake and dad came back. That meant I needed to get myself back together a little faster than I planned because I really couldn’t take any of their comments in that moment. I didn’t want to see them. I looked into the mirror and saw my red eyes.

Then I realized what was wrong with me.. I was losing myself. I was really losing myself. My system was turned upside down.. that killed me.

I was in love. I felt love for the first time.. for the first time I got intimate with a girl who I really liked.. more than that. Who I really loved. And it made me sick. It made me feel like I was dying or something bad was happening to my body. I’ve been laying there for more than two hours.. thinking about her and nothing else.. about what happened between us a few hours ago.. about how I touched her.. how she looked at me.. and how her tears burned my skin while I hurt her.. I was really dying..

I changed my mind. I walked downstairs because for the first time I needed him... I really needed dad although I didn’t want to. Something was wrong with me and no matter how much we hated each other, I just needed him.. someone who I could talk to. Of course I wasn’t going to tell him about what happened between Sun and I.. I wasn’t going to tell him about my feelings or anything else. I needed distraction. I needed someone to show me that I was not in love. That I was not able to love.

Kingston

When walked down the stairs my jaw dropped and I let the keys fall out of my hand. Blake choked on his laugh. “What.. happened to you?” he asked him very shocked. I walked towards him. “You look.. damaged..”. He was definitely not okay..

I approached him and ran my hand trough his messy, wet hair. He looked so broken.. so hurt.. he couldn't barely stand. For a second I thought he was going to cry but he never cried.

“Did someone hurt you? I know that's impossible but-...” he shook his head immediately.

Dean

I was shocked because it seemed like he was really caring. As if he knew how serious it was.. as if he was a different person... I thought he would slap the s**t out of me for being so week but he really cared. That scared me but I wanted to believe that he was honest.

I needed to calm down. I couldn’t tell him about anything. I needed to handle this without saying a word about it..

Blake

Of course dad had feelings as well. He never showed his feelings to Dean to make him stronger. So he would be independent and not weak. So he wouldn’t need him or any of us. That’s why he always made him feel left out and hurt him.. Yes, he was crazy and definitely mentally ill but he still had feelings and he cared about his sons.

This time Dean looked really bad and dad was very worried. I saw that. He was just bad at helping and showing feelings. But I was a little different.. I had to be who he wanted me to be but I wanted to help my brother so bad..

Dean

He sighed and looked down at me. “Go, take a warm shower, I'll make you tea. You‘re not going to school tomorrow.” he said. I didn’t know why but it seemed like he really wanted to help me.. he was still not the best in it or showing his feelings but he was trying.. I saw that and 8 was thankful for that little bit..

He put his hand on my forehead and then on my arm. “Don't get out of your bed until your body temperature turns back to normal..” he said and disappeared in the kitchen... I tried to realize what was happening.. I tried to believe that this was not a trick.. Blake put his hand on my shoulder and gave me honest look. That seemed unreal. As if they were messing with me.. I was asking myself what they were planning.

My trust issues leveled up.