Time and Again

No Time for Fear

Chapter 6

I woke with a start from my dream. I was trembling. I pulled the covers tighter around me and took a deep breath. “Damn it.” I said to my dark room. I hated that dream. The worst day of my life coming back to haunt me when I should be resting. I hated that I remembered it so vividly. The sound of the gun c*****g. They way it looked, like it was staring at me waiting for me to make a choice. The wrong one, and I wouldn’t be worried about bad dreams anymore. And worst of all how I felt like it was my fault when they took him away in cuffs. The guilt, that I did that to him, after what he did to me. I hated that I felt like that. It made me feel weak.

Once I was calm enough I got up and used the bathroom, splashed my face with water, then went back to bed. It was still dark out and I wanted to rest even if I didn’t sleep. I picked up the book on my night stand and laid down to read. After about 3 chapters I was becoming sleepy again, so I closed the book and set it aside. I closed my eyes and next thing I knew Will was crawling in to my bed. It was morning. I rolled over and looked at the time on my phone. “Holy smokes!” It was already 11am! Will was a sleeper, and I should have known if he was awake, it had to be late. I drug myself from the bed, leaving Will curled up with my blankets.

After going to the bathroom and managing the mop on my head, I padded out to the living room to find Grayson curled up on the couch with a blanket watching cartoons. “ Good morning bubs.” I said.

“Mornin’ mom. I’m hungry.” He informed me.

“Of course you are. You know your big enough to get your own food.“ I reminded him with a chuckle.

“Yeah, but it tastes better when you make it.” He smiled. I laughed and went to the kitchen to see what I could throw together. I didn’t want to make a big breakfast since everyone was coming for dinner later. I had told them to come around three so we could visit for a while. I was looking forward to spending time with my immediate family since they were the main reason I had wanted to move home in the first place. I hadn’t been able to really catch up with most of them since everyone worked all week. I threw a quick breakfast together of scrambled eggs, toast, and fruit. Then went out to mow the yard around the house so we could eat and sit outside to visit since the inside would be a bit crowded. I had given the boys a couple of chores to help clean up, Grayson was sweeping, and Will was picking up toys and folding blankets on the couch.

After I finished mowing, I took a quick shower and dressed in a pair of denim shorts and a tank top as it was promised to be quite warm today. I finished up some light cleaning and swept the porch. The dishes from breakfast were washed, and I had about 30 minutes to relax before everyone started showing up. I sat on the couch drinking my big red, and trying not to think about my dream from last night. Kaleb had been so amazing in the beginning. He was a good father to Will, strict, but he loved him. He had always been a drinker, but not so much that I was overly concerned. I had grown to love his two daughters Molly and Melinda, and we had fun when we were all together doing things as a family. Things changed when Kaleb fell down the stairs at home at hurt his back. He refused at first to go to the doctor, and instead laid in bed drinking day after day. Weeks went by and I finally convinced him to see a doctor when he could barely walk anymore. He had become bitter and angry all the time. No longer his charismatic and charming self. The doctor sent him to a specialist and the specialist told him he would need surgery. He decided to get the surgery but refused to do any of the physical therapy or exercises that would help him. Instead, he retreated back to the bed, drinking and becoming more and more aggressive and angry.

I tried to get him to AA, and rehab for the alcohol issues, but he made excuses as to why he couldn’t go. One night, the last night, he had finally lost it. He wouldn’t let me sleep. He was drunk, and kept waking me up. I finally said I was going to the couch. He became enraged when I started taking my things out of the room to sleep downstairs. He had tried holding me down on the bed so I couldn’t leave, pulling my arms, and at some point causing me to pull a muscle in my shoulder. I managed to get out of his grip with only a few bruises on my arms, and went to get the baby monitor. When I took the blanket, he finally lost it. I had turned to grab the baby monitor, blanket in my other hand, when I heard the gun click behind me. He had loaded and c****d it. And when I turned there it was, the hole at the end seemed bigger when it was pointed at my head. It shined just a little with the light reflecting on it. “I said put it back b***h!” He yelled.

My thoughts turned inward.

Is this really happening? What do I do? I should push his hand away. No, it might go off. Cooperate with him. Don’t argue, just do what he says. Just play it cool.

It seemed like much longer than the 30 seconds that actually passed. “Okay, fine I’ll put the blanket back, just put that thing away.” I said with a sudden confidence. And he did. He turned and put the gun back in the safe. I don’t know if he just intended to scare me, or if he would have actually shot me if I didn’t obey. I’m glad I didn’t have to find out. I had grabbed a different blanket and scurried out the door. My temporary confidence left me as I walked down the stairs. I began gasping for air, and trembling. Walked over to the couch, while also realizing that I literally could have just died. My kids left there with that monster. Yet they slept soundly in the room across the hall from him. Their door was closed, and I’m sure they had slept through it all. I laid on the couch, knowing what I needed to do, but terrified to do it. Even more afraid he would hear me. So I texted my mother to call the police. It was three in the morning her time, but she never turned her ringer off thankfully. She didn’t answer so I called her quickly, told her to check her messages and hung up. She did as I asked. He kept coming downstairs and trying to get me to go back up with him. I decided to walk outside to see if I could get him away from the kids. I had begun to fear his next actions. It worked, until he locked me out of the house. Then I really panicked. My kids were now locked in there. Luckily I had the sense to bring my phone out, and it rang. The police got more information from me. When they arrived he just happened to come out of the house. I watched, hidden behind the police SUV, as they took him away in cuffs. I suddenly began sobbing, racked with guilt over this man whom I had built a life with. Once he was gone, I spent the next hour talking to the police and sitting awake. Somehow I managed a short sleep before morning came.

I was brought from my memory with a knock at the door. Grayson ran to open it before I could even get up fully. My dad and Sammie stood in the doorway, and I motioned for them to come inside smiling.

“Hi guys! I greeted.

“You’ve been busy sweetie. Place is starting to look good.” Dad said looking around the room.

“Thanks! Now that the paint is dry, I just need to hang some pictures, and unpack the breakable things.” I replied pointing out the stack of boxes along the far wall.

“I love the colors you’ve chosen.” Sammie stated simply. I thanked her and we walked through the house showing them the other things I had done. I brought them out to the back yard, where dad had already put the grill. We set up our chairs and a folding table to put the food on. Then Sammie and I went back in to get the food from the fridge for snacks while dad started up the grill. When we walked in the house, my brother David, Rita, and their two boys Lance and Eric were just walking in the door.

“Oh hey!” I greeted and walked over to hug everyone. “Its so good to see you finally little brother!” I exclaimed.

“You too sis. Sorry I couldn’t visit sooner, been working like crazy.” David said.

“The boys are playing video games in Grayson’s room if you boys would like to go down and see them" I told my nephews. They ran down the hall to Grayson’s room, and I heard a lot of chatter and laughter. I showed David and Rita around the house and then took them outside. David went to see if he could help dad with the grill, and grabbed a beer from the cooler. Rita and I went in to finish helping Sammie with the food. We brought out some chips and dip, salsa, and a veggie tray since it would be a while before dinner was ready. We all sat around enjoying a cold drink and talking. I told them about the move, and the things I wanted to do around the house. David offered to help some if I needed it. I said I probably would with the shed, and getting the chicken coop ready. But I wanted to wait until after I got settled at my new job first and got some money coming in. Right now I was living on my savings. I only got the paint so I wouldn’t have to rearrange my living room twice.

We laughed and joked, walked around the property and reminisced of childhood. Being with them healed my broken soul. I felt lighter than I had in the last two years. A weight lifted from my heart and mind. I breathed in the fresh country air, unpolluted by cars and city smells. The smell of the grill, and burgers cooking, and the sound of the kids laughing, I smiled and was thankful for it all. Andy showed up about 45 minutes after David and Rita, and joined us in laughing about old times. She had worked late at the bar the night before, and hadn’t rolled out of bed til well past noon. Dad told us the meat was ready and we all made our plates and ate.

“These are delicious dad!” I told him. He smiled his thanks and took another bite of his burger. After we ate, we played a few hands of cards, and everyone left around eight-thirty. I had to work the next day, and drop Grayson back to his dad as well as take Will to his first day at daycare. He would be starting first grade in a few weeks time. I got everything ready for tomorrow, clothes laid out, breakfast items prepped for an easier morning, and I made my lunch. I sent the boys to bed after a quick bath for each of them. As soon as I was done getting ready for the night, I crawled into the sheets myself. I picked up my phone to check messages, and found one from Jessie that he sent about 30 minutes ago.

Jessie: Hey there beautiful. I hope you had a nice visit with the family. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. ?

I responded quickly.

Me: Hey there sir. We did have a nice visit. I just crawled in to bed. I might have thought about you once or twice today. ;)

I didn’t hear back from him before I fell asleep.

The next morning I got out of bed quickly, showered and woke the boys. I was excited to start my new job, and be back on a regular routine. We ate and then left the house quickly so I could get going on time. They had asked me to come in a bit later on my first day so they could get a few things get ready for me. I had plenty of time to get the boys where they needed to go. I dropped off Will first, much to his dismay, and after much argument I was on my way again. I took Grayson back to the same McDonald’s we had met at on Friday so he could go back to his dads for the week, he would spend the last 2 weeks of summer with me after next weekend. I kissed him goodbye and finished the drive to work. I had chosen that meeting spot on purpose so that when I needed to pick him up, it was close to work. I followed my GPS to the parking lot of the Child Protection Services building. I parked, but I was 45 minutes early. So I pulled out my phone to kill some time. There was another message from Jessie.

Jessie: Good morning! Good luck on your first day of work.

Me: Well thank you sir. I hope you have a great day too! I’ll text you later today.

Jessie: Well, now I have something to look forward to. ;)

Me: Me too. Talk to you soon. 

I gathered my things after about fifteen minutes, and walked up to the building. I took a deep breathe and opened the doors to a new journey.

I introduce myself to the lady at the desk, and she made a call to let someone know I was there. A thin woman with dark brown hair pulled up into a loose bun, wearing a light gray suit with a cream white shirt came out to greet me and take me to her office.

“I’m so glad you are finally here. My name is Janice, and I will be your supervisor.” She told me with a kind smile.

“I’m very happy to be here as well, it has been quite a journey to get here.” I replied. She went on to explain where I would be working, and the area I would cover. I had several partners in my district, as well as an administrative assistant that would help us with certain things. She then took me to my office section. It was sort of a large cube. With four offices and a desk in the center with a middle aged woman sitting there. Janice introduced her as Bethany, the assistant, then we walked over to each office and she introduced me to the other team members, Gordon, Ben, and Alicia, with Alicia being the team leader. Apparently she was the one who would assign the cases and divide work evenly. She would also help with my training. They all seemed both excited and relieved that I was there as they had all been taking extra cases since the previous case manager had been promoted. Janice showed me to my office, then left me to get settled. I put my things away, and looked around. Besides my desk, I had a couple of filing cabinets, and some extra chairs. Alicia knocked on the door, and I told her to come in.

“So, what do you think? Its not a palace, but it works I guess.” She said leaning against the door frame.

“Its perfect. I haven’t had my own office in years.” I told her with a big smile. She proceeded to hand me several files and asked me to read through them. She explained what was in each file and that Bethany was responsible for putting them together, and then Alicia handed them out. These were all new cases, and she had given me three easier cases and one that would be more challenging. She was going to accompany me on all the interviews I would need to do this week, and teach me all the ins and outs. She also explained that eventually I would oversee as many as 25 cases at a time, but she was going to add them slowly. She left me to it, and I got to work reading.

I spent the first half of the day reading through the files, then after lunch I met with Alicia to go over what I had read. The first file was for a nine year old girl who had told her teacher that her dad hit her, and had a bruise on her face. I would need to go to the school and interview the girl,, and assess the situation. The second case was for two children who’s mother was struggling after coming out of rehab, and the agency wanted to try an help her get on her feet so she could keep her kids. I would be helping to connect her with services, and monitoring her progress. The third case involved a six year old boy who needed a placement. It was an old case being reopened because his behavior was out of control, and his foster family couldn’t handle him anymore. The last case was the most complicated. A four year old girl had been left alone for several days at home. She had been found yesterday wandering her neighborhood looking for her mom. The mom had yet to be located, and she needed a long term placement. She was currently in emergency placement. Alicia explained that we would go to the schools of the first three tomorrow, and visit the emergency home placement of the fourth.

At the end of the day, I was feeling pretty good about my new job, and while I didn’t know it well yet, I felt confident I could handle it well in time. I packed up my things and walked out to my car, excited to get Will and go home. I texted Jessie as soon as I got in the car and told him my day was great, then went to pick up Will. When I got to the daycare I noticed a sign by the sign out sheet that advertised a parents night out on Friday from six to nine in the evening. I’m definitely signing up for that! Ten bucks for an extra three hours of childcare. I’ll take it. I’ll just tell Will it’s a pizza party and he’ll be excited. Will saw me by the sign out sheet, and came running over, “Mom!” He yelled excitedly.

“Hey dude, I missed you ALLLLLL day!” I told him, as was my usual way to greet him at the end of the day. “Did you have fun today?”

“Yep, we played outside, and I won a game. And Jaxson played hide and seek with me. And we watched a movie.” He explained in his six year old voice.

“Well what do you say we pick up a pizza and head home? Cheese with more cheese work for you?” I asked him knowing it was his favorite.

“Yes!” He said pumping his fist. We headed over to pizza hut to pick up my order, no more delivery for us. One of the joys of country living, No one delivers to us, not even Uber Eats. Once we got our pizza we headed home. We arrived home in enough time that the pizza doesn’t get cold, and we quickly ate since we were both really hungry. After dinner, we sat down to watch some television. Will chose Moana, one of our Disney favorites. We watched the movie together and cuddle on the couch when my phone dinged with a text message.

Jessie: Hey, are you busy?

Me: Nope, what’s up?

My phone rings, its Jessie. “Hey beautiful, how was your first day?” He asks casually.

“Really good actually, I think I’m going to like it.” I say with a smile.

“I’m glad to hear it! I was wondering if you thought anymore about dinner?” He sounds hopeful. I chuckled a little

“I have thought about it…” I left it hanging. Jessie laughed.

“And….” He said trailing his last word. I hemmed and hawed for a minute, letting him squirm some.