Santa Monica

Astro

“Spotted Astro and Jasper leaving the party together, they seem more than friends.” from the anonymous account with a photo attached of my arms around Astro and my chin on her shoulder. If anyone knew the truth behind this, they would spin it into a million lies. There lies the truth in their quote though we do seem more than friends we've always seemed more than friends. I slide my phone back into my pocket thinking about the first time I realized that I was in love with Astro. It probably started junior year of high school we were all gathered around the table at Taco Bell.

You see we were allowed off campus to go eat at lunchtime and we were all talking about where we would go to college. At that point I would think I would go to a college that only did Fine Arts. Until Astro said she would be staying in town for college. She wanted to be close to her family in case anything happened. Her brother had gone away for college that year and she saw how much it tore her family apart. She didn't want to be the next one to tear her family apart. That's when I started thinking about staying at home for college.

It could give me and Astros some time to bond that's what I thought to myself. At that point I didn't realize that I was in love with her that most my paintings all reflected her in a part of her. That I needed her to make my paintings come alive. That in some sick twisted way I needed her to make my own art in those following weeks I realized that shortly. That it wasn't Arabella that made my paintings come alive it was my hate for Arabella mixed with my feelings for Astro.

Mixed with my feelings for wanting to protect Astro, Astro had gone through a lot in her life she didn't need any more of Arabella’s games. She didn't need any more of the mind games in her life. Now thinking back on this I feel like if Arabella had picked up any sense of it, she would have used Astra against me. Arabella was always self-centered and always thought that my paintings were about her always depicting her as a masterpiece.

Thinking about junior here and thinking about me realizing that I loved Astro junior year did I realize that I was in love with her junior year? Is that why I realized I had to keep her at a distance? It wasn't until senior year when things got messy with her boyfriend that's when we started hooking up. Her boyfriend was cheating on her she was heartbroken she needed someone to call her beautiful and it just fell into my lap. It just made sense for her best friend to call her beautiful call her everything that she needed to be called. It made sense for me to do it.

And as I called her beautiful in the waking hours of the morning and called her beautiful at the dawning hours of night. It just fell into my lap that I needed to do this I needed to bring the strong woman back to life. She was strong before she met the male that was cheating on her she was strong before she met any of us. She didn't know what she was supposed to be doing with her life I didn't know how to give her those answers, but I knew how to tell her that she was strong, and she was beautiful, and she deserved everything in the world. And so that's what I did I told her things that she should believe about herself. And eventually she started to believe them again she started to believe them with me again. We start fooling around mid-winter break senior year because we figured if we kept fooling around, we would have to tell people that we were together. We didn't want our friend group to go into Overdrive trying to figure out how we got together.

But as the waking hours of freshman year of college came my art started to go array and I started to realize what was wrong with my art not spending time with Astro made my art suffer. So, I started to spend more time with her started to realize what type of male she had in her life during then. She was in competition some sick competition with Arabella for this one mail attention and that's when I realized she would never win that competition that Mail would always go back to Arabella. I feel like somewhere inside her mind she knew that Mail would go back to Arabella as well. as we came around and figured out who we were in our life again freshman year.

Astro realized that the Mail was cheating on her again with Arabella this time it is a harder pill swallow this time. I feel like that's when we started hooking up Thanksgiving break that's when we started backtracking into our old ways me telling her she was beautiful day and night. One day she looked at me and asked why you are the only one that can see that I'm beautiful. I looked at her and said it's a blessing and a curse because I've been in love with you for so many years. I don't believe she believed it then I don't know if she's going to take these answers very well now either.

Are the driver drives up to my house and we both get out of the car I walk words the front door and go to grab something to drink out of my liquor cabinet it's old but it's there I tell myself. It's something to get that edge off for now until I can contact a dealer. She looks at me with wide eyes and ask for her own drink I know in my head and walk over with two drinks in my hand one for me and one for her sitting down on the couch crossing my ankles.

“When you told me last year that you been in love with me for so many years, I didn't believe it. How am I supposed to believe at this time? How am I supposed to believe the words that you are telling me now?” Astro ask me with a demanding voice. I raise my shoulder and glanced tours her with a smile on my face.

“You don't have to believe me the issue is you have to believe your gut and if what I'm telling you is true.” I raise in glance towards her as I say this. “OK let's start with an easy question then, where were you really?” Astro asked with a smile on her face. I knew this was going to be a question eventually I just don't know if she's prepared for the answers or if she's going to think that I was in love with Arabella again. “I had a mental breakdown after the night in the Woods. I told my dad what happened he didn't believe me, and he sent me to the mental hospital to work out my issues. he wanted me to get sober and clean. So, for the past months that I've been away I've been in the mental hospital, but I've been lying to everyone where I was. It wasn't because I loved her it was because of everything that happened in the Woods that night. It was traumatizing to me I didn't know how much I could hold in for myself I didn't tell the people in the mental hospital what happened they just thought I was there to get detoxed and to get sober. They thought I dialed with anxiety.” I said glancing towards her and bringing my Cup to my lips drinking a little bit of it.

She glanced at me as if a bomb just went off, as if she had been holding in everything for the past couple months and she thought I was out having fun instead of working on myself. “I think the night in the Woods traumatized us all. I really think the night hit us all in different ways it made us realize things differently. It made us be more protective of the people around us. None of us talk about it openly but we all know how we get. We all give each other those glances and we all know when we're going to have a breakdown at this point.” she says she puts her hands on her lap and puts her Cup on the table next to her.

I never once thought that everyone would be traumatized from the Woods. I never once thought that everyone would be broken from that night as much as I was. I guess it makes everyone seem a little bit more human. I glanced tord's Astro with a smile on my face taking a deep breath in nodding my head listening to what she has to say. I raised my shoulder in almost an instant it feels like this is going to be the rest of my life. This is going to be the downfall of everyone.

“Do you feel better now that you got help? I think I needed you the most while you were away it felt like you abandoned me.” she says and, in my mind, I didn't mean to abandon her I didn't mean to up and leave when I did “I didn't mean to abandon you I didn't mean to leave you when I did. I needed to work on me to figure out what I needed to do. You guys couldn't have someone just out there talking about that night constantly. It was a rough in the beginning it got easier overtime having to keep quiet about everything. I didn't mean to make it feel like I was leaving you, especially when in my heart I didn't leave you.” I said glancing towards her putting my hand on her hand.

“I can only be so strong for so long until it fades in your words fade in my mind. The girl who is strong in the girl who is beautiful we're lost somewhere in this month. I needed you here and you were gone. I needed you to stay and you left. I needed us. And I guess that's what hurts the most because I needed us and you were gone, I know you don't love her and I know even logically you love me, but I needed you.” Astro says glancing towards me, at this point I just want to crawl up into a ball and forget about the world maybe hold her a little bit and tell her that she's strong and she's still beautiful. I know I can't do either of those things, so I just sit there and glance towards her with a smile on my lips taking a deep breath in an out. Trying not to breakdown and cry my own tears saying that I needed her as well.

“I needed you when I was gone, you're still the beautiful and strong person that you were but you might be a different girl, and I understand you being a different person after all of that. What I don't understand is why didn't you just tell me to come home? We were in communications why didn't you just tell me to come back if you needed me? Why didn't you just tell me that you needed me through those communications?” I say glancing towards her maybe she didn't realize that she needed me until right now until we were faced to face with each other again. Maybe she figured I would come home sooner I would have come home sooner she I knew she needed me. She never been good with voicing what she needed though.

“I didn't want to seem like one of those girls who needed their boyfriend to be around when things got rough. I don't want to seem like one of those girls who needed someone to rely on even though I needed you. I don't want to seem like one of those girls who needed everything but couldn't ask for everything and didn't know how to voice it.” I shake my head and close my eyes as she tells me this, so she knew for a while that she needed this but didn't voice it because she didn't want to be one of those girls. It wasn't the fact that she just called me her boyfriend that made me a little shocked. It was just the fact that she knew this, and she didn't voice it to me earlier and then now.

“I can't change the past, but I can promise that I'm not going anywhere in the future. You can bring yourself back here we can start over if you want to? You still have the key in my house you don't have to stay at your parents’ house. You can stay here if you want, we can work out our issues. If they are even issues? We can work from here on forward together.” I say then glanced towards her remembering the time that I gave her the key. The time I gave her the key to the house it was probably my happiest moment and probably one of her Saddest moments.

Up until that point she liked to play that her family was perfect other than her parents being divorced and living in the same house. Her mom lived on the upstairs part of the house and her father lived on the downstairs part of the house her mom was unique she never did anything for the kids and always got into fights with Astro no matter what her brother tried to always step in with the fights but when her brother moved away for college Astro was kind of left with no one to defend Astro. Her father normally smoked weed in the basement and would smoke weed with Astro. Astro got into a big fight with her mother one day and found herself at my front door crying it was during the time when we were hooking up and she had nowhere else to go.

So, Astro told me everything between her mother and her and told me that she didn't want to go home. So, I gave her a key to the house it wasn't like any other female was going to be going to my house. No one else was going to be checking up on me and no one else was going to be there unannounced. No one else had a key to my house before Astro. Sing us when I bought the house when I turned 18 and my daughter was born before then not even Arabella had a key to my house. My ex is used to fight me for a key to my house and I used to be like it's not your business it's not your place but when Astro was going through this, I know she needed a place to go.

I might think that Astro situation is different right now because her brother is back in town. although it might be the same do too her brother is renting a place with his now girlfriend an Astros childhood best friend so he's not there to intervene with fights. although I'm not asking Astro to use the key, I'm asking Astro to move in with me this time. Make it official? What's so difficult with that.

Astro glances towards me with a smile on her face and raises her right shoulder taking a deep in breath nodding her head then saying “are you asking me to move in with you? Are you asking me to stay around more?” I glanced words her with a smile on my face shaking my head a little bit “if my life was planned for you to stay around more it's been planned that way since junior year, I'm asking you to move in.” I say with a smirk coming across my lips. She thinks for a few seconds then nods her head I knew she wasn't going to say no it was going to be an easy way for us to communicate and us to get through life after what happened in the Woods, we could talk to each other we could have open breakdowns in my house.

“I will move in with you with one condition, if we make it official.” she says. I glanced towards her and raised my right eyebrow thinking for a second, make water official? Is she asking about our relationship status now? “If you're asking about our relationship status my hearts always belong to you so yes, you're my girlfriend.” I say with a smile coming across my lips and she nods her head. As if that's all she wanted to hear. “Then yes I will move in with you and we can start our life and start finding out who we are together after the Woods.” she says with a smile on her lips.

I think about those words as if they were just presented to me after the Woods, as if those were in the first few things that ever-made sense to me. After the hurricane of our life. After the hurricane named Arabella. After the hurt and chaos in our life. After everything didn't make sense anymore what makes sense now? After the Woods.