A'lurejah: The Fae Princess

Chapter Three

    I blinked my eyes, my head swimming, my stomach lurching, someone abruptly pulled me into a sitting position and bent my head over a bucket, holding my hair back out of my face as I retched into it.

    “Oh! Thank the Creator!” I heard Idhrenniel exclaim, my ears were ringing and her voice sounded far away.

    After I finished retching, I asked, “How long?”

    Two days, Ary.” Uncle Albion’s voice made me jump. I had not expected him to still be here.

    “Dead?” I asked.

    “Seven minutes.” She told me.

    “Unconscious for the rest of the time?”

    “Yes. We did not know if yeh’d make it or not. We had some close calls, and at one point we thought you were dead again. I had to give you some blood because you had lost so much.” There was a flicker of quiet anger in her voice. A coldness that stilled my heart for a beat.

    “Yer angry at me.” I stated.

    “No.” She said.

    “Tell me true.”

    “Yes, Ary, we are angry at you. How could we not be angry at you!?” Uncle Albion spoke up.

    “We spent the better part of a year and a half healing you, helping you, getting you stronger and bringing you back from the dead, and for what?! To have to do it all over again!?” Rothaniel blurted, I was startled at his presence, his anger was striking and it shamed me.

    “What the hells were you thinking?! HUH! Did you even consider what you’d put us through!?” Albion spit, his eyes fire and ice.

    Tears brimmed my eyes, I had no right to cry, I had no right to do anything but sit there and listen, and I knew it. “No … I did not think …. I only wanted the pain to end.” I said, emotionless. “I am tired.” I said, turning my back to everyone’s hurt, angry eyes, I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep. I cannot say how long I’d slept, but when I woke up I was hungry and thirsty. I looked around and saw that there were four maids, and two guards in my room, each maid stood close to my bed, but not hovering over me. The two guards stood by the door, inside my room, watching me. Idhrenniel and Rothaniel and Uncle Albion were all standing by the fire, wordlessly staring into its flames. The atmosphere was almost electric with all the anger and fear rolling off everyone.

    “Excuse me, my Lord, my Lady, my King, but she is awake.” A maid close to my head said. The three of them came over to my bed and stood looking at me.

    “Well, it looks like she still lives.” Idhrenniel’s cold flat voice pierced my heart.

    It pained me to hear them all talk like this about me and to me, I was hurting inside to know that I'd hurt them and worse, I had disappointed them. All I wanted to do was make the pain stop, and yet all I did was make it worse. What I had done to myself was nothing compared to the pain I had caused them. All that I had to do was tell them that I was not okay, and yet, somehow I did not feel as if I could.

    How do I fix this? How can I change what happened?

    A still, small voice in the back of my head said, "You cannot fix it or change it. What's done cannot be undone, now you move on, and you keep your head up, stay strong and you don't do that again."

    "Are yeh thirsty, lass?" Idhrenniel asked cordially, her tone of voice, icy.

    "Ach, a wee bit." I smiled as best as I could, but a chill ran through my heart when she spoke to me.

    "Here, drink this." She handed me a cup of steaming liquid that smelled like peppermint tea and honey. The tea was good and soothing, hitting all the right spots and helped energize me and kept me alert. Idhrenniel pulled the bandages off of my arms gently. She packed the cuts with honey and put new bandages on them.

    "They look better, lass. Honey is helping with the healing process much better than anything else that I have." Sudden tears were streaming down her face, her anger ebbed away. "Lassy, don't do this again. Please?” Her voice was gentle and pleading, “The people left behind need you. The king needs you. He's got a lot happening in his own family, and he cannot bear to lose you." She said, her sadness washed over me.

    All I could do was nod. I was crying so hard that I didn't trust myself to be able to speak. I was afraid to say anything, afraid to do anything, the last thing that I wanted to do was cause them more pain. I stayed silent, unless I needed to answer a question that required more than a head nod.

    Weeks had fled by and all the while I did not speak to them. Uncle Albion had fixed me a chair with wheels on it and I found that going outside was refreshing. I hated the physicians who came in and made me do exercises with my legs and arms. They felt silly and filled with pain.

     "They will help you regain muscle and strength so that you can walk again, missy." The old, English physician had told me when we first started. 

    At first, he was unnerved that I would not speak and used to drone on for hours about subjects that I did not understand nor care to hear about. He bored me to death with stories of his other patients or histories and stories from the old lands. Histories of England and such were so boring. If I didn't hurt so bad when I did my exercises, I would have fallen asleep. Yet, when he would tell his "histories" of the Old Lands, I found that I listened so intently to them that my pain seemed to disappear. 

    I loved hearing about fairies and elves and dwarves and the battles that ensued and everything he knew about all the majickal creatures that once had the freedom to live freely in Nah-Alba. He knew that these stories piqued my interest, and so he continued with them, drawing vivid images in my mind, painting beautiful pictures as he told his stories, before I knew it, our time was up, and he was leaving for the day. Over time, he became a favorite part of the day for me, apart from my regular visits to the garden after he had gone. I found that breaking my fast in the gardens started my day off in a good way, and supping in them ended my day the same. No matter how bad my day was between breakfast and supper, I could always count on ending my days on good terms.

    “Idrenniel, how long do we allow her silence?” I overheard Uncle Albion speaking in hushed voices, thinking that I was asleep.

    “I will let you know when it is time.  Right now, she has a lot going through her head, a lot happening inside her heart.  She is afraid to do something wrong again, she feels like no matter what she does, it is wrong.  The one day that she blurted out to you what she was really feeling, your shock and silence did more damage, I am afraid, than it did good.  I know, don’t give me that look, I know what yer gonna say, I understand, but all the same, she felt as if she had said all the wrong things at that moment. Now she is punishing herself, she doesn’t feel like it’s punishing us, she thinks that it’s just punishing herself.”  Idhrenniel said.  “She will come around soon, don’t worry. She is being pulled out of her shell, her physicians are helping with that.”  Silence fell, and I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

    In my dreams at night I relived the day my family died every single night.  I could feel the fire burning my skin again, I could feel my bones breaking as my father threw me from the house.  None of that carried the amount of horror and feelings as hearing my family screaming again, and the longing for them to stop, and the relief I felt when they did stop. These dreams alone were enough to unhinge a full grown warrior, but the effect they had on such a young mind was horrendous.  My mind was reaching it’s breaking point, I had already tried to end my suffering once, that didn’t work out for me, but what if I didn’t do it to end the suffering, but to cope with it?  What if it was a way for me to deal with the pain, to deal with the nightmares, to keep my mind from breaking? I reasoned that as long as I did not use it for the means of ending my life, then it would be alright.  Shallow cuts, nothing too deep, it would alleviate my pain and help me to focus and concentrate and keep my mind off the breaking edge.

    I sat up just slightly in my bed, trying not to alert anyone to my being awake, “Mistress, did you need something?” a maid spoke up, a candle flickered alive, and there was a rustling of people moving about. 

“What is it, Ary? What’s wrong?”  Uncle Albion had come to sit on the edge of my bed and hold my hand.

    I looked deep into his eyes, searching his very soul, all he wanted was to help, there was only compassion there. 

    “Uncle, my mind, I feel like it’s going to break.  I do not think I know how to live with this pain.”

    “What pain, little one, tell me about it?  Perhaps together we can shoulder this burden.”

    “Everytime I close my eyes, I relive that night.  Every time I sleep, I can feel the fire burning me, I can feel the heat of the flames, I can smell the smoke, and my family burning.  I can hear them screaming and I canna make it stop …” There was no fire in my voice, there was no ice either.  My voice was flat, monotone, emotionless.  I was exhausted, and I just wanted it all to end.  “I know that they are gone, I know that they cannae come back, I understand that.  But why can I not make the screaming end?” 

    “By talking about it. By not enduring this alone, by letting us help you with this. This is a burden too big for you to carry alone. This is a burden that each of us can help you with, all you have to do is share it with us.”  Idhrenniel said softly, tears glistening on her face in the candle light.

    I nodded my head, closed my eyes and took a deep steadying breath. “Is now a good time, then, or shall I talk in the morning?” I asked, unsure of how to do this.

“Now is always the best time, little one.” Uncle Albion said.

    I nodded my head and asked, “Can I, maybe, sit by the fire?” I asked before getting started, I was trembling so hard my teeth were chattering, I hoped the fire would help.  Uncle Albion helped me into my wheeled chair and put a thick fur blanket over my legs and rolled me over to sit in front of the fire.  I sat for a while without speaking, just gazing into the flames calmed my mind.  I sat thinking about where I wanted to begin, what I was willing to let them know, how deep was I willing to let them in?  I decided to tell them everything, because they would see right through a half lie.

    I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and cleared my throat.  “I am going to start this off with saying how I am feeling right now, the thoughts and feelings running through my mind and my heart right now.  This is not to make you feel sorry for me, this is because it is the best way to begin.

    I am feeling the pain of a thousand knives stabbing me in the heart, the pain of the fire, burning my lungs with every breath. The weight of the world feels like it is pressing down on my chest and shoulders right now.  I feel empty.  I feel like I don’t want to keep going, I don’t want to keep enduring this pain. Every night I go to sleep, I relive that night with vivid clarity. I can smell the fire, I can taste the smoke in my mouth, feel it burn my throat and my chest again. I can feel the heat of the fire as it gets closer to me, I can feel it burn me again.  I can feel my father’s arms around me, I can hear his voice echoing in my mind, I can still smell his musky tobacco scent, I can still feel my bones break as he throws me from the front door.  Worse of all, I can hear them screaming in my mind, I can hear them screaming and I can remember begging for the screams to stop, begging and sobbing and begging for the screams to end, and I remember the relief when they did end, and I feel shameful of that relief.  I feel guilty for surviving, I feel guilty for being alive, for having a life to live when I should have died in that fire with them!” I broke off, sobbing into my hands, trying to regain control of myself, gasping for breath.

    “That’s it, let it all out, stop holding it in, just let it go.” Rothaniel’s voice surprised me, I had not expected him to be in the room with them.  After several minutes, I lifted my head, still gulping for breath, but more able to control myself.

    “I admit that what I did was cowardly, selfish and not okay, but I just didn’t think that I could continue underneath the massive weight of this grief and anger.  Mum helped me understand that what I did was wrong, and that I would not be able to see them in the afterlife if I did that.  The Creator was gracious, he gave me another chance.”  I said solemnly.

    “You saw yer mum??” Idhrenniel asked shocked.

    “Aye.” I smiled a bit.

    Lass, why did ya no tell me this?

    I didna think it important?

    This is huge! Yeh have no idea what this means, do ya?

    Apparently not. 

    Did yeh see yer da’ too??

    No, Da’ weren’t there with her, just mum.

    Interesting.

    “I am okay, for right now. My darkness has  passed and I am feeling quite sleepy, I would like to go back to bed please.” I said, eyes drooping, head lolling as I nodded off to sleep. 

    When I woke up next, the room was silent, the air felt stale, it was midday or thereabouts. I raised my head, cautiously, no one came running, there was no rustling of bodies moving.  I found this odd, hard to believe.  Then I took note of my surroundings, my room was in disrepair, moth eaten curtains hung around my bed, my blankets were falling apart.  The fireplace, that usually had a fire in it, had not been used for many years. There was no one in my room, nor was there anyone outside my room. Slowly I sat up, moved my head around, there was no pain, I could move my head, my arms, my legs all with zero pain.  Cautiously I swung my legs over the side of the bed and gingerly jumped down onto them.  Man! It felt good to do that again! I smiled to myself, lost in the moment of no pain, that I forgot that something was terribly wrong with the castle.  There was an eerie silence that had befallen the castle, no birds were chirping, not insects making their noises, no hustle and bustle of servants and guards out in the hallway. I frowned to myself and crept out of my rooms.

    The hallways were deserted, no one was here.

    This is odd... Where is everyone? 

    Goose Pimples covered my flesh as a voice crept, unbidden, into my mind. 

    They are all dead. 

    Dead?! How!? They were just alive! Alive and well! What has happened!?

    This is the world 30 years from when you went to sleep, as it would be if you died like you so desperately want to.  Everything and everyone that you know and love would be wiped from existence.  You see, everything that you stand for, everything that you are, prevents the war that ravishes the kingdom for ten long years, without you, the whole kingdom falls, the mystical creatures devour and r****h the humans, and then turn upon themselves and destroy themselves, there is nothing left on Nah-Alba but decay and destruction.  You were created for a reason, and without you, this is what becomes of the kingdom.

I felt a chill run through me, I did not understand.

    When you say that I was created for a reason, that without me, the kingdom falls into destruction?

    Not just destruction, little one, mass g******e. Species against species, then against their own kind.

    Without someone to keep the peace, to rule both realms, this is what happens.  Ary, you alone are the key to keeping the balance.  You alone are the key to life in the kingdom!

    But, surely, if I die, then someone else will rise up in my stead, someone else will be able to rise up and create peace?

    Ary, do you even know who you are? Who you truly are?

    My mind went blank, I did not know how to answer this question.

    Child, you are heir to the kingdom, heir to the throne of Nah-Alba, and heir to the throne of Avalon. You are a dual princess, dual heir to two kingdoms.  You are the key to keeping peace and balancing out nature and majick. 

    The scene in front of me swirled and I was suddenly flying high in the sky up above Nah-Alba.  The kingdom, the island, it was just ruins now, the castle was nothing more than just rubble.  Piles of stone and dirt. A deep resonating sadness filled my whole body, my very soul felt the emptiness and the scarring from the destruction of the kingdoms.  

    Send me back, I want to live, send me back! I screamed to the faceless voice.

    I sat straight up in my bed, gasping and gulping for air, every fiber of my body trembling.  Sweat ran down my face, my face was white and colorless.

    “ACH! Lass! What happened?” Idhrenniel rushed to my side, feeling me for fever, “Get her to the fire, she’s ice cold!” Idhrenniel barked to someone hovering close by.

Two strong arms lifted me up off the bed and carried me over to the fire, someone scooted a heavy chair close to the fire so that whoever was holding me could sit down, a large fur blanket was tucked in around me.  

    Hours might have passed, days even, and I would not have known it. I sat gazing into the fire, remembering the castle, Nah-Alba in ruins. The emptiness of the kingdom haunted me. 

A’lurejah, you’re in a terrible state, talk to me, tell me what happened?” Idhrenniel’s voice was like a faint whisper in the very back of my mind, like a distant memory. I sat silent, trembling, unaware of what was happening around me, or who was holding me.  

It might have been days later, but the next thing I remember was being doused in freezing cold water.

    I gasped and gulped for air and shuddered violently as the cold water hit me. It had done its job and woke me up, I blinked and looked around, a fresh wave of shivering came over me.

“Where am I?” I asked, confused.

    ”A’lurejah, you’re in the castle, in your rooms, do you know who I am?”

    “Yes, but what happened? I remember… “ I paused, trying to remember what I remembered. Suddenly the horrid dream came back to me and my face turned pale white again.

    “You know, I think she is in shock!” Uncle Albion said.

    “No, I am sorry, I just remembered a dream that I had… That’s all, nothing more. Just a dream.” I said as airily as I could, it was, after all, just a dream.  Or so I kept telling myself.

Spill, whatever woke you up had you pale white, like a ghost, ice cold, unmoving, trembling for well over twelve hours. 

    I remember going to sleep, and then I woke up and the castle was in ruins, my blankets and sheets and curtains were all moth eaten and old, fell apart around me at the slightest touch.  I got up and walked through the castle, looking for anyone and no one was here, so I said “where is everyone?” and then this voice in my head said, “They are dead.”  When I asked what happened he said that this is what fate awaits Nah-Alba if I die, he said that I am a dual heir to the thrones of Nah-Alba and Avalon. He said that I am half fae half human. He said that without me there will be a ten year war that ravishes both humans and majickal creatures alike, that it is a g******e, the majicka realm turns against the humans and devours them, then they turn upon themselves and devour each other until no living creature survives.  The emptiness that I felt, Idhrenniel, it was the worst thing I have ever experienced, I have never felt such sadness, such emptiness, such despair.

Idhrenniel stayed silent, unsure of what to say or how to respond to me. I certainly wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t believe me. I could hardly believe it myself. 

Uncle Albion put me back in bed and covered me up tightly with my thick fur blanket on top of the other blankets I had on my bed. He bent over and kissed my forehead, “Goodnight little one. Sweet dreams, we will be here when you wake up.” He smoothed my hair back and caressed my face and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.