The Bone Maiden

The Nine of Swords

Despite Theresa’s sudden death, school continued on schedule. I’d spent the remainder of my winter break locked up in my room. Literally. To keep me from sleepwalking. I didn’t take any shifts at work. I didn’t finish any of my winter school projects. I did nothing but sleep in the dark, whispering apologies to Theresa whenever I felt her nearby. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to go back to school, but Ariel thought it would be best for me to try and get my life back to normal. I didn’t know how I’d ever be normal without the one person who kept me grounded.

Her name was on everyone’s lips that day. I walked into school with my head low, so I didn’t have to see the stares or sympathetic greetings. They came anyway. There were fliers with her picture. We had a suicide awareness assembly. I was reminded that I had to attend grief counseling at the end of the day. Every discussion all day long in every single class. Theresa Collier hung herself from the rafters of her barn.

Since I started high school, I met with the grief counseling group every week. But after my last class for the day, I decided I’d rather be anywhere else. I didn’t want to see their faces or talk about Theresa anymore. She was the only thing that made the class bearable. We relied on each other to get through it. And now I was alone.

So when I reached the hall, I turned on my heel and headed back in the opposite direction. I would just walk home. It was already too late to catch a bus and Mark, and Ariel were both at the restaurant until five. I could have gone in to help, but I didn’t want to have to explain that I’d ditched grief counseling.

I stepped outside and looked over the parking lot, just hoping to catch a glimpse of someone I knew well enough to ask for a ride. But the cars were all staff or unfamiliar. Except for a solid black Charger parked on the curb. Shiny and in mint condition despite being older than me. A boy was leaning against it, kicking the rocks at his feet with his hands in his coat pocket.

He looked up when I approached and nodded. His eyes weren’t glassy or red this time. I didn’t know him well enough to be able to read his emotions.

“I figured you’d ditch,” Gabriel said.

“How’d you know I’d be here?”

“Theresa told me. Every Tuesday since freshman year.”

“And what made you think I didn’t want to be here?”

“Because I wouldn’t have.” He shrugged. “I figured the worst case scenario is that I’d have to wait.”

“Why are you here?”

“I didn’t think you’d want to be alone. Just having someone sit next to you is better therapy than a room full of people studying how you grieve.” I nodded slowly.

“In a school full of people preaching suicide prevention. Yeah, sounds about right.”

“Need a ride?”

“I only have two places to go. Home or work and I don’t really want to go to either.”

“You know that rock formation in the woods? The one that looks like a heart?”

“Yeah, Theresa and I went there a lot.”

“Hop in.”

He pushed himself off the car and walked around to the driver’s side. I opened the door and plopped my backpack down on the floor. I didn’t know why he wanted to hang out with me. But spending time with Theresa’s boyfriend seemed a lot more appealing than her counseling group.

Gabriel turned the key, and the engine let out a low deep purr. My dad was rebuilding an old mustang before he died. It was the car we took to the hospital after my mom fell down the stairs. I remembered the sound of that engine right before the driver’s side window crushed his skull.

The rock formation was the scene of a lot of parties and where most kids ditched school. But usually only in the summer when it was warm. Now it was probably secluded.

I wasn’t accustomed to going anywhere alone with anyone other than Theresa and my family. If she were still alive, I wouldn’t even have gone with the both of them. But a strange thing happens when a person loses someone they love. Self-preservation instincts take a drop. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Gabriel, just that I didn’t know him well enough to have an opinion about him. I just wasn’t thinking about my own safety. The only note I made was the reminder that I got cell service in the woods.

The ride to the trails was relatively short. Even though Gabriel lived in the city, he seemed to know exactly where to go. He parked his car on the side of the road, and we got out without a word. I hugged my jacket to myself and followed him down the trail that led to the strange formation of rocks.

It was a little ways off the trail, so we didn’t have to walk in silence for too long before breaking off and following a small dirt path toward the creek. We both took seats on cold rocks and continued the silence there instead of in a car.

“Why are you hanging out with me?” I finally asked after a long time of silent contemplation. I was thinking about the last time I’d been there. With Theresa, just before we got into that fight that made her so upset she couldn’t come to me for help when she wanted to end her own life. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Luckily, Gabriel was gazing off toward the rock formation, oddly piled to make the shape of a heart.

“Theresa loved you,” he said quietly, almost drowned out by the volume of the swollen creek. “I guess I just felt like I owe it to her to make sure her best friend is okay.” I reached up to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

“It’s my fault, you know. That she’s dead,” I said. He turned to look at me, finally realizing I’d been crying. But he didn’t move to offer me comfort. I was glad for that. I’d gotten enough of the touchy-feely comfort from my aunt and uncle.

“What makes you say that?” I shrugged.

“Things just—die around me. My grandparents, my parents, my dog. Now Theresa.”

“Death is a normal part of life. Some people are just unlucky.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“So you believe what—it’s magic?” I almost thought he was scoffing at me. Making fun of me for blaming myself. But when I looked up, he was looking back at me thoughtfully. His blue eyes studying me intensely. I looked at the rocks. I’d forgotten that it wasn’t just a local teen party spot. It was the perfect summer make-out spot too.

“Don’t patronize me,” I muttered.

“I’m not,” he replied with a sigh. He slapped his legs in frustration. “Look, it’s not your fault, alright? Don’t—don’t beat yourself up over it. There was a lot you didn’t know about Theresa. A lot she kept from you.” I glared at him.

“She told me everything.” Now he really was making fun of me. He gave a half-sarcastic laugh and looked out at the trees.

“You know how many times I’ve been here with her? How many times she used to ditch classes to come here with me? I know this town as well as you do. How come we never met, Bax? Not once. You know I didn’t even think you were real until a few months ago.”

“You thought she was lying about me?”

“Can you blame me? She talked about you. All the time. Bax did this. Bax said that. But she wouldn’t let me meet you. Wouldn’t let me talk to you whenever you called. Wouldn’t even let me see a picture of you. Don’t you think that’s a little weird?” I stood up and crossed my arms to pace.

“She wouldn’t let me see you either.”

“Exactly.”

“But why?”

“Because she was jealous, Bax.” I shot him another glare and turned away.

“She had no reason to be jealous.” He snorted. All the demeanor of a rich boy trying to impress people had flown out the window the further we got into the woods. He was just an average boy now. Slouched and hurt and apparently in the anger stage of grief.

“You’re joking, right?” he said. “You saved her. That’s what she told me. You came into her life in a dark time, and you made her feel alive again. That’s what she said.”

“But why would she be jealous of me?” I snapped, looking at him. His eyebrows rose.

“Well, I have to admit. First, I thought maybe she kept you from me because she was in love with you.” Now I scoffed and turned away. “You were everything she wanted to be.” I tried to retort, but he didn’t let me get it out. “It doesn’t make sense to you now. I can see that. But it’s the truth. And there’s so much more to it than I want to tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because it would hurt you.”

“Why do you care if I’m hurt?”

“I just told you. I feel like I owe it to her to take care of you.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me.”

“Physically? No. Emotionally? Maybe. Look, I get it. You think you knew her better than anyone. And maybe you knew things about her that she never told me. But I knew things she never told you. And she wasn’t some—goddamn saint like you seem to think.” I picked up a rock and threw it at him. Thankfully, he was quick and dodged it, or I would have felt really guilty. But I didn’t have time for that. Since I’d already stormed away back toward the trail.

“Bax, wait,” he said, sounding more frustrated than anything else. “I’m not trying to upset you. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you say that?” I asked, rounding on him. He was at least a full head taller than me, but he looked so small and tired in the woods under an overcast sky. Theresa’s death was a weight on him too. But I wanted to believe he’d loved her. Even half as much as I did.

“I just don’t want you to blame yourself, alright? You think you did something wrong or that it’s somehow your fault. Maybe you really do believe it’s some kind of magic. I don’t know. Just—don’t. Theresa wasn’t happy. She never had been.”

“I know she wasn’t happy.”

“No, Bax, you don’t. You don’t know just how unhappy she was. And that’s me trying to put it nicely. Theresa wasn’t just unhappy. She was—seriously f****d up. But she kept that from you because she wanted you to love her. More than that. She wanted to be better than you. So don’t—blame yourself for what she did. But don’t worship her memory either.”

“I thought you loved her.”

“I don’t—I don’t know. I thought I did too. Maybe for a while I really did. But she never hid her demons from me. Not the way she hid them from you.”

“So you think she was jealous of me?” I asked. He shook his head again and sighed.

“I know she was. She told me so. She was drunk. Wouldn’t have admitted it otherwise.”

“What was she afraid of exactly?”

“That I’d love you more than her.” I laughed sarcastically and stepped away again. He looked momentarily offended. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“Yeah, Gabriel, it is. Theresa was—Theresa. And I’m just—I don’t even know who I am. Definitely not someone she ever had to worry about. That’s for sure.”

“I don’t even think Theresa knew who she was. But whatever she saw in you, she must have thought it was special enough to be threatened by. I just don’t know if she was more afraid of me seeing you, or you seeing me.”

“Okay, well, thanks for the pep-talk. I’m gonna head home. I’ll walk.”

“I can give you a ride.”

“I know you can. I don’t want one. Walked a million times. I’ll be fine.” I turned and headed toward the trail. He didn’t follow.