Red

Wishful Thinking

Dear myself,

Life is like a sad song. Beautiful but yet feels as if you are being stabbed in the heart. You try to take it in as the tears slip down your face. You feel them sneak pass your checks and laugh. It's been so loud since you were though.

Crying everyday before bed. Head beating from all the tears that left. I honestly do this everyday. You might now because this is writing to myself by myself. I can need to get everything on paper.

Someday, I'll be gone. That's my promise, be it sooner than later. It will happen. I don't want to kill myself. I really don't want to do it. I already started doing stuff that I never wanted to do so there is no guarantee that I wouldn't do it.

I want to be able to write songs, put music together, and share about my story. I want to be able to help someone be strong. I want to be able to sing and perform with some of my closest friend in front of thousands of people. It's my dream. My impossible dream.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to actually have my dreams come true. I can hear people cheering and screaming out for us. People are happy, some even crying tears of joy. I jump off the stage and head into the crowd. People are excited to see me.

I want to be the one to help me. Is that selfish? I want to feel as if I can make a difference in people's life. I want to make people happy and, maybe, even be happy myself. It's a silly dream. It can't ever happen.

My mom says I can't help people if I can't help myself. I believe, no, I know part of that statement is true. I can't help myself, with everything that happened around me, to me. I will never be be completely put back together. That doesn't mean I can't try to help people to never turn out like me.

I was homeless before. I had drugs, addictions, alcohol, teenage pregnancy, r**e, abuse, and even suicide that messed with my life or the people around me. I think I am more than quality to help other out with these problems.

Sure I may not go out talking about all of my problem but if it helps someone then I will. I will do anything to help someone smile. Actually smile, no faking it just smiles. I want to people to be happy not just around me but everyday.

I want to make meaningful music that can speak to people. I want my music to be spread out and touch people in positive ways. I want to fill people with hope, love, and happiness. This is my dream and I will do anything for to help the people who need it. Even the worst of them.

We all go through bad things in life. It's not something new but people can get better to a point where nothing can hurt them. If we stand together and help others we can get through anything. I want people to know that. I want people to understand how to build others up can benefit both of them. You can cheer someone and they will trust you so when you need them they'll be there.

I want to tell people this and help them. I want to be able to reach out to others. This is my dream. I really want to do this for a living. For me, the money, fame, and power doesn't matter. It's the message I want to spread. The hope I want to bring. The music I want to create. The melodies I want to sing. The people I want to meet. Sure, money, fame, and money may be something other people want but for me. Just being able to help and to have my message out there. That's good enough for me.

Maybe someday that can actually happen. But that may be a lot to wish for.

Until that day,

Ana