Red

Helpless

I don't think I am a harsh person. Just if you piss me off I will either stop talking to someone or snap. Say I just randomly was talking to someone and they say something I really wouldn't want to hear. I will stop talking and look away. If they keep going at that topic which bugs me or gets on my nerves.

This will cause me to snap. I will point out things that I notice about them that I don’t like or that bugs me. I hate doing this but if I snap there is no going back.

I snapped this morning. At my mom, nevertheless. She was going on and on about how we are never ready. Then she started asking questions. Why were we always ready when she wasn't home? She wanted an answer so I gave her the truth.

When she wasn't home no one yelled at us. She would wake us up or we will wake ourselves up, get ready, and relax before going out. During the summer if we need to go somewhere we walked.

For us everything was at least a mile or two away. I would wake up my siblings. Get them some breakfast and we will head out two hours early. We will always be early by an hour or so. Then we would go to the park for a little bit. I would sit down and read a book or talk to someone. My siblings will play on the playground with any other kids that come.

The reason we are always on time or early is because I got really good time management. The longest it took us to walk to Trinity in Wausau was two hours the shortest was thirty minutes which is two miles away. So I always have us leave two hours before we need to be there. Then I will make sure we go at a good speed that will allow us some breaks.

We run across streets and my sister will run ahead for a little bit. When we are all together we sing and kind of dance while walking.

The difference between mom and me is I don't yell unless I have to. I mean, if we need to leave the house at 5:00 and it is 4:50 then I will yell. I will not be like, 'you need to get up now or you'll make me late! Stop being so lazy!' I just yell 'we need to go now' and go get food for them. Make sure they are up and pretty much ready before getting all of us out of the door.

This is the major topic of this morning. Why are we always ready when mom isn't there? It's because I wake them up calmly most of the time and we get time to relax. Even if we need to hurry out the door and walk. We sing, dance, play games, or whatever to pass the time.

After this conversation was doing I said my daily goodbyes and head inside to the school. I had a painting in my hands and asked my brother to carry the other one. I made two paintings for my friends and was giving to them today.

It was very hard and stressful to do. It took seven hours for both of these paintings. It turned out pretty good and they loved it. I never been more proud of myself. I don’t do a lot of good stuff. I am not that talented but this. This painting thing that I just did. I never been so proud of the time and effort I put into something.

This writing thing it not hard. Whatever that comes to my mind I write down. It is especially easy when I am writing about my life or my thoughts. I don't need to think just do. Those paintings, I was taking all of my focus and energy to do that.

I am so glad I did it though. Mostly because when I was done I was so shocked and proud of how it turned out. It's amazing what you could do when you put all of you heart, mind, and focus into your work.

Other than that, my day been pretty basic. I was talking to some new people. I was talking to this guy I use to be friends with. I don't know how to say that I don't want him back in my life. I just said goodbye.

He is not going to come back into my life just like that. He was involved with my old friend. I'll call her C. So the thing is C was a jerk. She was lying to me from the start. She was abusive and clingy. I was blind to all of this and pushed it away because she was my only friend at the time.

So This guy, I'll call him B. B meet C before. And said that he didn't like her.

Ok, let me go back a little a bit. So I took C to this camping trip and on the way I was telling her about the people we were going to be with. I was talking about this one guy. His name is going to be O. I told her about O and was talking to her on the way.

She wasn't listening just asked if there is any cute guys. This is flag number one. I just stop and said "Well, there is O." That got her attention. She told me to tell her about him. I told her the truth. "He is really nice, sweet, athletic, and also mostly mature. He is a gentleman." Then I told her about the first thing he said to me.

She didn't really care but she did listen. She asked if I liked him which I did just didn't want to say it out loud or someone will tell their family. O's family likes me and was fine when O did like me. At least as much as I know. I denied it and blushed.

When we got there I set up the tent while she worries about not being able to talk to her boyfriend. Then she saw O and started to flirt with him. Flag number two goes to the cheating slut. I introduce her to him and everyone started to make fun of her.

I called her out on flirting and she blows it off. She was talking to O and being a little too friendly. Flag number three. She literally pushes me away to go be with O. After the whole trip was over, I went to help her on her homework from may. It was the end of June.

When we got to her house she started talking to O. She rolled around squealing about how cute he is. She wouldn't even do her homework and told me to do it. Flag number four and flag five for being shallow.

She never listen to what O had to say. She just liked him because she thought he was cute. He was so much more than that. I told her to calm down since she had a boyfriend but she just talked about him. Flag number six.

A month later she complained that her boyfriend broke up with her. She needed to be cheered up and the next day she found out he was cheating on her.

Wait, so you were going to hookup with O because your boyfriend is too far away. So you think it's ok to cheat and get all offended because he cheated on you? Ok, two flags for that, seven and eight.

So I comforted her and cheer her up. Then she started talking about going out with O again. She asked if she should stop talking to him and if I liked it. I told her she can keep talking to him and he is a nice guy. I told a bunch of things about him and smile.

A little bit later I finally told her I like him. She freaked out about how she liked him and I should of told her. The thing is I didn't know I still liked until later on. Now I know and I regret never saying anything. But thing is it was a bad thing I never told her and I admit that but what she did after that.

She told me because she gets jealous easy I can't talk to him. If something happens since she kissed him I can't ever be with him even if he still liked me. Flags nine and ten. He stop talking to her after that and she started like someone else.

I told that she can't really tell me what to do. I gave her the opportunity to meet him. I told her it was ok with me to go around and hang out with him. She left me after she said she wanted to hang out with me because of him. But the worst thing is this girl thought it would be a good idea to lie and gossip behind my back.

She ruined my friendships and made people that I cared out mad at me. She lied and acted as she was innocent to get me to forget about it. I hated it. How she lied and said she wouldn't ever do that. I just laughed at her stupidity.

Everytime she lied I laughed. Why? Because she told me the first time we met that she never lies. She said she is always straightforward and honest. B was involved in a lie of hers. He hated me and now he is talking to me.

I don't know why and I don't want to know. I don't want to talk to him anymore because he believed her. He didn't even trust me when I told him it wasn't true. I never lied to him. I don't typically lie unless it is to my mom about doing something. I will also lie to keep a secret of my friends so no one will question it.

I stopped talking to him. I don't want to be involved with him at all. Him and C can just leave my life forever. I don't want them to be around me if they are not going to hurt me.

I am glad I am done with them. With him. With her. I wish them the best as long as I'm not involved. They don't need me and I don't need them.

With them, I'm helpless. I can't do anything to help myself and I'm done. Done with this statement.

On the other note, I'm memorizing Hamilton music. The song Non-Stop is beautifully composed and the blend between the songs are practically flawless. I also really like Helpless and Satisfied.

I love pretty much all of the Broadway songs that I know. If I was given a chance to sing in a Broadway musical I would do it without hesitation. I started memorizing Non-Stop before bed and also got it down. I replayed the song about five time and started to doze off.

I love this song.