Red

Flesh and Blood

Dear myself,

I know this is stupid to do just I got a lot on my mind right now. First thing, who the hell do he think he is? Bringing children, his own flesh and blood into the world just to torture and watch them suffer? I wish he never met my mother. I wish he just left her alone. Sure I wouldn't be here but hey she would be happy.I don't remember ever seeing her actually happy. I wish I could see her happy. I hate it when she yells. She's been yelling a lot more then when we were with our father. She is also more cruel and angry now. Doesn't she know the last thing we need is to be constantly yelled at about our flaws, our mistakes?

My brother he is something else. He is just like dad. No one likes him. He is a jerk and very 'touchy.' I hate that he is so much like that motherf- I better not say it. What my brother wants he will do anything to get, just like that son of a dog. I wish he was innocent. Like our sister.

But even the innocent has problems. She cries about everything and was attacked. She is only couple years younger than my brother. Yet she is still the baby of the family. She will actually cry to get out of things or to get what she wants. It annoys me alot.

Last is me, the oldest child, the most dysfunctional. I am mentally ill. I suffer from dad's illnesses, mostly anxiety and depression. I am also slightly bipolar and might have an eating disorder. I rather stay in my room than go out anywhere because I know I am a disappointment. My mom yells at us every single morning and that makes me hate everything more. She yells at me because of the scars. She is the reason I keep running back to it. I can't depend on her at all. I can't tell my counselor or anyone. They would just send me away.

This is my life. My family and me are dysfunctional. I can't stay with any of them. I just need to be alone but they are always there to make things worst. And outside the small apartment of ours is hell. The world is torture to me. It's the reason I can't turn to anyone just the little paper clip I use as a knife. Takes a while but it works. I wish I could stop relying on the paper clip. It just hurts and if you look at my arm. I have no more room there. I need someone, a friend, a therapist, a lover, just someone to help. Someone I can tell everything to and not be afraid of what they think.

Until that day, Ana