Red

A Thought

I am wearing a dress. It's not really a big thing but for me, this is different. It's a sleeveless dress and also short for me. I don’t wear a lot of dresses and if I do; it is knee length. I feel comfortable but yet not at all.

I forgot one thing when I walked out this morning. The school is always freezing. I hate the cold but yet I was born in the north. I spend most of my time in cold weather but I hate it. I have a summer birthday so it is always warm on my birthday.

We never really do much though; just swim. That's pretty much all. I always wanted a birthday party and to actually celebrate it. No one ever comes.

I am going to be 16 on my next birthday. I wish I could have a huge party with people, food, drink, and maybe even presents. I don't really get presents for my birthday anymore. My mom and grandparents will just buy something I look at right on the spot.

It's not special; that's why I don't like it. I like just getting stuff on my birthday. I want people to be around and have wrapped boxes. I want to be able to open it and actually have a general reaction.

I want a celebration but I can't have that, can I?

I am hurt and inside feel like crying. This birthday thing always bugged me. Maybe I need to plan it online and way ahead of time. Maybe I should post it on f*******: or something? Send out invitations over snapchat?

I should stop thinking about this. It will never happen. I don't have connections or any friends really. In order to have an bowling party or something I that I need six people besides my family. I only have two friends who most likely wouldn't come.

Maybe if I asked for help from someone who is better with people. They could get people to come and I could throw a party on my half-birthday. Then it wouldn't be in the summer and more people could come, right?

I am done with this topic. I am going to drop it. I just needed to rant a little bit.

I can't believe it is already december. There is no snow and it is amazing. I can't say I absolutely hate the snow. I don't like the cold.

I'll go outside looking like a giant living marshmallow. Then I will look up at the sky and try to catch the snowflakes. I like it when the snowflakes fall gently into my hair and stays there. It's beautiful and in ways magical.

"Ana, come on. It's time for class." I look up at my friend. I call her blueberry because of her blue hair. When she dyed it for the first time; it smelt like blueberries for two weeks.

"Ok, let's go." I stand up and gather my stuff together. She always comes to the cafeteria in the morning and talks to me. Then she will walk down the hallway with me until I get to my locker.

I put my stuff away and grab my computer, book, and paper binder. I pause for a second. "Oh, I need my pencil!"

I searched through my bag and pull out a pink pencil. I close my locker so it doesn't lock shut and head into the classroom. I went on my chromebook, or computer, and started to type before devotions.

Today's devotions talked about the movie A Christmas Story. I was in a musical based off of that movie. I miss that musical. I had a lot of fun and everything was amazing. I made some friends between the practices and scenes. I also stressed out about costume changes. I was on stage more than I was off. I barely had any time between scenes to change. The top amount of time we had to change was five minutes.

I pretend to focus on my spanish book so I don't get called on to read. I always had trouble focusing on what people say. If it's not about me or to me; it isn't of importance to me. My motto. Well, can't say it is really a motto just something my mother always told me.

Ok, so it's lunch time and I decided that I want extra food. I know, it's stupid of me. I don't eat a lot and today I want more. I didn't the soup. The crackers are in my locker and I put the rice away. I did eat the ice cream.

I don't eat breakfast in the morning or supper at night. I barely even eat lunch. I will eat ice cream and sweets. Also, because I can end up getting hungry and wanting something small; I'll bring rice.

It's not a lot but it is enough to not make me look anorexic.

People tried to get me to show them that my dress was dress code appropriate. It is and I checked. I wouldn't go to school if I knew my outfit wasn't appropriate. I'm tired and I don't care what people think.

I always care about what people think of me and generally scared of embarrassing myself. I prefer to hide in a corner than to do anything in front of people. I never knew how to address or talk to people so I never spoke much.

I am getting better with speaking but still rather hide in a corner. I still have my problems, my flaws. It will never go away just I can get more use to them. I don't believe that people can change just get better.

The flaws and shadow of what they were used to like will always be there. Like one of the songs I listen to say. Well, the season change but people don't. (FOB) I watched people change into someone else but that wasn't them.

It was peer-pressure to be someone else; someone their not. My best friend changed because of the people she thought she trusted. She went crazy and became one of them but they didn't actually know her.

School ended and my mom comes to watch my brother play basketball. I got a message from B again. I don't want to talk to him but he use to be such a good friend so I replied. I told him that I didn't want to talk but he asked why.

I told him that he believe C's lies more than me and I can't deal with that unless he apologize. He blamed me for cheating on him and never gave me a chance to explain the truth. I didn't even know that we were actually a couple. He never asked me out or to be his girlfriend. He just told me that he can’t date until he is sixteen.

I am sorry for being confused. I didn’t know that that meant we were dating. I explain as much as I could before my mom asked to take over. She sat there asking if what she said is good enough for me.

He made me feel as if I was the guilty one. I didn't do anything but to try to get the truth to him. I want him to understand-no, I need him to understand. C hurt me a lot already. He is younger, unaware of her lies, her abuse.

She lied to him about me. I didn't lie to him, I didn't cheat on him. I never even had the chance to tell him about my anxiety and depression. He didn't know how badly I was hurt from her, my old friend, and my dad. He didn't know about the scars.

He doesn't know that every word is like a knife in my heart. It's unbearable. I can't stand this but I can't leave it alone. I am a sensitive person but at times I can be heartless. I will call people out if they done me wrong. It's not going to hurt me if I tell the truth.

I don't want to see him go through what I went through with her but he doesn't believe me. I just the best way to get him to believe is to leave him get hurt. If he doesn't want to listen to me then he will understand why he shouldn't of believed her.

I don't want to see him hurt but if he doesn't want to listen then so be it. Boys will be boys after all. If he was smart he would've at least listen to me or try to talk it out.

Ok, now that I am done with my rant for now I am going to talk about a good people. First one is H. She is an amazing person! She is there to talk when I am bored or need someone to talk to. She is understanding and just incredibly. I admit, I heard C tell me really bad things about her and that I shouldn't trust her. She isn't bad at all. I think C was jealous of her.

H is an amazing and caring person.

Then there is also A and E but I don't feel comfortable telling all of this stuff to them. It's not I dislike them. Their nice and my friends but don't want to dump this on them. They wouldn't know what to do if I told them.

They're all amazing.