I Want a Divorce

6. Vanishing

—You're not wearing a bra? —he asked in a louder voice than I would have liked, and I felt everyone turn to look at me.

I widened my eyes to show that I didn't want to answer that, but my husband's lack of tact made him open his mouth once more.

—It's just that, with the neckline of your dress, it looks like you're not wearing one, your breasts look unsupported.

I swear, at that moment, I wanted to slap Ivo, but people were watching us and that was something I couldn't allow myself, according to my upbringing: a lady never causes a scene in public, she behaves with dignity and shows her education. Forget that, those words had hurt me deeply, If my breasts were no longer as firm as before, it was because I had breastfed his two children.

I shot him a withering glare, reflecting the exhaustion I felt from hearing such nonsense, while the waiter spoke over the background music and handed us a folder with the bill. Ivo paid no attention to my reaction. Instead, he looked for his wallet and pulled out some bills to settle the account.

—I think I ate too much, —he blurted as he stood and put on his jacket—. Shall we go?

I simply nodded, the waiter pulled out of my chair and I stood up, and, imitating my husband, I put my coat over my shoulders. Ivo extended his arm for me to take it, but I didn't. I just walked to the exit and waited for him outside, along with our car. As soon as I got in, Ivo played music on the car's player, “Gravity” by John Mayer and drove in silence to a convenience store near the house.

—What's wrong with you? —he inquired, with his deep voice, breaking the silence— You've been acting very strange throughout dinner.

I couldn't believe he didn't realize everything his attitude was causing me. I brought my left hand to my face in frustration, running it over my entire outline and ending up covering my mouth. I didn't want to answer, but Ivo pressed me again.

—Regina? What's wrong?

—Ivo, how do you expect me to be? —I said, unable to hold back, the words came out with emotional weight, all my frustration was finally expressed— You're always glued to your phone, working or watching videos, you don't talk to me throughout dinner, and then you make a horrible comment about my breasts. How do you expect me to feel after that?

—Let's not start, okay? —he said with a sigh— I'm very sleepy, I'm very tired, it was a long day and the last thing I want is for us to be upset —he wouldn't even let me speak. He abruptly cut off my attempt to explain how I felt, as if my emotions were an inconvenience. We remained silent while he parked. I with a knot in my stomach, he was checking a message that had come in—. I'm going to get out. Do you want any movie to watch? —he proposed, turning off the car right in front of the store, completely changing the subject.

I didn't want to stay silent, I wanted to talk to him, to shout that every day I felt more like a burden and less like his wife. I didn't want to watch a movie either, I wanted to feel desired, loved, I needed to know I was still the woman of his dreams, but it seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fill the role, yet he had no intention of listening to me, which generated even more frustration.

—No, thanks, —I snapped, I had swallowed my words and my emotions, I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a deep abyss, and he couldn't see it.

—Fine, —he said curtly, getting out of the car and entering the store without paying me any attention.

The loneliness and chill in the car were overwhelming; at this point, I would lose my mind and my cool faster than anticipated. I grabbed my purse and got out of the car; I had a terrible habit of eating when I was angry, sad, or anxious, and at this moment, I wanted chocolate to calm the feelings that were quickly building up inside me.

I picked up some bags of chips and peanuts from the shelves, then headed to the freezer section to satisfy my craving with a chocolate and almond-covered ice cream bar. I patiently waited at the counter for the young man to finish with the customer before me and for Ivo to take what he wanted. I was too dressed up for the place I was in, and some customers' gazes were on me; the cashier was staring at me with wide eyes, making me feel uncomfortable, so I left my spot to find my husband by the beer fridge.

I overheard some men murmuring: "She's beautiful," "She's also hot," they said, but I didn't know if they were talking about me or someone else. I hadn't even reached where my husband was when I felt a hand on my arm, tender and warm, along with the familiar, exquisite scent of a woody cologne filling my nostrils.

—Regina? —I turned my head to see the owner of the deep voice in front of me— How are you? Well, no need to answer! Look at you! You look gorgeous! I didn't expect to find you here.

—Kalev, what a pleasure to see you! —I replied, blushing deeply—. Thank you.

—What are you doing here? —he asked with a beautiful sparkle in those blue eyes that characterized him. My colleague's shy smile peeked out from behind his gray-streaked beard and gradually became evident that he was pleased to see me there. He was just four years older than me, but sleepless nights glued to the monitor had given him a more mature appearance.

—What are you doing here? —I replied with much pleasure— I thought you would go with your family or something like that.

Kalev was my colleague at the university where I worked. We were both full-time professors and researchers, but I had my children as a priority, so I arrived at 9 a.m. after dropping them off at school, and as soon as it was 5 p.m., I would rush out of the university to find my kids at my mom's house. This intelligent Russian man in front of me put all his energy into achieving the results he sought in each of his studies. He published numerous articles each year in scientific journals recognized worldwide, and regarding new additives for the food industry, he was quite an authority.

It wasn't just because he was my colleague; I really admired him; he was a simple, cordial, friendly, and of course, very handsome man. All the students and even some professors at the University of Madrid were charmed by him. They said that just listening to him speak was enough to become interested in him; his voice and the cultured words that came out of his mouth were the perfect combination, and his physique melted hearts wherever he went; however, Kalev was always locked in his laboratory, researching, and since I was in the same lab as him, we had something resembling a friendship.

—Yes, that was the idea —he sighed while putting his hands in his pockets—, but my parents went on a trip, and my brothers are busy with their jobs, so I opted to go to work instead of staying home alone.

—But we still have two weeks of vacation —my colleague scratched his head and shrugged.

—I know —he replied while wrinkling his nose—. Is that your husband?

—Yes —I said, not very enthusiastically, seeing Ivo in the distance—, I have to go, Kalev; see you soon. It was nice to see you.

I quickly waved goodbye; Ivo was waiting at the entrance, looking my way with the phone to his ear, holding both our groceries. As soon as he saw me walking towards him, he left the establishment, walking away from the car without stopping his conversation. My husband was gesturing wildly, and his voice was barely audible from a distance; he seemed to be having a tough time. I approached the car to get in, but the locks were engaged, and I let out a frustrated sigh.

—He seems really busy," Kalev's voice interrupted again, perhaps noticing that I couldn't get into the car—, W-what are you doing tomorrow morning?

—Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my kids from my mother's house, but I'll do it in the afternoon —I replied, a bit puzzled.

—How about breakfast with me? —he asked, but noticing my confused eyes, he continued— You can bring your husband, I don't mind. No offense, Regina, but the solitude at home is driving me crazy. I need to talk to someone, or I'll end up putting my paint-covered hand on a volleyball —I laughed; his sense of humor was a bit quirky.

Kalev was single; in all the years he had been teaching at the university, I had never known him to have a girlfriend or even a friend, and his character wasn't the reason. He was actually a very nice guy, at least that's what I thought. We'd worked together for about two years, and that was the impression I had of this charming scientist.

—I'm not sure, I can, Kalev, tomorrow is Sunday, and it's Ivo's day off. But if you want, we can meet on Monday or Tuesday.

Ivo was approaching us again, looking completely upset; something had happened, and I just hoped he didn't have to leave right then. Out of politeness, I stood by Kalev to introduce him to my husband.

—Ivo, this is Kalev, my colleague in the university lab.

—Hi, nice to meet you —he said without looking at him, waving his hand in the air as he placed the grocery bag in the back seat of the car— We have to go, Regina, I need to send an important email as soon as possible.

Kalev, who had extended his hand, was left waiting for my husband to return the gesture, but Ivo was so absorbed that he didn't even notice. The blue-eyed man walked behind me to help me open the car door.

—No need, Kalev," I said, noticing him behind me, "Thanks anyway.

—What do you mean? It's the least I can do, and besides, my truck's right next to yours, so I can't get in unless you do first —I laughed at the tone of voice he used.

—Regina! Please get in —Ivo demanded with much desperation.

—Good night, Kalev," I said as I got into the car, "Ivo, say goodbye.

—See you later, nice to meet you, what was your name again? —my husband commented as he extended his hand to shake that of the researcher, making me feel more embarrassed than him; I wanted to sink into the car seat.

—Kalev Volkov, that's my name —he replied, returning the handshake.

Ivo gave him a heavy look with a forced smile, whereas my colleague seemed happy, though a bit startled by the excessive force with which my husband gripped his hand.

—I was just telling Regina that if you both want, you're invited to breakfast with me tomorrow —he smiled sincerely, then looked at me and emphasized that gesture.

—We'd love to, but I have some things to do, and I don't think we can. Maybe another time —my husband replied with a twisted grimace—, if you'll excuse us, I'm in a bit of a hurry right now. See you later.

Ivo rolled up his window without waiting for Kalev to say goodbye to me and headed home. I was a bit puzzled by what Ivo said, but the atmosphere in the car was very tense, so I didn't want to say a single word.

We didn't take long to get home; just a few minutes later, we were entering through the electric gate. Ivo asked me to bring down the things while he sent an urgent email. I nodded in acknowledgment as he disappeared inside the house.

I left the things on the kitchen island, took out my chocolate-covered ice cream bar, and walked to the bedroom to take off the dress and heels that were torturing my feet.

—Regina! —Ivo's shout echoed in the silence of the house— Where did you leave the things?

—They're in the kitchen —I replied while unwrapping the ice cream bar, craving it voraciously.

—Where exactly?

“How can he not see the bag? I didn't even take the things out; it seems he can't do anything by himself,” I grumbled in my head as I rolled my eyes, as I saw Ivo's head peeking through the closet door.

—They're on the island, in the bag —I sighed.

—I couldn't find them, can you get them? While I set up the movie, please.

Honestly, all I wanted at that very moment was to disappear, to get as far away from my husband as possible, not to see, hear, or even smell him. I was so disappointed in him and his behavior, but I was more disappointed in myself for not being able to react when the moment called for it.

“What's wrong with you, Regina?” I asked myself.

—Regina? —Ivo shouted again, waiting for me to answer.