Hiraeth

Prologue

In the most unfavorable circumstance, the universe will conspire for our hearts in downcast.

In the twinkling of an eye, the moon that has been intentionally hiding behind the misty clouds will come into view to brighten the pitch black skies. The moon that will give us hope; the moon that will make us realize that dark is enchantingly beautiful; the moon that will give us peace of mind; and the moon that will calm the storm inside our hearts.

But in harmony of the reality, the world is designed to rotate on its axis to complete a day.

The dark skies will bleach on the cracking of dawn and the flickering stars will vanish on the peep of day. As the sun rises above the limitless horizon, the moon will recede from the magnificent view.

Once upon a time, I saw a moon.

Among the billion stars blinking from above, it became my favorite companion during the hopeless nights. It showed me a glint of light that made me want to dwell in the dark forever than feel the warmth of the sunlight without its splendor.

"And I believe we all have that kind of person," wika ko sa tapat ng mikropono. "That person who will serve as our very own Luna. The personified satellite present chiefly during the darkest moment of ourlives. And if there is one thing I would like to advice..." I paused when I felt something pinch my heart. "Cherish the moments. Cherish the moments that the person is still there. Because just like the moon..."

'Tulad ng buwan, hindi ako mawawala sa madidilim na parte ng buhay mo,' a voice echoed.

Mapait akong ngumiti.

"Just like the moon, some people were only meant to stay during the dark hours..."

Maybe, that's how life really plays. Plano na rin ni Lord. He will send someone to bear us company during one of the trying times. And I'm not sure which is worse. To have someone who will only be there at your best? Or to have someone whom heaven sent only to accompany you at your worst?

Si Lord talaga, sobrang misteryoso. If I would be given a chance to choose a super power, I'll opt for a two-way communication with Him. A few minutes will do. 'Di naman siguro masama.

Matapos ang mahaba kong speech ay nagpalakpakan ang maliit na crowd. Some are screaming my name. Sa isang sikat na coffee shop sa West End ginanap ang booksigning. Coffee Island is quite popular among the students of London. It is a warehouse-type coffeeshop with a mezzanine floor where busy people mostly sit at with their favorite coffees, computers, and piles of works to be done. Cemented walls are painted white except from the glass curtain wall that deeply penetrates the natural light within the shop. Despite the numerous tables and benches, it has a great conductive space—especially on the bottom floor—where you could set a meeting with your colleagues. This is indeed my best-loved spot and no one would doubt. It has a complete combination of three: good music, good ambience, good menu!

Bumaba ako sa maliit na entablado at sinalubong ang mga ngiti nila. Majority of the crowds are Londoners. Pumatok talaga sa kanila ang libro kong may pamagat na Hiraeth. My heart is full! I almost cried out of frustration just to complete the book with fifty-five chapters—all went through a major revision. Oh well, let's cut the word 'almost'. I really did cry. Iba talaga ang power of emotion. I am too emotionally invested in Luna's story and that's, I think, a good contributing factor. Little did they know, the story of ourlives are much of muchness. Halos pareho lang ang mga salitang nakaimprenta. Pati ang bilang ng pahina, pareho lang din.

Ang pinagkaiba nga lang siguro ay ang characterization. If I were to paint myself, I'll color it black with a streak of yellow. While Luna is the total opposite. She's yellow with few streaks of black. Palibhasa ay mas palaban; mas optimistic. Hindi niya hahayaan na lamunin ng dilim ang liwanag. Ako kasi, nagpatalo.

"Miss Blaire!"

I halted. I am paving my way to the parking lot and ready to meet my daughter when someone, with her high-pitched voice, called my name. I halted halfway and turned my head. Humahangos palapit sa akin ang isang babae na may dalang dalawang libro at may sukbit na hobo bag sa balikat. I smiled when she stopped in front of me, catching her breath.

"Yes?"

"Grabe! Ang layo po ng tinakbo ko, buti naabutan kita!"

My eyes zeroed. Finally, a Filipina! Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagulat pa 'ko. Her complexion speaks 'I'm a natural born Filipina' but I guess it's my homesickness that found it amazeballs.

"Filipino reader niyo po ako, Miss Blaire! Grabe, sobrang ganda po talaga ng story niyo! Hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang attached ako sa k'wento. Binili ko pa nga po 'yung printed version, oh!" Pinakita niya sa 'kin ang dalawang libro, I chuckled. "Kaso... na-late ako ng dating sa book signing mo, Ate. Nag-inarte kasi 'yung alaga ko 'e. Hindi tuloy ako nakapunta kaagad," paliwanag niya at pinaningkit ang mga mata. "Uhm, p'wede pa po bang humabol?" She's smiling sheepishly while handing me the books. My eyes shrank as I stared at it. She pursed her lips. 

Mahina akong tumawa sa ekspresyon ng mukha niya bago tumango. "Okay..."

Impit ang tili niya at parang bata na pumalakpak. I wagged my head as I picked up the fineliner inside my bag. Her eyes almost twinkled while watching the tip glide smoothly on the flyleaf. Natawa na lang ako. Siguro ganiyan din ang itsura ko kapag nakita ko sa heaven si Kate Roberts. She's an author from Wales and I'm a huge fan of her works, especially the English version of her Traed Mewn Cyffion. Although my late grandmother—Daddy's mom—is a pure Welsh, I am not so familiar with the language. I just know some.

"Ano pong plano niyo this summer? Ako po kasi baka umuwi po ng Pinas."

"Oh?"

She nodded. "Kahit pa mas masarap magsummer dito sa London, mas gusto ko pong makasama family ko sa Cagayan. Buti na nga lang, pinayagan ako ng employer ko 'e. Kayo po?"

I smiled.

It's been a while since the last time I went home. Paniguradong miss na miss na ako ni Kuya. But of course, he will not admit it. Naalala ko noong umuwi ako galing Seoul, 'yung bestfriend ko lang ata ang excited na makita ako. Like, it took days before I finally got the chance to see my brothers! Pero ngayon na buntis ulit si Chelzie at si Kuya ang emotional, sure akong miss na miss na ako no'n.

But all the excitement gyrating inside my stomach went downtick as an unbidden face flickered through my mind. Not that I abhor his face, I just don't like the way how painful memories belts off in my head and squeezing something fragile inside my chest.

O baka nga niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Hindi naman talaga ako excited umuwi. If not because of Zephaniah, I wouldn't dare step a foot again in Philippines.

Because going back to the place where everything happened means I'll be seeing him again.

And it isn't all good.

His face is a sore, not to my eyes, but to my heart. Seeing him brought back so many unasked clips of yesterdays followed by a deafening dissonance of heart cracks.

Paulit-ulit na bumabalik 'yung sakit, panghihinayang, pait, pati na rin ang saya. Nakakabaliw pala kapag naramdaman mo sila nang sabay-sabay. Parang nagtutulakan ang iba't ibang extreme na emosyon sa puso mo. Sa huli, palaging nananalo ang pait.

Sa dami ba namang nangyari... Sa dami ng mga luha at dugo na dumanak, sino pa ba ang nanaiisin na magbalik tanaw sa nakaraan?

And him...

He's a living reminder of all the chaos from the past.

Siguro nga, balang araw, magagawa ko rin siyang harapin na walang ibang nararamdaman kung hindi pasasalamat. Pasasalamat dahil nakilala ko siya... dahil dumating siya.

And I will begin the process by first— acceptance. Tama na rin siguro na nag-ayang umuwi si Zeph. If I will get myself used to seeing him, I can finally find it to myself to let go and fully embrace my now.

Nagitla ako nang may humawak sa balikat ko. It's still the grumpy woman whose incredibly genuine smile was crept across her face. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba kababayan ko siya kaya gumaan ang pakiramdam ko nang bahagya. Or maybe... just a little maybe... There's something in her eyes that made me feel lighthearted. Na para bang naiintindihan niya ako. Na alam niya ang pinagdaanan ko at ang hirap ko para kalimutan ang mga 'yon.

"Someday, you'll understand why some people rather protect you from behind than walk beside you and hold your hand."

She, again, smiled brightly. Muli siyang nagpasalamat bago tumalikod at pumihit palayo. My eyes followed her retreating back. Pinanood ko ang paglakad niya hanggang sa salubungin siya ng isang pamilyar na babae.

Isang napaka-pamilyar na babae.

My heart skipped a beat.

Si Hyacinth.

***

Isaiah 43:18-19||

Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past. Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening, don't you see it?