Tangled

Chapter 7 - Why?

 ~Maeve~

“Is George doing okay?” Noah asks as he accompanies me to class. Not like I need a chauffeur to my own class but that’s just how it is with Noah and I and over the years I have learnt to not question it, like many other things.

“He’s recovering. Needs some physio for his hand. He’s managing with a home nurse,” I respond. There is silence and today, for once, it doesn’t seem to be sitting well with Noah.

“So how is that painting of yours coming along?” Noah innocently questions without the realising the girth of the probe. He is simply making conversation I shrug because really, I don’t have an answer for that. But Noah being Noah is clueless and throws his arms around me. “Hmmm?”

I shrug him off yet again. “Noah, you really need to be attuned to people’s non-verbal gestures. Really!” I grumble before strutting off in a huff. I hear him running after me and before I know it he’s in front of me with his hands up in surrender. “I take it that it is not going well.”

Is this boy for real?

Rolling my eyes, I spit, “Yes, Noah! I haven’t come up with s**t! You happy now?”

“Hey- I” Noah starts.

“Hello, you guys!” Freya pops from nowhere with a gummy smile. I pass her a small smile before walking past them because I really am not in the mood to deal with either of them.

~

Four days later, I am no better. Staring at the blank canvas, all I can think about is that I am a failure. Is it possible to have a head full of ideas and then… nothing? There is a bunch of colours I can play with, a blank canvas waiting to be tainted with and a head full of techniques, textures and shades. Sitting there and staring at my hands and feeling useless, I finally let the first tear breakthrough. However, I don’t let myself cry for too long, looking up and blinking them away. I hear it before I see him because Noah awkwardly clears his throat. I rub at my face to wipe the signs of me crying before I look at him, shooting him a smile, all the animosity from the last week gone. Both of us have been having a hectic week and I don’t have it in me to be annoyed at him.

“Hey,” I croak, flinching when I hear myself. Noah takes three strides across the room from the door and takes me in his arms and that is exactly when all hell breaks loose. I hear myself sobbing and falling short of breath. My brain screams that this entire situation is nuts and that I should not be embarrassing myself in front of somebody like this, regardless of whether the said person is my friend or not. My body clearly, is betraying my brain.

God knows how long I cling to Noah.  He does not say a thing, except an occasional ‘shh, it’s going be alright, Mae!’

After what feels like an eternity, I pull away, refusing to meet the eyes of Noah who is tilting his head so that he can look at me. Trying to pull myself out of his strong hold, I softly say, “Let me go, Noah.”

Struggling, I push and shove him, but he refuses to let me go and I hate it. I hate that I am ashamed. I hate that I let myself go like that. I hate that Noah had come to make amends with me after this morning.

“Noah,” I say again. “Let. Me. Go.” I snap, biting my teeth.

“Were you planning on crying alone when you could have come to me?” He quips, sincerely. “Is it because of me asking you about your painting on Monday, huh? We haven’t spoken properly, since.”

I shake my head, vigorously. I cannot run away from the fact that my hands and brain just won’t cooperate. This is not on Noah, it is all on me. I continue to stare at my hands, stretching them and clenching them, like it will help me get creative when Noah just wraps my small hands with his large ones.

“Maeve. Speak to me, please?” he begs.

Looking up, I cry, “What if I can never come up with anything?”

“Maeve,” Noah sighs. “You have five months- you…”

Shaking my head, I whisper, “What if I can never paint anything, ever? Noah, what if this is it? Is my career over before I can even start?”

He’s panicking. I can see it in the way his eyes and flickering across my face, wide and worried. “Mae, where is all this coming from?”

I shrug, “It’ been two weeks since I lost my painting and I haven’t been able to come up with a thing. My classwork is half-assed and I-  it feels like my hand is not mine, anymore. I am scared, Noah! What if-“

He just pulls me into another hug, a warm, loving hug that only Noah can offer. “What if nothing. Everybody goes through a block. It’s normal and you have been stressed. You’re human,” he says, weaving his hands through my hair. “You will be fine! I know it!”

It puts me at ease, although all of what Noah is saying is a probability. He is so certain, but I know it is an assumption. He’s never seen me in a slump, how can he be sure? Why is he so sure?

Staring into his eyes, I try to see why he is absolutely sure about me finding my inspiration. Noah is just staring at me with an open, sincere gaze. Like he means everything he is saying.

“Stop staring into my eyes, looking for the truth,” he speaks, rubbing the contour of my cheek with his warm thumb, wiping my tears. “You know I don’t say anything I don’t mean.”

Sniffing, I manage to rasp out, “How have you become so good at this?”

My best friend simply laughs. “Because my best friend seems to need this quite often, these days.” He’s wrapping me up again, scratching my scalp lightly. “Why won’t you come to me when it gets tough, Maeve? I want you to come to me. I want to help you feel better.”

“I can’t,” I confess. “It is too embarrassing and it is not your job to help me feel better about my shortcomings. How am I supposed to look you in the eye after today?”

He just sighs like he had expected me to say such things. He knows me well. “Maeve, you know that is what friends are for.”

Gazing at him, I finally nod. “Okay.”

Unfortunately, for us we did not know we had an audience all this while, watching us but not hearing.

~

“So, where do you wanna go?” Noah prods as we walk, with him throwing his arm over me. His hands mess with my ear and shoulder, making me shudder. I push him, “Stop, you asshole!”

Noah cackles and that is when I see him. Whistling, I bump shoulders with Noah and signalling towards the open student square, I question, “You know him?”

Looking confused at first, he snags a look in the direction I am looking at before his mouth forms an ‘o’. He gapes at me and mouths, “You’re into him?”

I shrug. “Who is he? You know him?” I ask still peering at this gorgeous man I just laid my eyes on. Noah hesitates but finally talks, “Yeah. Yeah.” He flails his hands. “I know him. Eli Reed. He’s a substitute teacher, I think. I had him take classes, a couple of times.”

Chortling, I nod. “Looks and smarts. Damn!”

Noah frowns and ogles at Eli before saying, “He is not that great.” I raise my eyebrows at that and Noah takes the cue to correct himself, “Umm.. no! Isn’t he a little short?”

“First off, no he is not. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I begin. “And even if you think he is short, you call me a midget all the time. So, he’s perfect.”

Unhappily Noah just says, “Do you want coffee?”

~

Sitting across from each other, it is like my breakdown never happened. Noah obviously knows that I don’t want him bringing that up and so he quietly sips on his coffee, making notes for whatever assignment he’s been working on. I lean forward, cradling the iced matcha latte before clearing my throat to get him attention. He regards me carefully my passing me a brief look above his laptop screen. “What?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Although he senses a catch behind the question, Noah bobs his head. “Sure. Not like my ‘no’ would mean anything, anyway.”

“So… why won’t you date? I know, I ask this all the time but you always brush me off,” I complain, much to Noah’s annoyance. He puts his laptop away and gives me his full attention, unwavering eyes and all. Now, I am not sure what I have gotten myself into because Noah has never given me this look. I have seen all sides of Noah, I think, but this is unfamiliar territory for me. Suddenly the air around us is so awkward and confusing me. Don’t friends talk about things like these? Dating? s*x?

Noah easily and nonchalantly answers my question with another question of his own. “Why do you want to know?” Typical Noah.

“I- I haven’t heard you talk about girls you are interested in or girls who you find attractive. Like, never,” I quickly say, making sure I stress on the ‘never’. Noah just sits in his place, eying me, reading me.

I continue my word vomit since it looks like I am ready for this conversation. “I mean, I don’t think you’re into men. You would have told me, right? Anyways, even if that is the case, you don’t talk about attractive men, either.”

Noah sighs and just leans forward to reply in a tone that screams ‘you should know this already’. Like I am dumb for even trying to breach this topic. “First off, I am not gay. Secondly, friends certainly don’t have to have such personal conversations. We are two separate individuals outside this friendship.” Never have I ever heard such a condescending tone from Noah’s mouth.

Hurt, that is what I am feeling. He just trampled on me, without even knowing what he had done. That’s who Noah is. He’s loyal, kind and caring. But he’s also fiercely protective of himself and his own affairs. I didn’t even know his parents had split when we had been in eighth grade until I had seen his mom accidentally when she had come to pick him up.

“Take care of him, Maeve. You know his dad’s not around anymore.”

“Wha-Sorry, Mrs.Langford. I don’t understand.”

Confused, she had asked me, “You don’t know Noah’s dad and I separated?”

Although tears threaten to spill, I straighten my back and retort, “I- I tell you everything.”

He just shrugs. “It’s a choice you made, Maeve. You tell me things. Personal things. I don’t ask you to.” Noah knows what he’s doing because a tear slips across my face and he sees it. He doesn’t stop, because that is who he is. He needs to set things straight, draw the line. He talks to me like he’s talking to a child and I loathe it. I am no kid.

“Listen, I don’t mind you telling me things. You have the weirdest observations, the funniest timing and the most random things to say. You have always been like that. I just-”

He halts to run his hand through his dark hair and then resumes, “I just am not that person, Maeve. I have never been that person and you looked like you were always okay with that. I simply don’t understand why you are so curious today, why you have been asking these things recently.”

Some sniffing is in order so that I can contain myself before I say, “My bad, Noah.” I stand up, gathering my things, all while having Noah gape at me. “I really wasn’t aware of this ‘no ask’ list you seem to be having. We can draw a contract when we- actually draw one the next time you make a friend so they know their limits. You wouldn’t want a repeat of me.”

“Maeve- wha-”

I shake my head, disappoint flooding me and filling me. “No, I- what have we been doing all these years? What have- I! Damn you, Noah!”

Crying, I just walk out and only to run into Freya. I am quick to wipe my eyes. Having one fr-person see me cry is enough for the night. Trying to put on a brave face, I softly say, “Hey, Frey!”

There is something extremely different about Freya, in the way she’s regarding me with disappointment and…is that hate I see? Confused, I try holding her hand only to have her flinch. What?

“Frey, what’s up?” I squawk, my voice still raw from crying.

“You like Noah,” she states, not ask. She states like it is the absolute truth. In an attempt to lighten the situation, I say, “Right now, I am not quite sure of that. But yeah, I have known him for long. He’s my best-, I guess, I like him.”

Freya rolls her eyes at me and scoffs like she’s irritated. “You know, what I mean.”

This time, I successfully take her hands. “Freya, I don’t know what you’re saying. Is everything alright?”

I didn’t think that anything can hurt beyond Noah’s words, but I guess that is not true because I break a little when Freya pulls her hands away from mine and steps back. Amidst all this, my mind screams that Noah had not come looking for me. He had known, exactly what he had been doing. This is what he had wanted. A chance to say the things, I had never given him the chance to say.

I smile. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I- I had a shitty day, I-”

With so much scorn, Freya spits, “It’s always about you, isn’t it? You can’t f*****g talk because what? You had a shitty day?”

“Frey, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I- Freya. Noah and I-” I try to speak but words are literally failing me. How can someone’s day get this bad?

“Were you even helping me? Was it fun? Dragging me along in the pretence of helping?” she says in an accusing tone.

What even?

“What?”

“I asked you, about Noah. Again and again. About the two of you. I-.” she stops, “I thought we were friends, Maeve.”

“We were. We are,” I insist but obviously she’s not here to hear anything I have to say. But I want to, so I tell her, “I don’t know what you saw, but it’s nothing like anything you’re thinking. Noah and I- we are friends and I don’t know what it is that gave you the wrong idea.”

Freya snorts and before I could say anything more that will only sound like excuses, Noah appears in the vicinity. He stares at the two of us. Clueless obviously. I don’t say a word, not like it means anything, anyway.

I choose to walk away.

~

Is it even possible for someone’s life to turn around so drastically? Like you wake up to having friends, you cry to them, they comfort you and then they are not there anymore. What is worse is that all these years are almost like they hadn’t been real and it just breaks me just a little more.

Noah, oh! Sweet little Noah!

Laying on my bed, I think about How I’d woken up this morning with two best friends. Life is certainly fleeting. People come and go, there is no stopping them. Not even twenty years of friendship. Certainly not three years.

Just then, my phone rings bringing me back from my train of self-pitying thoughts. I pick it up, thinking if it is a good idea to be talking to the one man who knows me inside out.

Fuck this!

“Hey, dad!”