THE JOURNEY OF SHEIRA HART

29 | As If The Shocking Flashbacks Weren’t Enough

I sat on the swing and Mikhael did the same. I don’t know what to say and I bet he doesn’t want to say anything because he knows what would happen if he as much says a word about what we just saw earlier. It wasn’t something I was expecting at all. 

Before, I used to imagine how I and my future boyfriend would meet. In a coffee shop, while I was enjoying my book and my cup of coffee, someone would approach and ask to share a table with me. Or when I was silently walking in the hallway and somebody would accidentally bump into me and help me pick my books up. You know, I was just thinking of something cliché and something that is impossible to happen to me in reality. I wasn’t totally expecting to have Jacob – who was my close friend – actually be my boyfriend. And I totally didn’t expect we would end up that way. I mean, was I easy? 

“Man, you were easy,” Mikhael said and I glared at him. I looked back to the empty field. 

“I might have liked him for a while for me to agree to be his girlfriend.” 

“Or you developed feelings just recently because of that façade.” 

I sighed. It might be because of that. 

I heard Mikhael chuckle that I had to look at him. “What’s so funny, di Angelo?” 

He shrugged. “It’s nothing to be surprised about, though. You like him, he likes you and you decided to take your relationship to another level.” He looked at me. “That’s better than hiding your true feelings.” 

I don’t know if I just imagined it but I could have sworn I heard something in his voice. Before I could even ask something, he said, “I’ve been there and I regretted hiding my feelings from someone I really like.” 

I raised my brows and looked at him before I roared in laughter. 

“Nice. I decided to open up to you and this is what I get?” 

I cleared my throat but my lips wouldn’t stop grinning. “I’m sorry. I mean you’re quite vocal with your mind and yet you didn’t tell the woman you love that you like her?” 

I was expecting him to be laughing or even to counter what I just said but he remained to stare at the empty field. I cleared my throat. “I mean it’s impressive that you remember it,” I said. 

“It was a long time ago and I would never forget her or how I felt about her,” he said without tearing his gaze off the field. And it might just be my imagination but there was enough sadness in his voice that I felt how he felt. Somehow, I could feel the sadness. The sheer rawness of it made me want to look at him and see how his face looked. But he doesn’t look sad. Or he must have gotten good at concealing how he truly felt. He might have mastered the art of concealing it with his jokes. But as I looked at him at that moment, I could see him laid bare. He didn’t bother concealing it and I thought this girl he’s talking about must be someone important to him that he didn’t want to pretend about his feelings for her. 

And I think it’s nice. 

“Where is she?” I asked. I didn’t mean to be nosy and I regretted asking him that question but it was too late to take back what I just asked. 

But Mikhael just shrugged. “Who knows?” 

I waited for him to say something more but he didn’t. And I figured he’s done talking about it. One thing I knew for sure now is that Mikhael, no matter how happy he wants people to believe, he is also someone with a painful past. The pain in his voice and the look on his face as he talks about it tells me that much. And I know he has a lot to say. But I decided not to talk pry on it anymore. At least not now.

I sighed and looked at the empty field where Mikhael was also looking. 

We already figured out how I managed to snag a boyfriend and he happens to be one of my closest friends. I never imagined myself having a boyfriend but then knowing that I had one doesn’t make me feel different. I stood up but then suddenly the ground welled and my feet twisted. Before I knew it, I was already on the ground. I fell to the ground face first. 

“Pft,” Mikhael said, trying to contain his laugh. I gave him an incredulous look and he was covering his mouth as he was looking at me splattered on the ground. 

“What’s so funny, di Angelo?” 

“I mean, I don’t know how you still managed to fall to the ground when it is completely flat,” he said with a small smile on his face. Clearly trying his best not to laugh. 

I rolled my eyes. I was about to stand but then my head was spinning. I groaned. I didn’t know anemia would go with me even as I was dead. 

Before I could even try to stand again, I felt someone lifting me up. His arm was under my knees and the other was just below my shoulders. 

“The f**k are you doing?” I asked and Mikhael di Angelo closed his eyes firmly as if trying his best not to snap my neck. 

“Sometimes I wonder why Mr. Grim still lets you get away with all those vulgar words coming out of your mouth,” he said and shifted my weight in his arms. “You’re quite heavy.” 

Hearing those words coming out of his mouth snapped something in me that I hit his shoulders as hard as I could manage but he just laughed and walked a little bit further until we reached the field. It was then that he put me down. He stretched his back just to emphasize what he said earlier and all I could do was give him a glare. He was about to say something when he saw something from a distance where his gaze was fixed. I followed his gaze and almost tripped on the ground for the second time the moment I saw what was he looking at. 

It was me. And Jacob. Holding hands as we walked out of the school building. People around us were looking. As if not believing what they’re seeing. I should say me and Jacob probably made an unusual couple. Jacob was popular. Popular in a way that he has his own fan club. He’s a basketball player after all. However, I was someone whose existence is just ordinary. The only time the students knew about my name was because of that stupid rumor that I liked Miro Nile (that turned into reality eventually). And they even knew me as ‘the girl who likes Miro Nile’ as if they aren’t fit that label. It wasn’t as if it was only me crushing on him. They just felt like I was not qualified to like Miro Nile, apparently. 

I looked at myself and Jacob walking down the street as if nothing else mattered. I let out a soft scoff. 

“It’s a shame,” I mumbled but Mikhael heard it that he looked at me with a questioning look on his face. 

“What is? That you died and can’t spend time with your boyfriend anymore? Or a shame that he ended up with you—“ 

He didn’t finish what he was going to say when I glared at him. I resisted the urge to choke him and just looked at me and Jacob, holding hands. 

“It’s a shame that I forgot about all these,” I said, gesturing my hands. “These are such precious memoery for me and I think…” I trailed. I bit my lip. “I think I was so in love and yet I couldn’t even remember how it felt to be in love.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I couldn’t even remember him being my boyfriend until just recently and I couldn’t even remember being in love with him. It’s … sad.” 

Mikhael was silent for a moment. Maybe because he doesn’t know what to say. Or maybe he was thinking of what to say. Or maybe he’s thinking of something else at the moment. I didn’t mind. But then I heard him sigh. 

“Maybe that’s why you were brought here in the first place,” he said before he looked at me. “Maybe it’s for you to remember. That you had these memories when you were still alive. Maybe it was for you to know that you had a life. That’s you were not alone as you always thought to be.” Mikhael said it with so much seriousness that I looked away from his gaze and looked at the students a few meters away from us. 

I don’t know if it’s because we’ve been together for quite some time that he’s starting to read me or is it because I’m just really easy to read for him to know that I have been thinking about what kind of life I have led when I was still alive. I’ve wondered if my life was somehow less exciting. I’ve wondered if I even had a life.

“You’re right,” I said and sighed as I looked far ahead. “You’re right,” I repeated. I realized Mikhael was right. I realized it wasn’t the life I envisioned but I had my family. I had my friends. And I had Jacob. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t sad or anything. I was contented. And just by knowing that, I couldn’t help but smile. 

“At least I’ve led quite a nice life,” I said and looked at Mikhael and I could have sworn something crossed in his eyes the moment our eyes met. But it was gone as soon as it came and he gave me a lopsided grin. 

“When was I ever wrong, Sheira darling?” A knowing grin escaped his lips as he stuffed his hands inside his pockets. It was then that I felt a searing pain on my head as if it was being cracked open. I kneeled on the ground and held my head with both my hands. I lost my other senses as all I could feel was the pain in my head. And then I saw flashes. It wasn’t like the flashbacks I had. It was just fragmented and I don’t recognize some of them. And the faster they flash the more painful my head becomes. I didn’t know what I was doing but I was sure I was holding my head with both my hands. The ground felt very comfortable and closing my eyes was something really tempting as if it would make the pain less. But it continued.

The flashes of scenes and events continued and I couldn’t keep up with them. I don’t even know what I was seeing. It all happened so fast and the next thing I knew was the nauseous feeling. The ground was cold on my back and I could feel someone caressing—slapping my face gently. 

I opened my eyes and everything was a blur. Including the face in front of me was a complete blur. I blinked once. Twice until my vision became clearer. It was then that I saw Mikhael’s face. He was also looking at me with a worried look on his face. 

“What happened?” I asked and my throat felt sore. 

The moment he heard me talk, he let out a sigh of relief and he lowered his head down, breathing hard. “di Angelo,” I called but all I could hear was his shuddering breath.  

“What happened?” I asked again. 

“You…” He swallowed. “You started screaming, holding your head, kneeling on the ground. I didn’t know what happened but you kept screaming and until the surroundings warped and then you stopped and lost consciousness,” he said through his breathing was quite labored. Or it might be nervousness. 

“What happened, Sheira?” he asked and I closed my eyes. I didn’t know either. 

“I felt a searing pain in my head and then I saw flashes,” I answered, trying to recall what I saw. But I couldn’t recall even just a single bit of it. It was all blurry and too fast for me to keep track. They were short flashbacks. But I couldn’t see what it was all about. 

“Flashbacks?” 

I nodded. “But they were just fragments and it all happened too fast. But…” I looked to the ground and gasped. “A bike.” 

Mikhael’s face was questioning. “A bike?” 

“I…I saw a bike. But it was different from what I own. It was—“ 

“Old?” he added and my eyes widened as I looked at him. 

“Exactly,” I said. “But how did you know?” 

He didn’t say a word and just stood up. “Just a hunch,” he said and offered his hand to me. I took it and he helped me stand. “It was probably an old bike you owned before.” 

I couldn’t remember owning another bike but since I haven’t been remembering things very well since I died, I couldn’t trust my memory. Maybe I owned an old bike before. 

But I just couldn’t remember it. 

I was about to say something when the horn of the train sounded from a distance. My second stop is done and I knew and remembered a lot of things. 

Mikhael was silent beside me as we waited for the train and I couldn’t forget the look on his face the moment I opened my eyes earlier. 

And even though he doesn’t say it. Even though he tried to conceal the clenched fists in his pockets, I could tell he was scared. And for some reason, I felt the need to comfort him. That it is fine. That it was all good. 

So I reached for his hand and took it out from his pocket. I felt him went utterly still as I held his hand. 

He looked at me. Surprise was written all over his face. 

“It’s…” I swallowed hard. “It’s fine now. I’m fine.” 

He just sighed and patted my shoulder. “I know you are,” he said and went inside the train. 

* * *