THE JOURNEY OF SHEIRA HART

21 | The Second Time Is A Lot Sadder

It was a good idea.

For so many times I resisted the urge to laugh whenever Mikhael tells me something funny, I mastered the art of maintaining a straight face. I don’t want him to think I find him funny. He is funny but he gets annoying sometimes I just wanted to put something in his mouth to shut him up.

And so I did it. I did it even as my facial muscles don’t feel like cooperating with me today. But I willed it.

I maintained a calm face even as I saw Jacob Paulo wearing a black suit. He was standing at the back, together with my other classmates. I remember the first time I ever saw Jacob was when he transferred schools and I was the one assigned to tour him around the campus. Our campus was small and I was always thankful it was like that as I hated walking around. But that time I wished it was big enough so I could spend more time together with him as I tour him around. I remember he didn’t ask many questions. Not that there are questionable things in our school anyway. But then he told me if he could eat with me at lunch because he doesn’t know anyone but me. Then I agreed. We were together since then. We became friends. The three of us—me, Loren, and him. I don’t remember how and when we decided to take our relationship to a new level but I do remember liking him. I didn’t know I actually liked him until I recognized it and admit it myself.

“You look like you’re about to poop.”

I gave Mikhael a glare. He was observing me for a while and he must have seen through my facade of maintaining a straight face.

“Will you just shut your mouth for a minute?”

He clamped his lips and made a gesture of zipping it. I rolled my eyes and looked at the group of people.

I could see some of my teachers, too. Mikhael and I stood under the tree, several meters away from where the crowd was. They were all wearing their best black clothes. Not minding what the occasion was, I admit they all look good in black.

People must have known. They must have known that the dead could see them. Maybe they try to look their best at the funeral. So that somehow, they’d look presentable when the dead sees them. Like what’s happening now, exactly. And I’ve always wondered what the purpose of this ceremony is. I’ve always thought the dead wouldn’t be able to see or know about it so why bother?

But now I understand. And somehow, it’s quite a sight. People mourning over your death. I feel sad the longer I stare at them. But tears won’t come out of my eyes. So I just stood there, watching my mother spread the ashes into the river. I swallowed hard. I remember I almost drowned when I was a kid. I’ve never learned how to swim because of that trauma. I was too scared to learn. My father would always tell me how am I going to save myself from drowning if I don’t know how to swim? I remember I’d always tell him I won’t swim ever. He’d just shook his head.

I looked at my mom. She looked wonderful. Her hair wasn’t fixed into a tight bun it was freely swaying with the wind as she slowly spread my ashes. My father was beside her, wiping his eyes underneath his glasses. My siblings were standing on each of their sides as they too, watched my ashes flow with the water.

The rest are my relatives, my friends, some classmates, and some teachers. I saw my Math teacher who was rubbing Loren’s back as the latter kept sobbing.

“Why are we here again?”

I didn’t look at him as I said, “Because I want to see them scattering my ashes?”

I know he wouldn’t believe that. “Is that the real reason or is it because of someone named Jacob?”

I looked at him this time and gave him a blank look. “Can’t you just shut up?”

He shrugged. “I mean there’s nothing wrong with seeing your boyfriend.”

I didn’t say another word and went to look at where the crowd is. Particularly at Jacob Paulo was just silent and was observing. He wasn’t crying. I didn’t see him wipe his eyes or something. But I have already heard him last night. I’ve already heard him sob as he kept saying sorry to me. And it still pains me every time I remember it.

“I wonder how much it hurt him,” I muttered before I could even realize. In my periphery, Mikhael’s gaze was also on the crowd.

“Pain,” he said, “because he won’t ever see you again. He’ll feel lonely because at times he’ll see things that would remind him of you. And he will miss you. So, so bad, it will drive him crazy.”

I looked at him and saw something in his eyes. But it was gone as soon as it came. He looked at me and let out a small smile. “He’ll remember you for the rest of his life. He won’t forget you. He’ll miss you but he’ll get by. He has to.”

I stared at him for a moment and pondered on what he said. I don’t remember much about me and Jacob. But I wonder if he knows never liked flowers. I wonder if he’ll remember me if he saw flowers. I wonder if he knows I loved watching anime. I wonder if he ever saw me dance to any upbeat songs or sings to any kinds of songs as long as I liked it even though it’s of a different language. I wonder if he ever saw me setting aside the raisins whenever I found some on my food. I wonder if we ever went on a date.

I swallowed hard. I hope we really did. And I hope, even though it might be painful now, that he’ll be happy. I hope he was happy while we’re together because even if I couldn’t remember most of it, I am certain I was happy. I wish him to be happy and just have a smile on his face whenever he saw things that will remind him of me.

I bit my lip. And I didn’t realize until I found myself wishing them all the best. I looked at my mother who was hugging her urn. I smiled. She’ll probably continue cleaning my room and stay there. She’ll be doing that for a while and I hope she’ll continue on with their lives. I hope they continue on with their lives. I wouldn’t them to be feeling sad because I wasn’t there. I wouldn’t want them to be feeling that way.

I looked at my siblings who are now hugging each other. I hope they’d stop fighting over who will wash the dishes. I wouldn’t be there to arrange their schedule. I hope they’ll help each other out especially with their homework because I wouldn’t be there to tutor them. I hope they’d remember me and have a smile on their faces and not sadness. I wish the same to my father. I hope he’ll never misplace his newspaper again and yell at my siblings asking where it was when in fact it was him who misplaced it. I wish him to be happy and smile as he thinks about me.

I wouldn’t wish for more.

I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt Mikhael’s hand, gently wiping the tears on my cheeks. I looked at him, surprised. He wasn’t showing any emotion. Even the playfulness he usually wears on his face wasn’t there. It was just another rare moment.

He continued to wipe my face until the tears stopped falling. His eyes then met mine.

“You just look so ugly when you cry. Please spare me the view,” he said so seriously that I almost smacked him.

I slapped his hand away and wiped my tears. “Whatever, di Angelo,” I said but in all honesty, I appreciate him for what he did. He might be an asshole sometimes—err—most of the time, but he could sometimes be amazing at comforting people—ghosts, in our case.

“I was kidding. Don’t think I’m here. You can cry all you want. I wouldn’t mind if you wail like an elephant.”

I gave him an incredulous look. “Can’t you say something nice?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Lady, that’s the nicest thing I could say.”

I groaned and I didn’t realize tears started pouring and I couldn’t stop them. Mikhael was silent as he listened to my sobs. I didn’t bother stifling it. He told me I can cry if I want to so I will. I never felt anything other than confusion the moment I woke up in the afterlife. I never felt sadness or anything like that. It was when I came here that I felt anger, relief, sadness, happiness, regret…it was when I came here and saw the life I left behind that I felt emotions. And I have done a good job suppressing it. Until now.

I cried as if I haven’t cried for a while. I cried for the dreams I failed to accomplish. I cried for the plans I made and I wouldn’t be able to do anymore. I cried for the things I wouldn’t be able to do. I cried for the family mourning for me. I cried for the friends who probably were missing me the way I miss them. I cried for Jacob, for leaving him so early. I cried for everything I left and for everything I couldn’t do because here I am now, a ghost. Someone who’s going to find out how she died.

I cried my eyes out, not bothering to quiet down. I didn’t care if Mikhael will tell me I sound like a choking goose. All of those emotions I suppressed, bottled up and I couldn’t hold them anymore.

So I cried. Even as my mother finished scattering my ashes. Even as they stood there for a few minutes, even as the people slowly started to leave. My family stood there longer as they watched the river as if they could see me there. I walked closer towards them and just watched. And I stayed there even as it was just Loren and Jacob left. I have already poured all the tears I have and all I could do was stare at their back. Loren tapped Jacob’s shoulder and walked away. Jacob was the only one left. I stood beside him.

I don’t know if he could feel me or not but I kind of hoping he will. I don’t know what Mr. Thanos did to him—if he removed his ability to sense ghosts. But I stood beside him and stared at the river where he was staring. He was looking far ahead. His eyes were sorrowful and I could see from the dark circles in his eyes, he hasn’t been sleeping well.

“I’m sorry, Sheira. I’m sorry.” He kept saying over and over again. My lips quivered and I reached for his shoulder to touch him but it was just like touching to nothing. I sighed.

“I hope you’ll be happy, Jacob,” I mumbled before I felt a pulling force. Something was suddenly pulling me and I couldn’t stop it. My vision blurred and the surrounding spun. I looked at where Mikhael was and I couldn’t see him. The surrounding was beginning to get blurry. I looked at Jacob and I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or not.

The next thing I realized was the bright sun glaring straight to my face. I have my back against the ground. I opened my eyes and squinted it as soon as the bright flares of the sun invaded my vision. I covered my eyes using my hand.

What the hell happened? 

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