Love Ain't Easy

Chapter Seventeen - I'm So Sorry

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss I shared with Stacy. A little bit of guilt building in. I mean the kiss was nice but I didn't want her getting attached worse - since she didn't want to stop. It was funny and cute coz she made jokes about not wanting to kiss me at first. Then next thing she groups me. God! That wasn't on my plate.

I had a lot on that plate already and adding her would just mess everything up including my mind.

I got home and went straight to bed and I hated how when I wasn't doing anything my mind would turn to think about the only thing I tried not to think about.

I had three letters from Prison and I didn't open any of them then suddenly my mom wants to talk to me about my dad??? It didn't sit well with me but sadly I knew it had to happen. She was going to talk tomorrow..

I was worried about Valentia. She was cold, I didn't blame her though, I was the reason she was like that. If I didn't throw the Gail s**t on he face. For a second I thought she was going to slap the s**t out of me. But she didn't, she just silently left my office.

I closed my eyes and my phone vibrated.. I was tired but I checked it out stupidly hoping it was Valentia.

But nope it wasn't. It was Paige. I smiled and opened the message.

PAIGE: Do you know what is going on in my mind? I am flying down to S.A soon and I haven't seen you in a while. We need to talk, I need to fix my s**t with you and marry you. To hell with Valentia...

I laughed at her last sentence. Was she for fucken real..?

ME: are you sure about your last sentence Paige?

It didn't take time before she responded back..

PAIGE: Mark my words.. I am going to make you the happiest woman alive.. trust that... She is failing. Let her be with her wife because clearly she loves her. As for you... you will get a me that you deserve..

I smiled..

ME: stuck between sober you and drunk you.. I'm sleepy, will talk soon. I love you ❤❤

I put my phone away and for real slept this time.

..

I woke up to a knock on my door. I lifted my head up and the door opened revealing my little sister.

"Morning... did you talk to her...?" She asked sitting in my bed.

Stacy? Ahh I did more than just talk.. I thought to myself but didn't say that out loud, "yeah baby I talked to her and she said she'll talk to her brother and her family..."

She nodded, "thank you. Mom says get up breakfast is ready."

She tried to get up but I pulled her down, "I am coming down there..."

She walked out.

I took my phone. I haven't talked to Valentia since Friday... my heart kinda hurt by the amount of which we were communicating, but I sighed and gave in...

ME: Hey...

Then I started fixing my bed and going to my bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. When I came back she responded.

VEE: hello...

ME: How are you?

VEE: I'm all good and you?

ME: I'm good too?

VEE: That's good.

I stared at my phone. It was a bit awkward.. our talks. And to be honest it was bothering me. I missed back then when I could be playful and all me on her and not worry about anything. But we were both going through a lot and it was just f****d up how it was drawing a wedge between us instead of bringing us closer.

Stared at the text wondering what I could say just so she could talk and tell me what was bothering her or what worried her..

ME: so how have you been? Are you okay? I'm a little bit worried about you and like I honestly miss you.

Sent....

Flip I regretted sending that. Why did I say I miss her.. God I can be annoying sometimes.

My phone vibrated and I took in one deep breath before reading the text.

VEE: been good, yeah I'm okay... I'm okay don't worry.

Yeah just what I thought.

ME: Alright that's good.. I'm glad you're okay.

After sending that I put my phone in my pocket and went downstairs.

Wow, the kitchen table was full of food... eggs, Viennas, toasted bread and juice..

"Woooow mom, you went all out, what happened to your simple cereal breakfast?"

"You're leaving and you'll eat that cereal everyday.."

I lifted both my hands in surrender, "fine mom.. you win.."

We enjoyed breakfast and I helped her wash dishes... which I regretted the moment I heard her mention my so called father.

"Mom can we not."

"He wants to talk to you.. that's all, he just wants to talk to you."

"Well I don't mom... I don't want to see him again. After everything he's put me through, the pain, the torture, please... I don't want to be in the same room with his f****d up self... I can't.. I don't want to start having nightmares again... I've moved past that and pretty much acted as if he doesn't exist anymore... he's been quiet, can he stay quiet and leave me the f**k alone..." I yelled making my mom sigh, "I know. I know he has put you through a lot honey.. he just..."

I shook my head, "stop... stop forcing me to go see him. I don't want to. He can go burn in hell for all I care.."

She rested her hand on my shoulder and I flinched. She pulled away and lifted both her hands up, "I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not forcing you. I was just telling you what he asked me to. I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

I shook my head, "I'll leave now. I'll see you..."

Then I turned to see my little sister go to her room. I sighed and cursed under my breath. Did she hear me? Us?

I packed my toiletries and walked out.

"Will you come back?" Lizzie asked and I nodded, "yep kiddo next weekend I'm coming."

"I miss you when you're away..."

I kneeled in front of her and pulled her to a hug, "I miss you too, but you know what? Everyday after doing homework take your tablet and text me so we can video call... okay..."

She smiled, "okay.. I love you."

I kissed her, "I love you more..."

The drive back to the apartment wasn't as easy, my mind kept on going to the 2 minutes talk I had with my mom.. how can she do this.. be his fucken messenger and tell me that he wants to see me.. I mean she even pressed on when I insisted I don't want anything to do with him.

That pissed me off. That right there got under my skin.

I got to the apartment and fixed my s**t for tomorrow...

I later sat down with the girls and we talked a bit but then I hit bed early coz I wasn't in the mood. My mind was just f****d up and I honestly didn't want them noticing that.

..

The week went okay... just okay still because well the relationship between Valentia and I was still..

She was cold. I couldn't even try and create a conversation without it ending up as a huge misunderstanding that got her on the edge or mad. I sometimes regretted trying.. I knew she wasn't okay but was it selfish that I needed her... not as in I need her so I can tell her how f****d up my life was no, that would just be fucken adding to what she was going through and giving her unnecessary stress. I needed her here to me. I needed her talking to me. Telling me what was happening, if she wasn't okay I needed her to tell me that and tell me where it was painful. I needed her to need me....but that wasn't the case. It wasn't happening like that. She was just ice cold.

On Friday I swallowed my pride and decided to go to her office and apologize for the ass I was two weeks ago.

As I approached her office I heard sniffling and voices...

'no Mariah.. don't fucken do that please...' Vee's voice trembled..

'what Vee? I'm just stating facts. She's a mess over there, she's losing everything...'

'what about me. Am I gaining everything from this? Do I look okay to you...? Happy? On cloud nine? Half of my fucken life has been a lie and was wasted, I sacrificed s**t for nothing Mariah.. please don't come here and tell me Zai isn't okay... right now I'm concentrating on getting myself alright...' Vee said and my heart sank at the sound of her voice.

She sounded broken... and this now had me wondering if they were having trouble. I mean I've never seen them together for over three months. They were not even at the Lauch in March.. wow... maybe that's why she hasn't been okay.. because her marriage was on the rocks and I fucken threw that on her face.

Jesus!

Now I felt like a bigger ass than I did minutes ago.

I quickly took my breath in not paaying attention to what Mariah was saying and then I knocked.

The door opened after a few seconds and Valentia was looking at her phone.

"Vee I came to talk to you..." I said in almost a whisper and she sighed, "I'll be back..." then went past me and out of her office.

I turned my attention back to Mariah and said, "hey Mariah..."

She rolled her eyes before getting up, "you must be soooo happy right now..."

Confused I asked, "what?"

She shrugged, "I mean with what's happening between Vee and Zai.. you must be ecstatic... you probably couldn't wait."

"I don't know what you're talking about. What's happening between Vee and Zai?"

She scoffed, "don't act dumb.. this is not high school where you can fool me... you know exactly that you couldn't wait for Zai and Vee to be divorced so you can have Vee... so your wish came true.. you must be..."

My heart!

"Wait.. wait... wait... they what?" I asked in shock and Mariah furrowed her brows at me as if she was trying to read something.. After a few seconds she asked, "what?"

"What are you talking about divorce... they are not divorced..."

"Oh really...?"

I felt Like something was seriously sitting on my neck, "they divorced? What? How? Why? When?"

My ex coach stood there and looked at me a bit confused and then shock came flooding in, "oh f**k! You really didn't know."

"Well, I'm the last person here to know shit... so don't be surprised."

She looked at me and her face finally changed. That pissy bitchy mode she was on switched up quickly to be soft, "darn... Valentia must really love you..."

"What?" God I was honestly confused.

"So she didn't tell you... God... God she really is insane..."

"How is her hiding her divorce from me saying she loves me.. how?"

She laughed a bit shaking her head, "you don't get it..."

"Get what?"

"She didn't want you feeling like a second option... She didn't want you thinking she left her marriage when it was in rocks and saw you as an option. She wanted to love you at her own phase so you'd know that she is with you because she wants you and not because her marriage with Zai ended... ohh Fuck.. what am I doing...?"

The second she said that, the anger that was trying to build in as I was about to ask why the f**k would Vee hide something so important and so big from me.. that anger subsided... it hit home that it was going to be a thought. I was going to think so.. that she's picking me cos her marriage is over now she's chosing me.

"They divorced over three months ago..." Mariah said and I furrowed my brows at her.. She shrugged, "you asked... so I'm telling you."

I sat down feeling like s**t.

I felt the door close and I closed my eyes.

Valentia hasn't been okay since three months ago. She was crying three months ago... was this part of the reason.. her wife cheating, her wife trying to mess up her launch with the cheat she was cheating with and her divorce. God! Jesus... my heart felt like it's just been ripped off my heart. I had no idea what to do or say.

The door opened and she walked in.

"Hey.. you wanted to talk to me about something..." she looked tired, like she wasn't getting enough sleep at all.

I sighed and debated whether or not to do this. But I ended up apologizing.

"I just wanted to apologize.. and say I'm sorry... I was an ass and I wasn't thinking. So I'm sorry, I just.. I'm sorry I was hurt and stupidly talked without thinking."

She just stood there and looked at me.

"I... I didn't mean it the way I did.. I mean when I found out that your wife did that.. I lost it and I wasn't thinking.. I... Mariah just told me about Zai.. I'm honestly so sorry, you don't deserve any of this. God I feel like shit.. I'm really sorry baby I was just mad you didn't tell me.."

She shook her head, "you know next time you wanna act all crazy, you start by checking your facts and then come blow up on me. I didn't tell you for a reason.. it's not like I decided to just not fucken tell you. I was trying to protect you.."

"I know... I'm so sorry.. just a lot of s**t has been going on in my life and I was just having a hard time and when these came in the picture I felt like everything and everyone was against me.... So.."

"You took it out on me?" She snapped, "Olwethu you know I'm not okay, you know I'm going through s**t, I fucken cried on your shoulder not long ago, something I have never done even on Zai... I thought you understood but then you fucken go ahead and act like a seventeen year old you again.."

That cut deep but I understood where she was coming from. I should have checked my facts for real before blowing up...

I tried to not cry, "I know Vee I know okay. I'm sorry for real.. I just been caught up in my life too and I been needing you and missing you so much.. I just..."

"You been missing me? Please!"

That hurt because I knew how much I have been missing her, "I have Vee.. which is why I been texting you now and then.. but I also have been dealing with some staff and I been needing you."

"Well you know I haven't been myself, my mind is all over the place with everything that's been happening.. I'm sorry I can't be here when you need me."

"I understand... just a conversation with you is appreciated. It's all I wanted. I'm sorry for coming out as selfish. I really am."

"It's cool.."

We stopd there... She looked upset it broke my heart.

"Are you done?"

Shit.. that cut again.. maybe I messed up big time now... maybe I just been caught up way too much into my s**t that I didn't realize I was hurting her too. That frustrated me.

I turned around, "I'm really sorry.."

I went home from there. My mind was so active and over thinking it was pissing me off.

When I was inside my blankets all cosy I took my phone and texted her..

ME: You know Valentia I love you.. only God knows how much... sleep well.

She responded quickly...

VEE: Night night Olwethu..

Maybe I deserved that. Maybe I deserved anything that was going to happen after this....