Love Ain't Easy

Chapter Nineteen - I Hate My Life

Life...

Is so full of fucken surprises.

I found myself sitting in my bed and staring blankly at the wall in front of me. I felt so empty, so numb and lost.

My ears suddenly felt so hot and my whole body felt ice cold. I had no fucken idea what was happening to me but it made me sick... it made me feel nauseous.. like I was going to vomit all the food I had last night.

So he was dead...

Dead..!

I knew I always used to say he can go die for all I cared... but now that he was dead I felt odd.. I felt...nothing.

I thought if something like this was to happen while I was still breathing maybe I'd feel okay, maybe I'd feel glad and be happy that a person who's caused me so much pain finally doesnt exist anymore. I thought I'd be okay with it and finally breathe now that he was no more. But the more my mom's words sank in was the more I got confused... It was the more I remembered one little birdy that was going to suffer from all this.

My sister... her father was dead... I knew how she was going to feel because I've already been through that with my dad and I was younger than her... but it still didn't make it okay..

My door bust opened and I flinch only a bit.

"Hey.. oh you're done? I was a bit worried about you since last night. Are you good..?"

I didn't respond..

"Well I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Vee just called, she said you should not come to work today... just take this Friday off."

I shook my head, God no. I needed to keep myself busy.

"I can't not do anything. I need to work Susan..."

"You don't look okay."

I got up way too fast and felt a bit dizzy. I closed my eyes and Susan held me, "hey.. you're not okay.. sit back down.. what's wrong?"

I sat back down and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came.

My mind then started moving again.

So he was dead... How? What killed him? Did he want to see me because maybe he felt he was close to dying? What the f**k did he want to say to me before dying?

"Olwethu.. Olwethu!!!!"

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at my friends who gave me worried looks.

"Sipho is dead..." I spat and Precious nodded her head, "I was on the phone with your mom."

They both sat on each side of me holding my hands.

I zoned out again. I just had no idea how to feel. Was I supposed to cry? Be sad? Be happy?

God!

Then my mind jumped to my little sister. God... does she know? How is she feeling? I mean regardless of everything this douchbag did to me and how he ruined my childhood.. he was a father to her and a great one at that. So she must be feeling like an ass..

"Can... where is my phone? God.. Lizzie."

"She's at home with your mom.. should we drive you there...?" Precious asked and I shook my head, not when I'm like this. This numbness and coldness I was feeling would turn me into a cold heartless b***h and I didn't want to be that to my sister.

"I can't.. not while I'm like this... I can't just rock up there and pretend.. I can't."

"Understandable... look you don't have to go to work today. Valentia said so. So please stay..."

"I'll go insane... I need to do something Susan."

Her phone rang and she sighed, "Precious please tell her she can actually work from home. I have to go.. but I'll come check on you during the day... and I need to find you here."

I laid back down, "I'll sleep..."

"Umh.. is this a bad time to ask what happened yesterday...?" Susan asked and I froze.

Walter... I fucken had another man who couldn't take no for an answer on my tale. I didn't want to talk about this or even think about it, so I shook my head, "bad time. Can I get some sleep."

"Yeah I'll make you good and put it in the microwave.." Precious said and I mumbled a thank you.

Sleeping at that time was so difficult 30 minutes later I got a text from Valentia..

VEE: Hey, I'm worried about you after yesterday afternoon. I hope you're okay..

I looked at the text trying to figure out if I should text her back what really happened or not. But then I decided to just say.

ME: Walter has been after me for a while, the incident at the parking lot, the incident in the kitchen.. those are the only times he became touchy. He has wanted me for a while and I told him that I'm not interested, when he found out about my sexuality he made it a point to get under my pants. What happened yesterday freaked me out. I don't know what would have taken place if you didn't arrive. It just triggered some memories that's why I had a hard time talking. I'm sorry.

And sent.

Soon my phone vibrated again.

VEE: I am so sorry you had to go through that again. You should have came to me but that doesn't matter now. I'm glad I walked in while I did because I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you. Leave Walter to me.

Leave Walter to her? Shit.... this woman sent my father to a coma. What was she planning on doing to Walter?

ME: I hope you won't kill him.

VEE: If he's found dead it won't be me.

God. I read that in her voice and I actually heard her say it.

ME: Please don't do anything stupid. You're still needed on this earth.

VEE: Can't guarantee you anything.

Oh my God Valentia. I really hoped she wasn't going to go after this i***t and end up getting arrested or worse. I couldn't stand the thought of that. But of course I didn't type that I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her ever again.

I slowly closed my eyes trying by all means not to let my mind take control. I was tired. I was tired emotionally

.

"So, I want you to know that I'm very proud okay...." that was my mom during her speech on my 16th birthday.

I had specified earlier that I don't want any fuss about this but her and Sipho insisted that they hold a party for us.

Since I was 11 I had turned to hate my birthdays because they had this thing of turning out to bebmy worst days.. I looked over my shoulder and saw my so called father drinking with his friends.

"speeeech..." my school friends started screaming from the crowd.

I shook my head, heck no.. I wasn't going to say s**t. I had no s**t to say.

"Speeeeeech, you only get a sweet 16 once.. so you better say something.." Ayanda, this girl I was dating said and Precious nodded agreeing with Aya, "you gotta say a few words."

I got up. The ceremony wasn't that big, it was just my close friends and their families..

"Thank you so much guys for wasting your time bt being here to celebrate my.. this day with me, I appreciate you so so much... can we get alcohol.. am I legal to drink?" I said and everyone laughed.

"Unfortunately you can't drink.. there's some soft drink for you and your friends that side.

I laughed and went to join my friends, "girls..."

Precious hugged me and the Aya held on for a while before whispering, "you look so hot in that dress.."

I laughed, " haha baby you haven't seen you... besides I'm going to take this off. I need to touch you."

Liezel came in holding a juice bottle, "so.. who's ready to dilute this s**t and act like they arw drinking some juice.."

We all took out glasses and they mixed our drinks with Vodka. I wanted to get wasted and f**k my girlfriend so much..

"We are leaving." Three hours later, around 6pm, My aunt said and I smiled, "thank you for coming Aunty. You're the best..."

I was a bit tipsy..

"Are you guys drinking?"

I bit my lower lip, "what noo what's that...? We don't do that.."

She laughed, "don't drink too much.. you should remember tonight..."

I hugged her and her two kids and they left.

Slowly.. they started to leave until it was just my parents, my little sister, my best friend and my girlfriend.

"I'll be in my room with my friends..." I shouted and my parents nodded. They were still cleaning the dishes from the party and all that.

We reached my room, which I shared with my little sister.. the moment I closed the door I felt a body on my back, "I want you..."

"Hello.. I'm here..." Precious said from Lizzie's bed.

I turned back around and looked at Aya, she was sexy, "I want you too.."

"Wow.. fine.. I'm out. If you guys will pretend like I don't exist."

I laughed at Precious while I hugged my girlfriend, "I love you Rosie you know.. so so much..."

"Yeah whatever.. you guys be safe.. I'll see you tomorrow.."

And she was out.

Aya laughed and I pushed her against the wall, "what were you saying again my lady."

"I want you..."

"You do know that Lizzie can walk in anytime..." I warned and she laughed, "let's make it quick then.. you know what I love.. so make me cum."

I wasted no time in connecting our lips making her sigh and moan in pleasure. Slowly I directed her towards my bed and laid her down climbing on top of her.

She was in a dress making everything easy for me since someone could literally just walk in on us. I hated this about not having a key in here. Sipho could walk in and out as he pleased.

I deepened the kiss trying not to think about my perverted step father..

"Please.. now..." Ayanda whispered and I knew she was ready.

I lifted her dress up and snuck my hand inside her panties and then started playing with her cl#t.

She sighed, "no.. please go in.."

I giggled, "I thought you just wanted me to make you cum."

she shook her head, "just f**k me a bit... I promise I'll be quiet... and we will be quick..."

I smiled, I enjoyed f*****g her so saying no wasn't on my list..

Her nails dug a little dipper on my bacj when I penetrated her and she moaned.

"I thought you weren't going to be loud..." I whispered and the door made a sound. I quickly turned to it and found it closed.

"Shut up and f**k me..."

I laughed but obliged. I gave her the o****m that she wanted... and kissed her before we actually bathed around 9pm and decided to sleep. I was drunk a bit and still tired.

Before I knew it I was fast asleep.

As I was sleeping I felt the bed move a bit and thought maybe that was my girlfriend going to pee or something. I was even fucken lazy to open my eyes.

But when I moved my hand I felt a body next to me and when I touched it it moved away.

Strange.. was she climbing in bed or out of bed.?

I slowly opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend sleeping here facing away from me. I smiled a bit, scooted closer to her and hugged her from behind. She flinched and shook her body off my hold.

Then I could smell the hint of the cigarette and his perfume.... s**t! Was he in here?

"Babe..." I whispered sleepily and she kept quiet..

"Aya.. baby are you okay..? What's wrong?"

"I want to bath..." she said and I got up into a sitting position. Lizzie wasn't in her bed... I turned to my girlfriend, "Ayanda...."

"Just go get me water please..." she said and I hesitated.

"What's wrong? Who was here?"

"Nothing.. no one was here.. come on.. just go please.. nothing is wrong."

I sat there and looked at her.

"Look at me..." my heart was beating so fast. The cigarette that smelled in here reminded me of my dad. Had me questioning if he wasn't doing the worst to her. She was acting strange.

"I want to bath.. I look like shit."

"I've seen you before missy.. don't act all shy now.. so look at me."

"I drank too much.. my eyes are red..can you please help your girlfriend please..."

I rested my hand on her hip and she flinched then pushed me away. This was worrying me.

"Ayanda I love you..."

"I know i***t and I need my water."

I got up and went to warm water for her then she bathed and I gave her a change of clothes. I made us breakfast in the kitchen while she finished up. I took our food and went to my room to join her. Her eyes were red indeed and she just said it's alcohol.

"Are you okay babe..." I asked when we finished off our food.

She swallowed, "yeah.. I'm fine baby.. I just need to go home, I'm tired."

"I'll see you right..." I said and she smiled at me, "you are so cute you know..."

I laughed, she always loved doing this.

I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

We finished eating and I got up, "let me walk you.."

"Umh.. baby no I'm good.. I'll just walk alone..."

I furrowed my brows, "dude come on... I can't let you walk alone."

She shook her head and pulled me into a hug, "I love you.. so so so fucken much it hurts. You mean the world to me okay.. just remember that."

Okay she was being weird. Either she was okay, way too okay or she was not okay and I was fucken confused.

"What's wrong?"

"Can't I tell my girlfriend that I love her..? Coz I love you for real and I want you to know that and keep that in your little beautiful heart..."

"I miss you and you aren't even gone." I said connecting our lips and she deepened the kiss.

"And I love you more.."

She smiled, "I know. I have to go..."

"Can I at least walk you to the gate."

She laughed, "sure."

We walked out of my room to the living room where my mom and Lizzie were playing.. She said bye to them and I walked her out. My father was next to his car. She didn't acknowledge his presence, didn't great him nor even look at him as I said hi to him.

When we reached the gate she pulled me into another hug and whispered how much she loves me. I told her I loved her back..

Without any warning she pulled my face and kissed me. My mind raced to my father who was probably watching us. I pulled away and looked at him and he wasn't there. I looked back at my girlfriend, "you're weird.."

She laughed and kissed me.....

"See you later... or tomorrow at school..."

"Go bath. You smell like pussy."

Little did I know that was the last time I'd see her and the last words she'd utter to me.

The following day she wasn't at school and her phone was off. They reported her missing at the police station...

The following weekend when I decided to clean my room I found a letter under the mattress and the first words I saw killed a part of me then...

IF YOU'RE READING THIS I'M NO LONGER IN THE WORLD OF THE LIVING. I LOVE YOU.. BUT I COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE. HE RUINED ME... AND I'M SO SORRY FOR THIS.....

...

I jumped out of bed with sweat all over my face...

Shit!

Why that memory now? Why Ayanda...? It felt so fucken real...

I was so emotional and felt like s**t. Like couldn't I dream about Lizzie's birthdays other than my ex girlfriend being f****d by my father next to me and she choosing to kill herself?

A knock on my door startled me..

"Come on in."

"You didn't eat... and you're still in the same clothes... didn't you change to something comfortable?"

"Precious..."

"I have food... you look off. What's on your mind."

I sighed, "Ayanda... I had a dream about her. I don't know what's wrong... my father is dead, why would I dream about her."

My friend gave me my food and let me eat...

"I think you'll dream about a lot of things.. him dying is actually making you think about everything he has done."

"I hate him... I hate him..." I said taking out my phone and texting Valentia...

ME: I got a call from my mom. Sipho is dead.

Keep it short and simple.. and that's exactly how I kept it.

After eating I went back to sleep...

When I woke up it was the following day.

Fuck...

I took my phone to check any messages and it was only a few people from work and my little sister. She said she needed me.

Valentia? Nothing from her...

I got up and bathed then went to the kitchen. I was planning on going home today. Putting myself and my feelings on hold and just be there for Lizzie.

The door bell rang.. both my friends left for work.. I wondered who that was.

I slowly went to the door and opened.. to my surprise it was, "Valentia?"

"Can I come in..."

I shrugged, "sure... umh how are you?"

"Ok.. and you?"

"I'm okay.."

"Can I..."

"What?" I asked and she just shook her head and pulled me into a hug. I melted into her hold and inhaled her perfume.. this I needed. Her I needed.

"I'm sorry... I don't know how you feel regarding everything that man put you through... but I know you're strong and you'll be okay in time."

"Thank you.."

We pulled away.

I offered her something to drink and she took it. We sat down and started talking. She told me she fired Walter and that he was never going to work anytime soon.

"Look I hate this but something came up and I have to go to Egypt. Our biggest sponsor there wants to pull out if they can't see me on Friday..."

"What?" My heart kinda hurt heating thay she's leaving. I selfishly wanted her here with me.

"I'll be a phone call away. I know it's not enough and I want to actually be here for you.. but if we lose these guys we are losing people's salaries... I need to go."

I nodded, "I understand you have to go. It's okay.."

We sat there staring at each other. She sighed, "I wish I wasn't going."

"It's okay..."

She leaned over and connected our lips. Took me by surprise but I responded and fell right into her. God I missed this. I missed her.

She pulled away, "I love you okay... and I'll call. I love you Olwethu."

I nodded, "I hear you."

She pulled me into another hug, "I'll see you first thing when I come back.. and we will talk this time.. and I'll be open about a lot of things I wasn't."

I smiled, "alright that would be great.."

She kissed me, "I have to go."

"Promise me you'll come back."

She smiled and kissed me, "hold on to that.. and I'm really sorry about everything that's happening to you right.. you don't deserve any of it."

"I'll be waiting.."

"good because I'll come back."

She got up and I walked her to the door, "just.. if you're wondering. Do go to the funeral... for your sister if not for you...she'll need you."

Fuck yeah.. I was silently wondering.

"I'll think about it."

She kissed me and left.

Wait.. so did Valentia walk in here and tell me she loves me and that we will talk for real this time or was I fucken drunk and delusional?

Fuck okay.. so I tried to calm my nerves and get me ready to go home.

A text came in.

JASMINE: Hey, I know I been gone for a while.. I just.. I'm coming back.. to get what I ran away from. How are you?

Four months later I suddenly exist? Wow...

ME: Hey.. Just, Sipho passed away. I hope you're good.

We exchanged a few texts and she sent her condolences...

I packed my staff and wrote a letter to my friends telling them that I'm going home.

I had no idea what I was going to arrive to and I had no idea how I was going to be... but I knew I had to be there. I had to be there for my little sister.