Finding Joy

Chapter 6

Joy was splayed out in a beanbag, curling her toes as she turned the page of another book. What’s she reading this time? Probably another of my horror novels that’ll give her nightmares. Hard to believe an eleven-year-old would like such frightening stories.

Silly kid. I should tell her to pick something more innocent and age appropriate, like Willy Wonka or The Wizard of Oz. Taking her to places where magic still exists. Unlike her home. I started to point that out, but the picture in Glamour magazine took me back to my own magical time.

Willy WonkaThe Wizard of OzGlamourAnd I remembered the note.

Meet me this afternoon at the Villa Motel, Room 14.

Meet me this afternoon at the Villa Motel, Room 14.I’d blushed when I read what Mr. Wright had slipped onto my desk. Smoothing my hair, I pulled out my compact and checked my lipstick, feeling warm in a way I hadn’t since Alan left.

Stop it now, I thought. He’s married and your boss.

Stop it nowHe’s married and your bossBut he looks like Steve Mc Queen on the screen…

But he looks like Steve Mc Queen on the screen…I’d never even called him by his first name, for God’s sake. And what about his wife? Isn’t she some waif of a thing that’s always at his beck and call? Maybe she doesn’t love him. She never comes around. But if she does, I’d feel terrible.

A week later, Mr. Wright cornered me in the hall leading to the office’s restroom. “Hello, beautiful.”

“Excuse me.” I dodged right, trying to scoot past.

He extended an arm across the door jamb, blocking my entry. “When are you going to let me take you away for a weekend? We could drive up to Monterey. I know this little motel.”

“Mr. Wright,” I interrupted.

“Ron.”

“Ron, please stop. I can’t,” I said with my mouth, but my body betrayed me. I leaned forward, feeling the warmth of his chest. It would feel so wonderful to be pressed up against it.

I shook my head. Think, Iris. Joy’s not even two and that asshole Alan is never going to pay child support. You need this job.

Think,Iris. Joy’s not even two and that asshole Alan is never going to pay child support. You need this job.I knew the score. Married men had been hitting on me since I was sixteen and scooping ice cream at the Thrifty Drug Store. All they wanted was to play around, and once they got off, they’d drop you. I’d been smart enough to stay away from the wolves, but I’d had a girlfriend at Thrifty who had to go away and visit her aunt in Idaho for several months after getting involved with one.

And Alan had left a hole so deep, I couldn’t find my way out. Only saw the darkness. No sky or clouds, barely took care of Joy. It was like I was dead.

I’d fought to claw my way out of that grave and vowed never to let any man return me to it.

“Never say never,” I mumbled.

“What, Mom?”

Did I say that out loud? “Nothing. I just noticed that pants are flaring more now. But I couldn’t wear them. They’d make me look fat.”

Joy giggled. “You never look fat, Mom. Except when?” She raised her eyebrows twice.

I knew what she wanted. Her favorite face. “I don’t know…” I teased. “My hands are tired today.”

“Come on. Please?”

I looked at the clock. Ronny wouldn’t be home for two hours. I curled a lip and then slowly raised my hands to either side of my head. Pressing my palms against both cheeks to smush my face into a Marshmallow Puff Lady, I said in a clown voice, “My mommy’s name is Chubby.”

Joy giggled. I deepened my voice.

“My daddy’s name is Chubby. And my name is Chubby. And when I smile…” I paused to draw out the part the kids loved best. I smashed my lips together and puckered before saying, “… it goes like this!”

I started to bare my teeth, but it wasn’t necessary. Joy was already kicking up her feet and roaring with laughter. Her chubby little toes curled again like when she was little.

God, she’s growing up. Starting to get curves. Not as much as I had when I was eleven, but I think she takes after her father’s side of the family. All straight edges with flat butts and small chests. Unlike me. I’m a winding road with so many curves, I don’t know where one begins and the next ends.

She’s worried about growing but I think she’s fine. I know the other girls in her class are more developed, but I’m glad that she’s late going through puberty. I started at ten and look where that got me. Pregnant at nineteen, married to a gas station attendant who could barely afford our tiny apartment.

When I complained about the mice gnawing on the bread or ruining another box of Corn Flakes, he’d tell me, “Don’t worry, baby, I’m going places.”

Oh, he went somewhere all right. Straight out the door to his new life.

Thank God for Ronny. I know he has his flaws, but he loves me. I know it. Look at our house. On a cul-de-sac in The Estates, with all new appliances and shag carpet. Had it built special. Ronny made sure to get the newest and brightest. Nothing used for him.

Alan still can’t get his act together enough to pay child support. Or visit Joy. Poor kid. She keeps waiting, thinking he’ll come. But the asshole stays away.

Her face is changing, too. She still has baby cheeks that fill up like balloons when she smiles, but there’s a hint of cheekbones now. I also noticed a thoughtfulness in her green eyes, like she’s taking everything in and analyzing it. More so than I ever did.

And he’s missing it all. i***t.