While You Were Pretending

Chapter Twelve

I open the door, expecting to see Peyton, with my argument on the tip of my tongue. Instead, Jackie is there, shivering. I wave my hand, “Jesus, come in.”

I’d just started the fire and poured myself a drink from my dad’s liquor cabinet. I point her to the living room, “Go warm up. Do you want anything from the kitchen?”

“Hot chocolate?”

“Yes, of course.” Trying to make it as fast as I can, I yell across the house. “Did you walk here?”

She yells back, “Yes.”

Drink ready, I walk it to her, “Please don’t tell me all the way from the party.”

“No - no, just from my mom’s.”

“How did you get there?”

She shrugs, “Some kid who knows Peyton. I guess I looked hopeless standing by all the cars. “

“I’m sorry I just left like that.”

She sips her drink and then lets out a huge shudder. I reach over the couch to grab the blanket then drape it over her shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Why were you looking for me? Did Peyton leave, too?”

“I don’t know, maybe? I couldn’t find her either. But she wasn’t home when I got to Mom’s.” After another long sip, she eyes me where I crouch in front of her. “Are you guys okay?”

I lift and move to the armchair, “Not really.”

“I would have thought you guys would want to kiss at midnight. I thought that’s why she asked you inside.”

I look at my watch. I’d missed midnight on the drive home. “Yeah, well.”

“Things have kind of been crazy, huh?”

Easing against the back cushion, I rub my eyes. “Yes.”

There’s a long silence. She looks at me, then to the fire. I look at her, then to the fire. Finally, she sighs, staring down into her drink. “You’ve been really great this week, Luke.”

“You have, too,” I commented softly.

She smiles a little, “I’m glad I’ve had you here to be a sort of buffer.”

I try to catch her eye, “It’s nice to have someone you have so much in common with.”

Her laugh is quiet and breathy, “We’ve kind of had a busy week….” Finally, she looks at me, “Starting today… things are kind of going to be different, huh?”

I think about the agreement between me and Peyton… Christmas, maybe New Year’s. I think of the argument we just had and her plan for us to ‘break up’. I think how everything might actually be turning in my favor. I sit up a little straighter, “Yeah, I guess so.”

“I just… wanted you to know you’ve become a really great friend.”

I can feel my brows furrow and my lips tighten. I nod.

Suddenly she puts her drink on the coffee table and stands. “I just… wanted to say I think you and Peyton will work this out and are a great couple. And I’m just…” she takes a deep breath, “really happy one of us isn’t alone anymore.”

As she starts walking towards the door, I stand, confused and hurt. “Wait, Jackie.”

She holds the door open but doesn’t look at me, “What?”

But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to hurt her; I don’t want to hurt Peyton. I don’t know how to do this. Overall, I’m exhausted… physically, mentally, emotionally. “Do you need a ride back to the hotel?”

She shakes heard head and steps outside. “Not this time.”

*

A wee bit hung-over, a large bit grouchy, I head downstairs for some breakfast. The new year is only in its eleventh hour and it’s already a s**t-show. I had to turn my phone on silent because I had a mass of messages from too many people. And now I feel like just going back to school early, locking myself in my dorm, only reading and eating for the next few weeks.

Dad’s at the far end of the table, sipping coffee and reading his tablet. As I bumble around the kitchen, spilling cereal and almost breaking a glass, he eyes me carefully. When I finally sit down and start shoveling in Frosted Flakes, he asks “You okay there, son?”

I groan and shrug.

“Rough night?”

I shrug again.

He smirks. “Too much to drink?”

“Nope.”

He then frowns. “What happened?”

I frown, shake my head, and crush flakes with my spoon. “Girls are stupid.”

He clears his throat to stop from laughing. “What happened with Peyton, now?”

I lean back in my chair and cross my arms tight over my chest. “She’s a b***h. A crazy bitch.”

He sets his tablet down and c***s a brow. “Did something happen with Jackie?”

“Everything’s f****d up.” He gives me a look to continue. I let out a long sigh and drop my arms and come clean. “When Peyton found out Jackie was coming into town, she asked me to pose as her fake boyfriend. I don’t know why; I don’t get it – but she said it would make her feel better. And at that point, I couldn’t give a f**k about Jackie.

“But now…” I finish rather anticlimactically, “I do.”

“Do… care about Jackie?”

I close my eyes and rub my face. “Yes.”

“Hm. Well….”

“Well?”

He gives me the ‘Dad’ look, “The best thing to do is be honest.”

“I know. But how? Peyton is sticking to her stupid story and even has a plan for us to ‘break up’,” I used finger quotes. “And if I’m honest to Jackie, then she knows I agreed to lie with Peyton and she probably won’t forgive me; I’ll be as bad as her sister.”

“If she cares for you, I don’t think it’ll matter.”

“Peyton should be the one to explain everything. This was her stupid plan. This is her mistake. This is her sister.”

“But doesn’t sound like she’s going to, does it?”

I facepalm. “No…. Not, it doesn’t.” So, somehow, this whole f*****g mess is left for me to clean up.

*

There’s a soft knock on my bedroom door. “Yeah?” I call without looking up from my books.

I familiar female voice asks, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah.”

The door opens but she doesn’t step inside. I look up to see Peyton, holding a bag in front of her stomach. “Hi.”

My stare at her is short, emotionless, then I go back to my book. “What?”

“I brought you the school supplies you picked up when we were out shopping the other day.”

Even though I’m not reading a single word, I still look at the pages in front of me. “Thanks.”

She takes a step into the room, placing the bag next to my desk then asks, “Can I sit down?” When I don’t answer, she does anyway then says, “You haven’t responded to any of my messages. Or Jackie’s…. It’s been three days, Luke….”

“So?”

She sighs. “Is this it?” her voice shakes. “Are we not friends anymore?”

After a long, hard minute, I put my book down. I sit up, crossing my legs, and push a hand through my hair. As I take my time turning to her, I reply, “We are still friends.”

I come to see her eyes full of tears and she’s rubbing her nose. “You’re a really good friend, Luke, a really good guy. I’m sorry.”

I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen her cry and I immediately soften. She continues talking though, rubbing her eyes with her sleeve, “This whole thing got so complicated. Everything in me feels so complicated. I wish I just didn’t care… I wish I didn’t feel anything for my dad or my sister. And sometimes – most of the time, I don’t. Most of the time I don’t feel anything for them.

“But then they reach out or come into town or it’s some stupid holiday and it’s like I’m ten years old again. All these emotions I don’t usually feel… ninety percent of them rear their ugly head and consume me.”

I can hear the panic in her voice. Her breath is quickening and she starts rubbing her chest. “I thought… with everything that I accomplished this semester, that I finally felt sure of myself. I felt confident and strong and like I finally worked through all my childhood bull shit.”

Now she can’t catch her breath and her head is shaking, “But then it all came back.”

Before I know it, I’ve pulled her into a hug, us sitting on the floor. I let her cry into my shoulder, petting her hair down her back. I know I still have anger in my chest, I know we still need to talk, I know there still needs to be a solution, but right now, my best friend needs me. And I will never let her down.