A Hand to Hold

Chapter eighteen

~ Ronan

*

Natalie was livid. I’d never seen her so furious, and it was all directed at me. s**t. I went from being irritated she’d interrupted an important meeting to realizing I’d royally f*cked up.

*

I turned to my colleagues and said, “I apologize, gentleman. It seems my wife requires a private word.”

“I didn’t know you were shackled, Ó Ceallaigh,” Frank commented, earning him a glare from Natalie. The man was a valuable business associate but a major prick. “I am recently married,” I replied. “If you don’t mind, I will have Katrina prepare some refreshments for you in the executive dining room.” That perked their ears up enough to get them out of my office.

*

I’d hardly closed the door before Natalie rounded on me. “Why the f*****g, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, hell did you lie to me, Ronan Ó Ceallaigh?!” I rethought the wisdom in teaching her to swear properly. “Sit down, bean chéile,” I calmly told her. Given Natalie’s current state, phrasing it as a command was a big mistake. “I will NOT sit down!” she yelled, pointing a finger at me. “And don’t you dare call me your wife. I am not going to be your wife for much longer.” Her insinuation had me struggling to remain in control of my temper. “You will be my wife until the day I die, Natalie Ó Ceallaigh,” I growled. “Now sit the f**k down and let me explain.” Her facial expression did not falter, but she did as she was told.

*

I sat on the arm of the opposite sofa and steadied my voice as I said, “I assume, given your anger toward me, you’ve become aware of the full scope of my father’s will, particularly the conditions of obtaining ownership of OCE?” She didn’t speak; she merely looked at me with acid in her eyes. Furious as she was, she still looked so damn beautiful in her feminine pink dress. I hadn’t expected her to be this angry when she learned the truth, but then again, I’d planned to tell her myself when the time was right.

*

“It was not my intent to deceive you,” I claimed. Natalie scoffed in disbelief as she spat back, “You deliberately married me while withholding a vital piece of information! If that’s not intent to deceive, I don’t know what is.” She folded her arms and faced away from me, which hurt more than I cared to admit. “I still wouldn’t know the truth,” Natalie said, “if your grandmother hadn’t accidentally brought it up, assuming I already knew. She’s pissed at you, too, by the way.” Good grief, that’s all I needed on top of everything else— my grandmother’s ire.

*

Natalie’s head whipped back in my direction as she asked, “Exactly when were you planning on telling me?” I didn’t have an answer. I ran my hands through my hair, searching for words before sitting beside her. “Natalie, please—”

“Please, what, Ronan? Tell me how I’m supposed to feel, knowing your only motivation for marrying me was to knock me up?!”

“It’s not like that,” I replied firmly, insulted by her accusation.

“What’s it like then? Because I’m struggling to understand your motives here.”

“Children are a natural progression of marriage. And you’ve mentioned wanting kids one day, it was a factor in why I chose you.”

“This isn’t about whether or not I want kids. This is about TRUST.” Her frustration got the better of her, and she got to her feet and exclaimed, “God, Ronan, I can’t even trust you anymore!”

“That is not true,” I insisted as I also stood.

“Isn’t it? Then why didn’t you tell me this upfront?”

“Because I wanted you!”

*

Natalie looked at me in surprise as I explained, “I’d spent more than a year trying to find a woman I could live with. You and I spent nearly every day together over that same year, and the day I learned you were in danger was the same day I realized you were the only woman who DIDN’T drive me crazy. I couldn’t risk you saying no to my proposal. I needed you.”

“And I needed trust, Ronan! You couldn’t risk being upfront, so you manipulated me. As a businessman, you know the consequences of misleading the shareholders. You damn well should’ve known better!” She pinched the bridge of her nose as she paced around the room before stopping in front of the windows.

*

“What do you want me to say, Natalie?” I asked, doing my best to keep my voice even.

“The truth!” she shouted at me.

“Okay, you want the truth? Here it is,” I began dulcetly as I stalked toward her. “I counted on you wanting me. The only thing I’m good at when it comes to women is thoroughly satisfying them.” She rolled her eyes and muttered, “Nevynosimyy chelovek.” It was the first time I’d heard Russian pass her lips, and I f*cking loved it, even if she was calling me an insufferable man.

*

I moved closer to Natalie. Our bodies nearly touched as I leaned closer and alluringly whispered, “Odna noch’ v moyey posteli, i ya garantiruyu, chto ty ne nazovesh’ menya nevynosimoy.” (One night in my bed, and I guarantee you won’t be calling me insufferable.) I heard her breath hitch. For just a second, I’d affected her.

*

Natalie quickly regained her composure, put her hands on my chest, and pushed me backward, which she couldn’t have done if I hadn’t let her. “You cocky bastard!” she exclaimed.

“You know,” I casually interjected, “for someone so insulted when I curse at her, you’re sure doing a lot of cursing at me.”

“That’s because you damn well deserve it, you arrogant ass! You were so certain in your ability to seduce me the thought never occurred to you that I would need more than a bit of charm and a few sensual words before jumping into bed with you.”

“Such as?”

“Love.”

“I never promised love; you knew that.”

“No,” she lowered her voice. “but for you, I was willing to settle for trust… until you shot that horse in the face.”

*

The wheels in my head were spinning. My mind tried and failed to make sense of Natalie’s words. Something didn’t add up. Then it hit me like a grand piano. “You told me you have never been in love before,” I stated.

“I haven’t,” she confirmed. Holy Mary, Mother of God! That could only mean one thing. “Natalie, are you … are you a virgin?” I held my breath, awaiting her answer, but she turned away. “Look at me, damn it!” I yelled. I felt an immediate pang of regret when she flinched at my voice.

*

I tenderly put my hands on my wife. I didn’t force her to turn. Instead, I held her steady as I moved to stand in front of her. “Natalie,” I said softly. “Please… look at me.” She slowly tilted her head up, then nodded at my question. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked as gently as I could muster.

“You didn’t ask,” she muttered meekly.

*

Natalie was right. I never asked about her s****l history. I’d assumed she’d been with other guys. And like every other assumption I’d made about her from the day we met, I’d been entirely wrong. I vowed never to make assumptions about Natalie’s character ever again.

*

The woman who had stormed into my office, full of fury, moments ago was now so subdued. I hated seeing the drastic change in Natalie’s demeanor. I knew my continued silence didn’t help the situation, but I had no words. Before I could summon a reasonable response, Natalie grabbed her purse from the couch and rushed out of my office. I wish I could say I ran after her, but the revelation of her virginity had me frozen to the spot.

*

Moments later, when the shock of Natalie’s visit subsided, I remembered my associates waiting in the executive dining room. I moved toward the door just as Katrina came through. “You’ve been married less than three days. How do you manage to screw up so thoroughly?” she asked.

“I just got an earful from my wife; I don’t need any grief from you, thank you very much,” I snapped at her.

*

I plopped down on the sofa and let my head fall back as I draped an arm over my face. I sensed Katrina move closer as she informed me, “Frank Harmon and Stephen Long had another appointment to get to, so I rescheduled your meeting with them for tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” I replied without moving my arm. I hoped she would leave me be, but I should’ve known that was not in Katrina’s nature.

*

I felt the couch dip slightly as my assistant sat beside me. “I can hear the wheels turning in your brain,” she said, “If you need help working out whatever problem you’ve gotten yourself into, need I remind you, I AM your wife’s best friend?”

*

I removed my arm from my face and tilted my head in her direction. “Did you know she’s a virgin?”

“Of course, I knew. Why? Didn’t you?”

“No.”

“That must have come as a shock.”

“To say the least. How does a woman as beautiful as her make it to twenty-three without losing her virginity?”

“Natalie didn’t want to give it up for anything less than love. She never found love. Ergo, a 23-year-old virgin. Although, now she is a married 23-year-old virgin, thanks to you. Likely the only one in existence.”

“F*ck.”

*

Katrina let me mull things over for all of ten seconds before she stated, “You need to go talk to her.”

“I need time to work out what to say. I’ll talk to her when I get home tonight.”

“If you let her stew over this all day, you won’t have a wife to go home to.” Damn. Katrina was right. I needed to fix things with Natalie while I still had the chance. First, I had to decide if I still wanted her. As boorish as that sounds, I had to be sure. I owed it to her to be sure.

*

A virgin. I had a virgin wife. I had no idea what to do with a virgin wife. I thought back on the night I’d convinced her to marry me. I understood her hesitation better now. She’d been concerned about our physical compatibility, a concern I immediately dismissed. I’d been so confident in my ability to please her. It never occurred to me that she didn’t even know what pleased her.

*

I needed to focus on what I knew and move forward from there. I knew Natalie was special. I knew finding anyone better to be my wife was unlikely. I knew she needed me as much as I needed her. If all that was true, I had to find a way to navigate this uncharted territory. How could I become worthy of being the only man she’d ever be with? My incapability to love left me with but one option. I had to do whatever it took to earn back Natalie’s trust. That was the only way forward.

*

“Katrina, see what you can do about clearing my schedule,” I said. “I’m going home.”

“Atta boy,” she responded, smacking my arm. Katrina passed me my coat as I headed for the elevator. When the doors opened on the garage level, I spotted Harrison and the Rolls, but my wife was nowhere to be seen.

*

“Did Natalie not come down here?” I asked my driver.

“No, sir, I thought she was still upstairs.” I quickly withdrew my phone from my breast pocket and dialed Natalie. When the call went to voicemail, I dialed Katrina. “Hello?” she answered.

“Is Natalie with you?”

“No,” she replied in confusion. “The last time I saw her, she was storming out of your office.”

“Go check your apartment. She has the code; she may have gone there.”

“I’ll call you right back.” I hung up and waited. Harrison looked as concerned as I felt.

*

I answered Katrina’s returned call halfway through the first ring. “Did you find her?”

“She’s not here,” Katrina reported. Dread began to creep over me, but I ignored it as I focused on my assistant’s voice, “Are you sure she’s still in the building?”

“Harrison’s still here, where else would she be?”

“Have you checked for her car?” she suggested.

“No. She knows I don’t want her going anywhere on her own.”

“Yeah, but she’s pissed at you, remember?”

*

After mentally kicking myself for failing to take Natalie’s emotional state into account, I headed for the employee parking as I asked Katrina, “Where is her spot?”

“E16.” In no time at all I located the spot only to find it vacant. “Her car is gone,” I said into the phone before disconnecting.

*

I knew I’d hurt Natalie, which I greatly regretted. But her carelessness made me furious. She foolishly let her displeasure with me tempt her into danger. If Alexi could find her apartment in under an hour, there was no doubt in my mind that he’d recognize her car.

*

I walked back to Harrison and said, “Take me home.” I opened the back door myself as he promptly entered the driver’s seat. On the way home, I called Marie, hoping she could verify Natalie’s arrival. I was afforded no peace of mind, however, as Marie was currently out grocery shopping.

*

Harrison made the drive in record time, and I leapt from the car before he’d shifted to park. Once through my front door, I called for Natalie but received no response. I searched all the main rooms, calling her name as I went. Nothing. She was not home.

*

Completing my search, I met Harrison in the entryway and reported, “She’s not here.” The worry on his face reflected my own. Wracking my brain for ideas, I asked him, “Did she say anything earlier that might indicate where she would go?”

“She mentioned needing to do some shopping but didn’t specify where or what kind.”

“Did she go anywhere before the office?”

“She had lunch with your grandmother.”

*

I sighed in understanding as the puzzle pieces began to fall into place. During lunch with Móraí, Natalie discovered the extent of my father’s will and set out to confront me. My withholding the truth had not only triggered Natalie’s anger but my grandmother’s as well. And if there was one thing I knew about women, when they were pissed off at the same person, they loved to join forces.

*

After failing to reach my grandmother by phone, I turned to Harrison and said, “Take me to Brigid’s.” We immediately set out for Móraí’s townhouse. I must’ve called Natalie’s phone over a dozen times along the way. I prayed I’d find her safe and sound in Lincoln Park because I was out of ideas.

*

When I rang the bell at my grandmother’s house, Móraí herself opened the door. “I don’t think I have ever been more disappointed in you, buachaill,” she announced as I passed the threshold.

“You can yell at me later. First, I have to know if Natalie’s here.”

“Here?” she repeated in confusion. “Of course, she’s not here. I haven’t seen her since she abruptly departed our lunch. Why would she be here?”

“I can’t find her, and she isn’t answering her phone.”

*

Dread intensified to full-blown panic, and my grandmother was not oblivious to my distress. She gently touched my arm and assured me, “She probably just needed to cool down. Don’t worry, you will find her.”

“She’s not safe on her own, and I don’t know where else to look.”

“Why is her safety a cause for concern?” When I didn’t answer, she looked at me intently and said, “What don’t I know, Ronan?”

“We don’t have time to get into it right now. I have to find her.”

*

“Harrison said she wanted to do some shopping today,” I said, thinking out loud. “The only thing that comes to mind she might be shopping for is a gown for the Christmas gala.”

“Let me go with Harrison,” Móraí suggested as she reached for her purse on the entry table. “We will search the gown shops. You take my car home and wait there in case Natalie returns.” She cupped my face and added, “She will come home, son. I’m sure of it.”

*

I’d never doubted my grandmother’s love, though, she wasn’t usually outwardly affectionate. She only called me ‘son’ when she felt exceptionally motherly. Despite the difficulty in going home to wait, I heeded Móraí’s instructions.

*

When I arrived home again, I tossed the keys to Brigid’s Lincoln on the kitchen island. I decided to go through the house one more time, just in case. But I didn’t find Natalie. I slid my fingers through my strawberry-blonde hair for the hundredth time and rubbed my beard in frustration. My wife could be anywhere. She could be fine. Or … she could be with Alexi. My blood ran cold at the mere thought. I couldn’t shake the nauseating feeling that I’d failed Natalie.

*

I was about to dial Natalie’s number for the umpteenth time when a strange sound caught my attention. Was that… singing? I moved toward the sound in a trance. When I reached the stairs, the sound became unmistakable. It was most definitely singing.

*

Upstairs, I followed the siren’s song emanating from behind the closed door of the fourth bedroom— the empty bedroom. I hadn’t even thought to check there, seeing as it’d been vacant since I moved in years ago. Why would anybody be in there? To solve that mystery, I slowly turned the knob and noiselessly pushed the door open. And there I found my wife.

*

Natalie faced away from me, though I noticed the earbuds she wore, explaining why she hadn’t responded to my calls. Her hair was in a bun atop her head, and she wore ratty jeans with a tank top under a paint-stained apron. An easel stood before her, holding the canvas Natalie was deeply focused on painting. As she worked, she sang along to some unheard song. Utterly transfixed, I leaned on the doorframe to watch and listen.

*** Natalie singing softly. ***

“Tell me more; tell me something I don’t know.

Did we come close to having it all?

If you’re gonna waste my time,

Let’s waste it right.

And hold me while you wait.”

***

Natalie’s head nodded, and she swayed to the beat as she sang. I craved to put my hands on her delectable hips. Her voice was beautiful, and the song sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it.

*

Beside Natalie stood a tray table covered in tubes of oil paints and an array of brushes. When she turned to swap brushes, she caught me in her peripheral vision and jumped in alarm as her hand flew over her chest. “Geez, Ronan!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note:

The song is Hold Me While You Wait, by Lewis Capaldi.