A Hand to Hold

Chapter twenty-two

~ Ronan

*

“Me?” Natalie asked, looking wide-eyed. “I don’t know the first thing about event planning.”

“Nonsense,” my grandmother waved her off. “You are the perfect person to take over the gala. All you need are my notes, which you can get out of my desk at home. Ronan, you be sure to get her everything she needs.” I would give my grandmother a lung at this point if she asked me to. I was just happy to hear her ordering me about again.

*

Móraí looked very weak, but her attitude hadn’t changed a bit. Natalie stammered, searching for the words to absolve her of the monstrous task my grandmother volunteered her for. I knew better than anyone; there was nothing Natalie could say. When Brigid Ó Ceallaigh gave marching orders, she expected marching. And Natalie was far more capable than she realized. If there was one thing I knew about my wife, it was her struggle with confidence. I took it upon myself to fix that. In fact, there was a lot I intended to fix, starting with her trust in me.

*

I’d undergone a massive transformation over the past twenty-four hours. I’d never been the type to embrace change, seeing it akin to a root canal; slow and painful. Therefore, it shocked me how naturally my outlook on relationships had shifted practically overnight. And it was all because of Natalie.

*

My wife had selflessly pushed everything aside to support me. All her anger and resentment that caused her to avoid me for days, she put on hold to take care of me. She was an angel. The most astonishing thing was how a gesture as simple as her hand in mine could have such a profound effect on me. As though having her hand to hold meant everything would be alright. The worry and fear over my grandmother’s condition eased at Natalie’s touch. She had a power over me I couldn’t have predicted. One I was beginning to believe I couldn’t live without.

*

“My goodness, Natalie, you’re acting as if I’ve asked you to build an ark!” Móraí proclaimed. “It’s only a gala.”

“But I have zero experience with this sort of thing,” Natalie reiterated.

“Everything is mostly done. All you have to do is oversee the final details.” Natalie nervously gnawed at her bottom lip but ultimately answered, “I suppose… if it means that much to you—”

“It does. And there is no one I trust more to carry on my vision than you.”

*

“Of course, Brigid. I’ll do whatever I can,” Natalie agreed, but she continued fiddling with her long hair apprehensively. My wife was a saint. She’d known my grandmother less than a week but treated her as her own, accepting an intimidating task to avoid upsetting Móraí in her fragile state. Witnessing Natalie’s selflessness and care directed at the woman who raised me chipped away at my heart of stone.

*

When the doctor came in to evaluate my grandmother and provide us with a plan for her recovery, Natalie moved to leave the room. I knew her intent was to give my family privacy, but she seemed to forget she’d recently become a part of it. I pulled her close to my side and uttered, “Stay, please.” She relaxed against me, and we sat in the bedside chairs together as the doctor spoke.

*

The physician’s instructions were clear. After at least another fortnight in the hospital, my grandmother would need a home nurse for a while, as well as physical therapy. Naturally, Móraí protested and objected at every turn, claiming she only needed to go home and rest. Did she not realize she’d just endured major surgery? The woman had ordered me around all my life. Well, now, it was my turn.

*

“Móraí, listen to me.” I said sternly, “We nearly lost you. I refuse to go through that again simply because you’re too damn stubborn to listen to reason. Therefore, I will personally see to it you do everything the doctor tells you, and I won’t hear a word against it.”

*

My grandmother gaped at me, stunned by a level of assertiveness I’d never directed at her in the past. I worried she would try to scold me, and I couldn’t risk her getting worked up in her fragile condition. With no alternative, I left the room, claiming I needed coffee, though I’d just consumed every drop Natalie brought me.

*

I wandered across the hall into the waiting area and dropped into a chair against the wall. I leaned my elbow on the armrest and rested my face in my hand. The caffeine coursing through my body had little effect on my fatigue, and I knew if I sat still long enough, I’d drift off to sleep. A moment later, I sensed another presence beside me, and I looked over to see Natalie as she took ahold of my free hand. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t chastise me for upsetting my grandmother or advise me to calm down or go home. She simply sat there without a word, holding my hand.

*

Natalie became my anchor with the smallest of gestures, effectively calming the storm inside me. Was that all that had been missing all these years? A hand to hold? Could it really be that simple? No. Not with anyone. But perhaps, with Natalie, it could be. That morning, as I watched her enter my grandmother’s hospital room with flowers and food, I knew she was a blessing meant only for me. I saw her for the first time as the gift she was and decided, in that moment, embracing the comfort only she could pour into me, that I would give our marriage a real chance.

*

Once I’d gotten my emotions under control, I sat up straighter in my seat, cleared my throat, and said, “Thank you for agreeing to take over the gala. That gave my grandmother a great deal of peace of mind.”

“I’m happy to help any way I can. I just really hope I don’t make a mess of it,” she expressed timidly.

“You won’t,” I assured her. “You’re entirely capable, lass. I know that for a fact. And remember, if you need any help, you can just ask Cynthia. She’s been the assistant charity director for the last couple years. She knows the ins and outs on how my grandmother runs things.”

*

Natalie’s expression suddenly became unreadable, which was strangely out of character for her. “Ronan?”

“Yes, bean chéile?”

“Who is Cynthia to you? I mean, Maddie told me she is David’s daughter, and that you and she were friends in school, but who is she to you now?”

*

The insecurity in Natalie’s voice sparked suspicion. Was she seriously jealous of Cynthia? It was hard to come to any other conclusion, but the absurdity of such a thought was downright laughable. I shifted in my seat to better face her as I began my explanation, hoping it would quell any doubt. “Cynthia is an old friend, that’s true, but she is also an ex-girlfriend … of sorts.”

“Of sorts?” she asked skeptically. “What does that mean?”

“It means that in our early twenties, we had a… friends-with-benefits kind of arrangement. Neither of us wanted to be tied down.”

*

I cleared my throat and continued, “After a year of casual s*x, Cynthia began hinting and pushing for a committed relationship. I could not give her that. When I decided to put an end to our arrangement, that’s when it became clear how emotionally invested she’d become without me realizing. I don’t think I broke her heart— merely dashed her expectations. Still, I’ve always regretted my part in how we ended things. We eventually mended our friendship, but that debacle is the reason I made the rule for myself never to sleep with the same woman twice.”

“Because you care.”

“Don’t make me sound more compassionate than I am, lass. I cared that I hurt Cynthia because she’s a friend. I don’t care about other women, only to avoid creating more drama, which I simply don’t have patience for.”

*

“So, where do you and Cynthia stand now?” Natalie asked cautiously. I sighed and replied, “We’re friends who see one another from time to time when our jobs coincide. She works as the assistant charity director of OCE, and sometimes, we’ve been known to attend work functions together. You might even hear the press speculate that we’re in a relationship because we’re repeatedly seen together. I assure you, we are not and have not been in nearly a decade.”

*

Despite my best efforts, Natalie didn’t look convinced. Where had all this insecurity come from all of a sudden? Was it because of my s****l history with Cynthia? Or being reminded of my promiscuous lifestyle before we married? It occurred to me Natalie’s lack of experience with s*x meant she had little understanding of casual relationships. I’d have to work overtime to reassure her— no woman on earth had a hold on me. If any such woman even came close, it would be the one sitting beside me.

*

I hadn’t had a lengthy conversation with Natalie in days. I desperately wanted to talk to her about everything. I needed the chance to convince her she could safely put her trust in me. I also needed to find the right moment and words to convince her I planned to pour all my efforts into making ours a real marriage. But now was not the time nor the place.

*

“Ronan,” Maddie called from the doorway of my grandmother’s room. “She wants to talk to you. Alone.” Natalie gave my hand a squeeze and sent me a reassuring smile. Then she stood and headed down the hallway with my sister.

*

When I re-entered my grandmother’s room, I half-expected her to scold me for speaking to her the way I had. But she didn’t look angry. In fact, she looked concerned. “Sit, mo cuishle,” she said. When I did, she calmly began, “Ronan, you know I have put you first all your life.”

“I know, Móraí. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Unfortunately, a day will come when you’ll find out.”

“Please, don’t talk like that. You will recover quickly, I’m sure.”

“This time, perhaps. There will eventually come a time when I won’t. It is the inevitable process of life, mo cuishle. Even with all your money and power, you cannot fight it.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I whispered.

“Because there is a lesson I have yet to succeed in teaching you. A lesson you have fought against your entire life.”

“What’s the lesson, Móraí?”

“Life is about people, Ronan. The relationships we form and the love we share. A life without connection is no life at all.”

*

I stared at our linked hands on the bed as my grandmother continued, “When your grandfather passed just before you were born, I felt so lost and broken. I didn’t know how I would go on living.”

“I never want to be in that position,” I explained. She squeezed my hand in response and said, “But then you were born. When I held you in my arms for the first time and looked into your little face, I saw Seamus again and recognized my new purpose in life. God eased my grief and gave me reason when I learned you needed me.”

“And I love you as my mother, Móraí, you know that.”

“I do, but you haven’t allowed yourself to love another person in all these years. It’s not healthy, Ronan. And it is no way to live. Empty.”

“What you call empty, I call safe. I am not weighed down by emotions. I have control and clarity. Otherwise, I couldn’t have achieved the success I have.”

“Have you forgotten what I’ve always told you? Is fearr a bheith i do phearsa ná mar fhear acmhainne.”

*

As my grandmother spoke those Irish words, I absentmindedly rubbed my right inner arm, near my bicep, where my tattoo was. “I could never forget those words, Móraí.”

“Good, then you know that although I am immensely proud of your success, I sometimes feel it has crippled you.”

“It hasn’t.”

“That is what you will have to prove. Why do you think your father made the provisions he did?”

“You knew the reason?”

“Of course, I knew. After Patrick’s cancer diagnosis, he confided in me his biggest concern for you.” I didn’t know what to say.

*

The relationship between my father and his mother had been strained ever since he married Helena. It came as a surprise that he’d expressed such concerns with her, though I understood why he felt it necessary. He knew I’d need her to help me with the conditions of my inheritance. It was ironic that the man behind the reason I refused to love another was also the man who insisted I needed to. Losing my mother nearly destroyed him. How could I ever allow myself to be that vulnerable?

*

“Ronan,” Móraí spoke softly, “if you ever hope to obtain ownership of Ó Ceallaigh Enterprises, you will have to open your heart.” Again, I did not know how to respond. OCE wouldn’t be what it was without me; that was a fact. My father did well, but I did better. I could leave the company, cut all ties with my father’s legacy, let Maddie take over, and make my horrid ex-stepmother happy in the process. I needn’t go along with my father’s ridiculous wishes for me to marry and produce offspring. I had what it took to start again from scratch. I had the know-how, the contacts, and the funds— if I put up everything in my personal account and liquidated most of my assists. It would be the most challenging undertaking of my career, but I was confident in my odds of success. I was quickly becoming less confident in my odds of a successful marriage.

*

I was at a crossroads. At one point, I’d believed following the will’s stipulations to be the easier path. But the past week with Natalie, and the mistakes I’d made right off the bat, led me to believe it might be easier to let her go and start over. If I couldn’t succeed in regaining her trust, it was all a moot point anyway.

*

The question was… could I let Natalie go? The short and simple answer was no. I didn’t want to. I’d only begun to scratch the surface on learning how special she was, and I wanted to dig deeper. The path with her may prove to be more challenging, but that made it no less appealing. Could I open my heart to her if that’s what it came down to? If she ended up demanding more from me, the way Cynthia had, would I be capable of giving her that? When had this become more about my wife and less about the business? “I see I’ve given you much to think about, mo cuishle.” Indeed, she had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~