A Hand to Hold

Chapter forty

~ Ronan

*

Why did other males insist on hugging my wife? That was my first thought when I parked at Melody Norris’ residence and saw Natalie in another man’s embrace. But once I saw her standing on the porch, hands in her pockets, looking so unsure of how to react to my presence, I knew the only thing that mattered was having her in my arms again. The warmth of Natalie’s body effectively drove away the chill in my heart brought about by her absence.

*

“Ronan,” Natalie uttered as she put her hands on my chest and pulled back to look at me. “What are you doing here?” I brushed the stray hairs out of her face and replied, “You’re here,” as if it were the most obvious answer. Did she truly believe I wouldn’t come after her? “This is my home,” she clarified. “Yours is in Chicago.” I was wounded by the implication her home wasn’t with me. “You are my wife. That hasn’t changed,” I said. “And I had to see for myself that you were safe.”

*

“Ronan, don’t you think,” she said wearily, “… don’t you think we’re far too different to make this work? I mean, it’s been less than a month, and we seem to hit roadblocks at every turn.”

“That’s life, a ghrá,” I answered with a shrug. “We’ve also overcome every roadblock. That should tell you something.”

“But—” I put my hands under her jaw and my thumbs softly on her lips to stop her from rebutting.

*

With our faces mere inches apart, I said, “Baby, listen to me. We may have our differences, but we do work together. You asked me why I’m here. Apart from wanting to ensure your safety, I came to tell you— I was wrong, and you were right.” It was exceedingly rare I ever admitted being wrong. But I was willing to swallow a healthy dose of humility for my wife.

*

Natalie’s eyes softened a little as she asked, “Right about what specifically?”

“Is there somewhere we can go to talk?” She nodded and replied, “Let’s go inside,” before leading me into the house.

*

Everything about Melody’s home felt quaint and relaxed. I pictured young Natalie growing up there as we walked through the cozy living room. When we entered the kitchen, she gestured for me to have a seat at the breakfast table by the windows and offered, “Coffee?” Having hardly slept the night before, despite the sleeping pill, I nodded gratefully. I needed all the caffeine I could get.

*

As I surveyed the many treats covering the table, Natalie set a steaming cup of coffee in front of me and said, “I know you don’t usually eat carbs, but feel free to help yourself to anything you want.” Anything I want? I thought. What I wanted was her. “I’m good,” I said. “What is all this? A family bake-off or something?”

“Oh, um… well,” she stammered nervously and began fiddling with the end of her hair that fell over her shoulder. “I bake… when I’m upset.”

“I see.” I took stock of everything on the table and realized the extent of what I’d put her through.

*

Gulping down hot Java, I tried to organize my thoughts. The night I’d convinced Natalie to marry me. I’d been so cool and collected making my pitch. But now, emotions I’d long kept at bay threatened to overtake my composure. I could no longer ignore the possibility of letting love in because it was already banging on the walls of my heart and would not be dismissed.

*

Natalie’s voice pulled me out of my reverie, “Ronan.” My name on her lips grew sweeter with each occurrence. She leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing her arms protectively as she said, “You’re being awfully quiet, considering you came all this way to speak to me.” I cleared my throat and replied, “I’m merely trying to decide where to begin.”

“You mentioned I was right. About what exactly?”

*

I drained the rest of my coffee and set the still-hot mug aside as I said, “You were right when you said the Cynthia I know is merely a persona. I was wrong to dismiss your judgment, which turned out to be dead on.”

“How did you come to that conclusion?” she wanted to know.

“I spoke to her about that night at Sheila’s party and paid close attention to her reaction. There were subtle signs.”

“Go on.”

“She claimed it was you who threatened her.”

“Of course she did,” Natalie muttered under her breath.

“You didn’t want me to sever my connection to David after he threatened you, so I knew you never would’ve threatened Cynthia. When I made it clear to her I would not be so easily swayed, she reminded me of a vacation we took together, back when we were…”

“f*****g,” she finished for me.

“Yes.”

“She was trying to seduce you, wasn’t she?”

“I believe so.”

*

I stood and slowly approached Natalie, saying, “I should have been more receptive to what you were trying to tell me. I’m sorry, a ghrá.” She bit her lip for a second. I was dying to kiss her, but I was determined to receive her forgiveness first.

*

“The issue is about more than simply who was right or wrong, Ronan,” Natalie pointed out.

“I know,” I said, taking a step closer. “I shouldn’t have left, regardless of who was right. I should’ve been more perceptive to how it would impact you— leaving you alone on Christmas. At the time, I wasn’t thinking about how often you’d been left alone since you moved in. A problem I plan to rectify as soon as possible.” I’d hoped reminding her of my plans to do whatever necessary to dissolve the Russian threat would ease her furor.

*

Standing mere inches apart, Natalie craned her neck to look up at me. In her eyes, I saw the deep well of doubt that had overtaken in the single day we’d been separated. It was then I realized the extent of the damage my lack of trust in her had caused.

*

“Ronan, I appreciate you coming all this way to tell me this in person,” Natalie began, “but it doesn’t change the fact that I am simply not cut out to be your wife.” I looked at her in confusion. Was she truly this far gone? I wouldn’t accept her giving up on us. I had to reach her and eradicate the doubt caused by my own idiocy.

*

“What are you saying?” I whispered. “You’re giving up? That doesn’t sound like you. It sounds like you’ve allowed the obstructive opinions of others to diminish your confidence.”

“It’s not that, Ronan.”

“Then what is it? What’s got you ready to run before we’ve even given this a real shot?”

“It’s like I said before— we are simply too different. And…”

“And? And what? Tell me.”

“And it was a fallacy to believe I was capable of staying with someone who could never love me.” Her words came tumbling out as though she barely had the courage to speak them aloud.

*

Natalie took a breath and continued, “I thought trust and respect would be enough. But a person can only trust another to a certain extent… without love. You married me with no intention of ever loving me— I knew that. But now… I understand why these problems keep popping up between us. Because I foolishly allowed myself to hope for a future with you that would never be possible. It’s not your fault— it’s mine.”

*

Natalie looked away from me in defeat, which bothered me more than her words. “Nat, look at me,” I said. When she did, I declared, “We aren’t all that different.”

“Ronan—”

“No, listen. We’re both stubborn. You hate being controlled, and I hate being questioned. In the past, we both prioritized work over relationships. These roadblocks, as you call them, are perfectly normal for two people who’ve never been in a serious relationship. They will come up less and less often.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I can’t. But I am sure I don’t want to be married to anyone but you.”

*

I reached for her arms, gently uncrossing them as I took ahold of her hands. At once, I noticed her bare ring finger and felt as though I’d been rammed in the chest by a raging bull. But if I acted on my outrage, it would only solidify her decision to keep her distance. I forced myself to swallow those feelings and focus on what I came for. The ring didn’t matter. A radical change in outlook from a mere month ago… but a promising one.

*

“Natalie,” I began, grasping her hands. “I came all this way for three reasons. The first— because I was worried about your safety. The second— to apologize and admit fault.” I paused, searching for words, a struggle that didn’t plague me often.

“And the third?” she asked impatiently. I locked eyes with hers and confidently declared, “I wanted to tell you in person, from this point forward, I am one hundred percent committed to us. No more holding back.”

“What does that even mean?” I gently kissed both of her knuckles and answered, “It means… I don’t want to lose you. Therefore, if you need more from me, I’ll do everything within my power to give it to you.”

*

I leaned forward, resting my forehead against hers, and awaited Natalie’s response. It was torture not knowing what was going through her mind. The longer she remained silent, the more I worried my words were not enough.

*

I was gutted by the insecurity in Natalie’s voice when she muttered, “Do you think it’s possible for you to ever love me?” This sweet, innocent soul deserved leaps and bounds better than me. Unwilling to make promises I couldn’t keep, I replied, “Opening ourselves up to love is a risk, but one I’m willing to take… for you.”

*

I met Natalie’s eyes again. The doubt still lingered, along with insecurity and a touch of fear. I placed her hands on my chest, freeing mine to cup her chin, as I brought my lips down on hers. With the way she’d been looking at me, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she pushed me away. I harbored my own share of doubt, something I’d never experienced with a woman. Fear of Natalie putting an end to our relationship triggered many new emotions in me. She didn’t pull away, however. Instead, she rose up onto her toes, leaning into my kiss. That was all the encouragement I needed. She was mine, and she always would be.

*

When our kiss slowly came to an end, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. A reassessment of Natalie’s eyes revealed the fear and doubt had waned, replaced with a sliver of hope. I grazed my thumb across her cheekbone and softly asked, “Will you come home with me, baby?” My chest warmed by the soft smile she emitted as she answered, “Yes… but I’m not ready to leave Aunt Mel just yet.”

“Of course,” I replied with an ease I’d not felt since before our rift.

*

After basking in the relief I hadn’t screwed up beyond repair, I couldn’t stop myself from mentioning her naked ring finger. I brought her left hand to my lips and, after a quick kiss, said, “Didn’t you promise me you’d never take your rings off again, a ghrá?”

“I kept my promise,” she replied as she pulled out a chain from underneath her shirt. And there, dangling from the end of her necklace, were her wedding rings.

*

“I didn’t take them off because I no longer wanted to be married,” Natalie clarified. “I took them off because apart from Aunt Mel, no one around here knows I’m married. I didn’t want people asking a bunch of questions when I wasn’t even sure where we stood.” I nodded and replied, “I understand. But you should know where I stand— I want you as my wife till the day I die. I promised you a divorce if I ever made you miserable. But I promised myself I’d never let that happen.”

*

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Natalie wanted to know. I kissed her hand again and assured, “You can ask me anything.”

“It’s about how things ended between you and Cynthia.”

“Go ahead, lass.”

“You said you ended things because she wanted more out of the relationship than you were able to give.”

“What’s your question?”

“I guess I’m wondering… why? Why didn’t you want to move forward with her? Why have you avoided a relationship with every woman you’ve been with? And how do I know you won’t get bored of me too someday?”

*

I took a breath and, after a long exhale, said, “Nat, I was twenty-two when I ended things with Cynthia. I was young, and the last thing I wanted was to be tied down.”

“But how—”

“Shh, baby. Let me finish.” She nodded, and I took another breath. Talking about my reasons for avoiding romantic entanglements was extremely difficult, but a difficulty I would overcome if it meant dissolving Natalie’s doubts.

*

“My mother died the day I was born,” I began. “You know that already. What you don’t know is her death sent my father into a downward spiral of grief and depression. He was not involved in my life whatsoever until I was six years old. I caught a fever and was deathly ill for two weeks. My grandmother believes it was a miracle I survived. The true miracle, though, was it made my father realize he had more to lose.”

*

I cleared the emotion from my throat and continued, “Da stopped drinking, sought help for his depression, and became a father to me for the first time in my life. However, my early childhood left a profound impression on me. I decided I’d rather live a life without love than put myself in a position to endure that level of grief. So, you see, I didn’t move from one woman to the next because I was bored. I sought to avoid any emotional attachment.”

*

I waited patiently for Natalie’s response as she quietly absorbed the light I’d shed on my past. She bit her lower lip before saying, “Thank you for telling me, Ronan. I know it’s hard for you to talk about your mother. But that still doesn’t explain what makes me different. Why would you take that risk with me?” I tightened my grip on her arms and answered, “Because, Natalie, don’t you see? I’ve been attached to you since long before we married.”

*

I stared into Natalie’s astonished face and said, “You don’t think if you’d refused my proposal, I still wouldn’t have done whatever I could to protect you from Alexi? You know in your heart I would have. The truth is, you are the only woman I’ve ever met who’s proven to be worth the risk.” I stroked her cheek and added, “I can’t promise I’ll know how to love. But I can promise to be open to it… for you.”

*

Natalie fidgeted nervously. I hadn’t expected her walls to be so impenetrable, but I was determined to bring them down. I sure as hell wasn’t about to let the only woman I’d expressed any amount of vulnerability with push me away.

*

“Tell me what you are thinking,” I encouraged.

“How is it possible for you to be so certain about us, about our future? Divorce is so common, even amongst couples who were in love when they married. How can you be so certain you’ll always want me?”

“Because you were right when you said trust and friendship were a solid foundation. And I don’t think I've ever told you this, but I DO trust you, and I don’t trust easily.”

*

Natalie bit her lip again and said, “I don’t know what to say.” She avoided my gaze, and I worried I’d lost her before I’d even begun to fight. “Tell me you’re mine,” I whispered. She hesitated briefly. I heard her audibly swallow, summoning courage, and I feared the worst until she uttered, “Ronan, I’ve been yours since the night you kissed me. I just didn’t know you wanted me to be.”

*

I released the breath I’d been holding and, with a grin, said, “I will always want you, bean chéile. Though I am entirely undeserving.” She wrapped her arms around my neck, stood on her toes, and pulled me in for a deep and passionate kiss. Kissing Natalie was always divine, but even more so when initiated by her.

*

My hands were at home on my wife’s prominent hips, and I pulled her flush against me. f*****g hell, I wanted this woman. Seducing her properly just became my next priority. An impossible mission in her aunt’s house. In a few days, I planned to take her somewhere special, where I would make her mine in every way.

*

Being so caught up in ravaging my wife’s beautiful mouth, I didn’t notice we were no longer alone until someone softly cleared their throat. Natalie and I simultaneously looked toward the doorway as a woman said, “I really hope this is your husband, Natalie. Otherwise, you have a lot of explaining to do.” Judging by the familiarity in her voice, I knew it had to be Melody Norris.

*

“Ronan, meet my Aunt Mel,” Natalie introduced. I moved to relieve Natalie’s aunt of the grocery bags she carried, saying, “Here, allow me. It’s a pleasure to meet you in person, Melody.”

“Thank you,” she replied, relinquishing half the bags. She then turned to Natalie and said, “If the two of you have made up, does that mean you don’t need these ingredients anymore?”

“Ingredients for what?” I inquired, placing the bags on the counter.

“I was going to bake a German chocolate cake,” Natalie admitted sheepishly.

*

Melody set the remaining bags on the counter beside me as she leaned over and whispered, “Thank God you arrived when you did. I don’t think my kitchen can handle much more.”

“I heard that,” Natalie proclaimed. “And I can think of far worse ways of relieving frustration than baking. You should be thankful. Just for that, I’m going to bake it anyway.”

*

I smiled at my wife. She was cute when she got defensive. “Sweetheart, your husband just got here,” Melody pointed out. “Perhaps you want to do something other than making a mess in my kitchen?” Melody turned to me and asked, “How long will you be here?” I looked at Natalie and replied, “That’s up to her.”

“Oh,” Natalie responded. “I’m not sure. When do you need to be back in Chicago?”

“We aren’t going back to Chicago.”

“What do you mean? Where’re we going?” I gave her a knowing look as a grin spread across my face. She smiled brightly and excitedly guessed, “Vienna?” I nodded and replied, “Vienna.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~