A Hand to Hold

Chapter thirteen

~ Natalie

*

Ronan wore an unidentifiable expression as I stood before him in my wedding dress. I hadn’t a clue what was going through his head until I heard him whisper, “Krasivaya,” the Russian word for beautiful. That was all the reassurance I needed, and I responded with a soft smile before looking at our officiant. “Harrison, you’re ordained?” I asked in happy surprise.

“Since my army days. You’ll be the third couple for me to unite in matrimony,” he stated proudly.

“I’m honored.” Harrison’s role in our wedding made me feel more at ease.

*

As Harrison began the traditional wedding speech, I tried to pay attention, but my focus was dominated by the contact of my hands in Ronan’s. I couldn’t even bring myself to look into his eyes for fear of what I would find there. What was he feeling in that moment? Regret? Reluctance? Hope maybe? Or worse, indifference? I decided I’d rather not know.

*

I went through the ceremony on autopilot, repeating the vows as Harrison instructed. When Ronan slipped a matching rose-gold band neatly next to the engagement ring, I knew it was official. I followed his movements and repeated the same vows as I slid a sleek, white-gold band onto Ronan’s hand. For the first time, I braved a look into his face just before he kissed me. I wasn’t sure if it was due to our audience or because he had mixed feelings about marrying me, but our first kiss was a bit of a letdown. I couldn’t have predicted such a lackluster kiss from someone as mesmerizingly handsome as Ronan. It was so light and brief I’d hardly registered it as a kiss at all.

*

I watched as our witnesses and Harrison signed our marriage license. Now that it was done, the only feeling I could register was uncertainty. Trina and Candace each gave me reassuring smiles and warm hugs. While Ronan conversed with the fellas, I felt someone pull me aside. “Might I have a word, Mrs. Ó Ceallaigh?” I barely had a second to appreciate my new last name before Brigid pulled me out of the den and down the hall.

*

We stepped into what appeared to be Ronan’s office. The room was masculine and so perfectly Ronan. It even smelled like him: sandalwood, leather, and whiskey. It had a cozy feel with a wall of bookshelves behind the desk and a lovely set of bay windows with a built-in bench seat. Ronan’s desk dominated the space but left room for the caramel leather sofa on the opposite wall. A beautiful oil painting hung above the couch. I was captivated by the scene of mountains and trees.

*

Brigid Ó Ceallaigh stood before me, six feet tall in heels, looking quite stern. I wondered how often she got mistaken for Ronan’s mother, given how many features they shared, not to mention how young she appeared. I was more nervous alone with her than I had been during the wedding ceremony.

*

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I immediately took it upon myself to drag you away from your new husband,” she said. I merely nodded, and she continued, “I have a few things I wish to say to you, which I thought better to get out of the way as soon as possible.”

“Please go on then,” I replied, hoping my voice sounded braver than I really was.

“Did you marry Ronan for his money?”

*

I was thrown by the directness of her question, but I couldn’t say I was at all surprised. I knew her interest in my intentions came from a place of protectiveness for her grandson. “No, not at all,” I answered truthfully.

“Please forgive my bluntness, but my grandson has been very tight-lipped about your arrangement.”

“I see.”

“Understand, Ronan is my whole world.”

“I do understand.”

“Good. You will quickly come to find I am tough and straightforward, but I can also be loving. I speak my mind, and I expect you to do the same with me. We will have no trouble getting along so long as we understand one another. The only thing I expect from you is to treat Ronan with respect. And, if I may be bold enough to ask a favor of you, be patient with him as well. Though he may not know it, he has a great capacity for love— if only he would allow himself to do so. This may be a marriage of convenience, but I’m hoping you can one day care for him. I won’t be around forever. I pray he is in good hands with you.”

*

When Brigid finally stopped talking, I didn’t know what to address first. I thought it best to go with the obvious. “I appreciate your candor, Mrs. Ó Ceallaigh—”

“It’s Brigid, please.” I nodded and continued, “I know Ronan has a capacity to love. I’ve seen it in how highly he speaks of you. However, I’m not so certain I will ever be the recipient of such feelings.”

“You will,” she asserted. “I know you will. Otherwise, he would never have entrusted you with his mother’s ring.”

*

I stared at Brigid, open-mouthed and totally floored. “This belonged to his mother?” I whispered, holding up my left hand.

“The engagement ring, yes,” she confirmed, “though the band is new. He didn’t tell you?”

“No. He probably didn’t want me to read too much into the gesture.”

“That is a possibility, considering he’s always dreamt of his bride wearing that ring, whoever she turned out to be.” My face fell. I knew she was right. “But don’t let that discourage you, darling. If anything, look at it as something to live up to. Make him realize you are more deserving of that ring than anyone else on this earth.”

“I’ll try.”

“Good girl,” she praised with a pat on my arm.

*

“One more thing before we rejoin the others,” Brigid said. “I am not an overly affectionate person, but don’t let that stop you from asking for my assistance should you ever need it. Nora, that is… Ronan’s mother and I used to be very close. I hope you and I may be one day as well. That is, if you can tolerate this old broad.” With a soft smile, I answered truthfully, “I’m honored to be part of your family.”

*

Brigid Ó Ceallaigh was unlike any woman I’d ever met, and despite her rough edges, I liked her. My brief conversation with her shed much light on Ronan’s personality traits and where they came from. “Let’s have lunch together within the next few days,” Brigid suggested. “Once you’ve settled here, let me know, and we’ll arrange it. But don’t put me off for too long. I am not a patient woman.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good girl.” I tried not to feel like an obedient dog each time she said that to me.

*

Brigid was direct but caring, so long as a person stayed on her good side. I sensed she could tear a person apart with mere words should they dare to cross her. Fortunately for me, I saw no reason for us to be on opposite sides. I definitely saw why Ronan held so much respect for his grandmother; she certainly demanded it.

*

We rejoined the others in the den, but I didn’t see Ronan at first. He startled me when he approached from behind and put a hand on my elbow. “Where did you disappear to, bean chéile?” In all the time I’d worked for him, I’d never known his voice to be so seductive. “Ban kay lay?” I repeated questioningly.

“Bean chéile. It means wife.” Hearing him address me as such sent chills down my spine.

*

“You didn’t answer my question,” Ronan said. I attempted to clear my head as I replied, “Your grandmother wanted a word with me.”

“Are you alright?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“The saying ‘her bark is worse than her bite’ would apply to her.”

“I received neither bark nor bite. We had a pleasant, albeit very frank, conversation.”

“Can’t be considered a conversation if it’s one-sided,” he pointed out.

“It wasn’t.”

“She let you get a word in?”

“More than one.”

“She must really like you.” With a coy shrug, I replied, “I’m likable.”

“I know that, bean chéile.” He sent me a wink, and the entire room grew ten degrees warmer.

*

“Come,” Ronan said, “Marie made a grand dinner in your honor.” I looked around and noticed the room had emptied while we’d been conversing. As he led me toward the dining room, I asked, “Who’s Marie?”

“Marie Wallace is my, uh… our housekeeper.”

“I didn’t know you had a housekeeper.”

“I get so caught up with work that I often neglect myself. Not long after I began shadowing my father, my grandmother threatened to move in with me unless I employed a housekeeper. Marie’s been with me ever since.” I giggled at the thought of Brigid threatening him. “You remind me of my sister,” he told me, “she thought it was funny too.”

*

At the mention of his sister, I stopped him just outside the dining room and said, “Ronan, why wasn’t your sister here for your wedding?”

“Móraí, in her wisdom, pointed out that with Maddie would likely come Helena.”

“Who is Helena?”

“My ex-stepmother. The last time we spoke was over a year ago, and it was not an amicable conversation. I’ll tell you more later. At the moment, we have guests awaiting our attention.” He gestured for me to enter the room ahead of him.

*

Marie had prepared a delicious spread. Roast beef, potatoes, carrots, green beans, homemade rolls, and a fantastic salad with a dressing of her own recipe. She joined us for dinner, and I found pleasure in getting to know such a kind and welcoming woman. As the eight of us enjoyed dinner, as much as each other’s company, I felt more relaxed than I had in a long while. The more I became familiar with Callum, the more I understood why Candace referred to him as a menace. Though underneath his exterior, I could also see what Ronan saw in him as a friend.

*

After dessert, bottles of wine were passed around the table. And as the evening winded down, everyone seemed to be in a content mood. Everyone except Katrina. More than once, I caught her staring blankly into her wine glass, not remotely interested in the conversation around her. When people began saying farewells, I pulled her into the den.

*

“What’s going on with you?” I asked with concern.

“Nothing,” she claimed.

“Nothing? Really? Do you not hear how unconvincing you sound?”

“It’s nothing I want to talk about tonight, Nat. Candace said she would give me a ride back to the apartment. You go enjoy your new husband. We can talk tomorrow.” She turned to leave, but I stopped her. Between the two of us, she was usually the pushy one. But there was nothing I valued more than my family and friends, and I considered Katrina to be both. “Trin, talk to me… please,” I begged.

*

With a loud sigh, Trina sat on the sofa and said, “It’s no big deal, Natalie, really. I just didn’t want to dampen your wedding day by discussing my parents’ divorce.”

“Your mom and dad are splitting up?” I responded, sitting down beside her.

“They’ve been split up,” she specified. “For a while, they were going to counseling, but all it did was make them realize their marriage was beyond saving. So, the separation became permanent.”

*

I could hardly believe the news. Tracy and Garrett seemed like a solid couple. I could hear the heartbreak in Trina’s voice. A subtle whiff of Ronan’s cologne tempted to distract me, but I ignored it. “What can I say, Trina? I’ve never been in a situation involving divorce before. I don’t know what to say or what I can do.” I reached for her hand and said, “Tell me what to do.”

“I would if I could,” she replied.

*

I felt powerless to console my best friend. We sat in silence, holding hands for several moments before I asked, “Why didn’t you tell me? It’s not like we don’t talk anymore. We literally Skype every week and text every freaking day.”

“I dunno.” She shrugged. “I guess I didn’t want to admit it was really happening. Besides, there’s nothing to talk about. It’s not like it would change anything.”

*

Trina squeezed my hands and continued, “I know It’s only been a day, but I’ve felt this weight get lighter just being here with you. Your … situation has definitely taken my mind off everything back home. And it’s been great seeing Candace again. Even that Callum guy is at least good for a laugh.” She gave me a weak smile and continued, “During dinner, I was thinking I’d stay in Chicago a little longer.”

“Yes, absolutely!” I exclaimed in excitement.

*

“Please stay!” I encouraged. “So much has changed for us both recently. We could lean on each other. And Ronan already said you could use the apartment as long as you like.” Her smile brightened as she replied, “I’d stay just for that apartment.”

“Gee, thanks,” I responded facetiously.

“But you’re a very close second.” I playfully bumped her shoulder with mine, and we laughed a little.

*

“Trina, are you ready to go?” Candace asked from the doorway.

“Yep, I’m coming,” she replied. We stood and gave each other a tight hug. “Try to have fun tonight,” she whispered with a wink. Before I could respond, she followed Candace out of the house.

*

I suddenly realized I was alone in an unfamiliar house. I wished I’d asked Ronan for a tour while the place was still bustling with people. My gaze landed upon the little table in the corner, where we’d signed our marriage license earlier. The official document was exactly where we’d left it. I picked it up and thoroughly examined it for the first time. Ronan’s middle name was Patrick, after his father. It made me wonder. Would he want his kids to carry his name, too? Would he even want kids with me? Did I want kids with him? Good Lord, why hadn’t I asked these questions sooner?

*

My blood pressure rose as I stood there, worrying over my future with Ronan, until a sudden voice from behind made me jump. “What are you doing, bean chéile?”

“Nothing,” I answered hastily. “I was just thinking this should be in a safer place.” I hoped he hadn’t seen me startle at the sound of his voice, which I noticed held more of an Irish accent with every glass of wine he’d consumed.

*

Ronan moved closer and took the document from my hands, saying, “I’ll make sure this gets filed tomorrow. Wouldn’t want anyone questioning the legality of our marriage now, would we?” By the way he stared at me, something clearly bothered him. “Come,” he said coldly, gesturing to the hallway. “Let me show you the rest of your new home.”

*

Ronan guided me through his house, hardly saying much, apart from pointing out each room as we went. The ground floor consisted of the living room, dining room, a huge kitchen, the office, and a sleek gym. The upstairs housed three bedrooms, apart from the master, each with its own private bathroom. The crown molding, the fixtures, and knobs were of the highest quality.

*

Ronan ended the tour just outside the room beside the master. “This is your room… for now.”

“For now?” But he ignored my question. Did he intend for me to leave? Or was he hoping I would join him in his room eventually? His face was expressionless. Despite knowing him over a year, the man was still impossible to read.

*

“Make yourself at home,” Ronan instructed halfheartedly. His subdued countenance reminded me of what Candace told me regarding Ronan’s appreciation for space and privacy, leading me to ask, “Do you mean that?” With an intense stare, he said, “I thought I made it clear, I don’t say things I do not mean. Do you?”

“What?” I automatically replied.

“Can I take you at your word? Or do you often say things you do not mean?”

“Why are you asking me this, Ronan? You know me.”

“Do I?” His tone was accusatory, causing me to tilt my head in confusion. “Yes, you do,” I answered firmly. “If I can’t speak honestly, I don’t speak at all.”

*

“Why are you being so hostile toward me all of the sudden?” I demanded to know. “Or is this just what I can expect from you when you’ve been drinking?”

“This is what you can expect if you think about betraying me.”

“Betraying you?” I repeated in astonishment. “I would never betray you. You’re my husband.”

“For now,” he said once again.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

“Were you or were you not just having a secret discussion with your bestie about divorce? No wonder you couldn’t even look me in the eye during our vows. You clearly have no intention of keeping them.”

“How dare you!”

“What? Overhear a conversation when I walk freely through my own damn house?”

“No! Overhear a tiny part of what was said out of context, and then assume the worst of me. Even the day we met you assumed the worst of me. I guess nothing’s changed.”

“You are the one who’s talking about divorcing me on the same day we married!”

“No, you jackass! I was comforting my best friend over her parents’ divorce!”

*

Ronan’s stance instantly shifted from accusing to understanding before landing on regretful. “Natalie, I don’t know what to say, except I am so—” I raised my hand, cutting him off. I didn’t want his apology. “Don’t,” I growled. “Just don’t. I’m going to bed. Goodnight… husband.” And I slammed the door in his face.

*

What a fantastic beginning to our marriage, I sarcastically thought to myself. Who was this man I married? What happened in his life that made him assume the worst in everyone? A part of me was extremely discouraged at the idea of spending my life with such a man. However, another small part of me, ever the optimist, hoped I could help him. I wasn’t foolish enough to think I could drastically change him. But I endeavored to prove to him that at least one person in his life would never betray him. I wasn’t going to force love on him or expect it in return, but I was determined to transform our relationship into one built on trust and mutual respect. That was the only chance at happiness for either of us, and I would not give up on that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notes: Bean chéile (ban-khay-leh) = Irish for wife.