Where've You Been All My Life?

Sheer Imagination

It was around eight in the evening that we went our separate ways home. Adam has gone home, while Meg and I decided to take the bus as the distance was not too far from our houses. At the time, I felt slight throbs in my chest. What is this? Would I collapse again like last night?

It was then on our way to the bus stop that we met the person who was being the topic of our discussion this afternoon. Zad, he was standing right before us.

I totally lost focus of my surroundings as the intent look that came from the dark sapphire eyes owned by the man in front of me penetrated deeper into me.

His gaze sent butterflies to my belly. My body felt funny yet my heart got warmer in each passing second. Despite the warm feelings that transmitted to me, people around us might feel intimidated by such looks.

His current cold demeanor contradicted the worries he showed last night. As if I was faced with a different person.

Yet unbeknownst to this man, whose actions are full of contradictions and surprises, I was pulled even closer every chance we met.

Perhaps this is what they call love?

Nah, this might be because I developed an indebted feeling because he had helped me last night.

Hey, it could also be love just like in the novel. I could not care less anymore.

“Oh! You’re from yesterday.” Meg’s exclamation brought me back to reality.

It was only yesterday that we met? I thought it was a long time ago. “Thanks for your help yesterday,” I said. My voice this time was clearer than it was when we were in his car, but I was afraid that Meg and Zad would hear the sound of my heart that was thumping even louder than my voice since earlier.

It was weird that my heart was throbbing just like last night, yet the pain was not as severe as before.

“Never mind.” he responded. He was truly a man of few words tonight. Zad responded in a calm and cold manner now while last night he showed such sorrowful and longing expression.

“Are you going somewhere alone?” Meg sure liked to inquire about someone else’s business.

“Just finished my business,” Zad slightly nodded while glancing at me, and I found my cheeks burning at his act.

“Great! What a coincidence, I forgot that I have promised to meet someone and have to go right away. Why don’t you go together? Charmeine just has to get to the bus stop and I am sure she can go home ALONE from there. Oh my, it’s already so late in the evening. Char, take care, okay?” Meg’s excuses sounded really horrible.

Really Meg, you have to be so obvious? I was profusely crying and screaming internally right now. He would not even buy your excuses.

“Ok, let’s go,” the man’s instant response took me by surprise.

What should I do now? Staying together with a man I just met did not sound like a really good idea.  

“Ri– right,” Meg bid us goodbye and I was stammering like an i***t. I felt kind of fidgety and my heart was starting to get strange again.

As we walked side by side to the bus stop, I felt slight prickling pain in my heart. My breath started to get out of control.

“Uh!”

Noticing the unusual state I was in, Zad, who was walking beside me stopped his steps and looked at me worriedly.

“Are you okay, Charmeine?” he said my name carefully with the voice I longed to hear for a while.

I did not feel any disgust when he leaned closer to seek for my reply, unlike my previous experience with other men after the incident that sent chills down my spine instantly and made me stiffened every time I reminded of it. “It’s just a bit stuffy,” I replied between heavy breathing.

“Come, there are less people here” he held my hand securely and brought me to a dark narrow alley then he gestured to me to sit down on a stack of boxes “Relax yourself a bit here,”. The pain this time was not as unbearable as last night.

After that I brought myself to sit down and I instinctively brushed my hair aside because I felt hot due to shortness of breaths. My unconscious act only revealed a clearer sight of my slender neckline to the other person and made the man before me flinched. “Charmeine…” I instinctively looked up to the gentle voice that called for me.

“Can you not recklessly do that sort of thing?”

“What is it?” unknowing to the meaning behind his words, an innocent, childlike question came out automatically from my mouth.

“I barely hold myself back in front of you, distancing myself so it won’t happen again.”

Hearing his words brought me back to yesterday’s event. I thought this was a perfect time to clear my confusions.

“What do you mean by ‘again’? It’s also the same back then. When talking to Meg last night, how do you know that my heart had been aching?” I somehow understand his underlying remark but also confused at the same time.

“I… I just knew and it’s best that you don’t ask any further.” 

He said that he was holding himself back, yet not long after that he evidently rejected me. 

“I don’t really understand your actions. Why are you being cold now when you showed me such an expression yesterday?” I tried to ask him as calmly as possible. We were strangers in the first place, I did not feel the need to openly confront him.

We were strangers, yet I kept feeling intimately familiar with him since the first time we met.

"Staying near me will only bring you regrets," he deliberately avoided my question yet again.

No matter what kind of questions being asked he would not budge to answer them, he kept putting distances between us.

This was it. I got excited for nothing. What am I thinking to expect a certain feeling from a stranger? My mind was clouded by sheer imaginations from those books I read.

It's good enough that he was not taking me for a weirdo. He went to such an extent to accommodate me, yet I was being silly on my own.

"I’m fine already, let's part ways here. You don't have to walk me there. I can go on my own" thinking that I should put a stop to my delusion, I said that while hiding my embarrassment.

"I'm sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing, Zad? I just don’t want to trouble you anymore, you’ve helped me enough. Also, my body is fine now. See?” I tried to show my brightest smile in front of him despite the darkness that enveloped us in that cramped alley. Hopefully, this man would not be able to uncover my hidden feelings of shame and dejection.

When I stood up and walked away, he reached out my hand. Avoiding my eyes, his head was facing the ground as if there was an intriguing parade there while still holding my hand in quietude.

Again, I could not fathom his intention at all.

“Zad... Make me understand,” to my call, he stared back at me and I painfully looked into his bottomless and somber blue orbs. 

Taking my act as an enticement, the man before me pulled my hand and threw away all of his hesitation and reasoning.

Suddenly, my body was being pulled to his embrace. My hands instinctively moved frontward as a means to block any surprise attacks that came to my body, yet they regretfully landed on his well built chest.

All of these things were new for me, it really put me in an awkward position.

This was not the kind of development I had been looking for from him. I was saying that without any hidden agenda. Just when I decided to stop seeking answers from him, he acted this way. Now, how should I act in this kind of situation? 

Zad, it’s way too much!!!