Stay

Love Him…

Can you see my scars?

Can you feel my heart?

This is all of me for all of the world to see…

- Boy Epic

I never thought that one day I would wait for the elevator in this very building. He lets go of my hand and I cannot help but feel disappointed and unsure. Did I break something between us? We hadn’t even started our journey together and I managed to break it somehow.

Alexander lives on the fourth floor. He opens his door and gestures me to enter. I do. It’s warm and beautiful and smells of wood and him. I wonder if it’s newly renovated.

“Make yourself at home.” He says and tosses the contents of his pockets into a round vase placed on a small table. He’s dressed casually and I know he’s been at home after work. “I’ll grab you a jacket.” He disappears into what I suspect to be his room.

I take my shoes off and put them neatly on the floor next to the small table. Then I walk to the sofa and sit. He appears again with a knitted creamy blanket in his arms and puts it next to me.

“Cover yourself with this. I don’t want you to get sick again. I’ll make tea.” At least he cares for me…

I cover myself with the soft blanket and reach for my purse. Oh. My phone is dying. I forgot to charge it yesterday. Stupid me.

He grabs my phone from my hands.

“This.” He gestures towards it. “Is for you to answer, lady. I was worried sick. But as this is not the most important issue to discuss today, let’s pass on to the important ones.” He puts my tea on the table in front of me and takes his seat next to me.

“Do you do this clubbing thing often?” I swallow audibly.

“No, it’s just… It was my first time in a club today.”

His face gives nothing away. “Good. Because I don’t like you going to such dangerous places, especially alone or even with Lily.” He waits for my nod. “So what made you go there?”

“We just decided to celebrate the first summer day today.” I hope he doesn’t know the real cause.

“I asked you to go home after work. Why didn’t you?”

“You didn’t ask me, you ordered me. It’s a habit of yours.” I snap and regret it at once.

“Oh, is it? But wouldn’t it be a better decision considering the bastard hugging you from behind?” He is expertly trying to intimidate me and he’s succeeding.

“I don’t know how it happened and I slapped him afterwards.”

“I know, I saw it. I also did something like that to him but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not his fault. He’s used to making moves on girls in clubs and he couldn’t possibly know it’s your first time there.” He’s right. I hurt a person without realizing it.

“I… I’m sorry.” Don’t cry, Sarah, don’t cry…

“Instead of saying ‘sorry’, please try to act more sensible next time. Anyway, why do you smell like alcohol?”

“A part of celebration.” My voice is small, nearly inaudible. I’m ashamed.

“I don’t want you to drink anymore.”

“I wouldn’t. I don’t know what was on my mind when I did it.”

“Ok, all settled, now drink your tea.” He takes my hand and kisses it. This easy? I was expecting a conversation worse than this. But wait. Why would it be worse? He’s just my boyfriend, not my dad. I visibly relax at the thought.

“Good to see you smiling. I love your smile. Your dimples show when you smile.” He says.

“I love yours, too. How did you find me today?” I am so curious. I never told him I was going to be ‘celebrating’.

“I’m just very tech.”

He has violated my privacy! But I don’t think now’s the time to bring this up. I’ll keep it for later.

“Understood. I thought we would meet after work. Like we always do.”

“I had things to take care of.” Dismissal. I don’t like it.

“Is there anything you are not telling me?” He brushes my lower lip with his thumb and then kisses me. I feel once again he’s using that against me. He wants me distracted. After relishing the feel of his lips sealed to mine, I say.

“Alexander… Let’s tell our stories to each other.” Silence. His face is unreadable. It scares me.

“You know we need to know each other so we can build this relationship. If we want to.” I tell him unsurely.

“I know.” He whispers. I come closer to him and put my head on his shoulder.

“I’m also afraid of your possible reaction but I want you to know me.” I tell him softly. Then I take a deep breath. If I want him to open up to me, I need to start this myself.

“When I first moved to Yerevan, this city was so new to me and even scared me a bit. It was some 5 years ago. I didn’t have any friends at first and my family was far away. Then, one day, I got acquainted with a guy. His name was David.” I look up to see his reaction. He’s just staring at the wall. I continue. “We started seeing each other. He was sweet and kind at first, but as we went on with the relationship, he got possessive and usually, he couldn’t manage his anger. I was afraid of him sometimes. I had to tell him if I went out and he would choose what I would wear. He never let me put make-up on… He scared me and in the back of my mind I knew we would break up eventually. One day I told him that jokingly. When I look back at it now, I know I said it to see how he would react, but then I thought I was making a joke. Like, “I think we won’t last long if you don’t let me put make-up on” joke… He hit me. As soon as I said the words, he hit me hard on my face.” Alexander flinches. He secures his hold on me and that’s the most reassuring thing I have ever felt. “Then he pressed me to a wall, grabbed my chin and threatened to kill me if I leave him. He was so angry with me. I knew all along he could be sharp but I never expected this sort of thing from him. He asked me if that is why I wouldn’t sleep with him, if I was planning on breaking up with him. I told him that I just wasn’t ready for that and it was a joke. But I don’t think he believed me because since that day he was much more violent to me and he required that I sleep with him.” By the time I finish the sentence, Alexander is pacing the room. Then he sits on the coffee table in front of me and faces me.

“Continue.” He says and swallows.

“On our six month anniversary, he r***d me.” I say the words quietly and look away. I am ashamed of them. I don’t want him to know. But he needs to know. “From then on, he r***d me periodically. It was not consensual… Ever… But it’s only now that I call it r**e. Then I thought it was how it was to be…”

“Oh, Sarah…” He says the words sorely, I even hear a glimpse of disgust in his voice and it is the most hurtful thing… Then he turns and leaves the room.

The world goes blank. It’s all white around me. He’s disgusted by me. Why wouldn’t he be? Even I am disgusted by myself. For all those years, I thought I had dealt with this pain, but now my heart is bleeding all the life out of me… Why would he want me after this? Why did I tell him? He’s going to leave me and I can do nothing to prevent it… The ugliness inside me found its way out… It hurts so much I cannot feel my body as I’m trying to stand.

Slowly, I get up, fold the blanket and put it on the sofa… Then I take my shoes and my bag and go to the door… I need to go. I don’t want him to see me like this, weeping and unable to breathe… I don’t want him to ever see me, to ever be sickened by me. I open the door…

“Where are you going?” He says with a raspy voice. I turn and find him looking at me with a pained face. He looks so defeated, so broken, as if I have taken something precious from him. It must be me. I was precious, and now I’m gone. It’s just too much for me to take. I break. I weep. I mourn my past, I mourn how it could take my present away. I try to be quiet but the sobs escape me and I fall to the floor. I hug my knees and lower my head, ashamed of who I am. But also, I am so broken by his reaction. I cut myself open in front of him, let all the ugliness get out, let him see me, the real me that no one was allowed to see. And he was disgusted.

“Sarah, no…” He sits on the floor next to me. I sob even more.

“Alex, I’m so sorry…I was so young then. I didn’t know what to do… I was scared everyone would know if I reported to the police…” I say while fighting for a breath.

“Sarah, no. Please don’t cry. It’s gone, it’s all gone. I’m here, shh…” He tries to calm me and it works so well…  

“I don’t want you disgusted by me…” I tell him quietly, almost inaudibly.

“I am not disgusted by you. It was not your fault and you are not dirty. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” He tilts my chin and looks into my eyes. Somehow, with this one sentence he addresses all of my worries.

“If anyone ever hurts you, I will kill them. I mean it.” He comes closer to me, silently asking for my permission to kiss me. But it’s me who does that. I take his mouth with a force that has both of us on the ground. He laughs in between kisses. “I love you wild.” I kiss him again and again till my mouth hurts. I see it’s not easy for him to accept my past, I see his struggle to not make me feel bad, and the fact that he’s trying so hard for me is mind blowing…

“Your lips are so soft after you have been crying.” He says as he caresses my lips with his thumb. “Makes me want you so bad…” Just as he says the words, I realize I’m still lying on his body and I can physically feel the proof of his words. I blush and quickly get up. He moans in protest.

“Sarah…” I look at him. “Can you stay the night?” I smile. Tears flood my eyes again… He is not pushing me away but pulling me closer. What I feel for him just makes my heart burst. I’m in deep and there’s no way out of this. I don’t want to be out of this. I love him.

As soon as he gets up I hug him so tight I know it must have hurt. I inhale him and never want to let go. He’s my shelter, he’s my salvation… I kiss him again but this time it’s soft and gentle.

“I will stay.” He chuckles.

“Good. Now let’s eat something, I’m starving and you are too, I think.”

“Yeah, right.”

“I’ll give you something to change into. Come.” He takes my hand and leads me to his room. It’s better than I thought. Bigger and warmer. I see the carpet on the floor. Then I look at my bare feet.

“Wait.” I say and let go of his hand. Then I run to the carpet and sink my feet into it. “Oh my goodness, it’s so soft.” I moan with pleasure and Alexander laughs.

“Been curious all the time, kitten?” He comes to me and hugs me from behind. I love the feel of his body against mine, especially after such a rough and intimate moment.

“I will bring you something to wear.” He enters the walk-in closet and after some moments comes back with a t-shirt and a pajama bottom.

“Hope this works. I will leave you alone so you can change.” Then he kisses my forehead and leaves.

I take some time to wander around his room. I peek into the bathroom. It has a large bathtub and a shower. The towels are neatly folded and I take a mental note to ask him if he has a housekeeper.

I change into what he has given me and wash my half-ruined make-up off. Then I go to search for him. He’s in the kitchen making sandwiches for us and it’s an amazing sight seeing him like that.

“Oh, crap!” He curses as he spills the tomato sauce on him. I fight to keep my giggles unheard. Not noticing me, he takes his t-shirt off. I gasp. I knew he was muscular but I didn’t know he was this beautiful inside his clothes. He turns and faces me. Then I see the lazy, boyish, self-absorbed grin crawling onto his handsome face. My insides tingle.

“Like what you’re seeing? Because I do.” He comes towards me with a lazy stride and I take a deep breath. I had no idea I could want someone this much. I blush, feeling the lust building inside me.

“You have taken your make-up off. I love seeing you so at home and relaxed.” He touches my hair. “And this hair. I never thought I would consider pixie hair so sexy till I met you.” I look away. He’s making me shy.

“Come on, I look like a medieval witch. What is beautiful about being like this?”

“Where do you see beauty if not here? Maybe you think that beauty is in makeup, clothes, and cosmetic surgeries. I don’t blame you; half of the world thinks that. But I would say that you with your almost nonexistent makeup, amazing character and kindest big eyes are way, way, way more beautiful than the others.” He kisses me softly and I melt against him. My hands instinctively go around his lean waist and I don’t ever want this moment to end. I feel the roughness of his chest hair tickling my cheeks and I love the feeling. His heartbeat is calm and steady and soon, my own heartbeat matches his. We were so close to the edge today, with my past and my confessions, but he is with me now. And I love him even more for that.

“Alex?” I say with a low voice. He hums in response and kisses my temple. “Can I charge my phone so I can tell Lily I won’t go home?”

“Sure, you can use everything I have here. Phone, laptop, TV, whatever you wish. I want you to feel at home here so you don’t go.” It’s such a sensitive thing to say. In the back of my mind, I know that it’s just his primal instinct to provide me with everything. He wants to conquer me. I smile at the thought. He has no idea how conquered I am already.

“Why are you smiling? I can feel it against my chest.” He asks and I laugh. Nothing escapes him and his attention.

“Do you know how penguins attract a female? So they can create a family?”

“No, how?”

“The male penguin puts rocks at the feet of the female to get her attention. He wants to provide her with something scarcely available so she stays with him and they build a family. What you said reminded me of that.” He laughs.

“So, I’m a penguin?”

“That wasn’t what I was trying to say but okay, you are a penguin.” I also laugh.

After calling Lily and trying to calm her down so she doesn’t start her ‘you should totally seduce him’ lecture, I find Alexander at his desk in his office. He’s talking on the phone. I take a moment to admire his face. It’s concentrated, serious, his wide brows furrowed together and his greenish-brownish eyes scanning his computer screen. His lips are sealed together and his stubble makes him look edible.

I slowly walk towards him. As I’m a few steps away, he looks up and sees me. Then he smiles and my breath catches. He gestures to me to sit on his lap. I hesitate for a moment because it’s not something I have done before, but my need for him is stronger than my doubts. I go into his open arms and sit on his lap. It’s an intimate act and my heart swells at how good this feels. His arm snakes around me and brings my legs up setting them on his side. I put my head on his shoulder.

“Okay then, I think we can announce the new internship program. I have to go now. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He hangs up and puts his phone on his desk. “Hi, kitten.”

“Hi, ace.” I love him so much.

“Missed me?”

“Always.” I say.

“Are you ok? You know, after…”

“Yeah, I am. Thanks to you. You are an amazing person.”

“Will you tell me the rest of your story when you are ready?” I tense but eventually nod.

“Will you tell me yours when you are ready?” I ask him.

“I will baby.” He kisses me and I melt into a pool in his lap. As the kiss deepens, his grip on me tightens and I feel his need: so wild, so untameable. Memories flood me. In the past I used to be afraid of this. I never wanted to have anything like this with David. But now that Alex kisses me, I want it to never end. He is my own medication, my safe place. I shift and straddle him, cupping his face, and pour all my need and lust and love into my kiss.

“Sarah, baby. Wait.” He whimpers and I stop.

“What’s wrong? Am I… umm… doing this wrong?”

“No baby, no, this is amazing. But I don’t want to take advantage of your psychological state. You have told me something about you that you never tell anyone and I don’t want you to do this merely influenced by today.” My gorgeous, kind, amazing man, who always thinks about me first. I feel tears building up in my throat.

“Alex, I… I love you.” I say the words and hug him tight, burying my nose in his neck and let my happy tears flow. I love him.