Stay

Be Patient…

But you’ll never be alone,

I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn...

- Zayn & Sia

Have you ever thought about how each of us perceives the world? People cross streets, oceans or just rooms, they talk and laugh, they all live on the same planet that we do. Have you ever thought that every single one of them has their own little world inside their heads and it’s the only truth they know about life? They build their world with the people they love and with the things they love. They believe that nothing exists outside of it and without it. But we know nothing. We have no idea how their mind is built, we don’t know what they think or what they want, because inside our heads, their world doesn’t exist. This is the dilemma of life. There are millions of people in the world and there are millions of worlds in the people. Those, who think that they have mastered the complex art of understanding, should live a day in someone else’s body and mind. They will know then how different life is for that person.

* * *

Friday, June 16, 2017

Alexander knows it. No one has ever been this deep inside my soul. He knows the fears and sadness I had tried so hard to conceal and he stays with me no matter what. Is there a better world? Could there be a better life for me? He has become my addiction, my drug, my own portion of oxygen, my shelter. Two weeks have passed since our night together and the feeling won’t go away. I need him every minute, every hour. If he’s away, I miss him so bad I cry. When he tells me he misses me, my heart leaps with the love I feel for him. We spend every free minute together. We explore each other: body and mind. We touch and talk and kiss and we never get enough. But he hasn’t said those important words to me. I thought it would be easy to just wait and give him some time but as time goes by, I start panicking. What if he doesn’t love me? I have every proof he does: he is attentive, gentle, caring, always thinks about me first, I’m his priority. He knows my brother, they are good friends, I know his sister, even his parents and his friend Ash (virtually). He has to love me, I need him to. Desperately.

Alexander has been out of the town for two days. Having a busy boyfriend is not easy. He will be back tonight and I decide to surprise him.

“Lana, hi.” I say cheerfully as she answers my call.

“Oh, hi babe. How’re you?”

“I’m good, how are you?”

“Fine. What’s up?”

“I need a favor.”

“Shoot.”

“Do you have keys to Alex’s apartment? I want to surprise him today.”

“Yeah, I think so. If I find them, I’ll tell you.”

“Wonderful. I love you.”

“Me too girl. See you!”

At 6, I take the keys from Lana. I’m so excited for this. I want to be the one that makes him happy.

His apartment is quiet and empty without him. His scent is everywhere yet I cannot sense his presence. I miss him. I smile to myself. This man has become a part of me so easily. His beautiful soul and his kindness fascinate me to endlessness. He possesses every part of me; body and mind. I trust him with my life and my happiness.

As I take my shoes off, I notice something glistening inside the round vase. It’s the earring I left here thinking it’s Alex’s housekeeper’s. Why hasn’t she taken it? She cleans the house three times a week and she hasn’t noticed it? I doubt. Anyway, I push the thought aside and go on to prepare for the evening. It’s only half past six and I have some two hours. I take the saucepan and start preparing my ace’s favorite Tolma. By the time I finish, I only have 20 minutes. I light the candles and pour the wine and wait…

The front door opens. I can hear his suitcase wheels gliding on the wooden floor. My man is back.

“Sarah?” He says cautiously.

His voice is heaven to my ears. Suddenly, I love this life. Just because I have him in it. I rush to the living room and jump on him. He’s taken by surprise but he holds me tight with my legs snaking his waist. Then he shoves his nose into my neck.

“Sarah, baby. I missed you.” He kisses me so, so warmly and I know all of his emotions are in that kiss.

“How did you know it was me here?” I ask him and playfully bite his chin. It’s my favorite thing to do.

“I don’t know. Your scent, maybe. I just knew.” He walks us to the sofa and sits down with me still clung to him. Then he starts undoing my blouse buttons.

“I thought you’d be hungry. I made Tolma.” I say softly and kiss his cheek.

“I am hungry indeed, and right now I’m taking care of that.” He says huskily and at that moment, I become a bit too aware of my own hunger for him.

The dinner is cold but still untouched and the candles have burnt to the end. Alexander is lying on the sofa with me on top of him. I rake my fingers through his chest hair and kiss his throat.

“Sarah, I want to ask you something.” I immediately know what he’s going to ask but I ignore the tension inside me and decide to trust him.

“Ask.”

“When will you tell me the rest of your story? I have been trying to be patient but don’t you think it’s high time now?”

“It is. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I suppose I know the worst, right?”

“Depends.” There’s a lump in my throat I don’t know how to swallow. “I had to stay with him. I hated him, but I still had to keep silent. Whenever I disobeyed, he would slap me or hit me or squeeze my throat. He liked me obedient and submissive.” I’m trying hard not to cry as I know it would only worry Alexander more. “He would come to my place so drunk he couldn’t stand and it was the most horrible thing for me. He was more aggressive and demanding when drunk. But there was a part of me that wanted him to be drunk because then he couldn’t have s*x though he much wanted to. After a year or so, when I became friends with Lily, our parents decided it would be good for us to share my apartment. I was so scared. I knew he could harm Lily when he was drunk and though I really wanted her to live with me, it was a big risk for her.”

“Why didn’t you tell this to anyone? You could easily have him in jail now.” I can hear the accusation in his voice but it was predictable.

“I was young, Alexander. I was scared. If I called the police, everyone would know it happened to me. I couldn’t risk it. I didn’t want my family to be ashamed. It was much better to hide. And also, he often reminded me that he knew where Taron’s school is and that it wouldn’t be hard to harm him. I was scared.”

He kisses my temple. “You are the bravest person I know.” I smile. He is always on my side. I hug him tighter.

“Go on, please. It’s okay baby. We’re good.”

“I refused to live with Lily and no one could understand why, especially Lily. I knew she was hurt but I could do nothing. I couldn’t ever explain it to her. Then, one day, I came home to find him lying at my door covered in blood. I know this might tell you I’m a very bad person, but deep down I wished he was dead. But he wasn’t. When I tried to wake him up, two men appeared. They told me he had debts and that if he didn’t return the money, they would take his life and maybe even mine instead. I was horrified. Now that I look back, I cannot imagine how I dealt with it. But then, I was braver, maybe. I gave them all of my jewellery and money. And even my notebook. After that, because I had no money and no job, I had to ask Lily for help. I told her everything besides the r**e part and she helped me. Soon, we started living together. Once, when he came to my place, he saw Lily. He was both drunk and high, and there was a gun in his pocket, which I secretly noticed. We somehow managed to make him leave. Then Lily told me she had a plan on how to get rid of him.” I laugh, remembering her enthusiasm.

“Remind me to send her a thank-you gift.” Says Alexander amusedly and traces my shoulder blades with his fingers. Then he links our hands together - a silent promise that he is with me. I thought there was no way to love him more, but somehow he keeps proving me wrong.

“She called the police and left an anonymous report that someone she knew had an illegal firearm. He was arrested.” He laughs and I relax at the sound.

“So, he’s in jail now?”

“No. The last time I heard from him was the day you and I met. The day you bought me a phone. He came to my place late at night and started shouting things. I had no idea he was free.”

Alexander sits up and puts me aside. “And you didn’t tell me? What did he say?”

“I am telling you now. I’m sorry. He said if I didn’t open the door, he would do it himself.”

“You realize you are in danger, right?” I nod.

“You will not live in that apartment anymore.”

“What?”

“You heard me, miss. Inform Lily as soon as you can. You are moving.” He is pacing the room half naked and I cannot concentrate on the topic. My eyes are roaming all over his body. I shake my head.

“Alex, it’s my dad’s apartment, not mine. I cannot just do whatever I want. How will I explain it to him?”

“He doesn’t know anything right?”

“He knows there was someone I used to date and that’s it.”

“So, we have to keep it all a secret.”

“Yes. And I also have Lily with me. I cannot just ignore her opinion.”

“You won’t. Please heat the food. I need to make a call.”

“Umm, okay. I just need a shower first.” He disappears into his room. I get up and follow him. He sits by his desk and opens his laptop. I silently go to the bathroom and start the shower. The water’s hot. I need to think. I told him everything. Now it’s complete. He knows the darkest corners. And, he wants to protect me. He doesn’t leave me, he doesn’t push me. Only closer, ever closer. What is this, if not love?

As I’m shampooing my hair with his Nivea Men shampoo, I feel his hands on my sides. I am not even frightened. I know his touch and his skin. He slowly snakes his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. Then he cups me and kisses my shoulder.

“I love how your skin feels…” He traces my arm. “And smells...” He smells my neck. “And tastes…” He kisses right below my ear. Pure pleasure: version extended.

“How did you enter my apartment?” He asks curiously at the dinner table.

“I asked Lana.” I smile.

“Oh, you’re a team now, aren’t you?”

“We are!” I take a bite. Tastes good.

“Alex, I need to ask you something.”

“Shoot babe. This. Is. Delicious.” He says mid-chew. I laugh.

“Why didn’t Jasmine take her earring?”

“She didn’t? I don’t know.”

“I just don’t think she hasn’t noticed it.”

“Fair enough. I will ask her later.” He says and kisses my hand. I love him.

“Can you stay tonight? I haven’t got enough yet.” He winks at me, making me blush.

“Yeah, I will stay.”

“Good.”

“Alex, when do you think we will move? I need to know what to say to Lily.”

“Well, about that…” He looks me into the eyes and I notice the controlling nature of him surfacing. I love it. “I am selling your apartment. And buying it.” I don’t understand anything. He laughs at me. “Tomorrow, one of my people will call your dad and offer him a very good price for the place. He will sell it to me, technically.”

“Oh, wow.” This is all I can say. He does everything to protect me. “But where will we live then?”

“Your dad will be able to buy a new apartment as soon as he gets the money. Until then, you will live here.”

“What? Me and Lily?”

“It will be only be a week or so. My broker will contact your dad and offer a good place.”

“When did you plan all of this?” My head is spinning from the speed.

He laughs. “You know I will do everything to protect you. I mean this.” I know he means this. I take his hand.

“Thank you, Alex. I appreciate everything you do for me.” I reach and kiss him.

“You are most welcome, sunshine. How is Taron? He never sent me our selfies.” He pouts and I giggle.

“I will tell him. He’s good. How’s Ash?”

“Why would you care how my friend is?” He looks me straight in the eye and I see anger.

“I… Just… You asked about Taron… I knew how Lana is…” I stutter. Whenever he’s angry at me, I panic. I don’t understand what I said wrong. I don’t think this is jealousy.

He looks away as if ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

“But what did I say wrong?” I search for his face.

“Nothing. Drop it.” He gets up and takes our plates to the kitchen. I follow him.

“Is there anything wrong? I really don’t understand. Are you jealous? I didn’t mean to…”

“I know. I said drop it. I am not jealous.” He nearly shouts and I freeze. What is wrong with him? Slowly, I turn and go. I open the door to the vast balcony and take a moment to admire the beauty outside. Cars cross the street fast and people walk and chat… I think about the reaction Alexander gave me and don’t understand the cause. I inhale deeply.

I feel Alexander before I see him. He comes to me from behind and puts his hand on my waist.

“Can I hold you?” He asks with a raspy voice. My Beast and my Prince. I lean into his taut body. He kisses my temple and hugs me to him. This is the safest place in the world. No matter how irritated he gets without a reason, as soon as he touches me, I forget how to be angry with him.

“The woman I loved cheated on me with my friend.” I stop breathing. He wants to tell me his story. I tense and wait. He takes a breath and continues.

“Her name was Katherine. We were together for three years. Hell, I don’t know how to tell you this.”

“I can ask you questions and you will answer. Would you like that?” I ask him cautiously and softly. I put my hand on top of his reminding him that I’m always with him.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Did you catch them?”

“No. One day I got a message from an unknown number. I opened it and it was photos and videos of them kissing... I had bought an engagement ring… I’d wanted her to be my wife…” My heart aches for him… I turn around and cup his face.

“It’s okay, I understand. Go on.”

“I confronted them. They said it was a lie but then I showed them the evidence… The woman I loved and my best friend… I asked them why… She said it was her mistake and he said nothing… But later, some time after that I learnt that Eric - that’s his name, wanted to revenge me. I don’t really know for what. Maybe he was jealous of my success. We had applied for a grant together and they offered it only to me. When I founded the company, I offered him a good job but he refused. I had thought it was just male pride, but it had been jealousy. He had been keeping it inside him, blaming me for his start up’s failure. Then he found a way to hurt me. He did.”

“What did she say?” I ask him. I hate her for hurting him so badly… She had no idea of the treasure she possessed.

“He’d promised her that they would marry as soon as his new start up succeeded. He told her not to tell me they were together because ‘Katherine, he has anger issues, what if he hurts me? I need to be stronger to win’… The truth was, he wanted us to marry and then let me find out so it would hit me worse. Katherine was pregnant… I had thought it was my baby…”

The world goes blank… He has been in a serious relationship with a woman… He has loved her more than he can possibly love me now… Jealousy is suffocating me… I need to calm down. This is just my own imagination. I try hard not to picture them together… Happy, loving, waiting for a baby that’s not his…

“Sarah, look at me. Now.” I do. My eyes are swimming in tears. I take a breath.

“Are you ok, sunshine?” I nod.

“Continue, Alexander, please. ”

“Are you sure? If it’s too much…”

“No, please no, I’m sorry, I’m just shocked. Go on.”

“I promise I am not abusive…” He lowers his head. I look into his eyes. Why is he saying this?

“What do you mean? How does this relate to the story?”

“I say this because I hit a pregnant woman…” I open my mouth to say something but words fail me.

“Sarah, please. I didn’t want to hit her, it just happened. I will not ever hit you. Please.” He mutters as he buries his nose into my neck and holds me tight.