INFILTRATION

A TROUBLED CONSCIENCE

The next few days were agonizing. My conscience took a real hit. It was ailing. I was a poor, tortured soul whose conscience was at stake.

After the initial high of setting Old Danny’s house on fire, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I mooned around the church, not leaving the room, not bathing and definitely not eating. Father Janes would come and sit on the bed and try to talk me out of the funk I had gotten myself into, but it was an exercise in futility.

Worse of it was the dreams were back. Old Danny pestered with an intensity that was at first, frightful, but I later got used to seeing his woeful looking face begging me to pray for him.

How was I to pray for him when I couldn’t even do so for myself?

The only highlight of my day was when Maggi came to visit. I clung to her with a ferocity that probably embarrassed her. I begged her to forgive me for abandoning the farm for so long but she told me in that gruff way of her’s to forget about it, that she had hired another help, because some of the goats had given birth. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t miss her, because I did. I missed her so much it hurt. Her presence meant the familiar. It meant home to me.

The only other thing that brought me a semblance of happiness was visiting the church. Once I entered it, a certain peace would surround me and I would sigh and sit at the back on one of the wooden pews and watch people as they came and went. It was actually fun to watch them. Some were very quiet. They would come in, sit and pray for awhile and leave, while others would immediately lie down on the ground and become very theatrical, raising their hands in the air and shaking their heads.

Some would roll on the floor and weep in silence. I watched it all from the back, but not once, not once, did I open my lips to pray.

What would I have said anyway?

Hey God, I’m here to see you, but I don’t really believe in you? Naah!

I had come to the conclusion on what to do. I silently agreed it was the best and right thing to do. I owed it to the dead man, I owed it to Old Danny. Maybe after I did it, I would feel better and not carry this weight around my neck like a noose.

One day, I got up early, showered and wore one of the clothes Maggi brought for me. I had lost a ton of weight and they hung on me like a sack. I slipped out of the room and walked to the church. I sat quietly for awhile, allowing the peace to soak into me. The church was empty and for that, I was thankful. I didn’t need any distractions.

Once I felt I had gotten enough, I walked out of the church and it’s premises. It had only been a week since I had come to St. Nicholas Catholic Church, but everything seemed different. Outwardly, everything was the same but something had changed. I shook my head as I walked past the defunct post office. The building was in shambles. It was falling to pieces everyday and no one had reported it. Maybe someone had, but the powers that be didn’t bother.

I walked past Mr. Gregory the dentist’s office, a modest looking bungalow that had stood the test of time in years. The paint looked old and worn, and even the doors looked like they needed replacing. Everywhere I turned, a sob story lingered, a crooked building, dilapidated looking roofs, even the people walked around with a sad look on their faces.

Where was the gaiety that characterized Maclaud town?

Where was the ambience that hung in the air like a warm fuzzy blanket?

Even the air that once felt light and airy, now seemed hot and a staleness hung in the air.

Was I the only one that had changed, or everything and everyone else had?

I quickened my steps, and before I knew it, I stood before the police station. A sad air hung in the air here as well. I shook my head to dispel it of my rumination, and walked inside.

“I would like to speak with the sheriff now.” I addressed one of the new sheriff’s assistant who sat in a chair and had his feet on top of the desk in front of him.

He didn’t even so much as look at me. His eyes were fixed solidly on a magazine whose cover page was a dead giveaway. A picture of a scantily clad female graced it. “Can’t! He’s busy, but you can tell me what the problem is and if it’s worth it, we’ll come check it out.”

It sounded like he had given that same response to other people and had gotten away with it.

Not me.

Guess he didn’t believe it when I didn’t walk out of the station like he would have expected me to. I did the exact opposite instead, I walked past him and towards the dingy looking corridor devoid of any light, wondering how I was going to find the sheriff’s office. I guess luck was on my side, because I heard him speak. I followed the sound of his voice and it led me to an open doorway at the end of the corridor.

Behind me, his assistant shouted at me to stop, but that only spurred me to move faster. Not wanting to be caught and thrown out, I hurried towards the open doorway and rushed inside. There, the sheriff sat, backing the door and speaking on his phone. He was thankfully alone. He turned in surprise when he saw me. Just as he ended his call, his assistant rushed into his office and grabbed me by the scruff of my hoodie.

I didn’t resist. I thew an imploring look at the sheriff instead and he told him to let me go.

“But, but sir-“

“Leave us alone, Logan, and try to make yourself useful around here. Take these files on my desk and fill in the paper work.” The sheriff indicated to the many files sitting on his desk.

At first, Logan stood with a defiant look on his face, and then he grabbed the files and muttered under his breath as he walked out of the sheriff’s office.

“I swear, I don’t know why I let that boy stay on.” He shook his head and faced me. “Please sit down, Terobe.”

I did as he said and sat on the chair in front of his desk. I was already getting cold feet at what I was about to do, but I needed to do what I needed to do.

I couldn’t back out now.

“What can I do for you, young man?” The sheriff had a smile on his face and I knew he was trying to make me feel comfortable.

That was far from how I felt.

“I’m sorry for coming in like this, sir, but-“

He wove the rest of my words away. “It’s nothing, you’re welcome any time. Maggi is a good and kind lady, I’ll extend the same courtesy to you as well.”

I nodded and kept quiet.

Could I do it?

Could I divulge my best kept secret?

Without overthinking it, I opened my mouth and it came out in a rush. “I burned down Old Danny’s house.”

The sheriff gave me a hard look for a few seconds and then sighed. “I know.”

Had I heard him correctly?

He said he knew I was the culprit that burned down old Danny’s house and I wasn’t behind bars yet?

“How did you know?” I asked, almost in a whisper.

He swiped his hand across his face and sighed once again. “I saw you come out of the house looking like a cat that had too much cream. At first I couldn’t understand why someone who was grieving was smiling. It later hit me when I remembered seeing you from one of the windows in the room upstairs. Shortly after, you came down and I tied it up.”

I sat on the edge of the chair, my back rigid, waiting for the inevitable to happen. “Why haven’t you arrested me yet then?”

The sheriff looked everywhere but at me. It occurred to me my question had made him uncomfortable. Finally, he expelled a breath, and shook his head. “I just can’t.” He stood and walked to the door that was still open and closed it. Then he turned to me. “I remember my first meeting with you, how you held a knife to my throat, and how you acted all tough. I vowed then and there to bring you down no matter what.” He walked to his seat and faced me. A thoughtful look crept up on his face. “I had been waiting for you to slip up, boy did I wait badly. You might not have known it, but I even followed you on few occasions without you knowing it.”

So it was him.

I remembered the prickly feeling of being watched on several occasions when I went out, but not seeing anyone, I shook it off.

I silently admitted to myself he was good at his job.

I forced myself to listen to him as he continued speaking. “But then you went and surprised me when Maggi took you in, and you became a totally different person. You changed, Terobe. It wasn’t until I heard your story with Harry, that I understood what you must have gone through all those times, and how they formed you to be the person you were before. Looking at you now. . .” He shook his head. “I marvel to see the great change you have made, and I applaud your efforts, all of it, including, and most especially snagging a scholarship to further your education to university. That’s extremely laudable. That said. . .”

He suddenly stood and fixed a hard gaze on me. “I can’t and will not jeopardize your future by putting you in jail. Moreover. . .” He threw his hands in the air. “With due respect to the dead, Old Danny is no more, and any other close relatives of his are as well, from my findings, so. . .”

He shook his head once again. “You’re off the hook.”

I was in shock by the time he finished. I kept quiet for what seemed like a long time, but I knew could only have been a few seconds. When I looked up at him, tears blocked my vision. “I don’t know what to say.”

My voice was hoarse and grainy, like sand had been lodged in my throat.

“Say nothing!” The sheriff replied. “All you have to do is keep staying out of trouble and excel. Now, before I change my mind and put you in jail, get out of my office.”

A smile slipped onto his lips and this time my lips loosened and I thanked him.

As I walked out of the station, it felt like I had dropped all my troubles and woes there. I felt light, I felt happy, I felt free.

I was suddenly ravenous.