A Thousand Ways to Love

The Feeling

KatieThey are both around the same height. Jared has more muscle on him, but Colin isn’t skinny, he’s lean and toned.

“What did you just say to me?” Jared says and I can tell he’s pissed.

“I asked what your problem is,” Colin says to his face. “You can’t treat girls like that.”

“I’d watch yourself, Grade 11,” Jared says. “I’m not someone you want to piss off.”

“Oh, I’m scared now,” Colin says sarcastically.

“Jared, please just go,” I say to him and he looks at me.

“Is he bothering you, Katie?” Jared asks.

“No, but you are,” I say to him. “Just take your testosterone and your guys and leave.”

“Be careful, Katie,” Jared says. “You don’t want to get your nerdy friend here too excited over something that’s never going to happen.”

“Let’s go,” one of the guys with him says and grabs Jared’s shoulder to push him away from us.

“Thanks,” I say to Colin when they are gone.

“He has no right to do that to you,” Colin says.

“I’ve gotten used to it,” I say.

“You shouldn’t have to,” Colin says.

“If I make a big deal about it, they just think I’m a b***h,” I say.

“And then it’s okay for them to do it to other girls as well,” Colin says.

“You don’t know what it’s like to be a girl,” I say. “That even when you’re on the top of the food chain, guys will still try to bring you down, will still try to make you feel less than what you’re worth.”

“Those type of guys don’t deserve a moment of your time, Katie,” Colin says. The bell rings. “I’ll see you in Chem.” And then he walks off.

***

“Do you want to grab the chemicals for this experiment?” Colin asks me at our station in Chemistry class.

I put my hand on the lab sheet and bring it in front of me. “How about I take the lead on this one?” I say and look at Colin. He’s uncomfortable with this suggestion. He’s not used to relinquishing control. “I promise I won’t burn the lab down.”

“Okay,” Colin says, and I know this means a lot to let me have control. “What do you want me to do?”

“Can I ask for anything?” I smile at him.

“The lab, Katie,” Colin says.

“Fine,” I say. “Can you grab all the equipment?”

Colin smiles. “I think I can manage.”

“I like this reverse of roles,” I say.

“Don’t let it get to your head,” Colin says as he walks by me and I smile to myself.

30 minutes later we are done the lab before everyone else and I take the free seat next to Colin at the front.

“I’ll do the first ten questions this time and you can do the last ten,” I say.

“Sounds good,” Colin says. “I admit it’s nice not doing all the questions myself.”

“This is what happens when you let people help you,” I say. “Teamwork is important, Colin. There’s not enough time to do everything yourself.”

"I find it hard to trust other people with my marks," Colin says. "Not everyone is as smart and hard-working as you are."

“You can’t expect a perfect lab partner like me every time,” I say and smile at him.

“You ripped up the sheet with my answers the first day of our partnership,” Colin says.

"Well, fortunately, you are a super forgiving person, and we're friends now," I say.

“I have a question for you and feel free to not answer if you want,” Colin says.

“Shoot,” I say.

“Were you ever involved with that Jared guy?” Colin asks. “I know you dated his older brother last…”

I hold up my hand to stop him. “I have never and will never be involved with Jared. I dated his brother for over a year. It’d be weird if I did.”

“But do you want to?” Colin asks.

“Definitely not,” I say. “Jared is a lot to handle as you saw this morning.” Colin nods and looks away. “Did I give the right answer?”

“I just wanted to know,” Colin says and looks back at me. “He’s a jerk and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have something to hold over you.”

“You’re a good guy, Colin,” I say.

“Why did you break up with his brother?” Colin asks.

“University,” I say.

“That’s everything?” Colin asks.

“Devon was going into a completely different environment while I’m here,” I say. “It was better to end the relationship before it ended itself.”

“Do you still have feelings for him?” Colin asks.

“Why are you asking me this?” I ask.

"You didn't use to hook up with a bunch of jocks before you dated him. Just after," Colin says.

I look at him. “I don’t want to talk about this with you,” I say.

“I’m sorry,” Colin says. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“We barely know each other, Colin,” I say. “And now you’re asking me about my past with other guys?”

“I’m sorry, Katie,” Colin says. “You know I wasn’t trying to be rude about it.”

“I liked Devon a lot,” I say, thinking about the last time I spoke with him. “But the distance and everything, it just wasn’t working.”

"Did something happen?" Colin asks. "I mean you guys were together for a long time and he's only a couple of hours away."

Colin’s picking his way through the disaster that was the ending of my relationship with Devon. Something I have only told one person about.

“I think I’m done with this conversation,” I say and then pick up my books.

“Katie.” Colin gets up but then the bell rings.

“I’ll see you later,” I say and then I walk right past him.

ColinHe hurt her. That popular, good looking, hockey hotshot hurt her. I don’t know what he did to her, but he did something.

***

KatieI run along the path by the elementary school to help clear my head.

“Katie!” I hear and take my headphones out. I stop when I see it’s Uncle Joe dressed very nicely and with a shoulder bag.

“Hey,” I say.

“Something wrong?” he asks. How can he always tell when something is wrong?

“No,” I say.

“Katie,” Uncle Joe says.

“I just have a lot of thoughts right now,” I say.

“Katie, you know you can talk to me about anything,” Uncle Joe says.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I say.

“Ever since you broke up with Devon, you haven’t been the same,” Uncle Joe says. I look at him. “I notice these things.”

“What’s different about me?” I ask.

“You used to be more confident,” Uncle Joe says. “Now you just seem like you are looking for people’s approval. You never were like that before.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” I say.

“You never disappoint me, Katie,” Uncle Joe says. “I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you and not think about a guy that’s not worth your time.”