House of Stone

Episode4~The Twin

Josie

Laszlo had sent me a message before I had even got into the shop. ‘See you on Wednesday night malayshka.’ It made me laugh and I turned round and waved him off, but he was on my mind for the whole shift.

I had to look up what malayshka meant. It was Russian, it meant baby. That fact only made him seem more dangerous, made having anything to do with him more dangerous.

But there was something, the way there had been literal sparks when we had touched, how quick he was with his come backs, that was preventing me from putting a stop to things. Didn’t they say the body couldn’t tell the difference between fear and excitement. So maybe this was excitement I was feeling, not fear.

Admittedly getting involved with someone, let alone a handsome Russian, was not part of my plan. My plan was not complicated. It was to work enough that I could pay my way through college and in six months I would defend my thesis and graduate with my doctorate, debt free.

They money I got when Jake died had helped with that. Would I rather have my brother alive and be in debt? Absolutely I would have, but in the end that had not been down to me.

Oh Jake. I still couldn’t think about him without crying, it might not be healthy but I was pushing it to the back of my mind to be dealt with at an unknown time in the future.

We were twins, Jake and I. I don’t remember our father, he left when we were young but I remember our mother, and I remember how many times I had wished she had gone with him as we were growing up. She was not a good mother, not a nice mother. She had a string of boyfriends, most of whom were as bad as she was and a drinking problem she refused to acknowledge.

By the time we were 12 she would disappear for weeks on end, leaving Jake and I to fend for ourselves. Those times when she disappeared had been the best times I can remember. We had no money and little food, but we had a roof over our heads and each other, and at least there was no walking on egg shells.

We did everything we could to get by. Collected recycling, picked up little jobs here and there and worked out which shops and restaurants gave away free food the at the end of the night. I remember the first time Jake had gone bare knuckle fighting. He hadn’t told me what he was doing and I had cried at the state of him when he came home. He said it didn’t hurt but I knew that wasn’t true. He kept on doing it because it was good money. In the end, after the time our mother never came back, it paid the rent.

The one rule we had was we always went to school. No matter what else was happening around us we went to school. They wouldn’t know what was happening, or not happening, at home as long as we showed up to school and did what they told us to do.

There were a few occasions where they had wanted parent teacher conferences but we managed to tag team and put in off for long enough that they would giver up. The twin card was always useful.

I would say. ‘Oh mom will only come on once I thought Jake had arranged it.’ And Jake would claim he thought I had done it. We got away with it long enough to graduate.

Then when he was 18 Jake enlisted. Was accepted into the army. I hadn’t wanted to at the time, but even I could see that was his only way out of the life we had. You have the brains Jojo. I am just the muscle, he used to tease me. I had always been the planner, Jake was the impulsive one, the one willing to take risks. He used to say to me. ‘If there is even an one percent chance that you can succeed you have to try.’ He did try, and for 5 years he succeeded. He worked hard, he got promotion, he got recognition. And then he got killed.

That’s how I always say it in my head. That simple and that stark. One minute he was there, the next he wasn’t. It is with deepest sympathy that we must inform you …

I spent so many nights after that visit sobbing myself to sleep. Two men had come, both in uniform. They had been waiting for me when I came back from college one evening and I knew that it wasn’t going to be anything good.

‘Ma’m I need you to know your brothers quick thinking and actions saved three lives.’ The younger one of the two had said.

I didn’t want to know that. I didn’t care. I wanted my brother to come walking through the door, not these two apologetic strangers. I didn’t envy them the job they had.

I spent most of that evening shift trying to push his memory to the back of my mind, turning to do something else every time it appeared. I wanted to get to the stage where I could look a back on the time I’d had with Jake but I wasn’t there. Even the mention of his name made my eyes prickle with tears and this was year two after his death.

‘Excuse me ma’m. Do you have any straws?’

I looked up at the girl who approached the cash desk, glad to be drawn out of my memories.

She was dressed in all black. Black shirt and pants and a short black apron tied round hear waist. Her hair was neatly tied back. It looked as though she worked in one of the bars and restaurants nearby.

I’d worked in the store so long I recognized a lot of the staff but not here.

‘Of course.’ I gave what I hoped was a bright smile and rounded the counter to show her where they were.