I Want To Live

Chapter Three

    Katie’s student behavior was exemplary the remainder of that academic quarter. She applied herself diligently to classes, receiving high grades. Even though she dropped Dr. Roger’s class, she was given an “A” regardless. Whenever she spied him on campus, she made a point to avoid contact, heading in the opposite direction. She didn’t recant or apologize in the Newsletter. Her individual name was never on the fliers. There were moments when she felt she was being followed, but turning around to locate the stalker proved fruitless. Then there were threatening notes slipped under the door to her room, “Be diligent. You’ll never know when you may be accosted again. Advise you wear a chastity belt.”  She felt it was Roger’s doing.  

    She continued to be plagued with vivid nightmares. Her moaning and thrashing in bed disturbed Linda’s own slumber. “Katie. Wake up. You’re having a bad dream. You’re safe.” 

    Her roommate supported her tenaciously after the assault. The two commiserated about their male dominated culture and the blatant attitude toward women as s*x objects. 

    One day Katie confided to Linda, “You know, women have come a long way towards equality but there still exists stilted gender attitudes.”

                                                                                             ----

    Deciduous trees had fully leafed out. Boulevards were planted with salvia, marigolds, petunias, and other annuals. The campus of PSU resembled a parklike setting. Mt. Hood was visible most days. The scent of lilacs wafted in the air. The smell of freshly mowed grass was common. Couples strolled hand in hand. Warm weather boosted everyone’s attitude. The prevailing mood was upbeat and positive.

    Katie didn’t feel up to parr, waking each morning with nausea. It took a supreme effort to keep even bland food on her stomach. The smell discharged from fast-food franchises nearly caused an episode of vomiting. She missed her period but thought it was due to some underlying illness. 

    “Katie, It sounds to me like you may be pregnant.” Linda voiced, after a week of symptoms.

    “No. It can’t be---” Katie cried. After buying a pregnancy test kit anyway to disprove Linda’s theory, she went into the bathroom. Emerged horrified, holding the strip out for Linda’s perusal. She flopped on the bed, holding her head as if it ached, and sobbed rolling back and forth.

    Linda sat beside her, rubbing Katie’s back till her crying subsided. “What are you going to do?” 

    Katie pushed Linda’s arms away, stood up and stamped her feet. “I hate this world!” She threw a textbook against the window. “I hate being a woman!” She swept everything off her bedside table, sending the items to the floor. The glass of one picture frame cracked on impact, marring a photo of dad and herself. Aghast, Katie’s mouth opened, hands flying to cover her eyes so she couldn’t see the havoc in the room nor Linda’s backing into a corner, afraid of Katie’s outburst. Suddenly aware of her explosive behavior, Katie bolted to the door. Flung it open. Dashed down the hall. Took the stairway steps two at a time. Sprinted across campus like a swarm of bees was chasing her. 

                                                                                             ----

    That Friday, Katie pushed open the door to the campus Women’s Health building with trepidation. Her legs felt like jelly, threatening to buckle at any moment. Her inability to retain much of the food she did eat, had weakened her considerably. Nerves prevented her from eating breakfast at all that morning. 

    A pleasant gray-haired receptionist smiled as she entered the waiting room. “May I help you?” 

    The warmhearted greeting encouraged her resolve. Katie approached the desk. The woman reminded her of Grandma Meg.

     “Kathryn MacKenzie. I have an appointment,” she muttered, eyes downcast at the floor. She was so distraught it wouldn’t take much to make her fly out the door.

     “Yes, I have you right here,” said the grandmotherly woman, handing her a clipboard. “Please fill out these forms. The nurse will call you shortly.”

     Katie took a seat to fill out the personal and medical history questions. Her hand shook, making it difficult to write. She paused to take a deep calming breath like she would before running a race. Then completed the paperwork, handed it back and waited.

    “Kathryn MacKenzie?” A slim nurse in blue scrubs stood in the doorway to the inner offices, Katie’s chart in her hand.   

    Katie stood and followed the nurse. The door closed silently behind her. Her height, weight and vital signs were recorded before she was led to a private office.

     Nurse Practitioner Judy Adams swept an ash blonde lock behind her ear as she stood to shake Katie’s hand warmly over her desk, then motioned to a comfortable chair in front.

    “I assume you’re wanting options concerning an unwanted pregnancy?” Judy raised her head after perusing the chart. Eyebrows arched, she waited patiently for a reply.

    “I was r***d!” Katie felt heat rising in her cheeks. There I said it. Rage and anger radiated from every cell in her body.   

    Nurse Judy flinched from the outburst, but recovered quickly. Speaking with kindness, her voice low and modulated, “I realize this must be difficult for you---Do you know the man who r***d you?”

    Katie shook her head. I won’t tell. Nothing will come of it anyway. This was the year 2013. The media had reported numerous accounts of women claiming s****l assault, for which they were vilified and labeled liars by the perpetrators. Katie wasn’t that brave. She was already threatened clandestinely.

     “I couldn’t see who it was. It was dark. It happened on campus as I was walking back to my dorm from the library.” Tears rose. “I didn’t tell anyone. Who would believe me? I would be branded as a slut. I only realized I might be pregnant when my period failed to appear and I started to feel sick.”

    Judy sighed, “If you only knew how many times I’ve sat at this desk and heard variations on the same theme from distraught young women. There seems to be an epidemic of such occurrences on this campus. We cannot stop the perps responsible if no one will tell us anything.” 

    Katie shrank from the nurse’s words. Guilty as charged. But remained silent.

    “What are you looking for, Katie,” The nurse softened her tone. “an appointment for an abortion, carrying this baby to term to raise as a single mother or to consider adoption?”

    Unable to restrain the dam of tears building behind her eyes, Katie sobbed. Shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

    Judy pushed a box of tissues forward within Katie’s reach then rose and stood behind the girl, massaging her shoulders until she quieted. 

    “I don’t want to kill a living being and I can’t face a future as a single mother.” Katie wrung a tissue in her hands. She looked down at her lap. God, why is this happening to me? 

    “We can refer you to an adoption agency.” Judy walked around the desk and resumed her former seat. Flipping through a Rolodex file, she found what she was looking for. Wrote the information on a piece of paper. “This agency will be able to put you in touch with a childless couple on their waiting list to adopt an infant.” “Do you want me to set up an appointment?”

    “Yes, do it,” Katie mumbled. Her mind made up.

    “I’m not letting you leave here without scheduling an appointment for a prenatal visit,” said Judy firmly.

    Katie nodded, knowing intuitively she would do anything to get out of it.

    Judy noted her lack of enthusiasm. Looking at the calendar on her desk, “I moderate r**e crisis sessions on Thursday evenings here at the clinic. I believe it would benefit you greatly if you attend. You’re not alone. There are other girls experiencing the same post-traumatic stress as you.” She expected Katie’s reaction of tuning her out. A typical response. “I’ll see you then for the prenatal visit and this Thursday evening. Take care of yourself.”

                                                                                           ----                                                                

    Two days later Katie sat before Renee, a middle-aged woman with dyed red hair and makeup heavily applied. Fake red finger nails clicked the desk as she read the information that Nurse Adams had sent. Raising her head, she stared at Katie for what seemed an eternity, “I believe I might have the perfect couple for your baby.”

    Wheeled her chair to a file cabinet and lifted a folder. Back at her desk she spread the folder open. Turned it around to face Katie. “This is a young professional couple willing to pay for all prenatal and delivery expenses if you agree to waive any claim to said infant in the future.”

    Katie sighed, unaware she’d been holding her breath. My expenses would be taken care of. She scanned the couple’s photo. An attractive woman with complexion and hair color matching her own. Handsome husband with curly blond hair and blue eyes. She read their biography. He was a dentist with a thriving practice. She was his dental hygienist. They lived near Seattle, Washington. The likelihood of ever running into them was slim. Perfect. I’ll sign. 

     "They would like to meet you personally, get to know you, and be present at the delivery.”

    Having strangers present during birth didn’t sit well with Katie who was naturally reserved, but to place the baby with a good family was uppermost in her mind. “All right, I can agree to that.” It will give me a chance to know them better also.

    She left the Agency with the couple’s email address so she could connect with them.

                                                                                    ----      

    Thursday evening Katie hesitated at the door to the Clinic, not fully committed. What am I doing here? Before she could split and run, Nurse Judy Adams inserted a key in the door to open the facility. 

    “Good to see you, Katie,” she said, placing a reassuring hand on her arm. “You’re in time to help me set up chairs.”

    Inwardly, Katie groaned but followed Judy toward the classroom. The light switch flicked on. She helped Judy place twelve folding chairs in a circle. Gradually the space filled as ten women, ages nineteen to twenty-two, drifted to a seat. They apparently knew one another for conversation flowed easily about their week after the last meeting. 

    “I’m Barbara,” said a girl next to her. “This your first time?”

    “All right, girls. We only have an hour, so let’s get started,” Judy said. “I would like to introduce Kathryn MacKenzie.” She gestured to where Katie was seated. 

    “Good to meet you,” the circle of women responded.

    “You all have a common bond because each of you has been sexually assaulted. Tina, would you please review your story for Katie’s benefit?”

    A black girl with dark-chocolate smooth skin and striking features smiled, showing perfectly white teeth. A moderate afro testified that she was proud of her heritage. With confidence she shared, “I was studying late at night in the library. It’s quieter there than in my dorm. I was downstairs where the private-study stalls are located. Two guys walked past me. Didn’t think anything of it. Quick as lightening one got me in a headlock. The other punched me in the stomach. The pain left me incapacitated. They whisked me into the men’s room, laughing at my distress, and had their way with me. As I lay on the cold tile floor I wanted to die. I was hurt and bleeding. A janitor found me shortly afterwards and summoned help. Nothing came of it. I couldn’t identify them.” 

    Katie was aghast. How could the girl be so calm? The others held hands and swayed.

    Tina continued, “At first I was in shock. My mind tried to deny it ever happened. I had nightmares. Was consumed with guilt that I was responsible in some way. Then I became angry; directed it at the college, every guy I met, even God. My behavior drove people away. My friends started avoiding me. I felt alone. Contemplated suicide.  A school counselor referred me to Judy and this class.” She eyed her circle of friends with gratitude. “Thank God, I found you all. This class has helped me immeasurably. I’ve found acceptance and friendship here. . . I am a survivor. I am stronger as a person. Now I can thank God for the tragedy. I understand the pain that other people carry and I’m humbled to be able to help others as a result.”

    She raised her arms prayerfully, “Amen.” The rest joined her, “Amen, Tina.”

    The mood in the room had shifted. It was upbeat. Everyone rose and spontaneously hugged.

    “Thank you, Tina,” said Judy. “That was well done. Time for refreshments.”

    The girls chatted informally, including Katie in their group. The chairs were folded and replaced in the designated locker. Refreshments put away and the room restored to its original state. 

    “See you next Thursday,” the girls chimed as they left. Their laughter carried in the breeze.

    “Are you glad you came?” asked Judy, draping an arm over Katie’s shoulders.

    “Oh, yes, I didn’t know what to expect. I still don’t understand what’s happened. But I feel as though a weight has been lifted.”

    “Good. Good to hear. See you next week.” Judy walked to her car.

    Katie skipped back to Peabody Hall. She couldn’t wait to share the news with Linda.

                                                                                             ----

    One week to go and the academic year would end. Graduation plans were in full swing. Summer was on the horizon. Linda was looking forward to her Camp Counselor position. She loved working with teenagers. Katie decided to quit PSU. The memories weren’t pleasant. Her scholarship for the following year was denied. She wouldn’t be able to finance an education on her own. Furthermore there was a baby growing inside her. Her palms were sweaty as she placed a call to her father. “Dad, I’ve decided to take a leave of absence from my studies next year.”

    Richard MacKenzie, head Ranger at Yosemite National Park, couldn’t believe his ears. “Are you a fool? You’re throwing your life away.” His greatest fear was that she would turn out to be just like her mother. Flighty. No concrete direction to her life. “What about your scholarship?”

    “It’s been denied. Don’t be angry, Dad. I know what I’m doing---” The line went dead. s**t. He’ll never change. I can’t have a reasonable conversation with the man. 

    Her suitcase packed, Katie hugged Linda, reluctant to let go. “You’ve been a great roommate, putting up with me for two years. Keep in touch, will you?”

    “Life certainly hasn’t been dull living with you,” Linda said. “You’ve created quite a stir on campus. Your legacy shall live on. Let me know about the baby, will you?”

    Katie visited the clinic saying, “Good-by” to everyone, the crisis center girls and Judy. Conveniently it was a Thursday evening. “Thank you for your love and support. I’m going to miss you all.”

    Ben drove her to the Amtrak station. Even though they were in a serious relationship she broke up with him after the Roger’s incident. The Thursday group had persuaded her to confront him and reveal the whole story. Sympathetic and understanding, Ben still carried a flame for her, thus his offer to transport her to the station.

    Katie held his hand, standing on the platform. She probed his blue eyes. “I’m grateful for you doing this, Ben. I know I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”

    “Oh, Katie---” The train chugged and blew a warning whistle as it braked to a hissing stop near their platform. He embraced her with feeling. “I wish you only the best in the future.” He let her go, remaining in place as she boarded a coach.

    She claimed a seat that faced him. Opened the window. Stuck her head out, waved and blew a kiss. Her eyes welled. 

    “All Aboard!” Steel wheels slowly creaked. Steam gushed from beneath the engine.  Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. The station receded into the distance.