The Sight Beyond The Haze

Chapter 54: Seraphin's Last Life

"I know little of how Zachriel meddled with your mind," Haziel told me.

I sat back on the bed, beside Caspian who was also lounging around, seemingly relaxed but I could feel and see the stiffness of his limbs. There was that fear on how he held himself, maybe he thought I would lose my control and lose my cool over this matter. Or maybe that was just the way he was, the way he held himself, and I have never just noticed those subtle details before because I cared too much about myself back then.

And I have to admit to myself that I still cared about myself, still so engrossed about the scenes happening before that everything was just a series of blur in my mind.

"But what?" I then asked. Caspian's eyes directed at me and I just looked back at him in return. "Is there not always a but?" I asked yet again.

Caspian shrugged before telling me, "In all fairness, that's true though."

Haziel just smiled at us gently. Caspian and I have been bickering for quite a while now but like the more matured person that she was, she let the irritation on me subsided until I was prone to Caspian and his antics.

"But I have come to know some things about his procedures with you," Haziel admitted. "Lady Alaric had been absolutely adamant that you should forget every thing that might affect you living within the mortals. That also includes some emotions. I saw the puzzlement on your eyes when Caspian told you that what you felt, that heavy feeling on your chest, might be sadness."

"Most often than not, those that make us sad affect us more than the memories of happiness."

My eyes lingered at the person beside me while Haziel only nodded and proceeded on telling the stories that might have happened a lifetime ago or maybe just a few years from now which I cannot remember at all.

"I have come in some of the procedures and I would remember your screams even in my sleep. You appear in my nightmares, your face seems like it wanted me to get back to you. Save you from Zachriel's hands and your memories. Each time I would watch, it was like me who was being violated. You kept screaming."

I wanted to get angry because I could remember those few instances that I recovered from my lost memories, but somehow I could not. I wanted Haziel to finish or maybe because I have grown too attached with her face that I would always be biased to her.

"When Zachriel first started working on your mind," she continued, "he was only eight years old and you are, of course, a couple of years younger. We were all trapped in this cycle of war and maybe you couldn't remember it clearly, but your life was almost taken multiple times before until your father, the Duke of Elsinore of the Elliot Noble Family, died on the battlefield. Lady Erina Alaric ordered for any trace of you to be removed permanently, you are to be hidden from the Dalcanorian people and its country."

"It is a cycle," Caspian told us both. "I could still recall the feeling of being disoriented. One moment I was in a Middle Ground then the next I was being shipped back to Dalcanoraz, thinking that things have gone down and cooled, then back again at another Middle Ground."

Haziel nodded at Caspian.

"I sometimes forget that there is a war just outside the walls of this Middle Ground, unofficial as it is," Haziel further confessed. "This place..." her voice trailed away when she looked up, that thing called sadness was within her green eyes. "This place seemed so far removed from the Dalcanorian territories. Like if I close my eyes, I could pretend that there aren't any mercenaries and bounty hunters just outside, waiting for any Eirini member."

Beside me, Caspian plopped on the soft bed with a faint thud.

"They said that the so-called war would be over, but it's been going on for more than half of my life," he said while looking uo to the ceiling as though something was so interesting plastered on them. "I want to go home."

"We were scared of being targeted by Lord Elliot," Haziel told me, there was a bitter smile on her face, "my parents died last year. Protecting you in Paris."

I felt coldness seeped through my bones, penetrating every part of my body.

"Haziel..." I whispered, wanting to comfort her but she just shook her head.

"They died an honorable death," she said to me, not even a trace of c***k on her clear voice. "But when I remember that they died so easily, I still felt..." Haziel sighed and closed her eyes. "Anger, I still felt so angry. I felt as if I didn't do enough."

And I could recall that one memory at the very back of my mind where she was wearing a white dress with her hair as gold and blooming as the rising sun.

"What happened in Paris?" I asked curiously because it seemed the righr question to ask and because I was also curious of what had happened.

"That was before you reappeared here in the academy," Caspian answered.

That time before I reappeared in the academy meant that I was with Deo. It was still not clear to me how everything happened and Deo had been resistant whenever I ask him anything as though it was a sore spot for him.

"Amidst the chaos in Paris when my parents and some other Eirini members were supposed to escort you back, we somehow lost you," Haziel said. She knitted her forehead, trying to remember what happened almost a year ago. "I lost you then."

"Then the Haefen launched a surprise attack and we were utterly and pathetically and desperately defeated." Caspian, who was now lying on his back, turned to me abruptly. "Where were you in those months? And how did you winded up here?"

I was probably recuperating. My Veil had been a mess, that was the least I was told by Deo himself. The mind was a complicated puzzle with various of pieces that might or might not be fitted against each other.

I did not answer Caspian. First because only Deo could answer that question, and second was because I have a right to remain silent although that might be abusing my position that was higher than theirs. Blood had been spilled and I should be held accountable for that but when I saw the anger on Haziel's eyes, it made me feel frightened.

And powerless.

It felt like I was under Leigh's power's influence yet again. Feeble and weak— pathetic and desperate like how Caspian would describe it.

"Let it go," Haziel told him. "I didn't tell you those things to make you pity us, this isn't a pity party. It isn't even for you to feel guilt— none of that. I told you because I do feel that you're only part of this is because of what happened between the Noble Seats and you're responsible for any of that. When we lost contact with you in Paris, we have lost all hope."

"That's why Lady Alaric sent the kids in the Eirini in this Middle Ground," Caspian intervened, "she hope that the Blessing would protect us. Then funny how it turns out you are here too. Like a little reunion."

Haziel smiled, her green eyes twinkling gently.

"Yes," she agreed, "that's a great relief for us all. That means my parents did not died in vain and for nothing."

"I never knew that those happened," I told her. "I was never told by anyone and I'm only just recovering my memories, most of which, has not returned yet."

"It's because of those manipulations of your mind that you might never recover." Haziel sighed and looked down like she was ashamed. "Is it too shameful to say that I should have done something when I was watching you scream for Zachriel and Lady Erina to stop?"

We were all children, I thought.

Just children.

Like how Zachriel was forced to erase and manipulate most of my memories, Haziel, who has not got any influence a few years back, was also just a child being forced to watch as war unfolded around her.

"Of course not. We were helpless as children, but now we can do something."

I cannot tell any of these two people that I plan to stop the war. Even with myself, I admit that the war that they have all been talking about was so faraway from here that I could just pretend it was not happening today.

But, just as Deo told me, I cannot deal with my present when the past still haunts me like a ghost I could not shake off.

"How come I am here?" I suddenly asked, steering the conversation into a pleasanter mood. This had been too serious. "And where are the others?"

Haziel and Caspian looked at each other. I saw hesitation and anxiety on that single glance. Understanding that no one would like to make themselves as a bait for me, I came up with my conclusion.

"Zachriel realized that he has damaged my mind too much that I cannot distinguish emotions such as sadness that he felt ashamed to be here? Is that why he is not here, Caspian? Haziel?"

"Gotta give it to 'ya, that's so on the spot!" Caspian cheered at me and even clapped his hands for me. Haziel subtly elbowed him on the leg which made him howl. "What?" he snapped at her which made me chuckle lowly. "You've got to give where the credit is due!"

"I think I should go. I'm already late with classes, same goes for you two. This has been... a rather interesting conversation. I'm glad we are able to do this."

Caspian did not stand up to send me off but Haziel was courteous and she graciously accompanied me until the door. I was only stopped by Caspian who abruptly spoke before I exited the door of the infirmary room we were all in.

"You're really not going to tell us how you winded up here? Who took care of you? Is it true that the Amitiels are in alliance with you? Can we trust them? You know..." Caspian paused and I could hear resentment on the way he spoke to me. "You know I have got a bunch of questions but I understand that not everybody is black and white or transparent. I guess there's more to this than I know."

He did not say it, but Haziel and I knew what he wanted to say.

In order for those deaths to be counted, there must have been a bigger plan, a bigger chessboard that controlled every piece. There has to be or it was all for naught. I would like to reassure them both, I would like to say to this boy that always irritated me that he could trust me but, right now, there was still more that I have completely no idea about.

I was still oblivious to a lot of things and weaker when it comes to strength and power.

Deo has the ability to reassure me that he got my back and I do not have the same rights to say those words that he uttered. I cannot tell Caspian to trust me because I still doubt I could hold so much. I cannot tell Haziel that her parents' deaths were not for naught because it was not clear to me how they died.

It was not clear to me why would my father's younger brother, the current lord of the Elliot Noble Family, Grand Duke Araqiel Elsinore, went against the whole country, the whole Dalcanoraz, the Noble Families, and even the royal family blessed by the First Queen Leinesha. Was it for the power within the Haefen organization? Jealousy? What else was there to sacrifice the lives of people, innocent lives to be emphasized?

"What you want me to say," I instead responded to Caspian. No pretense, just what I actually want to tell him. "I do not have much answers, but I'm trying my best to get stronger so I could take my position within the Noble Families. I would try to end this decade year old war. I want to tell you all—" I looked at him and Haziel "—to trust me because I can do it, but I still doubt how much I could hold without breaking."

"We understand," Haziel told me gently.

And I wanted to hug her again. Knowing that I absolutely cannot do that again lest I would be found suspicious by Caspian and maybe he would even ask for a hug too, much to my imagination's horror. I turned my back at them. The last words I heard was that Haziel was trying to get Caspian off the bed so they could follow me and go to their own resoective classes.

I went back to my class, still wondering what happened to my past lives and how come when it came to me, I felt so hollow and empty.

A golden light butterfly touched my nose and I suddenly remember that there was someone that has my back what ever path I take and that made the heavy weight in my chest felt lighter.